September 29

Okay, firstly, Happy Anniversary to my mom and dad. 46 years....we'll sort of. Love you mom 😘😘😘

Today was a really slow day so I'm going to make so shit up. Well except this.....

                            

Yep, I can't make that up. That is Fuzz wearing Jen's pyjama bottoms. He also requested a gender neutral bathroom so I'm not sure what that's all about. He is getting sick. This was him at the beginning of the holiday and the end: 

   

                               

I think we've been hard on him. I, personally think he doesn't have enough body fat.

We did have a great lunch - do you see a pattern forming? We love our meals. Anyway stopped for a lunch and one of the drinks was a "Small Town Dirty Girl". Brian pointed out another waitress and asked if she was the dirty, small town girl? I'm not sure how it was received.....

Anyway, quiet night, but the countdown is on to our trip home....

September 28

So.... this happened today....

              .j     

Yep, almost had to put a mustang down. Broken leg. Left Rexburg at a healthy pace when Brian radioed that he had a low tire. By the time we got stopped it was flat. Farren Williams - we joked that we just needed to wait a few minutes for you to show up (Farren has a crazy 6th sense that kicks in when someone is broken down or stuck in the bush). But alas, no Farren. So 2 1/2 hours later the tow truck driver showed up. 

Now I'm never one to leave a man in the field - especially Brian (you too Kim) but seriously- next stop is Lolo. Lolo is in my top 10 favourite places. We had a guilty conscience for 12, maybe 14 miles. Just kidding, we really struggled with leaving them. I wanted to take one of their shoes to ensure they would follow (little side story - when we are sitting around the fire when we are camping and someone has to go mix a drink or have a pee I used to make them leave a shoe to ensure they would come back. I have since discovered that if someone is sneaking off to bed they are more than happy to give me a shoe and go to bed with one shoe. Apparently sleeping does not require two shoes!) 

Anyway I knew that Brian's LOLO FOMO (fear of missing out in Lolo) would kick in and he would buy a new car if need be. Kim said their tow truck driver, who would like to remain nameless and have his home town also not be named because of his fear of Mormon persecution (gotta love that religion is so welcoming and forgiving 🙄) he kept Kim very entertained. He is very pro-Trump and anti-Mormon. His direct quote was, "The Mormons will brainwash your kids so you better do it first." Now, that is good advise regardless of who influences your children. I did this with my children. They grew up okay - that might be a relative statement. 

We stopped for lunch without the Walisser's 😞 but as you can tell by the photo, they were there in spirit. Also there was the actual rules for the classroom in 1916. 

                            

                            

We tried to count how many lashes we would get but the math became too difficult.

Anyway, finally made it to Lolo at 8:00. Checked in (had to ensure she remembered us - she did. Enough so that she moved everyone away from us), Had a martini (naturally, it is Thursday), had a hot tub (made a new friend - Oregon) and then headed to the bar to hopefully see Jesus again (we almost feel like we are regulars) and....THE BAR WAS CLOSED!! The waitress was moping the floor, the chairs were all up on the tables. I had a panic attack. Jen and I had our faces pressed against the glass, tears rolling down our faces. The cook was outside having a smoke and he said he would ask her if she would let us in. We waited, and waited and 15 long minutes later an angel opened the door and said she would serve us ONE drink.....

Two and a half hours later and Brian and Kim showed up and we were on our 6th double and had Oregon and Chicken Lady (the lady that checked us in but when you're drunk "Check in Lady" becomes "Chicken Lady") and both waitresses drinking shots with us. Both ladies came back to our room (sounds much more provocative then it was) and played poker. Kim and I shut it down about 4:00 am. Little tired today. 

Wanda and Vanessa you were really great thank you. And Wanda, thank you for remembering us from 2014 and 2016 and I'm sure you'll remember 2017! 😘

September 27

Checked into the hotel and we were told that Happy Hour was from 5:30 until 7:00. Happy Hour in Wyoming means free! Set the tone for the evening so the morning of the 27th was a little slow.....

