December 31

This is it kids - last day of 2017. One year closer to getting rid of Rachel Notley. One year closer to me achieving my goal weight of 220. One year closer to winning the lottery. We decided last night that in lieu of New Years resolutions we are going to eliminate words from our Golden vernacular. This is the current list, but it is still growing:

Rehab - all forms. Alcohol, weight, emotional and sex (we also do think there is such a thing as sex addiction)

Meeting - all forms

Shortcut - this is a highly deceptive word. Darren’s definition of shortcut is an additional 6 hour ride. 

Wagon - unless the wagon is taking us through a drive thru and on to the liquor store. Then we’ll jump on for a short ride.

Skinny - for obvious reasons

Shower - although this is Day 3 and it will soon be a legal requirement 

Sober - for obvious reasons 

Working Hot Tub - sadly the hot tub in Golden has died. I think the spider did it. We are all going to sit in the bathtub this afternoon. Necessity is the mother of invention. We are inventing a new hot tub.

Flu - Jen is currently suffering from some illness that I’m quite sure we are all going to catch after our bath/hot tub this afternoon 

Asian - because we all look Asian today

Cougar - we prefer attractive ladies as our definition, although the lack of showering is putting that definition in jeopardy 

Windchill - possibly the worst word in the English language 

Rent - Darren is toying with the idea of charging us all rent 😳

Pregnant- there is a large, dangerous set of stairs that would address that concern. Coincidentally, those same stairs could address our Darren/rent issue as well

Last call - doesn’t happen in Golden

Diet - doesn’t happen in Golden 

Spider! I never want to hear this word anywhere!

Brian also added some words after his sled ride yesterday:

Avalanche 

Beacon

Side hill

Forearm muscles

Strap-on..... what? What goes on when you boys go on your little excursions?

Tonight we are leaving the safety of the cabin and adventuring in Golden. I have called ahead to warn them.

December 30

I hate cold weather but I like that it prevents snakes, spiders and other nasties from invading my home. That was until last night when a spider the size of a fucking Volkswagen beatle was spotted on the wall at Golden. Darren rescued it and it crawled under the couch. Later in the evening when it wanted to move again it moved the couch. So unfortunately today I will need to burn down Darren and Jen’s cabin at Golden. They had a good run. 

Also discovered that when Kim presses a button on the side of her new iPhone 3 times it calls 911. The operator called back in a speedy 15 minute time frame from Kelowna to confirm the call. Kim was sheepish and apologized for the call, in the meantime I was screaming in the background that we were being held by an 8 legged terrorist. Unfortunately they did not take it seriously and we are still living with this horrendous creature (Darren) and the spider! I am considering it the equivalent of a pre-Apocalyptic state and arming myself accordingly. 

December 29

So my wonderful child, Dekker, decided I was not grey enough and decided to embark on a year long world tour. He has been talking about this for a year and I have, coincidentally, been in heavy denial for a year. 6 months ago he bought a shed to store his belongings, 4 months ago he moved back home and 9 days ago he quit his job. Yesterday he flew out for Nicaragua. 

I gave him all the advice I could think of: 

Don’t do drugs.

Don’t make bad choices.

Wear condoms.

Keep both kidneys.

And Darian and Mike chimed in and told him not to go on camel tours in the desert. (I didn’t ask)

The most important thing I told him was to KEEP IN TOUCH! He’s really bad at that. His immediate plan is Nicaragua for New Years then Costa Rica and Panama before heading to South America. We are meeting him in Scotland in April and I checked, it’s only 103 days......

So in the meantime my friends are keeping me occupied - last night Brian and I were up until 4:30 working on a jigsaw puzzle. Therapy jigsawing. I did know it was a thing but apparently when you combine it with a martini, 3 bottles of wine and a Caesar it totally works. 

December 25

I love Christmas. I do. My family has low to mediocre passion for the holiday but those little fuckers would miss it if I didn’t decorate the house to the nth degree. At the very least they would not be able to complain about helping to put away decorations. 

Anyway that was not going to be my discussion, it was the degree of Santa-ness I used to display. I loved the magic of Santa. I remember growing up when I was on the verge of no longer believing (on a side note, this is the only reason I would ever home school. My kids would believe in Santa and the Easter bunny until they were 20 if I had my way! Not the Tooth Fairy, she was a lazy bitch at my house. I think she still owes Dekker money)...anyway, I was on the verge of no longer believing and we had neighbor kids who told me that Santa wasn’t real! And where did they receive this nugget of information? THEIR OWN MOTHER! She said she did not think it was right to “lie” to her children! Okay, we will return to that statement in a minute! My first thought when this woman told me this was, “Seriously bitch, you just ruined my childhood!” And secondly, “My mom is going to punch you in the face when she finds out you told me this!” To be truthful, although those thoughts did run through my mind they were a much more PG version. Believe it or not I was the quietest, shyest, most introverted child you ever met. I think this Santa “truth” moment may have been a pivotal moment that awoke my inner demon and made me become the person I am today. (Also on a side note - this family was extremely religious and slightly masochistic. They had 3 children -2 girls, 1 boy and if either of the girls didn’t have their bibles beside their bed their father would spank them. Serious spanking. Like 2017 go to jail spankings. But the boy could pretty much do anything consequence free. This discussion is for another day but it also sealed the deal that I did not believe in religion.....or the bible.......)

Back to not lying to your children. Now that I am a parent I know the truth. The very foundation of parenting is built on lies, threats and negotiations. I would tell my kids if they went near the creek without Ryan or I there would be dinosaurs that would eat them (Jurassic Park was a pretty large influence at the time). Guess what, they never went near the Creek. I lied to Darian for 5 years about lasagna- she hated lasagna but she loved “meat and cheese casserole” which was lasagna. She was pissed when she figured that one out. I lied to them tonight when I promised them that I wouldn’t vacuum tomorrow morning - I’m totally vacuuming tomorrow morning. 

I remember one year I was up at the crack of dawn to put in a 30 pound turkey in the oven. Being 30 pounds it had to cook for about 14 hours! Darian got up to have a pee. She was 3 years old and it was late enough in the morning that she would have been awake for the day and I had not yet put out Santa gifts or stuffed the stockings. I felt fear like I had not yet experienced in my lifetime! I quickly stopped, dropped and rolled. I am sure that the Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden were not as stealthy as I was that morning. She crawled back into bed, I sighed a sigh of relief and learned a valuable lesson- I need to slip the kids NyQuil on Christmas Eve.....just kidding. I stuffed stockings the night before after that. 

Now Santa’s gifts often have the price tags still on, sometimes there is a photo of the gift because Santa forgot to deliver it (aka it has not yet arrived at the post office), sometimes Darian buys Dekker’s for me because she lives in the city.....and every year I vow this is the last stocking year! They are 25 and 22 damn it. Even if I home schooled I would have told them the truth by now! Anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you had a wonderful day with family and friends. We had a terrific day and I only lied to my kids 3 times today - I will let you sleep in, the Presecco is cold and it is only -15 outside. The vacuuming is tomorrow’s lie. 

December 21

Oh the irony....excitement that we start, slowly getting more daylight after today....then remembering that this is only The First Offical Day of Winter. 

I will express my feelings in emojis:

😢💩🖕🏼🙄🐲☃️🔫🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍻🍪🥟🍕🍟🥓🥓🥓🥓

I’m not sure if bacon is a feeling but I would assume it is. 

Anyway, I’m going to celebrate Christmas and forget winter. 

December 8

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 🎶🎶 🕊.....

Just kidding....

This is my semi-serious 12 issues with post Christmas shopping - none of which rhymes.

Ryan, mom and I finished out shopping today and when we were driving home this was what I was going to do, in no particular order. Except #1 and #2 - I was super fucking serious about those 2! 

1. Pee

2. Take off my bra. Seriously? How necessary are these articles of clothing?!

3. These boots. Why? Taking them off and loving my UGG slippers.

4. Glass of wine. Naturally.

5. Plucking that chin hair that I have been obsessing about all day.

6. Pony tail, so glad not that my hair is finally look no enough to pull away from my face.

7. Dealing with the ridiculous amount of Costco groceries I need to put away. Who needs 2 large bags of coffee and a veggie tray and a case of breakfast sausages? Why, when you’re shopping, do you think you may be deserted on an island and need 6 of everything? Then you get home and remember you already have 7 heads of lettuce and you just bought 2 more?! 

