December 31

Well wrapping up 2019 and all in all it was a pretty good year. Notley is out, Trudeau is still in 🙄, oil prices are moving up, the Oilers have rediscovered hockey and I’m still fat. So some good, some bad.

With 2020 looming I refuse to make any resolutions....or maybe I will make resolutions that are completely attainable. Like setting the bar quite low, embarrassingly low. So my 2020 resolutions are:

1. Gain 10 pounds. Why not? Everything I own is ridiculously tight already. Why not go the extra distance and buy an entirely new wardrobe? At Tent and Awning. Or really commit to mumu’s - I have flirted with the idea but why not own it?

2. Continue swearing like a sailor. I offend fairly easily, but fuck it. No one like a sanctimonious cunt.

3. Continue to judge freely and harshly. My pedestal is fairly shiny and high and I cling to it like a fucking spider monkey.

4. Institute Martini Thursday as a National Holiday.

5. Binge watch multiple searches of real crime shows on Netflix. This sedentary lifestyle will aid in my #1 goal. Really -  win, win.

6. Continue to be the trophy wife that Ryan loves. He is so lucky and I remind him of this daily.

7. Continue to love my friends, even the skinny ones. Even the ones that are poor losers at King’s Cribbage. Even the ones that can’t be trusted at the Mayor’s house because she used toothpicks as weapons. Even the ones that are still busy raising children.

8. Continue to ignore my blog for months on end and still assume people will still read this bullshit.

9. Sing more often, and louder. And to Nana - she learn to appreciate my melodious voice. Michael and the Tambourines are going on the road. I will also continue to sing ALL the wrong words to ALL songs.

10. Break my incredible record for an 8 hour hot tub party. I think we may start today. I’m sure that Darren will be very supportive of our desire to eat chilli smokies in the hot tub. Maybe we can convince him to be our servant  helper/bartender.

Here is to 2020. A healthy, prosperous year to all you motherfuckers! Much love 💗.

October 21

Okay kids, hold onto your seats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride....

I have to list everything I’m grateful for:

1. Democracy. I think we take this for granted. We get to vote, we might not like the outcome, but we all get a vote. 

2. Voter turnout. I was told, by two lovely ladies at my polling station, that voter turnout was 85% - 90%. I am impressed. If you don’t vote then do not get to complain. Get off your asses and vote - every time! When Darian turned 18 she was not excited about going to the bar she was excited because she got to vote. That is a parenting success. She has never missed a vote. Neither has Dekker - except when he was out of the country AND THAT’S NOT AN EXCUSE. He lost points for that one. 

3. Alberta and Saskatchewan are all blue - I’m sorry I refuse to acknowledge the one riding in Edmonton that voted NDP - please, Edmonton- I’m not sure what to say (and that very seldom happens). What the fuck are you thinking? Apparently not much. But to the rest of us - much love, admiration, solidarity and pride. We know what we are up against and we are holding hands and doing it together. God love us. And we will beat the shit out of Edmonton at a later date, behind the gym. Be there or be square.

5. BC - okay kids you did good. You increased your Conservative seats by 7. Good job little buddy but even GTA supported Conservatives more than Vancouver. It’s all about that god damn pipeline for you guys isn’t it. I am also disappointed that Jodie Wilson-Raybould didn’t get elected in her riding. No love for a woman that stood up for herself hey? BC talks the walk but doesn’t always walk the walk. Enjoy your gas prices. 

4. Wexit. Okay, this is going to be all we hear. I am a proud Canadian but I am an even prouder Albertan and damn I think it might be time. 

Conservatives increased their seats by 23 and the Liberals lost 30. That’s the best we could have hoped for. Unfortunately, it means listening to that sanctimonious little shit for another 4 years. Maybe if separatist talk gets serious then the east might start taking us more serious. Worked for Quebec. 

If we leave we take Jodie and Lisa Laflamme. But we leave Edmonton Strathcona. We will fence them in.

Quick update: Dekker just texted me. He tried to vote out of country but he missed the date. I will give him 1 pass. He was literally on a shrimp boat in the ocean for 2 1/2 months. And he looks homeless, actually he is homeless. 

Oct 17

Hey kids! Long time no blog! I just realized my last blog was July. That got me to thinking....why? I’ve never gone this long without an amusing story or thought. The reality is the world is bleak and, mother fucker I am tired of it. I’ve only done two serious posts before (when Tony died - love you baby, and when there was the mass shootings in Vegas at the country concert - fuck you anyone that will shoot people from a distance at people celebrating)

So I’m going to get some shit off my mind and then I swear I will do 50 more happy posts. 

1. This election. I am, obviously, a conservative. But I believe in gay marriage, I absolutely believe in a woman’s right to choose, I completely disagree with any and all types of religion and yet I proudly vote conservative. Firstly, if you love a man or a woman, it is no ones right to tell you that it is wrong. Be happy, treat people well, love and be loved. Abortion - I get it. I understand people disagreeing with it - I respect your decision. But, if you ever are in a position that you make the very serious decision to get an abortion then I support your decision. You never need to explain your decision to me. I understand and do not condemn. I know the decision is not made lightly - you have your reasons and thank God the country also supports your decision. And lastly religion- don’t tell me about your God or your beliefs - I don’t give damn. You can have them - that is your prerogative but don’t spew your shit to me. My beliefs are mine - I believe in God, I do not believe in religion. 

2. Climate change. Okay, have seat because I cannot deal with this World Is Ending Bullshit. I am not disagreeing that the human population has not had an adverse affect (or effect - this is always where I confuse the two. No definitely affect) on the environment but can we talk about this like adults? Climate change activists are part of this cult that happened before our eyes. There is no reasoning with these people. There is no rational discussion. The human population is affecting the world because of the sheer size of our population. Yes we affect it but the means of “controlling” it are where I take offence. A carbon tax. Hmmm.... Are we paying carbon? Does carbon cash our cheque’s and then say, “Okay Canada, you Roots wearing, beer drinking mother fuckers. You did good this year. I’m gonna wave (or waive - Jesus this is hard) your emissions this year” Is that how that works? I’m asking for a friend. I will say this until my dying breathe - Canada produces the cleanest, most environmentally friendly, ethical natural gas in the world. And FUCK YOU ELIZABETH MAY we are not going to be CO2 free by any year unless we have mass genocide. Sorry all you greenies (I am trademarking that term) but that is the truth of it. Yes, we can be responsible human beings and recycle and not litter and turn off lights we are not using but can we approach this topic rationally? We are not ever going to be zero emissions- no country will be. Ever. 