Peter and Brenda O'Toole are doing their own road trip of more western states and are now on their way home and met us in Rock Springs. I'm sure they are regretting their decision to follow us home. We 6 are pretty hard to keep up with (literally and figuratively!)

Stopped and did some shopping in some town that I honestly don't remember the name of. Then had a great pub lunch and had the best corn chicken chowder. It had crispy bacon in it. I would sell my soul to the devil for a big bowl of it with a side of blue cheese fries. 

Anyway on to Jackson. Such a great drive. I wish I had a dollar for every time Ryan passed a vehicle (or 10 at once - true story) and the speedometer was over 100 MILES AN HOUR. Hasn't really scared me yet, but I have had to remind him a time or two that there is no checkered flag at the end of the road trip. 

Made it to Jackson and what a cool little town. Went for a beer at The Million Dollar Bar - we asked for the history. The bar was built in 1912 and burnt down n 1972. When they rebuilt it .......it cost a million dollars to rebuild. I was very disappointed. I was waiting for - they found a million dollars in gold under the floorboards or an old timer sruck it rich and built he bar. Nope, just a million to rebuild it ( sounds like a bad contractor that mismanaged the build but I didn't say that - just kept drinking my $14 beer). Actually, I think that's why it's the Million Dollar Bar - they make a million a month charging their exorbitant prices! 

Had a great supper and honestly went to bed. I know boring. It's hard keeping up my lifestyle and weight. Sometimes you need to choose....

Also hung out with these sexy beasts....

September 26

It's hard to sleep in when your in a tent....surrounded by 20 other tents....and have to pee. 

Packing these cars is a skill that few have mastered but these boys are experts. In a previous life they packed groceries at Costco. Ryan gets exasperated (nice word for pissed off) every time I buy stuff. It requires a totally new packing sequence. I try to remember that when I pack at home but I always pack too much. I should do outfit changes when we stop for lunch. I'm not sure if that will help with Ryan's level of frustration. 

We decided that we are going to start our own travelling food show - instead of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives our is going to be Bars, Breweries and Brothels or Wings, Whiskey and Women. Not sure, still working out the details. Another thing I'm growing fond of is burgers that are pink in the middle. I'm a big girl, I could survive salmonella....16 times. 

Anyway, leaving Utah (speed limit is 80 m/hr - they even encourage you to leave) to Colorado - my new almost favourite state. Colorado, you sexy bitch....oh...wait a minute.....

Stopped for lunch at Gramma's Kitchen. Now I've told you when you walk into a bathroom and all posters warn you of human trafficking you get the hell outta Dodge right? Well when you walk into a restaurant and there is an open Bible on the counter the same goes....get the hell out. No booze and none allowed in. WTF Colorado?! Starting to act like Utah....just sayin'. We were sitting at the table pondering over the map when some locals (dressed head to toe in camo) asked for clarification where we were going. Then they immediately asked if the cars outside were ours. Never a good sign. They gave us "better" directions. 22 miles of gravel. So Colorado just let me do some quick math 5x8+10+22=72 miles of gravel!! We literally were on a back road in the middle of no where and when we crossed state line pavement started. Colorado take a seat. Wyoming you're in. 

Wyoming, beautiful snow covered mountains and drilling rigs. You're in! Made it to Rock Springs. 

                        

September 25

Woke up early and enjoyed a cup of coffee in front of the tents with everyone (except Kim, who tried (unsuccessfully) to sleep in) before we got ready for our airplane tour over The Needles, Confluence of the Colorado and Green Rivers and many very cool formations. Completely different perspective seeing it from the air. Intimidating to realize how easy you could get lost in the hundreds of valleys. Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid hid out here after they would rob a bank or train. There was one area that was named after a hermit who lived back there for 30 years.  Brian  said he wasn't a hermit, he was lost out there for 30 years. Very beautiful. I take it back Utah - you are the second last kid to get picked for dodgeball.

