December1

So we are home from Italy. I’ll wrap that story up eventually but for now I have more stories.

Jen, Merrily and I are Christmas shopping. And for 1 minute I need to talk about eyelashes. Mother fucking eyelashes. Ladies. DO NOT WEAR EYELASHES THAT LOOK LIKE CATERPILLARS CRAWLED UP ON YOUR EYELIDS AND DIED!! Nah, nah. You are not fooling 1 person to think that those mother fuckers are natural! No one! A alien could land on earth and run into someone with fake eyelashes and even they would think, “Does this person think this looks natural?” When I talk to someone with ridiculous eyelashes I want to gently reach out and hold their hand and say, “What are you going through? Do you want to talk?” I can only explain this phenomenon with a serious concern about the self image of women. 

Ladies, you are beautiful. Please do not feel the need to try to be something that no one attains to be. Have confidence to be you. You are enough. Please rip those awful eyelashes off. 

Rome - sometime in October……

Obviously I am failing terribly at this daily blogging thing, so I am going to blog about our 3 Italian stops. So first, Rome. Wow! It was called an “Outdoor Museum” and that was an understatement. Every view from everywhere is breathtaking. Jen and I were both overwhelmed. Honestly, it was almost an anxiety attack. The food and the wine are amazing. We arrived in the Rome airport to be greeted by Maria who helped us get our luggage and then took us to our driver. About a 45 minute trip to our hotel in the middle of Rome. The drivers in Italy are following some unwritten road rules. They drive fast, do not recognize lanes, or signal lights, or oncoming traffic, or pedestrians, or the width of the road. It’s mental. What they do recognize is the power of their horn. It lets drivers know they are behind them, coming up to pedestrians or pretty much anything else. I have no idea what would constitute a traffic violation here. It has also given all of us a new respect for Smart cars. 

Our hotel was very nice, rooms were small (we estimated it to be approximately 1/3 the size of our Aberdeen room.)There was almost a marital dispute while we were wheeling our luggage in. I have to backtrack a bit. When we were in the Aberdeen airport we had the most miserable, unhappy troll of a woman that checked us in. My suitcase was overweight (story of my life 🙄) and after getting a 15 minute lecture I had to pay $100 CDN for my suitcase. I forked over the cash and then heard about it for another 10 minutes from this nightmare of a human all the while she was rolling her eyes. I smiled and waved. It should also be said she was not Scottish but from some country just to the east of hell! Needless to say while we were enjoying our favourite pub in the Amsterdam (or as Jennifer requests we all call it Amsterdarn) I took the opportunity to go and buy a new carryon suitcase to accommodate my ever expanding wardrobe. Again to our 15x15 Roman hotel…..we now have 4 suitcases, 1 large backpack, 1 large lulu bag and my purse crammed into this room. It was tight. Delicious supper on a quaint back alley in Rome - movies are made about these places! 

Again some more back tracking - we are playing cards in the AmsterDARN airport, living the life, 4th pint of beer, diligently watching the display board for our boarding time when we decide we we should mosey on down towards our gate. We turn the corner and see 400 people standing in a line, waiting to go through security. Epic fail on our part. We have to board the plane in 20 minutes and we have approximately a two hour wait to go through security. There were 2, count them 2! security people to filter through all of these people. We went to airport person and they “fast tracked” in another line. This line only had 30 people in the line….. it they are averaging 8 minutes per person, so do the math…..WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR PLANE!! Honestly, if I could have put my head between my legs to avoid a panic attack I would have done it. There we were, pissing around for 4 hours in the airport and now it is situation critical. By some miracle we made it through security but then had to run for 15 minutes to get to our gate. Gate 81 was the frigging furthest gate from where we were. Jesus with us and we made it….only to wait on the plane for 30 minutes while they loaded our luggage. 🙄

Next day is our first tour - the Forum and the Coliseum. We met our guide Mohammed. I was so glad we had a guide. He walked us through 30 centuries of Roman history. The coliseum was quite busy but when Mohammed started talking you didn’t even notice the crowd. Scotland has history but Rome has H.I.S.T.O.R.Y. We also met a very nice couple from High River - Craig and Sue. We went for lunch with them where we discovered that Craig is retired from Immigration Border Patrol. Very interesting. 

