June 18

I have to share a dream that I had the other night – it is blog worthy.

So in this dream I am standing in a formal waiting area. It has a very plush soft yellow carpet, round walls that are painted a light yellow. It is sparsely furnished – only a highly polished side table that has a huge bouquet of flowers on it. Also in the room is Brian Walisser. We are standing a few feet apart and waiting silently. (I have to do a quick side note to introduce my friend  Brian to anyone who does not know him -  he is hilarious, and witty and, unfortunately, currently sporting a beard that would make any sasquatch insanely jealous.  Although he is all of the above he is also one of the most neurotic people I know – but that too just endears him to me…..and his eventual therapist)

Anyway, Brian are waiting in this waiting room in complete silence. There is a formal, ceremonious atmosphere in the room. Two large oak doors open and who walks in? Queen Elizabeth the Second, Prince William and Kate and….. the Pope! Yes the Pope – The Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church and there he is in full regalia with the Queen sporting her tiara but BRIAN AND I ARE NOT SURPRISED!  Nope just chillin’ with our homies – the QE2 and her eventual successor and his wife and the man that has God’s ear.

And what does Brian do? He starts chasing the Pope around the room trying to tickle him. And the Pope is running around giggling.  I mentioned that the room is sparsely furnished and circular? They are running around the room dodging the 93 year old monarch. I AM SO MAD AT HIM!! I am trying to catch his eye to give him the, “Are you fucking serious!!” look but he is too busy playing tag with the pontiff to pay any attention to my stink eye. Kate, bless her soul, gives me the “What Can you Do?” look…..

I am so mad but I find myself unable to walk or talk. Why you ask? Because my dress is so fucking tight and my heels are too high and I AM SUCKING IN MY BELLY!!! Of course I am sucking in my belly! I am standing beside the 106 pound Duchess of Cambridge who is wearing size double bloody zero and 4” heels!! You know that dream when you are standing on the tracks and there is an oncoming train and you can’t move? Well that was me – standing in a circular room pissed off at Brian and unable to walk or talk!

So this had lead me to some investigating because there has to be 100 untold messages in this dream:

1.       Was there going to be some announcement about the Church of England and the Catholic Church reuniting? And why, in the name of God would I be there if that was the case? Would I get to voice my opinion on religion? Maybe offer an alternative? Maybe cough during the announcement and mumble “Bullshit” while the process was happening?

2.       Why do Brian and the Pope have such a close relationship? Does Brian have something on him? Can we crack the Catholic code?

3.       If I was going in public beside Kate why would I not invest in the World’s Greatest Spanx? I have seen the magical girdle that they show on Facebook (okay, maybe not on your Facebook ads but definitely on mine!)Why would I not have a quick lipo surgery before the big day? Maybe forgo wings and beer for a couple weeks? Do I lack that much self-control? Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes I do.

4.       I did research dreams about the Pope on a highly regarded website  – only “highly regarded” because it was the first website on my search engine…..Any way dreams about the Pope may indicate, “To see a pope in your dream represents your spiritual guidance, beliefs, and spiritual self. The dream serves to be an inspiration. Alternatively, it may indicate your own self-righteousness, narrow-mindedness, and holier-than-thou attitudes.” Now, in all seriousness, if I had to describe myself in 10 words or less it would be: Self-righteous, narrow-minded and holier than thou. So I think we nailed that one on the head. However, ironically those are the same words I would use to describe the Catholic Church as well......

5.Maybe a giggling Pope means something else?  Not a lot to offer on the internet about a giggling Pope.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my inner mind remains a mystery. And I learned my lesson – when I meet the Queen I will not take Walisser with me.