Then went into Moab for lunch and some shopping. We had the best appetizer ever. French fries with crumbled blue cheese, melted cheddar cheese and buffalo sauce with sour cream to dip them in. Why in the name of God have I never made this before? All of my favourite foods together. Maybe with crumbled bacon on top. Oh my God, I would sell my soul to the devil for a large plate right now. 

Us girls donated some money to the Moab retail economy and then caught up with the boys....Brian and Fuzz were sleeping with the homeless people while Ryan sat on a bench and watched over them. It was very romantic. 

Then we drove through Arches National Park and it was amazing.....for the first mile....then I felt a little like Clark Grizwold at the Grand Canyon....done. First, I hate tourists (we consider ourselves travellers not tourists- there is a huge difference) and secondly I hate tourists in vehicles. The only way I'll go back to Yellowstone is if there is absolutely no one else there - like post apocalypse. And ditto for the Arches. 

Another trip to the liquor store, picked up pizzas and then back to the tents. There is a group fire and in true Rocky Shit Show style (the title of our travelling band) we arrive and take over the show. Greet everyone like we own the place and start telling the our life story, laugh at their accents, try not to say "shit" or "fuck" in front of the kids, mention that we BBQ crying babies and it usually clears out pretty fast. Anyway Fuzz was loading the fire up with wood when one of the attendants came up and asked if he kicked the wood pile before he grabbed wood? Why? TO SCARE THE BLACK WIDOWS, BROWN RECLUSES, SCORPIONS AND SNAKES! Please remind me when it's forty below at home and I've plowed snow three times that week and I'm bringing in firewood that I don't need to worry about losing my fucking life to some god awful creature! ( on a side note - why does my iPad still not recognize the word "fuck"? I thought it would know me by now). 

The fire also had complimentary s'more making ingredients (by the way - we also criticize others s'more making techniques - we're making friends everywhere....) so we made s'mores (and had to stop Walisser from stealing all chocolate bars) and this same attendant that warned us about our impending doom (he was a Mexican that had summer teeth - some are here, some are there - who looked homeless) was also lecturing us on other stuff (I stopped listening) when Fuzz leaned over and whispered, "He's just here to steal the s'more stuff, he doesn't work here, I recognize him from my nap this afternoon." 

We all laughed.....and the Mexican left....with the s'more stuff.....and Fuzz's phone number......

September 24

When we planned this trip Brian and I had 2 Mystery Nights that we really hyped up. Jen said, "That's fine, as long as it's not a tent in the fucking desert." We had the big reveal.....and...IT WAS A FUCKING TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT!! Canvas tents with king sized beds and a wood stove. Sounds relaxing- quaint and unique - glamping at its best. Reality - a lot of highway traffic you could hear, scorpions, spiders and geckos. You could hear someone farting in nearby tents (no names mentioned). Outhouses and no power but the sunrises over the the Moab Mountains was pretty amazing and well worth the discomfort. 

We did arrive in Utah on a Sunday and quickly realized we broke our first two Road Trip Rules:

1. Never, under any circumstances, pass through Utah on a Sunday. 
2. Please see Rule #1. 

Everyone in this state is in church on a Sunday. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. If Canada wanted to invade on a Sunday we could totally take this state. Probably wouldn't even need the military. Just kidding, we don't want this state. We have Drumheller. We did ask the Americans that we sat with at the fire at night if we could have Alaska. We would do a straight trade for Quebec. And for good measure Trudeau as well. Unfortunately they seem attached to Alaska so we just let them have Trudeau to show there was no hurt feelings. 

Utah, I think you may be the equivalent to the last kid picked for dodgeball. 

 

(Backup) September 23 (we think...)

Today was a very quiet day. The boys went into Durango.....shopping. Yes, you read that right. Us girls stayed home and had a quiet day - cards, hot tub and mimosas and the boys went shopping. 

We enjoyed a two hour hot tub until there was a huge bolt of lightening and booming thunder. I think Jesus is mad at Kim.... Needless to say we evacuated the tub quickly to play poker. Jen was suffering today with altitude/hangover sickness. Last night when we were playing poker we made a rule - first jack played does a shot. Who knew Jen would play that many jacks?!?! I think she likes Fireball/Cinnamon Tequila/Root Beer Schnapps!