8. Refill of wine glass.

9. Mind numbing regret for the amount of money you spent.

10. Mind numbing regret you didn’t order a 2lbs of wings instead of only 1lbs!

11. Research on Pinterest....can lettuce be deep fried, frozen or muddled into a drink?

12. Sitting on the couch, newly refilled wine glass, basking in the glory of being completed your shopping, when you start to remember everything you forgot to buy and realize you need to made ANOTHER trip to Red Deer!!!!

December 5

Oh my goodness! A month has passed and I have not blogged. I’m really bad at this.

Jen and I recently went on our Annual Christmas Shopping Trip. A quest if you will. It involves copious amounts of shopping, usually some personal shoe shopping, a long lunch where you celebrate with a glass of white, more shopping, back to the room and then a nice night out for supper (usually with Darian). 

This year was no exception (I will attach a photo of my fabulous boots). I have to give a shout out to Nine West. I love you ladies. I think they are the nicest in the mall. I did wear comfortable footwear while shopping but by day two I did shop in my slippers. Honestly. They are UGG slippers so I choose to believe I was fashionable and comfortable. 

I think Christmas shopping is like boot camp. You walk 10 miles carrying 15 pounds of shopping in a mall that has an average temperature of 42 desgrees (honestly Chinook mall - everyone in that mall was suffering from hot flashes) and you have to fight slow walkers, moms with strollers, skinny bitches in Aritzia and over zealous shop attendants. (I bought a pestle and mortar and the woman who sold it to me said it was “authentic” - she knows, she lived in Mexico for 12 years - she told me 12 times in case I hadn’t heard her the first 11 times. She then asked me if I wanted and avocado scoop. I said no, it’s not authentic Mexican. I only buy authentic Mexican items - like pestle and mortars, somberos and prescription Prozac.) I hate it when they try to up sell me. Seriously. I am the worlds largest impulse shopper. I do not need a avacado scoop. I actually didn’t know they existed but it would sit in my drawer beside my garlic press, lemon rind grater, cheese knives, melon ball scoop and apple corer.  Needless to say my cork screw, bottle opener, spaghetti scoop and potato masher get a lot of use. 

The other useless kitchen item I own is a weigh scale. Once, one fucking time, I thought I would weigh my food before eating it. I had some stupid bitch in a store look at the size of my ass and suggest a food scale. Impulsively, I bought it. Does anyone want it? It weighs ice cream, popcorn, both red and white wine and French fries. 

I actually need to address skinny sales people. When I walk into a clothing store I want help from the heaviest person working there to help me. That bitch will be the honest one. I want to ask, “Do I look good in this.” And hear her laughing as she is opening a bottle of wine saying, “Fuck no”. Never mind, that is why I have Jen. 

I once was shopping in a store that I had no business even thinking about shopping in, it was Push in Chinook. It is no longer there and I hope I had some influence on that. I picked out a dress to try on (again, no business trying it on) and merrily skipped off to the dressing room. I got it on okay - imagine a dress 2 sizes too small squeezed over all of my lovely curves. It was hideous. Even I had to laugh. I thought about taking a picture to later show it to my food scale to show how badly we were failing at food measurement. This was not the issue....taking it off was. I tried to take it off inside out over my head. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. I was trapped inside a $210 dress that became a straitjacket. It was covering my face and I had my hands pinned over my head. I started laughing hysterically. I swear to God, I was in there for 45 minutes slowly wiggling my way out. All the while having a 95 pound, 21 year old nimble, 22 inch waist, 5”2’ sales girl asking, “How are you doing in there?” I learned 2 things that day - NEVER TRY ANYTHING ON, buy it there and live with the consequences. And the second - NO SKINNY SALES GIRLS. I’m going to start shopping with my food scale - if a sales girls weight is measurable on that fucking scale and/or she has lived in Mexico then I am going to yell - NEXT! 

Anyway, have to go to work. I promise I will blog more in December. Obviously I have a lot on my mind and this is the cheapest therapy imaginable and also, despite the above comment, I do not take Prozac. 

October 27

Okay, things I hate.....in no particular order...

1. Hangovers. Obviously. But the worst part is the remorse. The fact that this horror has been inflicted upon you by you. This masochist pain that sneaks up on you. The worst is when you don’t get a hangover after a night of indulgence- why? I go through the day questioning my very existence. I can have 2 martinis and a bottle of wine and wake up feeling like I could run a marathon (not really but you get my drift) and other days you have 2 small glasses of wine and need to self-medicate with 5 extra strength Tylenol, 4 extra strength Advil AND a T3 - like on October 27, 2017!!!

2. October 27, 2017 for above mentioned reasons.

3. Rebbeca Kolisnek’s hair. How can 1 human being have the best hair ever! It is always cute. Long, short, blonde, red, black. I usually look like I just slept with a pack of dogs and was moderately electrocuted. I try to replicate her cute do’s but I end up looking homeless....and still white. 

4.  My scale. Obviously. I truly believe the fucker is lying to me. So I bought another on. Now I have a new theory - collusion. Fuckers.

5. Not being able to sing like a rock star. I mean I sing like a rock star but the people who hear me have told me I don’t “sound” like s rock star. Apparently, they have bad hearing. Or do after they hear me sing. 

6. Working. I LOVE my job. I think very few people have the passion or love of their job like I do. I truly do enjoy it. But, I truly do enjoy vacationing more. I’m really good at vacationing. Why have I not won the lottery yet?! I would still work but from 11 - 12:30 on Tuesday and Wednesday’s. Thursday I would put in noon to 3 day. Unless the jet was ready to take me to Belize - then Dennis and I would need to work out an adjusted schedule. I always tell him the plant wouldn’t run without me - God forbid he discovered it does! 

7.   Minus twenty degrees or colder. And any sentence with the word “windchill” in it. Obviously.

8. Picking out a headstone for my dad. Shitty. I would however like to acknowledge I have picked out headstones for others. I know this doesn’t say much for me but it is true. Like I’ve picked out 16 or 17 headstones..... I also want to buy the plot beside my dad because if the fuckers over the hill are buried beside him then I need 3 strong people, shovels and a swear of secrecy because we got some work to do.

9. Digging up bodies. I have yet to do it but it I’m only 46 and I have some questionable friends and I’m always up for a road trip and adventure....

10. My alarm clock. My favourite thing to do on a Friday is shut that bloody thing off. Unfortunately the other thing I am discovering about getting older is that my bladder is the boss. So if the alarm clock doesn’t ring then my bladder is reminding me that it is still time to get up, then the dog is up and then it is like negotiating with North Korea to go back to bed and sleep in. I understand it is a first world problem.

That’s it. Only 10 the bugs that bother me. 😉

October 26

So, firstly, I have to apologize. I have been on a blog hangover, both literally and figuratively. The Road Trip is exhausting mentally and physically. 

I recently had a tooth removed (root canal gone bad from years ago - Eminem rappped a song about it) so-no prayers  necessary. But the nurse (is that what she is called?)that helped the dentist rip the tooth from my mouth was singing, “These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things “ from the Sound of Music - haters take a back seat - and it made me think a few of my favourite things:

1. Sound of Music - you fuckers that have something to say - you wait until I’m done singing “16 going on 17” then form an orderly line and I will deal with you 1 at a time.

2. Rain - falling gently while I am going to sleep. Not the “fuck you” hard core rain when we are biking. Not the “fuck you” rain when we are setting up the tent in gale force winds. Not the “fuck you” sideways rain when we are running for the vehicle on a road trip. Gentle going to sleep rain - you are the boss.

3. Ice. Cold. Beer. On. A. Hot. Summer. Day. Preferably when we drop the tail gate on the Trunk Road. 

4. The Trunk Road. You my friend, are awesome. I do think few people know we have been intimately connected for 35 years. I have a love for you that equals no other. I know every curve, dip, Creek, corner and pee spot. Much love.