Next days tour was the Vatican. Okay, we are going to take this slow. We met our very lovely guide Maura and we were given headsets so we could listen to her talk throughout the tour. Good idea because there was approximately 15,000 people also touring the Vatican. I wish that was an exaggeration but, if anything, that might be a low estimate. This is my forewarning- if you are a strong Catholic you should stop reading. The Catholic Churches are so ostentatious that I am embarrassed for them. Once again the Pope’s apology for residential schools rang through my ears. When Maura gave us the overview of Vatican City and she showed us where the priests live and where the nuns live, “close by so they can wait on them” I pretty much lost interest. There were so many people that you honestly couldn’t see a thing. They just take your money and file you through. We did get to see the Sistine Chapel and Michaelangelo’s amazing ceiling. We did learn that in 1994 Japanese restorer’s cleaned the ceiling but instead of the Catholic Church paying them (I can only assume they are on a tight budget and couldn’t afford the cost….) they gave the Japanese 40 years of copyright on the paintings, so no pictures. We left before the tour was complete - honestly, I would rather walk naked through Rome than do that tour again. And I don’t like walking naked from my bathroom to my bedroom! 

We did also miss the Pope in the morning. Maybe the Pope missed us in the morning. 

Things we have decided about Italy:

1.  we don’t like Aperol spritz’s - disgusting. Vile. 
2. Big beers. Seriously big beers. We stopped on the way to our Vatican tour for a “quick” beer and they wheeled out 4 kegs of beer. Equal to about 17 pee breaks in our immediate future.
3. The Vatican. The fucking Vatican! 🤬

October 2

Sad day, we are leaving Edinburgh. 

I think before I go to our departure, I need to share some Ryan and Jen truths:

1.  if Jen licks a potato chip (because she likes the salt but not the carbs) and hands the chips to Ryan, he will eat it.
2. Jen needed some Kleenex, I think I was mentioning her possible illness, so she was looking for a Kleenex. Ryan dug in his pocket and pulled out a fairly used Kleenex, Jen did not hesitate and grabbed his Kleenex and used it. With abundance.
3. We stopped for lunch and Ryan desperately needed dental floss. Desperately. He made the emergency call. Who answered? Jen. She pulled 18” of dental floss she had previously used out and stored in the door of the car and handed to Ryan with a quick note - it was used. Ryan did not miss a beat, used it, and handed it back to Jen and she tucked it back in the door for either of them to use again in the future.
4. They both share the same contact. There is no problem if one of them can’t see. Nope, they pop out the contact and pass it to the next one. But when they do it they talk in an Italian accent. It makes it more acceptable. 

Sorry, slight detour but it really had to be said. You know you are spending too much time together when….

So leaving Edinburgh. I am sad but we are headed to Findon. To the people I love. I am pretty excited. We had a quick stop in Stonehaven. Just because we have to go full circle. Hard to believe that we were here a short 9 days ago. Honestly, such a hidden gem. Half of my heart will always be here. 

On to Portlethen. This was the little village that we lived in when I lived with mom and dad and Scott in Scotland. Holy shit, it has grown. I had to go towards Old Porty to find my way to Findon. Scott, you would be ashamed. Anyway, Pam and Mike, Roy and Sher and Lynn and Dek. Words can never, never express my love. You are my heart and soul. My childhood and my inspiration. I so, so love you. I canna look at Roy without greeting. I’m so sad mom and dad and Scott aren’t here with me. The laughter and tears mean more too me then you can ever know. I love, love, love you. I could spend 1,000 hours with you. Thank you. Thank you for making Scotland my home. You are the heart. 

So you can only imagine how hard it was to leave. Makes me miss my dad more than anything. 

Okay, on to Aberdeen. Our last night in Scotland. Our hotel room was pretty bloody spectacular. But there was so much work involved. We had to pack, repack, pack, regret our Edinburgh purchases, repack again all while we were drinking the remaining alcohol we had packed around Scotland. While “hot tubbing” in our room. 

