July 5

Captain’s Log. Star date 070519. Saskatchewan appears to be far more hospitable than originally anticipated. Unfortunately I forgot it is summer (honest mistake considering Alberta has seen 5,000 mm of rain and 7 minutes of sunshine in June) and I packed no shorts! So I’m sitting in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt in the Enterprise Apollo sweating my ass off (please refer to earlier log about the temperature in the cab). There is actually a/c but Captain is attempting to limit fuel refills to maximize driving time. He was bold enough to declare that, “a good wife would climb out the back window and refill the truck from the slip tank while we are driving” So I am officially admitting I am NOT a good wife. I do see through his thinly veiled attempt to knock me off and get a newer Navigator circa 1980 - 1985. 

While departing Regina during a particularly rough exit we did lose a clearance light from the Ent. Apollo- I can only hope it is not essential for our landing in Thunder Bay. Actually, I also hope it’s the only piece we lose off our chariot. Note to self: purchase duct tape at next fuelling station.

So as the navigator I am attempting solve an equation: If a Firebird leaves Sudbury doing 90 kms/hr and has a headwind of 13 kms/hr and an F350 leaves Regina doing 117 kms/hr with a 20 km/hr tailwind - where will they meet? My Grade 9 thru 12 math is going to pay off! Now I just need to find a triangle and figure out some angles and then trigonometry paid for itself. 

We also had a three legged coyote pass in front of us. WTF?! Saskatchewan has tough coyotes! I have my own coyote story I’ll share in a future blog but suffice it to say I would never chase a coyote in Sorels, in up the bum underwear and a fire poker in February in Saskatchewan . ‘Nuff said. 

So Ryan and I lost our Manitoba virginity together. No Alex. 😒. But I hear that we later may be joined by his cousin Mr. Miller.... One of the first things that confronted us was a large sign stating Radar Detectors Are Illegal In Manitoba. Manitoba is quite bossy. 

We also passed a JimBob truck hauling bridges. I rolled down the window

and gave him a big wave and he read the Apollo sign on the door and gave us a honk. Fuck Rocky is friendly. If anyone knows who he is could you ask him to keep a watch on the highway for clearance lights. (Sorry - a complete side note: I’m typing while we are racing down the highway avoiding semi’s and various farm equipment and I typed “clearance” wrong and my iPad auto corrected to “clearly ailing tsunamis “ so now I need to google tsunami illnesses) 

Nearing hour 12..... still going without calling a divorce lawyer. 

Manitoba roads are atrocious. They are a patchwork of pavement, concrete and NDP dreams. I had to google it - Manitoba has an NDP government *eye roll* that is so March. Didn’t they get the memo? Another reason Manitoba has been shuffled towards the bottom of my provincial hierarchy. They are even behind Ontario (Doug Ford, you crazy bastard, you made the difference for me). Anyway we entered Ontario and suddenly we are inundated with rules:

1. Still illegal to have radar detector so now we are only using our adara etectorda ( for those of you who unfamiliar with pig Latin that’s radar detector) anyway but we are only using it for GPS. But when the “GPS” flashes we do slow down. Unfortunately we are in the Enterprise Apollo not the Millennium Falcon and we are unable to reach 0.5 faster than light speed. 
2. Immediately the speed limit goes from 110 km/hr to 90 km/hr. Okay, I think we are maybe overreacting. You deny the radar detector AND THEN CHALLENGE US TO DRIVE 90?! I think not Ontario- Sammy Hagar and Ryan Ingham don’t drive 55. The only speeders on the road are from Alberta. We pull up beside them and we both look at each other like the brothers Doug and Steve Butabi from Night at the Roxbury - “Are you speeding? No, you want me to? Okay follow me”.
3. And now you take us from 4 lanes to 2 lanes?! Oh, Ontario you saucy bitch. If Manitoba voted further right you’d be shuffled lower in the pile.
4. AND THEN I SEE THIS!!

They have a angry fucking moose called “ Night Danger” Fucking rights we are speeding! I thought the coyote was tough!

OMG, hour 13.5 and we saw Night Danger!! (I did call him Night Ranger but Ryan corrected me.....and then we listened to Sister Christian). So if we get stopped I feel vindicated and I can tell Officer Ontario that our decision to speed in order to not be killed by Night Danger/Night Ranger is completely justified. Should work. 

We made it! We drove 1,306 kilometres in 13.5 hours....through road construction, 90 kilometre speed limits, farm equipment and bloody Manitoba highways. We liked it so much we are going back tomorrow.