5. Christmas. Yes, I set up the tree up 5 weeks early but I love that it is a time for family. I love gingerbread, tinsel, eggnog and carols.

6. Camping. Rain, snow, wind or shine. March to November. I love you. My trailer is equivalent to a confessional. Best ever, I love it.

7. Road trips. Whether we drive to California, Banff, Soth Dakota, Nordegg or Tofino - I love road trips. Ryan or the girls - so many laughs. Ryan and the girls is actually my favourite.

8. My kids - Darian, Dekker and Mike. ❤️ Also Mia and Ava - you two are my almost babies! Also Jord, Jess and Cam. And Taneal and Bryn. And Keanna and Gracie. And Ryanna and Jenae. And all the other kids I have also loved and threatened to cook....,

9. Red wine. You sexy bitch. Snuck up on me and made me love you. Merlot, Malbec, Pinot, Cab Sav, Blend. You tricky bitches.

10. Ryan - my love. Jen - my girl love. Brian - my brother/sister, boy best friend love. Darren - I hate you but not really love. Kim -  my help finish raising me love.

Tomorrow will be my top 10 Things I Hate. Can I please, please name names??? 

October 2

I know everyone read my ridiculous blogs when we were on our vacation but after the absolutely senseless shootings in Vegas and the injuries in Edmonton I have to share my heartache.

I don’t care about your opinion on immigration or gun control (nor will I share mine) this is heartbreaking. I’ve been to many concerts and hockey games (never a football game) and the intention is always to have a good time. Strangers sitting beside you will sing or cheer right along with you. It’s part of the joy of attending. 

I am so sad that this was taken from these people. I cannot comprehend an ideology and/or mental illness that would justify intentionally injuring strangers. Why? 

Please do not stop celebrating life. It’s too short and precious not to. Love your family and friends and carry on. Pray for the family and friends (or if not prayer) then best wishes and sympathy, for the people who were injured or lost their lives. 

Love you Edmonton and Las Vegas. 💜💜💜💜

Then End of September

So September 30, October 1 and 2 went by so quickly. And just like that our Planes, Trains, Trams and Automobile Road Trip 2017 is over. Almost 7,000 kilometres, about a billion calories, 21 tanks of fuel, 8 states, no speeding tickets, 1 flat tire, a lost iPod, 1,000 laughs and a million memories. We really make our own fun.

So glad to be home to my puppies (and so, so glad to have Lola home 💜💜💜 thanks to everyone that looked for her). I will not miss packing and unpacking - and for the love of God someone remind me next year not to pack so much! 

Also thank you to everyone that kept our families, homes and puppies taken care of while we were off being irresponsible. And last of all thanks to everyone who read the blogs, they make us laugh so I hope they make you laugh as well! (Or roll your eyes, or cringe or thank god you're not within a 10 mile radius!) - pretty cool, we had 100's of views daily and countless shares!

Lastly, we have traveled so far, met wonderful people, seen incredible sites but like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home" But I will be sad tomorrow morning that all 6 of us aren't together for coffee! 

September 29

Okay, firstly, Happy Anniversary to my mom and dad. 46 years....we'll sort of. Love you mom 😘😘😘

Today was a really slow day so I'm going to make so shit up. Well except this.....

                            

Yep, I can't make that up. That is Fuzz wearing Jen's pyjama bottoms. He also requested a gender neutral bathroom so I'm not sure what that's all about. He is getting sick. This was him at the beginning of the holiday and the end: 

   

                               

I think we've been hard on him. I, personally think he doesn't have enough body fat.

We did have a great lunch - do you see a pattern forming? We love our meals. Anyway stopped for a lunch and one of the drinks was a "Small Town Dirty Girl". Brian pointed out another waitress and asked if she was the dirty, small town girl? I'm not sure how it was received.....

Anyway, quiet night, but the countdown is on to our trip home....

September 28

So.... this happened today....

              .j     

Yep, almost had to put a mustang down. Broken leg. Left Rexburg at a healthy pace when Brian radioed that he had a low tire. By the time we got stopped it was flat. Farren Williams - we joked that we just needed to wait a few minutes for you to show up (Farren has a crazy 6th sense that kicks in when someone is broken down or stuck in the bush). But alas, no Farren. So 2 1/2 hours later the tow truck driver showed up. 

Now I'm never one to leave a man in the field - especially Brian (you too Kim) but seriously- next stop is Lolo. Lolo is in my top 10 favourite places. We had a guilty conscience for 12, maybe 14 miles. Just kidding, we really struggled with leaving them. I wanted to take one of their shoes to ensure they would follow (little side story - when we are sitting around the fire when we are camping and someone has to go mix a drink or have a pee I used to make them leave a shoe to ensure they would come back. I have since discovered that if someone is sneaking off to bed they are more than happy to give me a shoe and go to bed with one shoe. Apparently sleeping does not require two shoes!) 

Anyway I knew that Brian's LOLO FOMO (fear of missing out in Lolo) would kick in and he would buy a new car if need be. Kim said their tow truck driver, who would like to remain nameless and have his home town also not be named because of his fear of Mormon persecution (gotta love that religion is so welcoming and forgiving 🙄) he kept Kim very entertained. He is very pro-Trump and anti-Mormon. His direct quote was, "The Mormons will brainwash your kids so you better do it first." Now, that is good advise regardless of who influences your children. I did this with my children. They grew up okay - that might be a relative statement. 

We stopped for lunch without the Walisser's 😞 but as you can tell by the photo, they were there in spirit. Also there was the actual rules for the classroom in 1916. 

                            

                            

We tried to count how many lashes we would get but the math became too difficult.

Anyway, finally made it to Lolo at 8:00. Checked in (had to ensure she remembered us - she did. Enough so that she moved everyone away from us), Had a martini (naturally, it is Thursday), had a hot tub (made a new friend - Oregon) and then headed to the bar to hopefully see Jesus again (we almost feel like we are regulars) and....THE BAR WAS CLOSED!! The waitress was moping the floor, the chairs were all up on the tables. I had a panic attack. Jen and I had our faces pressed against the glass, tears rolling down our faces. The cook was outside having a smoke and he said he would ask her if she would let us in. We waited, and waited and 15 long minutes later an angel opened the door and said she would serve us ONE drink.....

Two and a half hours later and Brian and Kim showed up and we were on our 6th double and had Oregon and Chicken Lady (the lady that checked us in but when you're drunk "Check in Lady" becomes "Chicken Lady") and both waitresses drinking shots with us. Both ladies came back to our room (sounds much more provocative then it was) and played poker. Kim and I shut it down about 4:00 am. Little tired today. 

Wanda and Vanessa you were really great thank you. And Wanda, thank you for remembering us from 2014 and 2016 and I'm sure you'll remember 2017! 😘

September 27

Checked into the hotel and we were told that Happy Hour was from 5:30 until 7:00. Happy Hour in Wyoming means free! Set the tone for the evening so the morning of the 27th was a little slow.....

Peter and Brenda O'Toole are doing their own road trip of more western states and are now on their way home and met us in Rock Springs. I'm sure they are regretting their decision to follow us home. We 6 are pretty hard to keep up with (literally and figuratively!)

Stopped and did some shopping in some town that I honestly don't remember the name of. Then had a great pub lunch and had the best corn chicken chowder. It had crispy bacon in it. I would sell my soul to the devil for a big bowl of it with a side of blue cheese fries. 

Anyway on to Jackson. Such a great drive. I wish I had a dollar for every time Ryan passed a vehicle (or 10 at once - true story) and the speedometer was over 100 MILES AN HOUR. Hasn't really scared me yet, but I have had to remind him a time or two that there is no checkered flag at the end of the road trip. 

Made it to Jackson and what a cool little town. Went for a beer at The Million Dollar Bar - we asked for the history. The bar was built in 1912 and burnt down n 1972. When they rebuilt it .......it cost a million dollars to rebuild. I was very disappointed. I was waiting for - they found a million dollars in gold under the floorboards or an old timer sruck it rich and built he bar. Nope, just a million to rebuild it ( sounds like a bad contractor that mismanaged the build but I didn't say that - just kept drinking my $14 beer). Actually, I think that's why it's the Million Dollar Bar - they make a million a month charging their exorbitant prices! 

