Anyway that was not going to be my discussion, it was the degree of Santa-ness I used to display. I loved the magic of Santa. I remember growing up when I was on the verge of no longer believing (on a side note, this is the only reason I would ever home school. My kids would believe in Santa and the Easter bunny until they were 20 if I had my way! Not the Tooth Fairy, she was a lazy bitch at my house. I think she still owes Dekker money)...anyway, I was on the verge of no longer believing and we had neighbor kids who told me that Santa wasn’t real! And where did they receive this nugget of information? THEIR OWN MOTHER! She said she did not think it was right to “lie” to her children! Okay, we will return to that statement in a minute! My first thought when this woman told me this was, “Seriously bitch, you just ruined my childhood!” And secondly, “My mom is going to punch you in the face when she finds out you told me this!” To be truthful, although those thoughts did run through my mind they were a much more PG version. Believe it or not I was the quietest, shyest, most introverted child you ever met. I think this Santa “truth” moment may have been a pivotal moment that awoke my inner demon and made me become the person I am today. (Also on a side note - this family was extremely religious and slightly masochistic. They had 3 children -2 girls, 1 boy and if either of the girls didn’t have their bibles beside their bed their father would spank them. Serious spanking. Like 2017 go to jail spankings. But the boy could pretty much do anything consequence free. This discussion is for another day but it also sealed the deal that I did not believe in religion.....or the bible.......)
Back to not lying to your children. Now that I am a parent I know the truth. The very foundation of parenting is built on lies, threats and negotiations. I would tell my kids if they went near the creek without Ryan or I there would be dinosaurs that would eat them (Jurassic Park was a pretty large influence at the time). Guess what, they never went near the Creek. I lied to Darian for 5 years about lasagna- she hated lasagna but she loved “meat and cheese casserole” which was lasagna. She was pissed when she figured that one out. I lied to them tonight when I promised them that I wouldn’t vacuum tomorrow morning - I’m totally vacuuming tomorrow morning.
I remember one year I was up at the crack of dawn to put in a 30 pound turkey in the oven. Being 30 pounds it had to cook for about 14 hours! Darian got up to have a pee. She was 3 years old and it was late enough in the morning that she would have been awake for the day and I had not yet put out Santa gifts or stuffed the stockings. I felt fear like I had not yet experienced in my lifetime! I quickly stopped, dropped and rolled. I am sure that the Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden were not as stealthy as I was that morning. She crawled back into bed, I sighed a sigh of relief and learned a valuable lesson- I need to slip the kids NyQuil on Christmas Eve.....just kidding. I stuffed stockings the night before after that.
Now Santa’s gifts often have the price tags still on, sometimes there is a photo of the gift because Santa forgot to deliver it (aka it has not yet arrived at the post office), sometimes Darian buys Dekker’s for me because she lives in the city.....and every year I vow this is the last stocking year! They are 25 and 22 damn it. Even if I home schooled I would have told them the truth by now! Anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you had a wonderful day with family and friends. We had a terrific day and I only lied to my kids 3 times today - I will let you sleep in, the Presecco is cold and it is only -15 outside. The vacuuming is tomorrow’s lie.
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