3. Our oil and gas industry. I. Am. Sick. And. Fucking. Tired. Of. Being. Vilified. Screw you Canada if you do not recognize the contribution oil and gas makes to our country. Fuck you Quebec for condemning our industry and then putting your hand out for our equalization payments. And fuck you for wanting to be recognized as an independent province with special rights but yet take our money. And fuck you for having the Bloc Québécois party and wanting to separate. Go. Just fucking go. Take your maple syrup, French speaking province and go. I love Canada but when the election results are decided before votes are counted in Manitoba then we have a serious problem. God bless the oil and gas industry. God bless the men and women that work incredibly long hours in harsh conditions, away from family and friends for weeks, if not months, in an industry that gets little to no credit. This is an industry that is proud, educated, resilient and industrious. We are environmentally friendly, we support our communities, we treasure our county and yet we are forced to defend our jobs to the rest of Canada and give hard earned money to a socialist system that does not recognize or support anything we do. I am not for a separation of Canada but damn it is getting harder to support a country that has so little understanding.

4. Trudeau. Where do I start? He is arrogant. He is spoilt. He is corrupt. He does not understand the average Canadian. He tried to pressure the Attorney General of Canada to save 9000 Quebec jobs. He broke ethics laws - twice?! He embarrassed Canada on his trip to India. He took a holiday on tax payer money to the tune of $200,000. He campaigned using taxpayers money. He gave $10 million dollars to Omar Khadr. He supports reintroducing known ISIS members into Canada. He wore blackface - multiple times. He (allegedly) sexually assaulted a woman. He (definitely) groped a woman. He does not support our veterans. He bought a pipeline he has absolutely no intention of completing. He lies to Canadians everyday AND PEOPLE ARE STILL VOTING FOR HIM!! Gerald Butts hand is so far up his ass directing his movements that it has to hurt when he coughs! He is spouting climate change and flying two Goddamn planes around him for this election - one for him and one for this props! I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS SHIT UP! I need to take a moment to get my blood pressure down....

5. Greta, damn Greta. Go home Greta. Take your momma and your poppa, your Tesla, your anger, your indignation, your ignorance, your opinions, your limited view and go fucking home. I do not understand parents that would parade your child around with your climate change hysteria. Greta go home and enjoy life. This is a wonderful world with amazing places to see and people to meet. This includes Canada. Come and enjoy our country, we have a lot to offer but do not come to our house and tell us what we are doing wrong. We are doing so much right. Acknowledge our successes. Acknowledge our incredible environmental standards. Acknowledge our unbelievable safety regulations. Acknowledge our technological advances with our oil and gas extraction. Acknowledge our gender equality. Anything other than that - go home. 

I need everyone that reads this blog to list 3 things that are good. 3 things they are thankful for. 3 things that make them happy. I am just so exhausted by the bad. My friend Brian (who you all know I love like the sister I never had) has recently quit Facebook because he couldn’t take the negativity and I get it - I also apologize for supporting the negativity with the above post - but it is my form of therapy so please indulge me....

Again, I promise to post a much lighter happier post soon...unless the Liberals win.....😉

July 6

Captain’s Log. Star date 070619. After our late interception with Enterprise Firebird and a lovely supper at a Greek Restaurant we prepare for our return flight. Load the car and head west - in search of privately owned liquor stores, smooth highways and mountains. 

Again a side note: not only are Manitoba and Ontario not radar detector friendly provinces they also have provincially owned liquor stores. I didn’t even know that they still existed. I was transported back to pre-Ralph days when we still had the ALCB, when your choice of liquor was seriously reduced after 6:00. That is some sort  of medieval control. Both bumped down in the list. I think I am currently rating them: Alberta, B.C.(love the province hate the politics), Saskatchewan (I love this crazy province- like Alberta’s tough brother that will beat up other provinces that pick on Alberta- BC take note, Saskatchewan can kick your ass), Newfoundland (any province that gave is Richard gets a free pass), Nova Scotia (Dennis Grandy came from this gem so it has to be a pretty spectacular province), Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut (I recently read Prisoners of the North and I’m a fan), PEI, New Brunswick, Manitoba and Ontario. That’s it. 

Anyway back to our adventure. Darren and Jen have travelled for 3 days and still haven’t left Ontario. So we’re leaving Ontario laughing about their crazy moose signs  and then Jen yelled, “Moose, moose!!” Standing on the very edge of the road was a moose that was considering being a hood ornament for the F350. I thought it would be pretty cool of we drive into Rocky with the car on the trailer and a moose strapped over the hood of the car but I got a hard no from Fuzz. As we carry on the moose on the side of the road are incredible. We saw 6 moose in 100 kilometres. 

The boys are switching driving duties every tank of fuel. Us girls are trying to hold off pee breaks until every refill but it is near impossible. Stopped drinking beer and switch to white wine thinking it would help - it doesn’t. 

Making great time and enjoying the company and then Jen and I decided we should call ahead to Regina to book rooms.....Regina is having some crazy shit going on and is not interested in our patronage. Moose Jaw? No. Okay shit is getting real. I know how Mary and Joesph felt! There was no room at the inn. Desperately changing travel plans to accommodate our absolute need to get the fuck out of the truck and find a comfortable bed. Yorktown? Yes!! Slight northern detour and away we going to Yorktown. Yorktown - the town that is so friendly they have no password for hotel wifi. That’s not the official town slogan but it is a great option. 

Had supper at Brown’s and cheers to breakfast in Ontario, lunch in Manitoba and supper in Saskatchewan. We try really hard to honour Eric Church by celebrating every July Saturday night but we couldn’t. We were exhausted. It was a slight consolidation that if we were still on Ontario time it was midnight when we shut it down. 