The boys were at the Can-Am/Polaris dealership (if you ask Brian it was a Polaris/Can-Am dealership). Darren spent $$$$. It was the girl equivalent of buying shoes. The boys all drove in the Camaro- with Baby Fuzzy in the back. 

Brian The Breakfast Maker made us another wonderful breakfast. He is so good at it! Monsieur you have a sous chef! 

We had a girl group discussion and we think the boys are spending too much time together! 

September 22

What a day! Some people sky dive. Some people bungy jump. Some people vote for the NDP.  We drive the Million Dollar Highway between Durango and Telluride. If you have done this drive before then hats off. We are going make a club. We're all getting matching tattoos. Jack and Jill went up the most treacherous fucking hill that the Lord Jesus ever made and Jill screamed and bitched while Jack told her to shut the fuck up - isn't that how the poem goes? Pass altitude was 11,000 feet. I'm sorry but suddenly my life revolves around altitude. 

It was the biggest extremes of my life. The most beautiful drive of my life and yet the closest I've come to death. No guard rails and at least a 300 foot drop to our deaths. At supper the boys did a reenactment of the possible ways we could have died using mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise bottles. I don't think I'll ever use ketchup again. You know it's bad when the boys were driving the speed limit (btw....Ryan passed 10 vehicles doing 110 mph yesterday) and they are holding the steering wheel at 10 and 2. I honestly feel like I cheated death. Wine tastes better and the air smells sweeter.

In the spirit of the Old West we are going to go by new names. Some of the "Working Girls" names in Cripple Creek back in the day were: Dirty Neck Nell, Dizzy Daisy, Bilious Bessie, Slippery Sadie, Greasy Gertie and Victor Pig. So keep your expectations low. Jen is Jalopy Jen. Kim is Krusty Cagin' Kim and I am Sluicy Stacy. I think we would have been popular. Except we fight a lot. And we would be playing poker instead of entertaining. And we get a lot of headaches. So we'd be sub-par working girls. We would be the madams. Rich. 

The boys are gun fighters. Darren is Derringer. Brian is Two Knuckles Kid. And Ryan - he is an Indian - so he is Chief Many Tongues. Because he talks in 652 different accents. They are really bad gun fighters. They are also bad drinkers and bad poker players. Day 9 done, +/- 10,000 feet, 10 bottles of red, 3 bottles of carolinas, 2 bottles of Kahula, 1 bottle of Grey Goose and 9 cases of beer, 9 bottles of Prosecco, $300 US lost in poker games, 2 car washes and 34,873 pieces of mouse poop. 

On to Day 10.....

                        

September 19, 20 AND 21

It's hard to have a full time job on holidays. I'd even have to give myself a talking to but please understand we're all suffering with a terrible condition - altitude sickness (I thought it was a hangover because it's the same symptoms). I thought I would be immune to altitude sickness, similar to my belief that I would not suffer from sea sickness. 8 minutes on the ocean and I am throwing up violently. Anyway, back to altitude sickness - we are at 9,500 feet and I'm pretty sure only astronauts and mountain goats live at this height. So this is the tips that they gave us:

• Stay hydrated - drink twice as much as you normally consume. I'm pretty sure that doesn't include the amount of alcohol we have been consuming.
• Limit your intake of alcohol. Not sure what this means.
• First sign of a headache take ibuprofen. This lead to my confusion- hangover? Altitude?
• Avoid overexerting yourself. Okay! 
• Symptoms include headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping and dizziness. This lead to my confusion- hangover? Altitude?
• Seek treatment if symptoms continue. WE NEVER USE THE "T" WORD!!

September 19 - toured Cripple Creek. You cannot say Cripple Creek without singing "Up On Cripple Creek 🎶" We took a train ride and got a little history of the gold rush. Pretty cool stories. Their red light district was interesting- you needed a copy of your bank statement and 2 letters of reference before you could be "entertained". Those girls had a plan! Jen, Kim and I had a party that night. My wine glass was always filled to the rim and it was me filling it. I lost brain/hand communication for the night. Anyway, we shut 'era down at 2:00. 