October 1

Woke up to 32 degrees and dry clothes - finally. I made some calls and located my missing scarf (I did have to clearly identify the scarf. I said it was black with tan plaid throughout. Nope. Try again. Black with orangey-tan plaid that was left(probably) under the table in the back at (roughly10:30 pm last night). Success. At some point today I am getting custody of my scarf again. Got organized and headed to Hamilton’s for breakfast. Ryan, Jen and I had our first coffee of the day and Fuzz had his first gin of the day. Had breakfast and then came up with a game plan for the day. Jen and I are going shopping at the boys are headed to the Surgeon’ Hall Museum. You know there is some blood and gore involved when the boys are interested in going to a museum. Mind you, it could be a Robbie Burns Museum and they would choose that over shopping. 

So Jen and I did some credit card damage in Edinburgh, without a forethought to our already bulging suitcases that not only had to make it back into our Skoda chariot but also another 4 flights, another country, 5 vehicle transfers AND 3 TRAIN RIDES! But more about that later. Met they boys and my missing scarf at August37 again. Except the boys weren’t there. So there was sat, had a drink and waited, and waited. We were about to call the Canadian Embassy when who appears? Our boys-bubbling with excitement about the various diseases they saw at the Museum (apparently syphilis and tuberculosis were big sellers) and then they were out on the street watching a street performance where a man was swallowing a sword (insert all inappropriate jokes here because we heard them all). We also had to hear about what a pain in the ass it was to go all the way back to the Tolbooth (it was a bit of a walk out of the way) to retrieve my scarf (also along the way Ryan discovered the price ($83)) so there was additional grumbling. We went for a delicious supper at Monteith’s (which ironically was beside The Tolbooth - so the detour the boys made was unnecessary-again, we heard about it). The supper, the ambiance and the service was so good. So were the 4 wine glasses we parted with. 

Our last walk down the the hill and packed our bags. Pretty sad for this chapter to be over.

September 30

Part of the problem with keeping up with my blogs is the fact that I will start a blog and then the %&#*-ing thing doesn’t save.I would like say if it is frustrating but frustrating doesn’t begin to come close to my emotions when I can’t find i! 🤬 So now I’m doing all draft work in Notes! 

Okay, obviously we are a few days ahead of my blogs so I am going to try to do a couple of days in one (while redoing September 30 because it was lost). 

When we woke up in Edinburgh it was blustery. I did tell the group that we had to have one really rainy, Scottish day so that they could appreciate all the glorious days. Well this was the one. Came up with a game plan- walk into Old Town (back up the 400m trek - I am sure walking through Edinburgh is how mountain climbers prepare to scale Mount Everest) and then a light brunch and then to our St. Mary’s Close tour. Jen and I got ready - hair and make up - check check. Two steps out the door and hair and make up was redundant. The rain was sideways. We passed by a weeping willow that was not only weeping but it looked like a dog after having a bath - the wind was blowing so hard from every direction that it looked like it was trying to shake the rain off. I would have taken a video because it really was quite impressive but I was afraid I would lose my phone in the wind or lose my will to walk further and turn around and head back to the safety of our little apartment.

I do actually have to go back to our apartment. This is the last time we have access to a washing machine for our holiday and that washing machine is working so hard it is making the front left tire look lazy. Notice I only said, “washing machine”? No mention of a dryer? Our flat currently looks like a Chinese laundry mat. There are clothes hanging from every possible place. 

So back to our sojourn into the city. We tried to knock a couple more pubs off our To Do list but, apparently, everyone else in Scotland has the same idea. The pubs were packed. Literally standing room only. We needed to venture a little further off the Royal Mile to find lunch, but what a great place we found. Ryan and I each ordered this lunch that was so amazing I know I will be thinking about it for the next few weeks. It was crispy fried, thick cut French fries, topped with the most perfectly cooked macaroni, topped with chunks of spicy battered deep fried chicken that had been fried so the outside was crispy but the chicken was juicy, topped with battered deep fried jalapeños that had been stuffed with cream cheese and then the entire meal was drizzled with melted cheese. Oh. My. God. If I am ever on death row and offered my last meal - that is it. Anyway, we were hoping, praying, that the storm would abate while we were eating our carb infused lunch, nae nae. This storm was just heating up. The struggle we had endure was just the precursor for the shit show that was happening outside. No disrespect to Hurricane Fiona but I do believe that Edinburgh was on the grips of its own Hurricane. We left the sanctuary of our little pub (August37 if you are ever in the city - mention my name and get a 15% discount) and we ventured out. Keep in mind we had to walk about 70 yard to our underground (thankfully) tour. Once we turned the corner onto the Royal Mile the wind and rain were battering us so hard that the 70 yards we had to walk took us 10 minutes. The Royal Mile was deserted, this NEVER happens, this street is usually TEEMING with tourists. 