July 5

Captain’s Log. Star date 070519. Saskatchewan appears to be far more hospitable than originally anticipated. Unfortunately I forgot it is summer (honest mistake considering Alberta has seen 5,000 mm of rain and 7 minutes of sunshine in June) and I packed no shorts! So I’m sitting in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt in the Enterprise Apollo sweating my ass off (please refer to earlier log about the temperature in the cab). There is actually a/c but Captain is attempting to limit fuel refills to maximize driving time. He was bold enough to declare that, “a good wife would climb out the back window and refill the truck from the slip tank while we are driving” So I am officially admitting I am NOT a good wife. I do see through his thinly veiled attempt to knock me off and get a newer Navigator circa 1980 - 1985. 

While departing Regina during a particularly rough exit we did lose a clearance light from the Ent. Apollo- I can only hope it is not essential for our landing in Thunder Bay. Actually, I also hope it’s the only piece we lose off our chariot. Note to self: purchase duct tape at next fuelling station.

So as the navigator I am attempting solve an equation: If a Firebird leaves Sudbury doing 90 kms/hr and has a headwind of 13 kms/hr and an F350 leaves Regina doing 117 kms/hr with a 20 km/hr tailwind - where will they meet? My Grade 9 thru 12 math is going to pay off! Now I just need to find a triangle and figure out some angles and then trigonometry paid for itself. 

We also had a three legged coyote pass in front of us. WTF?! Saskatchewan has tough coyotes! I have my own coyote story I’ll share in a future blog but suffice it to say I would never chase a coyote in Sorels, in up the bum underwear and a fire poker in February in Saskatchewan . ‘Nuff said. 

So Ryan and I lost our Manitoba virginity together. No Alex. 😒. But I hear that we later may be joined by his cousin Mr. Miller.... One of the first things that confronted us was a large sign stating Radar Detectors Are Illegal In Manitoba. Manitoba is quite bossy. 

We also passed a JimBob truck hauling bridges. I rolled down the window

and gave him a big wave and he read the Apollo sign on the door and gave us a honk. Fuck Rocky is friendly. If anyone knows who he is could you ask him to keep a watch on the highway for clearance lights. (Sorry - a complete side note: I’m typing while we are racing down the highway avoiding semi’s and various farm equipment and I typed “clearance” wrong and my iPad auto corrected to “clearly ailing tsunamis “ so now I need to google tsunami illnesses) 

Nearing hour 12..... still going without calling a divorce lawyer. 

Manitoba roads are atrocious. They are a patchwork of pavement, concrete and NDP dreams. I had to google it - Manitoba has an NDP government *eye roll* that is so March. Didn’t they get the memo? Another reason Manitoba has been shuffled towards the bottom of my provincial hierarchy. They are even behind Ontario (Doug Ford, you crazy bastard, you made the difference for me). Anyway we entered Ontario and suddenly we are inundated with rules:

1. Still illegal to have radar detector so now we are only using our adara etectorda ( for those of you who unfamiliar with pig Latin that’s radar detector) anyway but we are only using it for GPS. But when the “GPS” flashes we do slow down. Unfortunately we are in the Enterprise Apollo not the Millennium Falcon and we are unable to reach 0.5 faster than light speed. 
2. Immediately the speed limit goes from 110 km/hr to 90 km/hr. Okay, I think we are maybe overreacting. You deny the radar detector AND THEN CHALLENGE US TO DRIVE 90?! I think not Ontario- Sammy Hagar and Ryan Ingham don’t drive 55. The only speeders on the road are from Alberta. We pull up beside them and we both look at each other like the brothers Doug and Steve Butabi from Night at the Roxbury - “Are you speeding? No, you want me to? Okay follow me”.
3. And now you take us from 4 lanes to 2 lanes?! Oh, Ontario you saucy bitch. If Manitoba voted further right you’d be shuffled lower in the pile.
4. AND THEN I SEE THIS!!

They have a angry fucking moose called “ Night Danger” Fucking rights we are speeding! I thought the coyote was tough!

OMG, hour 13.5 and we saw Night Danger!! (I did call him Night Ranger but Ryan corrected me.....and then we listened to Sister Christian). So if we get stopped I feel vindicated and I can tell Officer Ontario that our decision to speed in order to not be killed by Night Danger/Night Ranger is completely justified. Should work. 

We made it! We drove 1,306 kilometres in 13.5 hours....through road construction, 90 kilometre speed limits, farm equipment and bloody Manitoba highways. We liked it so much we are going back tomorrow. 

July 4

Captain’s Log. Star date 070419. Deep Space Station Williams has issued a priority one call. More than an emergency, it signals near or total disaster (or potential disaster). We can only assume the Williams have departed Toronto in the Enterprise Firebird as we plan to intercept them in the Enterprise Apollo F350. 

In the Enterprise Apollo for 1 hour and 13 minutes and the Captain and the Navigator are fighting about the music. And the flight path. And the temperature in the cab. So pretty fucking standard. I lost the music fight - no more Reba now it’s Led Zeppelin, won the route - Kindersley not Medicine Hat and the heat in the cab is a draw - it is either +30 or +6 in here! 

Also, in all my worldly travels I have never driven further east, in Canada, than Stettler. Yep, I’m a Saskatchewan virgin. 

East of Olds we picked up our first passenger. Alexander Keith. I like him. 

Saskatchewan virginity lost. Alex and I like Saskatchewan. Unfortunately the combination of Alexander Keith’s and Saskatchewan’s rough translation of paved roads means I need to pee! Captain is not impressed with his navigator’s over active bladder and A.K. and I have been split up. Captain appears to be an asshole. 

150 kms out of Regina and suddenly the Captain’s attitude has changed. Navigator has been promoted to Co-Captain. First Mate? Not sure of the new title but the Captain switched seats with me and immediately started snoring. Rude. But being the new Captain, navigator and Entertainment Director means that Led Zepplin can sit the fuck down. Reba! You’re up! 

Arrived safely in Regina at 11:20. 918 kilometres under our belt. ALSO - the rain stopped at Kindersley! Exotic, tropical Kindersley! Albertans pack your bags! Saskatchewan is hogging summer. 

June 20

So today – June 20 – the day before summer in the rest of the world – this is what I am dealing with at Strachan – A BLZZARD! Now I take full responsibility for this because I did two things that I know was akin to giving Mother Nature the middle finger ; I took my winter tires off and I put away the snow shovel. I am sorry. I know better.