September 20 - 🤒. Little slow in the morning. Headed to Cave of the Winds and then took the tram to Pike's Peak. Why wouldn't we?! Let's go to 14,115 feet because 9,500 feet is for pussies! It was cold and windy. They have the race on the Pike's Peak highway every year and there is literally a hair pin turn that a French race car driver took at 80 miles an hour - I think Ryan took it as a challenge. He (the French man, not Ryan) made it up the hill in 8 minutes- 150 hairpin turns in 8 minutes. Fucking Frenchmen! Anyway - on the tram trip down everyone passed out except Ryan (he has photos). We went down to Manitou for a beer and wings and we sat beside these people who asked if we were from Canada....we were impressed and said "YES! How did you know that?!" He said because we look different! Different? Then the guy wash bitten by a squirrel- twice (I seriously cannot make this shit up!) so we were fairly comfortable with looking different. 

September 21 - up and out of the house. Headed to Durango. What a great drive. Honestly, probably our prettiest drive from all drives. The Cascades in Washington are a pretty close second. Looked for a car wash in every little town we drove through. Thought we found one in Center but it was a dud. It was last used in 1982. Ryan went into the gas station and asked if there was another car wash in town (this town was comparable to Leslieville) and the gas station attendant said, "I don't know" - a high IQ is not a prerequisite for the job.... Also, we had a pee in the bathroom that had a sign that said - Stop Human Trafficking. Okay. If you are in a questionable little town where they are warnings about human trafficking then you get the fuck out of town. Quickly. Got to the house and WOW! Best house we've ever stayed at. 

Just a side note- we're all sitting having coffee trying to remember the last three days and this is Jen's response- Tuesday we had sausages with white gravy, Wednesday we had meatloaf and Thursday we had pizza. Why is this girl not 200 pounds! 

Jen and I have also discovered that we like dark beer. We are adding to our repertoire of drinks.....

                                         

                        

September 17 and 18

Okay, I'm sure everyone understands after seeing the 16th video that the 17th was an almost A.F.D. (Alcohol Free Day)....almost. We had a wonderful day - visited The Crazy Horse monument (unbelievable) and then Mount Rushmore (which would have been impressive had we not just seen Crazy Horse).

I can't believe that in the U.S. That someone can say, "Let's carve a face in that mountain" - in Canada you would be strung up and quartered (please see my mid-July rant about the mother fucker that would not let me park at the Lake Louise overflow). These crazy Americans. They also call Indians - Indians. Not First Nations or Indigenous or what ever we call them. Seriously? If I was an Indian then I'm an Indian. I'm white - not Light Skinned or Of European Descent. Totally on a side note - I'm dying to do the Ancestry.com DNA test. I swear to God if I'm at all Indian I'm going have people identify me as such. But what if I was French - shit. I would lie to you all. Also - no garbage in the ditches. Nice. And they all love Trump. 

Sorry, I got distracted. We had a late supper then home for a quick game of cards and then bed because we had to be up and out of the house by 7:30 - big day of driving.

Out of the house by 7:32. This is again why we have to limit the party. The six of us are a well oiled machine. Such a long day. Before I go on I have to acknowledge the beauty of the Black Hills. Breathe taking. Seriously, you have to see it. Loved the drive. Wyoming too is pretty impressive but I think the Black Hills of South Dakota are hard to compete with. (Don't worry Oregon- you are still my favourite state). Then Colorado- glad to see the Rockies again but I have composed a short letter to Denver.....

Dear Denver,

I hope I never see you again.

Yours truly,

Stacy Ingham

Wow, just wow. I will NEVER again complain about Deerfoot in rush hour. I will giggle and wave at fellow drivers. Blowing kisses and waving at everyone. Slowing down to let drivers in front of me. God Calgary I love everyone of you frustrated rush hour commuters. You're adorable. Denver, you sick, twisted Motherfuckers should  ever be allowed behind the wheel. An hour and a half of death defying driving. I would rather go through labour, have a root canal and exercise for 20 minutes all in the same day - rather than go through Denver again. 