Safely did our underground tour - this was our second time doing it and it was even better then the first. Also highly recommended. Took us about 45 minutes through the labyrinth of tunnels under Edinburgh to see how residents lived 200 years ago in Edinburgh. The guide that toured us was playing the role of Robert Ferguson, who was a poet that inspired Robbie Burns. He was very disappointed that no one knew who he was, and I felt like a philistine. I am buying a book of poetry by Ferguson and brushing up on my Scottish poetry. Anyway while he was touring us he was giving us a little bit of his own history. At one point, my mind had wandered a bit, and he said that he had fallen and had quite a bad concussion that required him to be hospitalized in the local insane asylum for a time. I had to quickly double check that “Robert Ferguson” was institutionalized not “Matt” the real name of our guide. He was so good, it was easy to be transported back to the 1600’s during bubonic plague outbreak. All the while, my friend, Jen, who has recently developed a scratchy throat, was trying not to cough. We emerged from our underground tour to…..🌞! Blue skies and sunshine! Like the Hurricane never happened! Jen and  I did some light shopping and bought the most beautiful cashmere scarves. The went and met the boys for a beer at the Black Bull. It was at the Black Bull that Fuzz discovered gin. We are not sure if he loves Jen or gin because after a few he says both words the same! Stopped at another pub, then another on our way to The Tolbooth Tavern for supper. A mediocre supper at beast. The colour of the broccoli was reminiscent of the colour of the skin of the bubonic plague victims we had seen earlier. Then a couple more pubs on the way home….only to realize I  no longer had my beautiful cashmere scarf. 🙄. One last pub and then home to our Chinese laundromat. House was 28 degrees Celsius and clothes were still damp.

September 29

Woke up to a magical view, and Ryan and I in twin beds. We had pushed them together but they were on wheels so they were like curling rocks. Those beds pushed around that room like crazy. 

Woke up and went for breakfast. A Scottish breakfast, by definition a Scottish breakfast can feed an entire Scottish football team. Baked beans, Fried potato scones, fried mushrooms, fried tomato’s, black pudding, fried egg, sausages, bacon and haggis. Yep, that’s breakfast. For 1! 

Tried to leave Glencoe, but the fucking paparazzi were there! There was a film crew on the road and they wouldn’t let us through. Fuzz tried to explain that we were part of the crew but he could convince the security guy so we waited. While we waited the boys played a game of crib, while I blogged in the backseat (please see Sept 25th blog…) and Jen contemplated getting a helicopter so she wouldn’t have to ride in the backseat of the Skoda chariot we were riding in. Okay, game on, we got through… 

Again, screwed up on my days - this was the day we played crib and Jen and Ryan beat us. Fuzz was driving and he estimated we did 100 traffic circles. I think we may have done 120. The boys are doing exceptionally well driving/navigating. Our only wish is that they were mute, but you can’t have everything. 

Stirling Castle was our first stop. Pretty stunning from the road. We did a tour. So much quieter then when we were here in 2018. It is a great castle with so much history but after they other castles Darren and Jen were not dazzled. 

Next, National Wallace Monument. Great monument - terrible stairs. Terrible. 246 circular stone stairs that are approximately 36 inches wide. With people coming up and down. When you meet someone on that stairs, you tuck in, start praying and hold on for dear life. The East Indian family, all 16 of them, pass by you and you continue, as quickly as my fat legs will take me. But we made it to the top and saw where William Wallace kicked the English asses at the Battle of Bannockburn. Impressive. Almost as impressive as me making it to the top. For the second time. 

After Fuzz saw the length of Wallace’s sword (an impressive 6 foot long sword) Fuzz said he would have drug that into the battlefield and said, “Okay, fuckers let’s do this” as all 4’4” of him lifted the 6” sword. (I think he would have lasted 8 minutes). We also laughed at Ryan, the soldiers were fed 4 ozs of bread and sent to fight. Ryan would have deserted by 10:45 a.m. 

Then to the Kelpies. I love them but Darren and Jen were still mesmerized by the Wallace Monument. 