But this led me to think of other things I never want to hear:

1.       I recently went to the gynecologist for an oil change and a tire rotation (really it sounds better than what I actually went there for) but the doctor asked me some questions that flustered me. Of course the obligatory, “How many drinks do you have in a week?” I, of course, said one a night. Now I will take some liberty with this question – one glass? One bottle? And really, if you average out EVERYDAY of my life I think that I am being generous when I say one drink a day. So I think I have that one covered. She also asked me, “Has anyone in your family died of cancer?” I said – with confidence – no. Nope. No one. When I was leaving the clinic I remembered – oh ya – MY DAD!!! MY DAD  DIED OF CANCER!!!! How can I overlook this one little detail? Also (and finally) the gynecologist would not say the word “vagina”. She is a vagina doctor and is obviously not comfortable with the word. I think that more people should be comfortable with the word – I am going to use it 10 times today in a sentence. If I was a gynecologist I would call myself a Vagina Doctor because it is MUCH easier to spell than gynecologist (that counts as 1 of my 10).

2.       I never want to hear Ryan turn to me when we are sitting in the side by side and say, “Do you think we can make it?” Now this question is always before we have to climb some God-awful hill or cross a nasty looking muskeg. NO I DON’T THINK WE CAN MAKE IT! TAKE ME HOME. I find as I am getting older I have a greater level of fear and a growing adversity for being cold, wet and/or muddy.

3.       I never want to hear, “Justin Trudeau has been reelected as Canada’s Prime Minister”. I think there is a few hundred thousand that will agree with me on this one.

4.       I never want to hear Dekker say, “I’m buying a street bike” . I actually have heard this and then I heard it when he drove it home and I hear it when he leaves. I actually hear it until he gets to Cow Lake which is about 15 kms away!!!

5.       Lastly (but not leastly) I never want to hear, “Huntsman Spider Devours Possum”. Again, I did hear this!! And just like that I am enjoying our late June snowfall. I am going to get out my snow shovel and shovel with glee. I will make a snow man, actually she will be a snow woman because she will have a vagina (2 down 8 to go).

 

  

June 18

I have to share a dream that I had the other night – it is blog worthy.

So in this dream I am standing in a formal waiting area. It has a very plush soft yellow carpet, round walls that are painted a light yellow. It is sparsely furnished – only a highly polished side table that has a huge bouquet of flowers on it. Also in the room is Brian Walisser. We are standing a few feet apart and waiting silently. (I have to do a quick side note to introduce my friend  Brian to anyone who does not know him -  he is hilarious, and witty and, unfortunately, currently sporting a beard that would make any sasquatch insanely jealous.  Although he is all of the above he is also one of the most neurotic people I know – but that too just endears him to me…..and his eventual therapist)

Anyway, Brian are waiting in this waiting room in complete silence. There is a formal, ceremonious atmosphere in the room. Two large oak doors open and who walks in? Queen Elizabeth the Second, Prince William and Kate and….. the Pope! Yes the Pope – The Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church and there he is in full regalia with the Queen sporting her tiara but BRIAN AND I ARE NOT SURPRISED!  Nope just chillin’ with our homies – the QE2 and her eventual successor and his wife and the man that has God’s ear.

And what does Brian do? He starts chasing the Pope around the room trying to tickle him. And the Pope is running around giggling.  I mentioned that the room is sparsely furnished and circular? They are running around the room dodging the 93 year old monarch. I AM SO MAD AT HIM!! I am trying to catch his eye to give him the, “Are you fucking serious!!” look but he is too busy playing tag with the pontiff to pay any attention to my stink eye. Kate, bless her soul, gives me the “What Can you Do?” look…..

I am so mad but I find myself unable to walk or talk. Why you ask? Because my dress is so fucking tight and my heels are too high and I AM SUCKING IN MY BELLY!!! Of course I am sucking in my belly! I am standing beside the 106 pound Duchess of Cambridge who is wearing size double bloody zero and 4” heels!! You know that dream when you are standing on the tracks and there is an oncoming train and you can’t move? Well that was me – standing in a circular room pissed off at Brian and unable to walk or talk!

So this had lead me to some investigating because there has to be 100 untold messages in this dream:

1.       Was there going to be some announcement about the Church of England and the Catholic Church reuniting? And why, in the name of God would I be there if that was the case? Would I get to voice my opinion on religion? Maybe offer an alternative? Maybe cough during the announcement and mumble “Bullshit” while the process was happening?

2.       Why do Brian and the Pope have such a close relationship? Does Brian have something on him? Can we crack the Catholic code?

3.       If I was going in public beside Kate why would I not invest in the World’s Greatest Spanx? I have seen the magical girdle that they show on Facebook (okay, maybe not on your Facebook ads but definitely on mine!)Why would I not have a quick lipo surgery before the big day? Maybe forgo wings and beer for a couple weeks? Do I lack that much self-control? Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes I do.

4.       I did research dreams about the Pope on a highly regarded website  – only “highly regarded” because it was the first website on my search engine…..Any way dreams about the Pope may indicate, “To see a pope in your dream represents your spiritual guidance, beliefs, and spiritual self. The dream serves to be an inspiration. Alternatively, it may indicate your own self-righteousness, narrow-mindedness, and holier-than-thou attitudes.” Now, in all seriousness, if I had to describe myself in 10 words or less it would be: Self-righteous, narrow-minded and holier than thou. So I think we nailed that one on the head. However, ironically those are the same words I would use to describe the Catholic Church as well......

5.Maybe a giggling Pope means something else?  Not a lot to offer on the internet about a giggling Pope.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my inner mind remains a mystery. And I learned my lesson – when I meet the Queen I will not take Walisser with me.

                                                  

May 5

So we are out camping (as the pictures can attest to) at the dam. Beautiful weekend. Snow - yes, others campers - no, mosquitoes - no, black bear - yes. So truly an amazing weekend. Brian and Kim and Ryan and and I had a great weekend out in the snowy, wet West Country. 