Then we had to go to our house. I would like to record the drive because describing it would not do it justice. Imagine driving up Baseline Mountain - Old Baseline, not New Baseline - in a Camaro (that your husband may or may not love more than you) that has no clearance in the dark for 5 miles! Honestly, the road is a trail, there is a mere suggestion of a road. But we're excited about waking up to what we think is going to be an amazing view (we are 8,500+ feet high). 

 No pictures until we get to better cell service. 

September 16

Well what a day - we had a slow start to the day. Brian Walisser cooked bacon, bacon and more bacon. Needless to say he is our hero. Except Fuzz pointed out that he was wearing his super hero cape backwards.

                                                 

Kim was lucky enough to draw a room on the main floor - so she is forced to get up early. You're welcome Kim. Also, on a side note - she is drinking double rum and coke when we go out. We unleashed the beast.

Then we headed into Deadwood. What a cool little town. Very impressive. I did hear a woman saying,"I'm so glad they put stores downtown. It was all bars and casinos before" - I throat punched her. Twice. We had a game of Screw Your Neighbor at the bar that Wild Bill was killed in. Also a great idea - they have cards on all of the bar tables. I won. Unfortunately, I spotted everyone the cash so I just won my own money back. 🤔

Did some shopping and then had a lovely supper. We have started walking into bars, restaurants, stores, pretty much any room and apologizing to everyone there. We made friends with a couple that were celebrating their 3 year anniversary and I think she maybe now following our blog - Hi Dianne! (I'm not sure if that was her name but she looks like a Dianne or maybe Linda. Definitely not a Susan)

Then on to Them Vibes and Cheap Trick. It was great - very nice people and guess what!? NO RAIN!! 

                          

                             
      

                                                  

So if we're patient enough to read to the end you are in for a treat. We came home and the party continued- cards, shots, singing and then.....Ryan performing...  it's worth watching the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKF_qZdHnDU&feature=share

September 15

Listen, I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was trying to solve a riddle - Where the fuck are the falls in Great Falls? Seriously, I've never seen these "Great Falls" that they seem to be falsely advertising. I understand Niagara Falls boasting about their falls - they are impressive, but never have I seen a calendar showing the wonderous Great Falls of Great Fall, Montana. Maybe it's like calling the frozen, empty ice block Greenland - maybe it's for the irony of the name. Touché Great Falls, you take this round. This is a topic that me and my friend, Siri will investigate further.....

I first should introduce my merry band of travelling partners to all who do not know us:

Kim - she is very funny and recently able to drink as much red wine as Jen and I (like the Olympics it takes a lot of practice - good job Kim 👏🏼). Kim will correct our pronunciation of the various little towns we drive through - I just mumble the names. She's a rockstar. She is also the keeper of our money, virtue and integrity- her hands are full. But seriously on a side note - if you're going to roll any of us she's your girl. She is usually packing a fair bit of cash. 

Brian - (aka the Third Vagina from the famous 3V's) He is our communications guy that usually communicates in giggles and eye rolls. He likes his martinis dirty and is also enjoying a semi-low carb lifestyle. He likes piña coladas and getting drunk in the rain.....shit. He is my brother from another mother...and also another father.

Darren - oh Darren. How do you describe Darren? He is the grumpiest, cheapest little fucker you'll ever meet. But he is also one of the nicest people I've ever met. He started out yesterday by telling all of us on the radio that, "This is my favourite time of the year. Roads trip with my best friends." Now, slow down buddy - let's take this one day at a time. 💜

Jen - she has the best hair you will ever see. I know that doesn't seem like it warrants acknowledgement but when you stand by her in photos ALL THE TIME you will understand my frustration. She laughs at all my jokes and usually (honestly) finishes my sentences. Kim says about Jen and I - 2 heads, one brain. I think she means 2 heads, one Brian but she doesn't always pronounce everything correctly....