Now to Edinburgh. God bless the boys. They did so well. We are seriously in the heart of Old Edinburgh. Got to our townhouse- a little searching to find this little gem. And we discovered the Achilles heel - parking. Holy shit parking. Last time we were here I had the foresight to book a house with parking, this time I thought we could “wing it”, nope, never think you can wing parking in Edinburgh. I think it is easier to find a burial plot in this city than to find a parking spot. Spoiler alert: we paid £38 ($59 CDN) for parking for 1 day, and, God bless, evenings and weekends are free! Unloaded everything and then realized I only booked an apartment with 1 bathroom (more about this later). 

Settled in and then headed into Old Town for supper. Jen and I discovered gin. Gin and soda. This is a whole new new world, the gin world is about to take an uptick in sales. Invest now! Walked into Old Town - about 1.5 kms but about an elevation gain of about 300 metres. A little searching and we meet Delbert and Jan. All Delbert stories are great ones and this was no exception. Great to see them! 2 pubs with them and then we stumbled home….1.5 kms and down 300 metres. If I am not skinny by the end of this trip then there is no God in heaven. 

(Temporary Backup) September 28

We woke up in our little flat in the very rainy Isle of Skye. The very lovely lady that manages the flat was ever so helpful and had a tire pump that increased our front left tire from 9 pounds up to a healthy 16.5. So still going, that front tire is my new best friend. 

Anyway, we went to the amazing Flodigarry Hotel that we cancelled last night. So much better coming in the daylight, this hotel was beautiful. Jen asked why I didn’t book that hotel. Well Jen, the Airbnb I booked was a two bedroom, one bathroom for $235 for both of us. The Flodigarry was $1,100 per room per night. That’s why Jen. But honestly, beautiful. So I highly recommend if you have a grand to blow you should look into this lovely hotel. 

Okay, we have to leave the isle. Had a stopover at Kilt Falls. I am still looking for a Visual Designer but until then: 

so beautiful, us and the 85 other people thought so. 

We broke a golden road trip rule….we travelled the same road twice. but, quite honestly, if you were ever going to take the same road twice, this is the one.  Beautiful both ways. 

Also, made the cemetery that Fuzz passed (stupid idiot) and it was beautiful. Couldn’t even find the oldest grave  it we did find this: 

The church and cemetery was 1050 but thought to be in use 300 years before. So…mike drop…winner, winner, chicken dinner. 

Stopped for lunch in the most Stanley Hotel -esque (from The Shining) from Scotland. Desolate, but beautiful. Fuzz says, “Everything looks like a calendar”. So we played crib (again) Ryan and Jen vs Fuzz and I - and Ry and Jen won. Chicken Potato and Leek soup. I’m making it when I get home. Let me know if you’re coming over.

On to Glencoe. I know I’ve said it before but Holy. Fuck. Beautiful. I have to do a little preface on this story - I booked all the hotels, Airbnb’s, castle tours, vehicle, route, supper reservations, pretty much down to every hour. But a few days before we left, I did make confirmation calls. All was well….until I made the call to Bridge of Orchy hotel - yep, confirmed the reservations for September 29th. Wait. What. Seriously. What the fuck?! I don’t think I can can convey the level of panic that I suffered from. I was sitting at my desk at the plant and I yelled, “FUCK!!” “Fuck!” “FUCK!” I was losing my mind. You have to understand that I booked these hotels 3 months ago and it was a struggle. A. Mother. Fucking. Struggle. Now I need to book 2 rooms within a 10 day window. I finally found 2 rooms….but 1 of them had 2 twin beds and I jumped all over them. My expectations were low for the quality and location of these rooms. I’ve never been so surprised. It was 10x’s better than my first pick. I will share the view from our room: 

This is actually the view from the drone. This is the first time I’ve flown the drone and I’m so glad I did. But I was freaking out a bit about the possibility of losing the drone. I flew up a mountain into a shelter or a shelter like thing. This is the closest I’ve ever flown to anything and if I crashed up there I would have felt really bad for Ryan when he climbed up there to retrieve it. 