And after a wonderful couple days we are enjoying the last night of winter (on fucking May 4th!!) when Brian quietly sneaks away to bed, then a few minutes later Ryan cleans up from supper and silently disappears and then there is just Kim and I savouring the last glass of wine from a newly, undiscovered gem. We are out in the crisp, late night evening warding off the chill evening air when we are startled by a sudden, unexpected bang from my trailer. We look at one another to confirm we both heard the same noise. Then again - bang, bang. We are unsure of the explanation behind the - bang, bang - noise. Again bang. We know there is something seriously wrong a mere 20 feet away from us. We move with cautious speed to the trailer. What do we see? Ryan in his underwear. All of the furniture in the trailer askew.  Ryan on his hands and knees with a shoe banging at the trailer in a frenzied panic. Kim and I look at one another, silently acknowledging that Ryan has finally lost his last grip on sanity. I opened the door to talk him off the mental cliff he has backed himself onto....I quietly say, “Ryan?” He turns and barely makes eye contact with me and in a near hysteric state he says, “THERE IS A FUCKING MOUSE!” I barely have time to register that there is a 3 ounce terrorist in my trailer before I look at my wall and see a mother-fucking-mouse 2 feet up my wall trying to dodge my psychotic husband slamming his size 11 hiking books at the wall in a half-hazard-idly way.

 I am suddenly heavily invested in the outcome of this battle. I yell at Ryan, “Kill it! Kill it!” (Of course now that I am aware of the situation I am going to direct Ryan’s actions and attempt to control the entire process) Both Riggs are Turk are eager to vacate the premises and as soon as I open the door they see the opportunity to get the fuck away from their certifiable care giver (having said that I have to acknowledge that Riggs is possibly the best mouser I have ever encountered. He is a machine. So for him to be so willing to abandon this kill is a testament to the crazed state Ryan was in) Anyway the mouse drops from the wall and scurries behind the dog food dish and immediately the dog food is struck by the hiking boots and scattered across the room. After 10 more violent boot slams - success. Ryan grabbed a paper towel and held his trophy by the tail. The varmint was dead.

H So Westeros might need Arya Stark to kill the Night King but I need a crazed, middle aged man in his underwear with a hiking boot to save my world. Thank babe. ❤️

April 3

Well....we jet ski like we do everything else.....badly. We lost 3 pairs of sunglasses, Brian’s jet ski was broken (fouled spark plug), Jen got a fat lip and I was bucked off - on shore - and got a mild concussion. That didn’t stop me at the end of the day, declaring to Ryan “I WAS BORN TO JET SKI!” I think that declaration was provoked by the Mimosas, beer, sangria and margaritas because yesterday when I woke up I couldn’t walk, literally. Jen and I were both very handicapped for the day, Jen had a hard time cutting bacon and walking down the 5 stairs to go to the bathroom was equivalent to walking to Base Camp on Everest. We rode the jet skis down the beach to have breakfast (ceviche and margaritas) and it was pretty much downhill from there. We rode about 3.5 kms and Brian and Kim had wiped out twice. When we stopped Kim was putting on a brave face but she truly hated us all. Brian brought her back to our beach (and her book and a bottle of sangria) and we headed down the beach, until we decided that Brian’s jet ski had a fouled plug, we beached the jet skis to do a mechanical overhaul and that’s when my jet ski violently threw me off. So we were only about 8 kms from home but it took us 4 hours to get home. Fuzz rode the broken jet ski back so we tried different combinations - Jen and Brian, me and Brian, Ryan and Brian, me and Jen, me and Jen AND Ryan. I wish someone could have flown a drone beside us to see the train wreck we were. Yet I still felt confident enough when I reached the shore to declare, in a Leo DeCaprio like way, “I WAS BORN TO JET SKI”. 

We went out for supper and after a cocktail, us girls decided a nice bottle of red would be necessary. We called our waiter, Gorge, over and asked about vino tinto (red wine to you English speaking people) and he happily brought us the wine menu. We perused the menu and talked about the merits of merlot, cab sauv and blends, but we all decided that Pinot was a hard no. Cab sauv it was going to be. We again called our smiling waiter over to the table and using our best Spanish we pointed at our choice. Gorge, still smiling shook his head - “Don’t have” - okay, no problem, like true wine connoisseurs we have a second choice - we point to the blend. Still grinning Gorge shakes his head, “No”. Hmmmm. Okay a merlot? Oh Gorge, you happy little bastard, “No, no” so we change tactics - we ask him to pick. The entire menu is available to hm and he points to the Pinot - “That’s all we have”. I love that he brought us the menu, let us go through the motions of choosing and then gave us the only bottle in the restaurant. We drank it and loved it.

So yesterday was a blur of sunburns and sore muscles. We avoided the sun and chose option B - a movie in an air conditioned theatre in Merida. Today is our last day and it’s early enough to not know which was it will go.....could be a runaway.....

April 1

Now scorpions! Adding scorpions to the list! Ryan and Fuzz were in the garage and they moved a piece of wood and there was an evil little fucker there beside a dead gecko. Now we cannot falsely accuse the scorpion of killing the gecko, the investigation is ongoing, but I’m pretty confident the jury will come back with a guilty plea. And it is difficult to try a dead scorpion but there may be some closure for the geckos family. 🦎 🦂 (that is a court drawing of the suspect and the victim)

While the trial was occurring in the garage we enjoyed massages by the pool. My goal in life is to have so much money that getting a massage by the pool is not newsworthy but, alas, it remains newsworthy 🤷🏼‍♀️. Jen learned how to play backgammon and then promptly beat Brian and I - but I think there is an earthquake in the forecast so I’m not too worried about her chances in the next game.

We went out for supper to Kinuh (pronounced Canoe) and the boys were grumpy about going out for an “expensive” supper. We had a wonderful supper - Ryan ordered the Catch of the Day, which was a fish we had never heard of. We googled it and it was STILL a fish we had never heard of. Jen and I, thinking we are now native to Mexico added a little too much habanero to our suppers so we have that to look forward to later today...... Anyway our “expensive” supper that included 3 cosmos, a bottle of red, 2 mojitos and 6 grey goose and sodas as well as desserts came to $3000 Pesos. $214 Canadian. That’s it. I think if we went for a supper for 6 to Dairy Queen we would be looking at that much! To put it in perspective, we had supper at Prairie Creek in before we left (our pre-holiday party) and that bill was $11,800 pesos. 

