September 1 - WFT - seriously September?!

I recently had to swear on the Bible that I would tell – “the whole truth, nothing but the truth so help me God’.  Now I struggled with the entire concept. For many reasons:

·         I find the Bible as reliable/realistic/truthful as Wikipedia. I have issue with a book written, rewritten, edited and otherwise altered over the last few hundred years by men with their own social, political and sexist views.

·         My memory is sketchy at best. Last Tuesday is fairly fuzzy for me. Dates are subjective (incidentally so are years!) to me. I usually remember my weight and my hair colour/style at the time not the date.

·         Lawyers are pompous asses that are far more motivated by their financial greed than the fight for the greater good. Ryan and I would never divorce and fight over the kids – it would be a coin toss – heads they’re yours and tails they’re mine. Totally on a side note – the court visit had NOTHING to do with divorce.

·         The entire judicial system should be sped up. Honestly, if I was the judge,  in 99% of these cases it would not take me long to get through this shit. You have 45 minutes TOPS to plead your case. I’ll give you a pretty quick verdict. I’m a mom – I know when someone is full of shit.

·         Less financial penalties and more community service. But serious community service. Like cleaning ditches and planting trees and helping others. Serious manual labour. I can supervise as well. I will have lots of time because I will be speeding through the court cases in the morning and busting their asses in the afternoon.  

So, if I am every called as a witness (and please tell me you also sing, “Can I get a Witness” by Marvin Gaye anytime you hear that statement) again I think when I am asked to swear on the Bible I am going to ask to pinkie swear everyone I the courtroom (pinkie swears are unbreakable and completely upheld in the court of Stacy). I will tell them that I promise to tell you as much as I remember and whether or not I was wearing size 8 jeans or 14 and if I liked my hairdo at the time. Boom! Next case…..