We sat outside and played cards when this fairly drunk Scot stumbled by and did a quick (well, as quick as you can do when you’re shittered) and he wanted to know what we were playing, how you dealt it, how you counted points, how much we were betting, the game he played when he was young, asked if he could play…. After 40 minutes Jen and I snuck into her room to make martinis. And hide. We peeked out from behind the curtains, as discreetly as possible, to see our husbands fully entertained by this fella. 

We went for supper to the pub and it was so much fun. Met an Irishman, an English couple in a caravan, a 2 year old Labrador named Jasper, a Border Terrier named Sandy and a couple form Idaho. Any guesses to which ones we would have voted off the island….it rhymes with Ridaho…..

September 27

Dear Momsie,

I have to begin with an apology, I am not only the writer but I am also the editor as well as the publisher, the marketer and dabble in promotions. Recently I have taken on the role as a Business Development, so, SOMETIMES, details slip through, as well as grammatical errors, spelling mistakes and throw into the mix that this is a whirlwind tour, then you can understand that I found an error in yesterday’s blog. Urqhart Castle has NOT been rebuilt. That is Eilean Donan Castle. Anyway….

Back to The Loch Ness Inn - we wake up and have to pack 250 pounds of luggage DOWN the stairs. Pack then repack the car - all in the pouring rain. Off we go again! On our way to Isle of Skye. We drove through the most unbelievably beautiful valley - waterfalls. Waterfalls everywhere. Spectacular. 

Stopped at Eilean Donan Castle. This is the castle that was rebuilt in the early 1900’s. The castles all have huge fireplaces and we questioned how much heat they putout. Eilean Donan had a fireplace going and it was toasty. I could sit there with a glass of wine and a good book. But I would be yelling at all the tourists to bugger off. This castle is still privately owned, so my next marriage will be to a Macrae (Barb Schooler, I might need an in!). 

Over the the Isle of Skye. Get ready Jen - this is going to be rough. We are going to do as much of the island as possible. The isle is only 80 miles by 40 miles but 1 mile here takes 20 minutes. You are on a one lane trail, with regular passing places (if you meet a vehicle it is a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to see who is pulling over so the other vehicle can pass), watch for sheep that are everywhere (we have decided they are not as in predictable as the deer are at home), potholes that will swallow a car (God bless our front left tire - it is taking a shit kicking) and all the while trying not to spill our beer in the backseat while I distract Jen from another anxiety attack. 

Arrived at our Airbnb, finally. It was a long day. The Airbnb was pretty basic and only 1 bathroom so we play rock, paper, scissors to determine poop schedules. Quickly decided to cancel our supper reservations - sick of being in the car! Played cards for a couple hours and then called it a night. 

September 26

Another stay over - it’s going by so fast! We had to stop for petrol and we followed a little blue van into the station. He took the pump on our side so Ryan had to whip around and back up to the nozzle so we could fill. A wee old man got out of the van and came up to Ryan and Fuzz and said, “I’m sorry, I believe I pinched your pump” Jen and I had a little giggle. Very friendly.

On to Culloden and it was pissing down rain, then it wasn’t, then it was a light rain, then it was pissing down rain. Walked through the museum and it is very sobering. Very sad chapter in Scottish history. This time when we toured they had people talking about the weapons and how the Scots attacked. Very interesting. 

Stopped in Inverness for soup and a pint but the pub was our least favourite so far. Needless to say we only had a pint there and moved on. We had to go to The Clansman on Loch Ness for a beer (it was a non-negotiable instruction from my mom). When I typed in “The Clansman” for directions Wikipedia came back with - “a romantic novel an out the Klu Klux Klan”….. I had to reread it. 🤨 Not sure about that one but I think I’ll give the book a miss. Pulled in to park and the Parking Warden came over to chastise Ryan about his parking. He had to move over 4 inches then back 2 inches, all the while this man is standing behind the vehicle while muttering under his breath, he did not find us as entertaining as we find us. Had a glass of wine and a bowl of soup while looking out over Loch Ness but no sightings of Nessie. 

Down the road a little further to Urqhart Castle. No problem with our park job there. Walk through the castle that was rebuild in the early 1900’s - to the tune of £20 million pounds. Did not dampen Darren’s dreams of building a castle. We left the castle and did some light shopping at the gift shop, of course we were highly encouraged to shop by the boys. They love it when we shop. Especially when it is for souvenirs. 