I think we are maturing - our holiday is far more about the food than the drinks. We have organized a Mexican girl to cook for us on Wednesday night. She spoke no English and we speak limited Spanish so all I can confirm is that we are eating shrimp and ceviche. 

Anyway, we have rented jet skis for the day today - Kim is VERY stressed about it. I’ll keep you posted. 

Mexico Time - I have no idea the time, the date or even the month!

It’s difficult to give an accurate timeline of our trip. Not only have I realized we are incredibly boring but we have not had 1 big party (seriously) nor have we been able to stay awake past 10:00 p.m. (seriously). This is a quick transcript of our dinner conversation:

Brian: this is the best cheese I’ve ever eaten

Jen: Do you think I had measles as a child? 

Fuzz: Who watered the plants today.

Me: Is that a spider or a gecko in the corner? I’m not wearing my glasses

Ryan: mmmmm...(not talking just eating)

Kim: Does anyone want to do shots?

Brian: Seriously? Can we buy this cheese at home?

Jen: I have no idea why there is public alerts when there is a measles outbreak - my mom would give me an aspirin and send me outside to play.

Fuzz: So tomorrow we are going to paint the wall.

Me: Ryan, can you see what’s in the corner?

Ryan: mmmmmm (still just eating)

Kim: The pomegranate tequila or the regular tequila?

Brian: I’m taking some of this cheese home.

Jen: I think we were tougher kids.

Fuzz: we will change the oil in the car tomorrow 

Me: No, I just saw it move. I think it’s a gecko.

Ryan: (Done eating his supper) Stacy are you going to eat that?

Kim: okay, I’ll do a shot. 

The other day the boys went race car driving. They were small go-carts (6 horsepower motors) - us girls had a peaceful pool day, played some dice, had margaritas at the pool and had a nap. Perfect holiday day. Then the boys came home. To say they were excited would be an understatement. If I had Ritalin I would have slipped them some. We heard about every corner of the track, how the helmets fit, that Ryan’s cart had no brakes.....blah, blah, blah. But we decided we were going to give them daily activities- like a kids program at a resort. 

The lot beside Darren and Jen’s is bare. Not bare but there is nothing built there. I’m sure it is occupied by 1,000 nasty spiders, a couple snakes, Jen saw a chicken there yesterday, all kids of birds, occasionally some stray dogs and cockroaches (more about that later). When Darren cut fronds off the palm trees or branches from the trees he tosses them over the fence to the No Mans Land and carries on his merry way. Well the other day he must have had a twinge of conscience (I think he Googled “What is a conscience “ after he Googled “How to fight like a Mexican”) anyway.....he started a small fire. Now I have to do a quick break in the story to do a back story. My dad, Rod, God bless his soul, was a known pyromaniac. His modus operandi was fire. We have had the Fish cops knock on our door in the middle of the night telling us they are giving us 2 hours to put out the fire or he is getting a $10,000 fine (I missed class the next day because I was up all night carrying buckets of water). He burned down his neighbors entire corral system when he was just having “a small grass fire”. When dad went for the Gerry can we all immobilized - we knew shit was about to get real. So when Jen and I were sitting, comfortably by the pool and Miguel (the Mexican contractor) yelled from the roof - “Fire” I suffered from immediate PTSD. Darren’s “small fire” had jumped the road and the lot behind the house was on fire. Amazing how quickly holiday mode is shutdown and emergency mode kicks in. I have to be honest- I didn’t help. My fear of creatures is greater than my fear of fire. 

I can’t remember if I’ve told you about Jen’s dogs (also, in Mexico she is called Yennifer Yopez - I would buy a house in Mexico too if the Mexicans always called me Jennifer Lopez). Anyway, D&J’s house is right beside the fishing marina. Also beside the fishing marina is 400 stray dogs. Yennifer affectionately calls them “mi amigos”. She still calls them that when she is surrounded by 14 of them while she is equally dividing out food for them. In the evening when we are playing cards and you hear the inevitable dog fight break out Jen stomps back to the dogs and yells, very aggressively- “No, no mis amigos. No fighting”. They obviously do not understand English because the fight continues. I think THEY know how to fight like Mexicans. 

The other day we spent the day in Progresso (and got day drunk), met a very lovely lady from Poland that works on a cruise ship, had a beer at Fernando’s bar (the bar that Fuzz and I go to when we need a break). Brian, Kim, Ryan and Jen bought glasses so we spent some time in town - the food is so good. But we got home later and it was dark. I came out on the patio (there was no light on) and I saw this creature crawling around- I knew by the absence of 8 legs that it was not Situation Critical but it was definitely High Alert. I was yelling for someone to come and kill this THING. Jennifer was the hero of the day - out she flew, moved the couch with her super human powers and killed the COCKROACH with her flip flip. This fucker was 2 inches long. Add it to the list of These Are Some Of My Least Favourite Things.

Last story - I love backgammon. The only person who ever plays backgammon with me is my brother, Scott. So when Brian asked if anyone knew how to play backgammon I just nodded with tears in my eyes. So now it’s been backgammon central. I was giving him tips and suggestions in the beginning but then he won a couple so now it’s each man for himself. I also have to pay attention because the little fucker cheats. I was kicking his ass yesterday and there was an “earthquake “ and the board was violently shaken and the game was over. I was assured that there is no earthquakes in the forecast so game on!

March 24 and 25 and 26

I need to start a “Remember For The Next Time I Come To Mexico” list. On the list is going to be:

1. A big purse/beach bag
2. A big floppy hat
3. Sun screen 
4. A toilet seat

Why, in the name of Ricky Gervais, is there no seats on any of these bloody toilets?! I’m not sure if you are familiar with my muscle to fat ratio for my thighs but it’s about 80/20 - with fat leading the pack. I cannot, I repeat, cannot squat that long without my bum grazing the side of the toilet. I am always, immediately, transported back to the time I was 8 months pregnant with Darian and I waddled to the bathroom for my 2:00 a.m. pee and I sat down only to have my bum soaked in water. It is the one and only time Ryan did not put the seat down. 