Had a great supper and honestly went to bed. I know boring. It's hard keeping up my lifestyle and weight. Sometimes you need to choose....

Also hung out with these sexy beasts....

September 26

It's hard to sleep in when your in a tent....surrounded by 20 other tents....and have to pee. 

Packing these cars is a skill that few have mastered but these boys are experts. In a previous life they packed groceries at Costco. Ryan gets exasperated (nice word for pissed off) every time I buy stuff. It requires a totally new packing sequence. I try to remember that when I pack at home but I always pack too much. I should do outfit changes when we stop for lunch. I'm not sure if that will help with Ryan's level of frustration. 

We decided that we are going to start our own travelling food show - instead of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives our is going to be Bars, Breweries and Brothels or Wings, Whiskey and Women. Not sure, still working out the details. Another thing I'm growing fond of is burgers that are pink in the middle. I'm a big girl, I could survive salmonella....16 times. 

Anyway, leaving Utah (speed limit is 80 m/hr - they even encourage you to leave) to Colorado - my new almost favourite state. Colorado, you sexy bitch....oh...wait a minute.....

Stopped for lunch at Gramma's Kitchen. Now I've told you when you walk into a bathroom and all posters warn you of human trafficking you get the hell outta Dodge right? Well when you walk into a restaurant and there is an open Bible on the counter the same goes....get the hell out. No booze and none allowed in. WTF Colorado?! Starting to act like Utah....just sayin'. We were sitting at the table pondering over the map when some locals (dressed head to toe in camo) asked for clarification where we were going. Then they immediately asked if the cars outside were ours. Never a good sign. They gave us "better" directions. 22 miles of gravel. So Colorado just let me do some quick math 5x8+10+22=72 miles of gravel!! We literally were on a back road in the middle of no where and when we crossed state line pavement started. Colorado take a seat. Wyoming you're in. 

Wyoming, beautiful snow covered mountains and drilling rigs. You're in! Made it to Rock Springs. 

                        

September 25

Woke up early and enjoyed a cup of coffee in front of the tents with everyone (except Kim, who tried (unsuccessfully) to sleep in) before we got ready for our airplane tour over The Needles, Confluence of the Colorado and Green Rivers and many very cool formations. Completely different perspective seeing it from the air. Intimidating to realize how easy you could get lost in the hundreds of valleys. Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid hid out here after they would rob a bank or train. There was one area that was named after a hermit who lived back there for 30 years.  Brian  said he wasn't a hermit, he was lost out there for 30 years. Very beautiful. I take it back Utah - you are the second last kid to get picked for dodgeball.

Then went into Moab for lunch and some shopping. We had the best appetizer ever. French fries with crumbled blue cheese, melted cheddar cheese and buffalo sauce with sour cream to dip them in. Why in the name of God have I never made this before? All of my favourite foods together. Maybe with crumbled bacon on top. Oh my God, I would sell my soul to the devil for a large plate right now. 

Us girls donated some money to the Moab retail economy and then caught up with the boys....Brian and Fuzz were sleeping with the homeless people while Ryan sat on a bench and watched over them. It was very romantic. 

Then we drove through Arches National Park and it was amazing.....for the first mile....then I felt a little like Clark Grizwold at the Grand Canyon....done. First, I hate tourists (we consider ourselves travellers not tourists- there is a huge difference) and secondly I hate tourists in vehicles. The only way I'll go back to Yellowstone is if there is absolutely no one else there - like post apocalypse. And ditto for the Arches. 

Another trip to the liquor store, picked up pizzas and then back to the tents. There is a group fire and in true Rocky Shit Show style (the title of our travelling band) we arrive and take over the show. Greet everyone like we own the place and start telling the our life story, laugh at their accents, try not to say "shit" or "fuck" in front of the kids, mention that we BBQ crying babies and it usually clears out pretty fast. Anyway Fuzz was loading the fire up with wood when one of the attendants came up and asked if he kicked the wood pile before he grabbed wood? Why? TO SCARE THE BLACK WIDOWS, BROWN RECLUSES, SCORPIONS AND SNAKES! Please remind me when it's forty below at home and I've plowed snow three times that week and I'm bringing in firewood that I don't need to worry about losing my fucking life to some god awful creature! ( on a side note - why does my iPad still not recognize the word "fuck"? I thought it would know me by now). 

The fire also had complimentary s'more making ingredients (by the way - we also criticize others s'more making techniques - we're making friends everywhere....) so we made s'mores (and had to stop Walisser from stealing all chocolate bars) and this same attendant that warned us about our impending doom (he was a Mexican that had summer teeth - some are here, some are there - who looked homeless) was also lecturing us on other stuff (I stopped listening) when Fuzz leaned over and whispered, "He's just here to steal the s'more stuff, he doesn't work here, I recognize him from my nap this afternoon." 

We all laughed.....and the Mexican left....with the s'more stuff.....and Fuzz's phone number......

September 24

When we planned this trip Brian and I had 2 Mystery Nights that we really hyped up. Jen said, "That's fine, as long as it's not a tent in the fucking desert." We had the big reveal.....and...IT WAS A FUCKING TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT!! Canvas tents with king sized beds and a wood stove. Sounds relaxing- quaint and unique - glamping at its best. Reality - a lot of highway traffic you could hear, scorpions, spiders and geckos. You could hear someone farting in nearby tents (no names mentioned). Outhouses and no power but the sunrises over the the Moab Mountains was pretty amazing and well worth the discomfort. 

We did arrive in Utah on a Sunday and quickly realized we broke our first two Road Trip Rules:

1. Never, under any circumstances, pass through Utah on a Sunday. 
2. Please see Rule #1. 

Everyone in this state is in church on a Sunday. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. If Canada wanted to invade on a Sunday we could totally take this state. Probably wouldn't even need the military. Just kidding, we don't want this state. We have Drumheller. We did ask the Americans that we sat with at the fire at night if we could have Alaska. We would do a straight trade for Quebec. And for good measure Trudeau as well. Unfortunately they seem attached to Alaska so we just let them have Trudeau to show there was no hurt feelings. 

Utah, I think you may be the equivalent to the last kid picked for dodgeball. 

 

(Backup) September 23 (we think...)

Today was a very quiet day. The boys went into Durango.....shopping. Yes, you read that right. Us girls stayed home and had a quiet day - cards, hot tub and mimosas and the boys went shopping. 

We enjoyed a two hour hot tub until there was a huge bolt of lightening and booming thunder. I think Jesus is mad at Kim.... Needless to say we evacuated the tub quickly to play poker. Jen was suffering today with altitude/hangover sickness. Last night when we were playing poker we made a rule - first jack played does a shot. Who knew Jen would play that many jacks?!?! I think she likes Fireball/Cinnamon Tequila/Root Beer Schnapps!

The boys were at the Can-Am/Polaris dealership (if you ask Brian it was a Polaris/Can-Am dealership). Darren spent $$$$. It was the girl equivalent of buying shoes. The boys all drove in the Camaro- with Baby Fuzzy in the back. 

Brian The Breakfast Maker made us another wonderful breakfast. He is so good at it! Monsieur you have a sous chef! 

We had a girl group discussion and we think the boys are spending too much time together! 

September 22

What a day! Some people sky dive. Some people bungy jump. Some people vote for the NDP.  We drive the Million Dollar Highway between Durango and Telluride. If you have done this drive before then hats off. We are going make a club. We're all getting matching tattoos. Jack and Jill went up the most treacherous fucking hill that the Lord Jesus ever made and Jill screamed and bitched while Jack told her to shut the fuck up - isn't that how the poem goes? Pass altitude was 11,000 feet. I'm sorry but suddenly my life revolves around altitude. 

It was the biggest extremes of my life. The most beautiful drive of my life and yet the closest I've come to death. No guard rails and at least a 300 foot drop to our deaths. At supper the boys did a reenactment of the possible ways we could have died using mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise bottles. I don't think I'll ever use ketchup again. You know it's bad when the boys were driving the speed limit (btw....Ryan passed 10 vehicles doing 110 mph yesterday) and they are holding the steering wheel at 10 and 2. I honestly feel like I cheated death. Wine tastes better and the air smells sweeter.