Ryan - God bless you. He is so patient (not really), understanding (ummm.....) and loving. He has his new car and he is like a kid at Christmas- I'm not sure he knows I'm in the car. He delegated me 2 jobs - play good road trip songs (yesterday we listened to Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen 12 times - not sure what is up with my IPod- but the 12th time I insisted we listen to it for hidden messages- I think Jesus might have been trying to tell us something) and 2nd job - pull the e-brake when we park. I think he likes to give me some responsibility. 

Me: Skinny, witty, sassy, smart, ummm, I think that's it. Oh and not demanding or annoying. That's it. Oh, and responsible.

So left Not That Great Falls in the pouring rain. Pouring. Rain. Jen wasn't sure if she could do the drive. Seriously,   I bought you Mala beads for this shit. And no drinks this morning. No. Drinks. What. The. Fuck. 

Did a tour through Custer's Last Stand. Depressing, and still raining. So more depressing. Lots of white people died, few Indians, but...spoiler alert - it still didn't turn out well for them.

Saw a sign that said - Road Construction Ahead. No big deal, summer, there is always road construction. But this....this was road rehabilitation. Maybe road creation. Attached is a video of Ryan 4x4-ing with his new car. Attached NOT a video of him swearing inside the car. You're welcome. 

https://youtu.be/5KQ4NM-mrWs (video provided by Brian Walisser of Oras Communications)

                                               

I know now we can do a road trip to Ram Falls in the car. 

So then on ....still in the rain. Almost snow. Zero degrees. But we stopped for a beer at a sketchy bat with probably the scariest human being I've ever laid eyes on. Ever. And the bar advertised Topless Tuesday - good news - its Friday. I made Brian take a picture of the zombie, I mean, waitress but it isn't a very good picture but he refused to take another one. After he took the picture she turned and looked into his soul and he was afraid. 

                 

Arrived at the house after 580 miles and 12 hours, a 7 mile 4x4 trip, a visit with a soulless zombie, $800 in booze and food for 2 days, 60,000 gallons of rain and no speeding tickets! Great day! 

               

September 14

So.... the Mitsubishi morphed into a Camaro! Surprise to all Ryan bought an ZL1 Camaro. It has been hidden in our garage for 3 weeks! Most stressful 3 weeks of my life. I was so scared Brian or Darren would discover it before the big reveal! 

Anyway met in Caroline this morning (where all nefarious activities begin!). Showed up in the car and surprised everyone....except Jen.....she didn't know it was our car. God bless, my special friend. Then on to our trip....

Bragg Creek/Prentice Creek - Mother Nature, you saucy bitch - snow. You are the most unpredictable bitch I know, when I think we are getting along and could be life long besties, you throw a curve ball. Snow. Ya, that's right, it's September and I own it and I could make it +30, or -30 or rain or snow or throw in a mother-fucking -tornado, but September is my month and you bow to me!    Okay, point taken. You win. On a side note - so glad Pincher/Watertown saw any moisture. God bless to all who are suffering in Southern Alberta. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

The border crossing went unbelievably well (probably an indicator of how bad our trip north will be). All Ryan and I were asked is if we, "Had any tobacco." Why, no, Mr. Border Crossing Man. No tobacco but 40 Pounds of marijuana and a cut up dead body, but no tobacco. Just kidding - but I did slam my Mimosa pre-border and was feeling no pain at the border. But 'Merica accepted us as one of their own.

We stopped at Brady for beer (super excited we could buy Miller High Life - Champagne of Beers) and had a great time with all of the locals. They love us. We had to hear all of their "Canadian" stories and all of the times they interacted with Canadians. Pretty sure we broke their Canadian Mold. We were pretty much on our best behaviour - like 90%. Maybe 65%. OKAY, FUCK! 38%!!!!!!

Then to Great Falls. Our old friend The Best Western. You did not let us down. Beer and supper and then early night. 

Yes, we all were in bed with Brian... my God, if I had a dollar for every time I've said that.....