Boys went to bed early and us girls were having a late night glass of wine. We were doing some research on cenotes to visit in the area but Jen realized that Fuzz took her iPad to bed when she retrieved it the last search Fuzz had done on google was “How to fight like a Mexican”. Not sure what that is all about but I am so excited to see the results of this investigation. Does it mean he will wear a mask? Does it mean he’s bringing a couple stray dogs and his cousin Jose? Not sure but I’ll keep everyone posted. 

March 23

Status: Cankles

For real cankles. Jesus. We FaceTimed Camryn and she said, “Oh my God, I think your kidneys are failing”. Now, to the usual layperson this may concern them but I laughed in the face of possible life threatening issues and I say - nay, nay it’s not my time yet. But seriously, I am concerned. When my ankles are larger than my considerable thighs I think that we should all be concerned. It equatable to a natural disaster. We have walked (I’m not kidding you) 7kms today - in flip flops - 100% humidity, when I’ve had (roughly) 4 cups of salt on the side of multiple margarita glasses. 

Went into Progesso and had a little walk around. Had the best tacos and then hopped back in the Journey to head to the grocery store. “Hopped” is a relative term - in actuality moving seats, opening windows to dispel the 400 degree heat in the van and stacking 1300 pounds of humans into the vehicle. And we head to the grocery store (with Brian complaining that we are only going to liquor stores and grocery stores.....this is NOT his first rodeo - he knows the drill!) and what appears before our wondering eyes? A check stop. Federallis, machine guns, and a blow box. Fuzz passed the test (I was 50/50 - if he failed they took him...and we would have to rock, paper, scissors to see how else would drive or he passes and we keep him. You can understand my conundrum). But after he passed the test he turned the wrong way down a one way street and we had 16 Ferderallis yelling at us to stop. We heard no gunfire so we raced on. I can cross “Out running the Mexican popo” off my Bucket List. 

But grocery shopping in a Mexican grocery store is like playing Russian roulette - “Do you think this spice is chilli powder” or “Is this skimmed milk or whole fat”. Update: it wasn’t chilli powder but it was an acceptable substitute and it wasn’t milk at all - it was sour cream. We came home and played Riffle (Jen won again...) and Brian made the most delicious Chicken Caesar salad with homemade croutons- soooo good. Broke two shot glasses and a bottle of Jameson’s Whiskey (not full but made a hell of a mess in the kitchen). I said it was because the Ricky Gervais god was grumpy because we broke another commandment. 

March 22

Oh my god.....biggest spider I’ve ever seen before outside of a zoo or a David Attenborough documentary. This mother fucker carried his own lawn chair to the top deck of the house and when he got there he asked for his own beer. This fucker was so big that is visible from Google Earth. I know that, obviously, there are big spiders in Mexico, but for fuck sakes - when I’m faced with one that I need to shake hands with to greet I am out! He was awful. I did try to burn down the Mexico house but I was denied. Apparently Jen said that this was a good spider but she doesn’t realize that there is no such thing as a “good” spider. 

So that’s my whole day...pool....walk.....Mimosa.....pool....laughs....something to eat....laughs....drinks...A HUGE FUCKING SPIDER THAT COULD KILL ANYONE AND I WILL THINK ABOUT EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP!! 

March 21

Okay - met Raul and a van full of beer and coolers (actually it was only 6 coolers and a case of beer - it literally lasted us for 8 kms) and we were on our way to Telchac. 

We were discussing religion with Raul and he said “Not so many Catholics, lots of Mormons and yews (I speak Spanish - he meant “Jewish”) and Christians”. Then he said that he talked to a man once that said his religion was his family and friends. Which led us to discuss our new religion- The Holy Order of Angelic Voices and Great Choices. It is a bit of a mouthful but I promise it’s a great religion. I’m not sure how you become a tax free entity but that would make our church more legit. We are working on our commandments:

1. Thou shalt not drink bad wine.
2. Thou shalt revere P!nk, Kid Rock, Eric Church and Willie.
3. Thou shalt not do shots.
4. Thou shalt not do yoga.
5. Thou shalt not reveal online shopping expenses
6. Thou shall treat their wives like Goddesses.
7. Martini Thursdays shall be the Holy Order of Angelic Voices and Great Choices sabbath.
8. Thou shalt not go to bed before the party is over.
9. Thou shall always sing as loud as possible (correct words are not necessary).
10. Thou shall always be willing to play poker for cash.

These are the first draft, still hammering out the final details. I think if we need a leader I am voting for Ricky Gervais or Russell Brand, I think the English accent lends credence to our religion. 

So we headed to Merida for groceries and booze. All 6 of us bundled in the Journey for our journey - two in the front, three in the middle and one in the back - or as we affectionately call it - row28. Got into Merida to Costco - which has a cenote in the parking lot - seriously. Took 2 shopping carts and we filled them...to the top. We then wheeled them out to the Journey and packed them in there. We had a flat of a Prosecco, a flat of Dos Equis, a flat of Pacifico, a case of wine, 24 pack of toilet paper and $800 of groceries - our Holy Lord Ricky Gervais was on our side helping us pack everything in that vehicle. I think that’s the only way we got it all in there - divine intervention. We load back in the vehicle and Fuzz yells to the back of the bus, “Is that fucking Stacy in the vehicle?” He is so mouthy when there is 3 seats, a cooler of veggies and a case of toilet paper in between us. 

We went for supper to a steakhouse and it was like playing Jenga trying to get out of that vehicle without the food and alcohol pyramid crashing down. I had to back out of the vehicle...ass exposed....which Ryan ensured was exposed to everyone. I was birthed by the Journey. 

Back home and we played Riffle. Jen won. $600 pesos for her. Then we played a Jacks for shots (and, incidentally the same time we decided on Commandment number 3) and Mexico loves Jen....she didn’t have to drink any tequila.....but I did....3 shots. 

March 20

Well I have not blogged in for ever so I need to catch everyone up. Through the God awful month of February- when temperatures hit a balmy -36 degrees Celsius (before windchill) we planned a trip to Mexico (more on that in a minute). Now I know there is this rumour that hell is hot. Well I am here to dispel that rumour. Hell is -42 degrees with a healthy wind from the North. Satan wears Sorels and has Hot Pockets in his mittens. Satan giggles when people slip on the ice and he roars with laughter when we shovel. He is a bastard. 