In the spirit of the Old West we are going to go by new names. Some of the "Working Girls" names in Cripple Creek back in the day were: Dirty Neck Nell, Dizzy Daisy, Bilious Bessie, Slippery Sadie, Greasy Gertie and Victor Pig. So keep your expectations low. Jen is Jalopy Jen. Kim is Krusty Cagin' Kim and I am Sluicy Stacy. I think we would have been popular. Except we fight a lot. And we would be playing poker instead of entertaining. And we get a lot of headaches. So we'd be sub-par working girls. We would be the madams. Rich. 

The boys are gun fighters. Darren is Derringer. Brian is Two Knuckles Kid. And Ryan - he is an Indian - so he is Chief Many Tongues. Because he talks in 652 different accents. They are really bad gun fighters. They are also bad drinkers and bad poker players. Day 9 done, +/- 10,000 feet, 10 bottles of red, 3 bottles of carolinas, 2 bottles of Kahula, 1 bottle of Grey Goose and 9 cases of beer, 9 bottles of Prosecco, $300 US lost in poker games, 2 car washes and 34,873 pieces of mouse poop. 

On to Day 10.....

                        

September 19, 20 AND 21

It's hard to have a full time job on holidays. I'd even have to give myself a talking to but please understand we're all suffering with a terrible condition - altitude sickness (I thought it was a hangover because it's the same symptoms). I thought I would be immune to altitude sickness, similar to my belief that I would not suffer from sea sickness. 8 minutes on the ocean and I am throwing up violently. Anyway, back to altitude sickness - we are at 9,500 feet and I'm pretty sure only astronauts and mountain goats live at this height. So this is the tips that they gave us:

• Stay hydrated - drink twice as much as you normally consume. I'm pretty sure that doesn't include the amount of alcohol we have been consuming.
• Limit your intake of alcohol. Not sure what this means.
• First sign of a headache take ibuprofen. This lead to my confusion- hangover? Altitude?
• Avoid overexerting yourself. Okay! 
• Symptoms include headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping and dizziness. This lead to my confusion- hangover? Altitude?
• Seek treatment if symptoms continue. WE NEVER USE THE "T" WORD!!

September 19 - toured Cripple Creek. You cannot say Cripple Creek without singing "Up On Cripple Creek 🎶" We took a train ride and got a little history of the gold rush. Pretty cool stories. Their red light district was interesting- you needed a copy of your bank statement and 2 letters of reference before you could be "entertained". Those girls had a plan! Jen, Kim and I had a party that night. My wine glass was always filled to the rim and it was me filling it. I lost brain/hand communication for the night. Anyway, we shut 'era down at 2:00. 

September 20 - 🤒. Little slow in the morning. Headed to Cave of the Winds and then took the tram to Pike's Peak. Why wouldn't we?! Let's go to 14,115 feet because 9,500 feet is for pussies! It was cold and windy. They have the race on the Pike's Peak highway every year and there is literally a hair pin turn that a French race car driver took at 80 miles an hour - I think Ryan took it as a challenge. He (the French man, not Ryan) made it up the hill in 8 minutes- 150 hairpin turns in 8 minutes. Fucking Frenchmen! Anyway - on the tram trip down everyone passed out except Ryan (he has photos). We went down to Manitou for a beer and wings and we sat beside these people who asked if we were from Canada....we were impressed and said "YES! How did you know that?!" He said because we look different! Different? Then the guy wash bitten by a squirrel- twice (I seriously cannot make this shit up!) so we were fairly comfortable with looking different. 

September 21 - up and out of the house. Headed to Durango. What a great drive. Honestly, probably our prettiest drive from all drives. The Cascades in Washington are a pretty close second. Looked for a car wash in every little town we drove through. Thought we found one in Center but it was a dud. It was last used in 1982. Ryan went into the gas station and asked if there was another car wash in town (this town was comparable to Leslieville) and the gas station attendant said, "I don't know" - a high IQ is not a prerequisite for the job.... Also, we had a pee in the bathroom that had a sign that said - Stop Human Trafficking. Okay. If you are in a questionable little town where they are warnings about human trafficking then you get the fuck out of town. Quickly. Got to the house and WOW! Best house we've ever stayed at. 

Just a side note- we're all sitting having coffee trying to remember the last three days and this is Jen's response- Tuesday we had sausages with white gravy, Wednesday we had meatloaf and Thursday we had pizza. Why is this girl not 200 pounds! 

Jen and I have also discovered that we like dark beer. We are adding to our repertoire of drinks.....

                                         

                        

September 17 and 18

Okay, I'm sure everyone understands after seeing the 16th video that the 17th was an almost A.F.D. (Alcohol Free Day)....almost. We had a wonderful day - visited The Crazy Horse monument (unbelievable) and then Mount Rushmore (which would have been impressive had we not just seen Crazy Horse).

I can't believe that in the U.S. That someone can say, "Let's carve a face in that mountain" - in Canada you would be strung up and quartered (please see my mid-July rant about the mother fucker that would not let me park at the Lake Louise overflow). These crazy Americans. They also call Indians - Indians. Not First Nations or Indigenous or what ever we call them. Seriously? If I was an Indian then I'm an Indian. I'm white - not Light Skinned or Of European Descent. Totally on a side note - I'm dying to do the Ancestry.com DNA test. I swear to God if I'm at all Indian I'm going have people identify me as such. But what if I was French - shit. I would lie to you all. Also - no garbage in the ditches. Nice. And they all love Trump. 

Sorry, I got distracted. We had a late supper then home for a quick game of cards and then bed because we had to be up and out of the house by 7:30 - big day of driving.

Out of the house by 7:32. This is again why we have to limit the party. The six of us are a well oiled machine. Such a long day. Before I go on I have to acknowledge the beauty of the Black Hills. Breathe taking. Seriously, you have to see it. Loved the drive. Wyoming too is pretty impressive but I think the Black Hills of South Dakota are hard to compete with. (Don't worry Oregon- you are still my favourite state). Then Colorado- glad to see the Rockies again but I have composed a short letter to Denver.....

Dear Denver,

I hope I never see you again.

Yours truly,

Stacy Ingham

Wow, just wow. I will NEVER again complain about Deerfoot in rush hour. I will giggle and wave at fellow drivers. Blowing kisses and waving at everyone. Slowing down to let drivers in front of me. God Calgary I love everyone of you frustrated rush hour commuters. You're adorable. Denver, you sick, twisted Motherfuckers should  ever be allowed behind the wheel. An hour and a half of death defying driving. I would rather go through labour, have a root canal and exercise for 20 minutes all in the same day - rather than go through Denver again. 

Then we had to go to our house. I would like to record the drive because describing it would not do it justice. Imagine driving up Baseline Mountain - Old Baseline, not New Baseline - in a Camaro (that your husband may or may not love more than you) that has no clearance in the dark for 5 miles! Honestly, the road is a trail, there is a mere suggestion of a road. But we're excited about waking up to what we think is going to be an amazing view (we are 8,500+ feet high). 

 No pictures until we get to better cell service. 

September 16

Well what a day - we had a slow start to the day. Brian Walisser cooked bacon, bacon and more bacon. Needless to say he is our hero. Except Fuzz pointed out that he was wearing his super hero cape backwards.

                                                 

Kim was lucky enough to draw a room on the main floor - so she is forced to get up early. You're welcome Kim. Also, on a side note - she is drinking double rum and coke when we go out. We unleashed the beast.

Then we headed into Deadwood. What a cool little town. Very impressive. I did hear a woman saying,"I'm so glad they put stores downtown. It was all bars and casinos before" - I throat punched her. Twice. We had a game of Screw Your Neighbor at the bar that Wild Bill was killed in. Also a great idea - they have cards on all of the bar tables. I won. Unfortunately, I spotted everyone the cash so I just won my own money back. 🤔

Did some shopping and then had a lovely supper. We have started walking into bars, restaurants, stores, pretty much any room and apologizing to everyone there. We made friends with a couple that were celebrating their 3 year anniversary and I think she maybe now following our blog - Hi Dianne! (I'm not sure if that was her name but she looks like a Dianne or maybe Linda. Definitely not a Susan)

Then on to Them Vibes and Cheap Trick. It was great - very nice people and guess what!? NO RAIN!! 