Fuzz was driving and, being slight hard of hearing and extremely bad at listening, he missed the old church and graveyard we asked him to stop at. We have new instructions- yell louder and sooner. So now it’s like Jen and I have Tourette’s- just yelling out random things. The boys love it! Souvenir shopping and back seat yelling. Who knew?! 

Back into Drumnadrochit to our hotel. A quaint little Inn where we had to pack 250 pounds of luggage upstairs. The good news is we only had to go back down the stairs for supper. We went down to have our pre-supper martini only to be told they don’t make cocktails and then they made cocktails for the boys. So no martini. Each couple ordered a Roasted Half Chicken to share. The portions were huge! Supper got a 10, cocktails got a 3. Played cards for 10 minutes and called it a night.

September 25

Dear Momsie,

Terrible beds. Jennifer’s pillows were big and cushy and our pillows were flat and awful. We had no coffee but we had instant coffee and it was bearable. But just. But it was such a cute little Croft that you couldn’t complain. Jen woke up and Ryan was already up - he started the fire, started laundry, had a poop and was in the shower by then. But laundry - no idea how to run these machines. It is, theoretically, like the machines in our motorhomes but these machines have 18 settings. I wish I was kidding but that is the Gods honest truth, 18 mother fucking settings. How knows how to run these?! You need a Masters Degree in Laundry Machining Engineering. Needless to say we don’t and - Every. Fucking. Load. Was. Wet. Luckily, this little home had fireplaces and used those to dry clothes…..circa 1723…

No breakfast (breakfast before a scotch distillery tour is for losers!) and on our way. Fuzz was behind the wheel this day. And away we go to Glenfiddich. Showed up. Beautiful. Amazing. Can’t wait to tour this piece of heaven…..DENIED ENTRY! Who knew that reservations were necessary?! Fuck the Popo! We bought a bottle and drank in the parking lot! Just kidding, we called 3 different distilleries before we found one that would accept 4 desperate Canuks! Just kidding- 1 desperate (Ryan), 1 enthusiastic (Jen), 1 pressured (me) and 1 indifferent (Fuzz). And as a luck would have it Cardhu Distilleries accepted the challenge. But first lunch at Craigellachie, Aberlour. So good and we met the tallest Scot I have ever seen - 6’ 7”! Food was good - Ryan had Roast beef dinner with Yorkshire pudding, Jen had Tomato Basil soup, Fuzz had Fish and chips and I had a Salmon sandwich, but, most importantly, we had 4 pints. 

On to the distillery - again Fuzz, our fairly virgin driver was following directions from 3 navigators and did amazingly well! Arrived at Cardhu - I was almost killed by flying appples, but my amazing ninja skills saved my life, and met up with our tour group. 2 gay (sorry, blog break - just dropped my iPad so Jen could top up my wine glass with beer because I’m done with wine, whole Jen is talking about buying the same kind of couch we are sitting on - just so the audience knows the struggles I deal with while blogging!) back to the story 2 gay Bostonians, 1 Floridian (who tried to be Fuzz’s best friend) and 7 East Indians. Jen and I were so worried about Ryan conversing about with the East Indians that we couldn’t really enjoy the tour. At the end we get 6 drams of scotch in a beautiful tasting room. Ryan and Fuzz (on their honeymoon) sat across from Jen and I so we had control no over their behaviour. When Jen and I sat down on those incredibly slippery stools we both looked at one another and suffered from immediate PTSD. We looked behind us to see what we would knock over if we went down - it distracted us from enjoying our whisky. But as much as we were clenching our asses to those seats our entire focus was on Ryan. All the East Indians were chatting to one another and Ryan’s lips were moving constantly - the conversation the voices in his head were having that were trying to come out - and every fucking one of them with an East Indian accent! In the meantime, Jen and I are trying to be cool, sipping whisky “ out the bottle, not thinking’ ‘bout tomorrow” 🎶 - seriously - sipping whisky out of crystal glasses and they encourage you to sip water (not unlike Jen does for me on a daily basis) and we tip the water glasses up, and keep tipping, and keep tipping and then realize the water glasses are empty. And the East Indians are all laughing at us. And there we are - asses clenched, holding on to those seats, gagging whisky down, trying to be the fucking rock stars we are. So whisky tasting went well! 