Anyway, we booked Mexico because Darren and Jennifer generously bought a house in Mexico and they were gracious enough to invite us to their home, which is fairly ironic because I live beside them and all Darren ever says to me, “Jesus Christ, why don’t you go home?!” Anyway flights booked and then you know that means? Ladies you know what this means.....booking a trip to get waxed. Lord have mercy, I think I’m changing my mind. Satan rips the hair out of your legs with a wax strip. While I’m laying on that bed, trying to convince myself that having smooth legs is the only thing separating me from a Kardashian, I curse the 20-something, fresh faced girl ripping my hair out. She has no idea the hell I’ve lived. I try to remember the pain I felt when I was going through childbirth to put this pain in context but, nope, this is pretty fucking bad. So waxing done, new swimsuit bought, bags packed, house sitter organized and we’re off. 

We spent the night at the Marriott at the airport discussing our first battle - we reserved seats (of course, nothing is free it cost us - collectively- $210) only to discover that we were split up. The Ingham’s and Williams’ were in the back forty - row 28 - basically on the tail of the plane and the Walisser’s were in row 10 but in seats A and F. When we checked in in the morning the very unhelpful, unimpressed West Jet lady basically told us to fuck off when we expressed our displeasure - she also rolled her eyes when she saw Jen was bringing her own martini glasses. So we get on the plane to find a 23 month old snot machine sitting behind us. It was going to be a long flight. Brian had already ordered a double rum before the plane had reached flying altitude. 

Made it Cancun and to be perfectly honest - the kid was really good. Nothing stress me out more than waiting for my luggage on that bloody carousel. I’m always convinced my luggage has gone east when I go west. So while we wait and wait and wait. Brian’s suitcase was the very last one to come out and it as accompanied by 2 security guards that immediately escorted him to a room to search him.  So we did what all good friends would do. We left him. 

We did start to get concerned when, after 10 minutes, we were still waiting. The struggle was real. Do we totally abandon him for a ice cold margarita or do we continue to wait. I’ve got to tell you the vote was close. Finally we saw him emerge dragging his suitcase behind him and he was ready for a beer. He had packed poker chips in the metal case in his suitcase. Apparently this raised every red flag in Mexico. 

So we make it Raulsaturnino. Ya that’s right that was his name. We called him Raul. I called him “Canihaveanotherbeer” or “Canwestopforapee” he seemed to answer to that as well. But that’s enough for now....more to follow.

January 5

In my constant attempt to be a better person (or at least someone who is not on trial for manslaughter) I am going to only share positive thoughts on Facebook. This is going to be an epic task. I would like to describe my style as “passionate” but before I try to calm my temper I am going to get a couple things off my chest:

1. Bighorn Proposal- now Shannon Phillips is claiming bullying. With all due respect Ms. Phillips, we are not bullying anyone. We are passionate and protective about our backyard. We are stewards of the West Country. We feel YOU are bullying us. You are pushing through a proposal that makes no sense - for your own parties political gain. We feel cheated, lied to and ignored. We are not bullying, we are exasperated. Now enough on the topic. I will complete the survey 200 times. I will vote UPC in the next provincial election and hope Mr Kenney will listen to our concerns before making any decisions that will directly affect our livelihoods. 

2. Yellow Vests - I agree on principle BUT I am not anti-immigration. I am pro-responsible immigration. Canada is a melting pot, I learned that in Grade 4. I looked around my at my classmates and recognized many skin colours, nationalities and in later years, I also recognized sexual orientation. I am very anti-hate speeches and ignorance. It is a big wide world, and I believe that 95% of our population wants to live a pleasant, happy life. I refuse to listen to the 5% that are exhausting with their doom and gloom opinions. My life is too short - so is yours.

3. Anti Oil and Gas/Carbon Tax - to those people who believe carbon tax is going to improve emissions or that shutting down the oil sands is going to make unicorns and leprechauns appear sprinkling pixie dust on us all - I would like to take a sip of your lemonade. Seriously, it must be glorious to be that self righteous and indignant that we pro-oil satanist are destroying your planet. Before you climb up on your pedestal take a moment to realize what you are saying. Canada will become a third world country. Albeit a third world country that hand out honorary degrees to the like of David Suzuki (one of the most hypocritical people ever) and host to the Decaprios and Fonda’s of the world. Do you realize Canada, until very recently, still mined and sold asbestos to second and third world countries?! Where is your social indignation over that? Oil and gas companies are extremely environmentally responsible. No more than that - oil and gas companies lead all industries in funding environmental programs. Not only that - they employ (directly or indirectly) most Albertans as well as donating heavily to social programs and local programs. So if you have anything to say about oil and gas it should be a gracious and heartfelt thank you.

4. Notley and Trudeau. We live in a democracy. Thank God. We have freedoms that most of us take for granted. Thank God. We, this is a collective, royal “we” - voted both of these parties in. I respect anyone who votes. It is my right to argue with our government policies. I am, quite obviously, right wing, but I do not agree with all of their policies either (I’ll get into this in point 5) but this is our current government. Ms. Notley, I think she is an excellent person to have in an opposition party, however I think she is in over her head and has been for the entire term. Please let me clarify, her party, not her. I give her much credit for service and think she has had a lot of obstacles but none of those are related to her gender. I think she has handled herself admirable, however this makes no difference in my vote - it will most definitely be for the UPC. Now Trudeau - I think Casey from Mr. Dress Up would do a better job of governing our country that this spoilt, self-intitled, arrogant momma’s boy could ever do. He has treated Canada abominably. He has embarrassed us repeatedly. How was he even a successful drama teacher?! He couldn’t give a speech if his life depended on it. I pray that he is ousted in October- I’m sure he will have a wonderful career ahead of him kissing the UN’s ass.

5. UPC - okay guys and gals - don’t fuck this up. Learn from past experience. Don’t take your leadership for granted. Have Albertans backs. Defend us against terrible federal policies. Let’s weather this volatile gas market and encourage investment in our great province. Have the balls to stand up against C69. Draw some hard lines in the sand. And for the love of God and all things holy - Bill 24 - support it. Do not become involved in outing children to their parents. Any sex education or sexual orientation is none of the governments business. It’s not your business and it’s not mine. 

Okay, got that all off my chest now onwards and upwards with 2019 - only happy funny posts.