                          

                             
      

                                                  

So if we're patient enough to read to the end you are in for a treat. We came home and the party continued- cards, shots, singing and then.....Ryan performing...  it's worth watching the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKF_qZdHnDU&feature=share

September 15

Listen, I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was trying to solve a riddle - Where the fuck are the falls in Great Falls? Seriously, I've never seen these "Great Falls" that they seem to be falsely advertising. I understand Niagara Falls boasting about their falls - they are impressive, but never have I seen a calendar showing the wonderous Great Falls of Great Fall, Montana. Maybe it's like calling the frozen, empty ice block Greenland - maybe it's for the irony of the name. Touché Great Falls, you take this round. This is a topic that me and my friend, Siri will investigate further.....

I first should introduce my merry band of travelling partners to all who do not know us:

Kim - she is very funny and recently able to drink as much red wine as Jen and I (like the Olympics it takes a lot of practice - good job Kim 👏🏼). Kim will correct our pronunciation of the various little towns we drive through - I just mumble the names. She's a rockstar. She is also the keeper of our money, virtue and integrity- her hands are full. But seriously on a side note - if you're going to roll any of us she's your girl. She is usually packing a fair bit of cash. 

Brian - (aka the Third Vagina from the famous 3V's) He is our communications guy that usually communicates in giggles and eye rolls. He likes his martinis dirty and is also enjoying a semi-low carb lifestyle. He likes piña coladas and getting drunk in the rain.....shit. He is my brother from another mother...and also another father.

Darren - oh Darren. How do you describe Darren? He is the grumpiest, cheapest little fucker you'll ever meet. But he is also one of the nicest people I've ever met. He started out yesterday by telling all of us on the radio that, "This is my favourite time of the year. Roads trip with my best friends." Now, slow down buddy - let's take this one day at a time. 💜

Jen - she has the best hair you will ever see. I know that doesn't seem like it warrants acknowledgement but when you stand by her in photos ALL THE TIME you will understand my frustration. She laughs at all my jokes and usually (honestly) finishes my sentences. Kim says about Jen and I - 2 heads, one brain. I think she means 2 heads, one Brian but she doesn't always pronounce everything correctly....

Ryan - God bless you. He is so patient (not really), understanding (ummm.....) and loving. He has his new car and he is like a kid at Christmas- I'm not sure he knows I'm in the car. He delegated me 2 jobs - play good road trip songs (yesterday we listened to Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen 12 times - not sure what is up with my IPod- but the 12th time I insisted we listen to it for hidden messages- I think Jesus might have been trying to tell us something) and 2nd job - pull the e-brake when we park. I think he likes to give me some responsibility. 

Me: Skinny, witty, sassy, smart, ummm, I think that's it. Oh and not demanding or annoying. That's it. Oh, and responsible.

So left Not That Great Falls in the pouring rain. Pouring. Rain. Jen wasn't sure if she could do the drive. Seriously,   I bought you Mala beads for this shit. And no drinks this morning. No. Drinks. What. The. Fuck. 

Did a tour through Custer's Last Stand. Depressing, and still raining. So more depressing. Lots of white people died, few Indians, but...spoiler alert - it still didn't turn out well for them.

Saw a sign that said - Road Construction Ahead. No big deal, summer, there is always road construction. But this....this was road rehabilitation. Maybe road creation. Attached is a video of Ryan 4x4-ing with his new car. Attached NOT a video of him swearing inside the car. You're welcome. 

https://youtu.be/5KQ4NM-mrWs (video provided by Brian Walisser of Oras Communications)

                                               

I know now we can do a road trip to Ram Falls in the car. 

So then on ....still in the rain. Almost snow. Zero degrees. But we stopped for a beer at a sketchy bat with probably the scariest human being I've ever laid eyes on. Ever. And the bar advertised Topless Tuesday - good news - its Friday. I made Brian take a picture of the zombie, I mean, waitress but it isn't a very good picture but he refused to take another one. After he took the picture she turned and looked into his soul and he was afraid. 

                 

Arrived at the house after 580 miles and 12 hours, a 7 mile 4x4 trip, a visit with a soulless zombie, $800 in booze and food for 2 days, 60,000 gallons of rain and no speeding tickets! Great day! 

               

September 14

So.... the Mitsubishi morphed into a Camaro! Surprise to all Ryan bought an ZL1 Camaro. It has been hidden in our garage for 3 weeks! Most stressful 3 weeks of my life. I was so scared Brian or Darren would discover it before the big reveal! 

Anyway met in Caroline this morning (where all nefarious activities begin!). Showed up in the car and surprised everyone....except Jen.....she didn't know it was our car. God bless, my special friend. Then on to our trip....

Bragg Creek/Prentice Creek - Mother Nature, you saucy bitch - snow. You are the most unpredictable bitch I know, when I think we are getting along and could be life long besties, you throw a curve ball. Snow. Ya, that's right, it's September and I own it and I could make it +30, or -30 or rain or snow or throw in a mother-fucking -tornado, but September is my month and you bow to me!    Okay, point taken. You win. On a side note - so glad Pincher/Watertown saw any moisture. God bless to all who are suffering in Southern Alberta. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

The border crossing went unbelievably well (probably an indicator of how bad our trip north will be). All Ryan and I were asked is if we, "Had any tobacco." Why, no, Mr. Border Crossing Man. No tobacco but 40 Pounds of marijuana and a cut up dead body, but no tobacco. Just kidding - but I did slam my Mimosa pre-border and was feeling no pain at the border. But 'Merica accepted us as one of their own.

We stopped at Brady for beer (super excited we could buy Miller High Life - Champagne of Beers) and had a great time with all of the locals. They love us. We had to hear all of their "Canadian" stories and all of the times they interacted with Canadians. Pretty sure we broke their Canadian Mold. We were pretty much on our best behaviour - like 90%. Maybe 65%. OKAY, FUCK! 38%!!!!!!

Then to Great Falls. Our old friend The Best Western. You did not let us down. Beer and supper and then early night. 

Yes, we all were in bed with Brian... my God, if I had a dollar for every time I've said that.....

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and in the words of Monatians (is that what their called? Montarians, Monatiations? This suddenly became very difficult!)  "The worst drive in Montana", so my hopes are high. I have driven to Smoky Lake, and Lord Jesus it was boring so that is my benchmark, Montana - do not disappoint me! 

September 13

Off on our Fucking Adventure tomorrow......

''Twas the night before the road trip and all through the house

Ryan was yelling "Don't forget your computer and mouse!"

The suitcases were packed and stored by the door 

Anticipating the morn, no snow and foot to the floor

The beer is stored on ice in the cooler

Warm beer - eee gads - there's nothing crueller

Ryan's in the garage and I in the bath

Counting US$ - it's difficult math

I know in the morn there will be such a clatter,

Full tanks of gas is all that will matter

On Brian, on Kim, on Ryan, Darren and Jen

Mimosas for us but none for the men

Ryan will jump in his car - alas - no Camaro

Buck up honey - it isn't an Alero!

Off we will go, smiling and happy....

But have no fear but the end we'll be snappy!

Okay, that's all I've got. Who knew that poem was 90 minutes long!!

September 11

Okay, get ready. Road trip 2017 countdown...3......

Let me first start by acknowledging Jen's Birthday. She is about to reach Level 46 of the Game of Life. I believe that comes with a lifetime supply of merlot, great boobs and a free spin. You go girl ❤️.

Next, although I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm and support of our trip and their expressed interest to accompany us, let me explain. No. I'm sorry but this is just not applicable. Booking houses, restaurants and excursions for more than 6 is near impossible. Nay, nay, truly impossible. This is a trip that requires 110% commitment and $10,000. For real-sesses. It is not for the faint of heart. Not unlike a life-timed plan to the top of Everest (or for the very least Camp1) this is a long, hard road trip that is only enjoyed but the truly, sadistic, motherfuckers that travel hundreds of miles a day that wake up at the crack of dawn to do it again. I refuse to plan for more than 6. Mike drop. Leave the stage. 

