Jen and I recently went on our Annual Christmas Shopping Trip. A quest if you will. It involves copious amounts of shopping, usually some personal shoe shopping, a long lunch where you celebrate with a glass of white, more shopping, back to the room and then a nice night out for supper (usually with Darian).
This year was no exception (I will attach a photo of my fabulous boots). I have to give a shout out to Nine West. I love you ladies. I think they are the nicest in the mall. I did wear comfortable footwear while shopping but by day two I did shop in my slippers. Honestly. They are UGG slippers so I choose to believe I was fashionable and comfortable.
I think Christmas shopping is like boot camp. You walk 10 miles carrying 15 pounds of shopping in a mall that has an average temperature of 42 desgrees (honestly Chinook mall - everyone in that mall was suffering from hot flashes) and you have to fight slow walkers, moms with strollers, skinny bitches in Aritzia and over zealous shop attendants. (I bought a pestle and mortar and the woman who sold it to me said it was “authentic” - she knows, she lived in Mexico for 12 years - she told me 12 times in case I hadn’t heard her the first 11 times. She then asked me if I wanted and avocado scoop. I said no, it’s not authentic Mexican. I only buy authentic Mexican items - like pestle and mortars, somberos and prescription Prozac.) I hate it when they try to up sell me. Seriously. I am the worlds largest impulse shopper. I do not need a avacado scoop. I actually didn’t know they existed but it would sit in my drawer beside my garlic press, lemon rind grater, cheese knives, melon ball scoop and apple corer. Needless to say my cork screw, bottle opener, spaghetti scoop and potato masher get a lot of use.
The other useless kitchen item I own is a weigh scale. Once, one fucking time, I thought I would weigh my food before eating it. I had some stupid bitch in a store look at the size of my ass and suggest a food scale. Impulsively, I bought it. Does anyone want it? It weighs ice cream, popcorn, both red and white wine and French fries.
I actually need to address skinny sales people. When I walk into a clothing store I want help from the heaviest person working there to help me. That bitch will be the honest one. I want to ask, “Do I look good in this.” And hear her laughing as she is opening a bottle of wine saying, “Fuck no”. Never mind, that is why I have Jen.
I once was shopping in a store that I had no business even thinking about shopping in, it was Push in Chinook. It is no longer there and I hope I had some influence on that. I picked out a dress to try on (again, no business trying it on) and merrily skipped off to the dressing room. I got it on okay - imagine a dress 2 sizes too small squeezed over all of my lovely curves. It was hideous. Even I had to laugh. I thought about taking a picture to later show it to my food scale to show how badly we were failing at food measurement. This was not the issue....taking it off was. I tried to take it off inside out over my head. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. I was trapped inside a $210 dress that became a straitjacket. It was covering my face and I had my hands pinned over my head. I started laughing hysterically. I swear to God, I was in there for 45 minutes slowly wiggling my way out. All the while having a 95 pound, 21 year old nimble, 22 inch waist, 5”2’ sales girl asking, “How are you doing in there?” I learned 2 things that day - NEVER TRY ANYTHING ON, buy it there and live with the consequences. And the second - NO SKINNY SALES GIRLS. I’m going to start shopping with my food scale - if a sales girls weight is measurable on that fucking scale and/or she has lived in Mexico then I am going to yell - NEXT!
Anyway, have to go to work. I promise I will blog more in December. Obviously I have a lot on my mind and this is the cheapest therapy imaginable and also, despite the above comment, I do not take Prozac.
No comments:
Post a Comment