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and in the words of Monatians (is that what their called? Montarians, Monatiations? This suddenly became very difficult!)  "The worst drive in Montana", so my hopes are high. I have driven to Smoky Lake, and Lord Jesus it was boring so that is my benchmark, Montana - do not disappoint me! 

September 13

Off on our Fucking Adventure tomorrow......

''Twas the night before the road trip and all through the house

Ryan was yelling "Don't forget your computer and mouse!"

The suitcases were packed and stored by the door 

Anticipating the morn, no snow and foot to the floor

The beer is stored on ice in the cooler

Warm beer - eee gads - there's nothing crueller

Ryan's in the garage and I in the bath

Counting US$ - it's difficult math

I know in the morn there will be such a clatter,

Full tanks of gas is all that will matter

On Brian, on Kim, on Ryan, Darren and Jen

Mimosas for us but none for the men

Ryan will jump in his car - alas - no Camaro

Buck up honey - it isn't an Alero!

Off we will go, smiling and happy....

But have no fear but the end we'll be snappy!

Okay, that's all I've got. Who knew that poem was 90 minutes long!!

September 11

Okay, get ready. Road trip 2017 countdown...3......

Let me first start by acknowledging Jen's Birthday. She is about to reach Level 46 of the Game of Life. I believe that comes with a lifetime supply of merlot, great boobs and a free spin. You go girl ❤️.

Next, although I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm and support of our trip and their expressed interest to accompany us, let me explain. No. I'm sorry but this is just not applicable. Booking houses, restaurants and excursions for more than 6 is near impossible. Nay, nay, truly impossible. This is a trip that requires 110% commitment and $10,000. For real-sesses. It is not for the faint of heart. Not unlike a life-timed plan to the top of Everest (or for the very least Camp1) this is a long, hard road trip that is only enjoyed but the truly, sadistic, motherfuckers that travel hundreds of miles a day that wake up at the crack of dawn to do it again. I refuse to plan for more than 6. Mike drop. Leave the stage. 

So we had our pre-plan meeting/argument/bartering/threatening meeting tonight (and all who know me know"meeting" is not in my vocabulary) about our route. We have decided in stone (or yellow highlighter for Jen and I, green for Brian or blue for Darren and Ryan who cannot stay focused and want to know where Kentucky is). So countdown is on....

September 1 - WFT - seriously September?!

I recently had to swear on the Bible that I would tell – “the whole truth, nothing but the truth so help me God’.  Now I struggled with the entire concept. For many reasons:

·         I find the Bible as reliable/realistic/truthful as Wikipedia. I have issue with a book written, rewritten, edited and otherwise altered over the last few hundred years by men with their own social, political and sexist views.

·         My memory is sketchy at best. Last Tuesday is fairly fuzzy for me. Dates are subjective (incidentally so are years!) to me. I usually remember my weight and my hair colour/style at the time not the date.

·         Lawyers are pompous asses that are far more motivated by their financial greed than the fight for the greater good. Ryan and I would never divorce and fight over the kids – it would be a coin toss – heads they’re yours and tails they’re mine. Totally on a side note – the court visit had NOTHING to do with divorce.

·         The entire judicial system should be sped up. Honestly, if I was the judge,  in 99% of these cases it would not take me long to get through this shit. You have 45 minutes TOPS to plead your case. I’ll give you a pretty quick verdict. I’m a mom – I know when someone is full of shit.

·         Less financial penalties and more community service. But serious community service. Like cleaning ditches and planting trees and helping others. Serious manual labour. I can supervise as well. I will have lots of time because I will be speeding through the court cases in the morning and busting their asses in the afternoon.  

So, if I am every called as a witness (and please tell me you also sing, “Can I get a Witness” by Marvin Gaye anytime you hear that statement) again I think when I am asked to swear on the Bible I am going to ask to pinkie swear everyone I the courtroom (pinkie swears are unbreakable and completely upheld in the court of Stacy). I will tell them that I promise to tell you as much as I remember and whether or not I was wearing size 8 jeans or 14 and if I liked my hairdo at the time. Boom! Next case…..