So we had our pre-plan meeting/argument/bartering/threatening meeting tonight (and all who know me know"meeting" is not in my vocabulary) about our route. We have decided in stone (or yellow highlighter for Jen and I, green for Brian or blue for Darren and Ryan who cannot stay focused and want to know where Kentucky is). So countdown is on....

September 1 - WFT - seriously September?!

I recently had to swear on the Bible that I would tell – “the whole truth, nothing but the truth so help me God’.  Now I struggled with the entire concept. For many reasons:

·         I find the Bible as reliable/realistic/truthful as Wikipedia. I have issue with a book written, rewritten, edited and otherwise altered over the last few hundred years by men with their own social, political and sexist views.

·         My memory is sketchy at best. Last Tuesday is fairly fuzzy for me. Dates are subjective (incidentally so are years!) to me. I usually remember my weight and my hair colour/style at the time not the date.

·         Lawyers are pompous asses that are far more motivated by their financial greed than the fight for the greater good. Ryan and I would never divorce and fight over the kids – it would be a coin toss – heads they’re yours and tails they’re mine. Totally on a side note – the court visit had NOTHING to do with divorce.

·         The entire judicial system should be sped up. Honestly, if I was the judge,  in 99% of these cases it would not take me long to get through this shit. You have 45 minutes TOPS to plead your case. I’ll give you a pretty quick verdict. I’m a mom – I know when someone is full of shit.

·         Less financial penalties and more community service. But serious community service. Like cleaning ditches and planting trees and helping others. Serious manual labour. I can supervise as well. I will have lots of time because I will be speeding through the court cases in the morning and busting their asses in the afternoon.  

So, if I am every called as a witness (and please tell me you also sing, “Can I get a Witness” by Marvin Gaye anytime you hear that statement) again I think when I am asked to swear on the Bible I am going to ask to pinkie swear everyone I the courtroom (pinkie swears are unbreakable and completely upheld in the court of Stacy). I will tell them that I promise to tell you as much as I remember and whether or not I was wearing size 8 jeans or 14 and if I liked my hairdo at the time. Boom! Next case…..

August 26

So, sorry I haven't blogged anything recently. I have been busy dieting and trying not to kill anyone. So far so good. 

I didn't realize it before but carbs are magical. They make me love life (...read between the lines....Ryan), they make me smart, witty, funny, enjoyable to be around. Carbs are wonderful and I have not had any for 216 hours and 23 minutes. If someone offered me a warm cinnamon bun I would cut a bitch to eat it! I would eat it slowly and savour every bite. 

Now I am a protein/fibre girl. Also - not sure if everyone knows this or not - red wine is NOT high in protein. Or fibre. Nor is vodka. I asked Siri and unless that bitch has something again me and merlot then no, no protein. I considered soaking salmon in vodka but my scale and a looming size 16 (!!!!) said no, back away chubby girl. 

So here I am, carbless and crying. I believe that could be a country song! But I can do this. Our road trip is nearing and I do not want Ryan to have to put extra springs on my side of the car so 15 pounds or bust. Also my BFF's are suffering along side me (shout out to my homies that drank water and declined the wings and ribs while watching the McGregor Mayweather fight). On a positive note - tomorrow I will remember who won the fight. I also picked up some great tips - tire the other guy out, mock him slightly and then be gracious with your win. 

Anyway, Tuesday is weigh in day so I'll keep you posted.....

August 15

Well I spent some quality time with my mom on Sunday. Picking out a funeral plot for her and dad. Yep, nothing says, "Funday Sunday" like graveyard hopping. But God bless her for making these decisions now. My dad and I were funeral whores. Anytime he needed someone to go with him I would be there. (Mostly for the sandwiches). I have a very nervous tick - I laugh at funerals. I swear to God I don't know why but I do. At Grandma Jean's funeral the pall bearers slipped on the snow (cowboy boots + snow = disaster) and almost dropped the coffin. All I could think of was Grandma saying, "Well excuse me I just fell out of the hearse" which was one of her favourite sayings. I was out of control laughing. Even at Dad's funeral (to date worst day of my life) I laughed pretty much through the entire process. Well, until I had to get up to give his eulogy, then I struggled. But my dad would have laughed - mostly at me - and he wouldn't have minded me saying fuck either - he would have really laughed at that. Anyway, this leads me to my own funeral wishes:

I have to preface this with Darian's prediction that Jen and I will die together of sudden liver failure. Like Thelma and Louise The Sequel. 

• Naturally martinis, red or white wine will be served when you enter. 
• Have not yet decided where the funeral will be held (depends on how infamous I/we are at our death(s). Definitely not a church, actually most churches requested this.
• I would like everyone to sing Country Roads. But it must be sung like I sing it.....badly. Maybe Fat Bottom Girls too, maybe read the crowd, see if they want something a little more upbeat. No hymns for the love of God.
• Crying, wailing. Especially from Ryan (and please make sure he doesn't bring a date) - just kidding, Darian already said she'd take care of that.
• I have not yet decided about cremation. I requested that Ryan build me a mausoleum but that was shut down fairly quickly. I'm 98% leaning towards cremation. 
• Also not sure of my pall bearers. I believe the number I have directly corresponds to my death weight. So is 12 too many? Like bridesmaids! I actually like this idea when I'm alive. Like Cleopatra being cared around. 

Anyway, any day spent with my mom is great. She had a beautiful spot picked out for her and dad (and the ashes of the 4 dogs we have - don't tell her though). She will be around for many years to come (very important because we need to know who they'll be buried by - many need to relocate to a better neighbourhood 😉) And my death will come after I overthrow the nursing home I am lodged at and eliminate curfew and institute Happy Hour at the ripe age of 94. 

August 11

There are certain things that will never cease to amaze me:

1. That I do not have full time parental supervision. Honestly, the fact that I don't have to run some of my decisions past a responsible adult amazes me.

2. That I plant flowers in the summer. I have the attention span of a two month old puppy. By mid-July I'm excited about which plant is going to die first so I can get some off of my deck. (My deck currently looks like an Amazonian rain forest)

3. That I have not identified anyone on Americas Most Wanted. I've watched that show before and sworn I recognized someone from high school.

4. My ability to binge watch a series on Netflix and start talking with an accent. Case in point, I am 3 seasons into Nashville and I'm saying, "Ya'll" and "Gracious". I totally blame my vulgar language on Shameless. 

5. Why I'm not a better singer. Ya'll, I try darn hard but gracious me I sound like a cat getting its tail stepped on. (Thank you Nashville) or Jesus Christ I can't carry a tune on a tin fucking can (Thank you Shameless)

6. Vladimir Putin and as sex symbol. He looks like every evil villain in a Bond movie.

7. Why I don't own a vineyard. Cut out the middle man - genius!

8. Why I cannot do a cartwheel. Actually in recent years my gymnastic ability has digressed to the point that getting off the floor without groaning is an achievement. 

9. Why popcorn isn't a food group. Why sweet Jesus? Why?

10. Why I cannot do eye make up and look like a super model! Nope I look like a meth addicted hooker. Not a good look. 

Just some of the things that keep me up at night. Now off to watch 17 YouTube videos on eye make application and Vladimir memes.....

August 4

There are some crazy laws that are still applicable in Canada.

1. Coin Overload- there are limits to how many coins you can use in 1 transaction. $5 in nickels, $25 in loonies or $40 in toonies. Nothing about dimes or quarters so carry on paying for groceries with them. I think this applies to my poker pot winnings please cash my winnings into bills, preferably $100 bills.

2. No sorcery or enchantment - it is illegal to fraudently pretend to exercise or to use any kind of witchcraft, socery, enchantment or conjugation or to tell fortunes for payment. Now this one confuses me - does this include when I tell someone to go fuck themselves? I sometimes wish people would fuck off. I think I'm walking a fine line on this one.

3. Garage sales - it is illegal to hold more than 2 garage sales a year in Toronto. 2 things I have going for me here - I hate Toronto and I hate garage sales. Should be safe on this one. I am an anti-hoarder, I hate clutter and I'm sure as shit not buying other people's clutter. I also don't like other people trying to wheel and deal with me....or talk to me. 

4. No duelling - it is illegal to challenge or be challenged by someone in a duel. This totally applies to Indian Leg Wrestling. I have a few drinks and think my fat legs are good for something (besides looking fabulous of course!) and I can win a wrestling match. Please, if I ever challenge you to a fight, pat my head and say, no little retard, sit down. 

5. No fake maple - no faking Canadian maple syrup. Again safe on this one. Although it is difficult to maintain this weight I don't really like maple syrup.

6. Leave the Queen alone - it is prohibited to intentionally alarm or frighten the Queen. I absolutely think that this also applies to Princesses!! I think I need to retain a lawyer for this one! Spiders, throat chopping and Lake Tahoe whoopsies will all be illegal. No being scared on the side by side or river boat. Longs walks sometimes frighten me as do undercooked burgers. Oh my goodness I think I need to start writing this down for my lawyer.

August 1

Cleaning house tonight and I thought I would take a 15 minute break to figure out my Apple Music account.....2 hours later.....

• I have made a life long friend with Derrick the Apple support guy
• He lives in Idaho...alone (probably has 16 cats or God forbid someone tied up in the basement) on a side note - I have difficulty getting dog/cat/horse/house sitters, imagine getting someone to take care of your basement prisoner for a weekend!
• Derrick will be joining us for Christmas 
• Derrick took great joy in telling me I didn't need an "update" I needed an "upgrade". Apparently I have not updated since 2011. I didn't think that was bad until I realized it is currently 2017 (screw July, where did 2012 and 2013 go!)
• Still waiting for my upgrade to complete - probably complete mid-2018
• Realized I have been paying for Apple Music for 14 months and have never used it, all the while paying for songs
• Almost positive that Derrick has access to all my iLife. iPhone,iPad,Mac. If I disappear look for me in an Idaho basement....

Looking forward to Tuesday at noon when Derrick calls me back for an update (no joke!)

July 30

Dear July,

Where did you go? You were here, we had some laughs and now you're gone. You always do this to me! I do know I probably contributed to it by drinking copious amounts of wine and the unfortunate stress jar night but seriously July - I hardly knew you. Moving on to a slower paced August who loves me and is going to support my new eating and drinking habits. August, I look forward to reading on the deck with you and mowing the lawn with a large frosty glass of water. August, when we part ways so that I can greet my old friend September I know your love and support will contribute to my 10 pound weight loss. Don't fail me August. 

Much love,

Stacy 

July 24

So I just finished reading A Long Way Home (adapted to the movie Lion). I suddenly have a whole new respect for 5 year olds! This kid survived the streets of Calcutta for 3 weeks and the many weeks in an orphanage in Calcutta. Seriously?! Although I was personally aquatinted with my own 5-year old self at one time and I can realistically say I was a pretty serious bad ass, I was in no way prepared to deal with Calcutta. Nor was I prepared to deal with the mean streets of Eckville for a solid 45 minutes. I was maybe more accurately described as a slightly prepared, nap needing 5 year old.

I think I cannot even pretend to comprehend the horrors of this world. I don't want to. I already have problems sleeping. I think my greatest wish is to be a good person - but I think I am a slightly prepared, nap needing 46 year old. 😕

July 21

I feel a little bad about my anti-Canadian-150-birthday-visitors-thing so I'll share why I'm proud to be Canadian:

1. Surviving winter for 46 years. Winters that last from mid-September to mid-May. Winters that include -40 degrees WITHOUT windchill. Winters that have 6 1/2 hours of daylight. I fucking hate it, except when my wood box is full, the Oilers are ahead by two goals with 2 minutes left in the third, the driveway is plowed and I have a full glass of wine, on my couch, with my husband and my dogs.

2. Beer commercials. Nothing brings a tear to my eye and elevates my national pride more than a Molson Canadian commercial. I. Am. Canadian.

3. Our history defending our country and other Commonwealth countries. I love when I hear our neighbors to the south say that WW2 was from  1941-1945. Actually bitch, it was 1939 until 1945. We joined the party 2 years prior to Pearl Harbour. I have nothing but respect for people who have served past and present. 

4. Canadian rock. Bryan Adams, Nickleback, Gordon Lightfoot (Sundown - all time favourite), Hedley, Streetheart (RIP Kenny Shields), Trooper, Our Lady Peace, Tragically Hip (Richard Goudie that ones for you), Tom Cochrane, Alanis Morisette .....the list goes on.

5. Terry Fox. I think the older I get the prouder I become of him. I'm amazed by his dedication, perseverance and courage. 

Okay now a couple things that unimpress me:

1. Our political correctness. Have the balls to say no, this is bullshit. Quit worrying about everyone's feelings. Put on your big girl panties Canada and tell people to fuck off. Or sit down and let me do it

2. Socialism. Seriously, is this a fad? Like getting a Jack Russell? Or a hybrid car? I seriously cannot wrap my head around socialism. 

3. Karla Homolka. Need I say more? That sick, twisted bitch walks free?! And has children?! Canada?! What went wrong!

4. Tim Hortons. I'm sorry, this will offend many but I really don't care for the coffee. And every time there is a Roll Up The Rim to Win contest the garbage is ridiculous.

5. We built a UFO landing pad and to my knowledge there has not been any landings?! Do they not know we are Canadian and we are the friendliest fucking people in the world? My only explanation is that they too must not care for Timmy's coffee......

July 18

First of all I would like to wish Canada a Happy 150th Birthday. You are a sexy bitch and you wear your age well. You can acknowledge some wonderful moments - Passchendaele, Vimy Ridge, CN railroad, Tim Hortons. You've also had some misses - residential schools, internment camps, Robert Pickton, $10.5 Million to Omar Khdar. But hey, we all learn from our mistakes, right? 

My current complaint is inviting everyone to our birthday party. No one likes drunk Uncle Steve or our second cousin Lucy that has tattoos and nose piercings. I also do not like the assholes in our national parks. If you are stupid enough to walk up to a grizzly with your 5 year old for a photo opportunity then that qualifies as natural selection. The world is a better place without you. And drivers. My. God. The. Drivers. Awful. I have considerable road rage at the best of time (Sylvan Lake drivers you know you're the worst. You fuckers all race up to those lights on Highway 11, passing all other drivers AND THEN TURN OFF!) 

But driving on Highway 93 is a test of patience, perseverance and whatever the hell else I do not possess. People pulling out into on-coming traffic, turning without signaling, slamming on the brakes to take a picture of a God damn crow, and my favourite....driving 60km/hr in a rented RV that you have no business driving. 

This week I had the joy of driving 93. I absolutely love the drive, we do it 10 or 15 times a year. Breathtakingly beautiful. Proud to be Canadian. We stopped at the overflow camping area at Lake Louise for a quick lunch on our way to enjoy beautiful British Columbia (which, unfortunately, just wandered back to the NDP side of government) anyway, we pulled into the parking lot and it was a mad house. They had parking attendants directing traffic. This was a shock to us because usually it's us and the odd car stopped for a bathroom break and 125 photo-worthy crows. 

So this fucker directs Darren and Jen to the desolate back 40 of the campground. I'm next and I quickly explain that I'm with the motor home, he quickly requests that I, "stop talking". I smile (but I'm thinking that I will later track him down and burn down his house) he tells me to go back and park by other trailers. Again, I smile and say thank you. I go back and park the trailer by Darren and Jen's, he runs his ass over there and gives me shit and tells me to park 50 feet away. Again I smile and say absolutely...you miserable fucker. I park and walk over to D&J's with chairs, dogs, bacon and beer. We enjoy a breakfast BBQ and then he comes over AGAIN to tell us our hour is up and he needs our parking spots. The parking lot has roughly 150 open spots but ours are so glorious and coveted that he needs ours. I swear to God I was going to have a throw down. I'm fairly certain that there is no hour limit on overflow parking, nor is there designated parking, nor do I give a flying fuck that he needs 150 spots for foreigners to take pictures of Lake Louise!! 

So, Canada, I know that 150 is a banner year but next year when we celebrate 151 can we have a quiet ceremony? Maybe a backyard BBQ? Invite only close friends? Smokies and cold beer? I look forward to the invite - yours truly, Stacy.