Back to the house, martini by the fire then to Tomintoul for supper. Great dinner, but I was so excited about the Highland Cow display they had 4 years ago, and low and behold, THE FUCKER WAS GONE! Nope, the lady said they sold it for £120! Fuck me! I would have paid £200 for it (don’t tell Ryan). Meanwhile Ryan was so excited about the huge bottle of Tomintoul Whisky they had on display, and low and behold the fucker was SOLD, for £16,000?! The bottle was on the Guinness Book and it was gone - but we would buy the cow before we ever spent the money on that Scotch!

Back home and played cards. Then to bed.

September 24

Dear Momsie, 

Oh-oh. Jen and I woke up with a hangover. And today is a big day. Firstly, we have to pack up and move out. Secondly, we need to have a fairly significant drive and third, we are so sad to be leaving Stonehaven. We had to be out of our amazing apartment at 11:00 am. We were out at10:59:59. Stumbled down the stairs with our 250 lbs of luggage and crammed ourselves into our Scottish station wagon and headed out. We took a slight detour to Craigievar Castle and while we were waiting for our tour to begin Jen bought a carbonated water and I had a cup of tea. We needed to settle our bellies and recalibrate. I have to do a quick side note, if you’ve ever ridden in a vehicle with Jen you know she is very anxious in a vehicle. She must have died in a horrible car crash in a previous life because she is always expecting impending doom. If it’s windy she is worried, if it’s icy she is grabbing onto door handles, God help you if you are with her on the Trunk Road and you meet another vehicle!! Well, Scotland has been rough on her! We average 50/50 - 50% of our roads are 2 lane and 50% are 1 lane with “Passing places”. Needless to say she inhales suddenly and says “Jesus Fuck” alot! 

Okay back to Craigievar - great tour led by Dave, who was very entertaining. Had to hear the mandatory ghost story - back in the day there was a Forbes girl whose father was the Laird of Craigievar Castle. She had a boyfriend and she finally confessed that he was a Gordon (Michael Rodriguez, pay attention - you know this isn’t ending well) so her father was furious (Forbes and Gordon’s were sworn enemies) so he waiting upstairs for the aforementioned Gordon to arrive. When he boy did arrive he was told, in no uncertain terms to piss off. The boy, coming from a richer, more affluent family said, no YOU piss off. The angry father pulled his sword and pushed the boy to the window, all the while with the sword tip pressed against his throat. At the window he was given an option - be run through or jump. The window was about 50 feet up from the ground. The boy jumped….and died. There was an attempt to avenge his death but those Gordon’s also died. There are sounds of steps and voices but the young lovers never again meet. I looked out the window….I’d rather be stabbed. 

Anyway back on the road. Not going to tell a lie, I may have contributed to our navigational “detours” but our GPS in the car was not very helpful either. We also stopped at Kildrummy Castle, only a ruin, but still very impressive. Walked around there for a good half hour and then back into the car. Stopped in Strathdon to look through the cemetery. Oldest headstone we could find was 1813. The AGAIN on our way to Glenlivet. Glenlivet to Stonehaven is only 66.4 miles but 1 mile here takes a solid 20 minutes. Arrived at our little croft in the country, unpacked, poured a drink and cancelled our dinner reservations! We ordered takeaway and convinced the boys to go get it. Played cards and shut it down at about 11:00. 

September 23.2

Dear Momsie, 

September 23 requires 23.2 because I forgot a story. While we were on our unescorted tour through Fraser Castle, we were in the chapel. The chapel was maybe, at best, 10x10, AT BEST. The chapel where hundreds of people have worshipped for hundreds of years. A haven, an area where you confess you sins, a sanctuary- I walked through they absolutely worst stench known to man or womankind. We were shuffling around one another in this small room. I had just squeezed by Fuzz and I smelt something that was sulphurous and offensive. I turned to Fuzz and said, “Fuzz! You are disgusting!” And I quickly exited the room searching for fresh air. Fuzz giggled and on we moved on. 

The next day Darren and Jen were giggling and Jen confessed!! We all laughed and then the vehicle went silent and Fuzz said, “I thought it was me.”

September 23

Dear Momsie,

I am so sorry I haven’t written in a couple days but it is a full time job being a Holiday Event Planner, especially when you always show up to work hungover from the previous event! I am exhausted and it is only Day 4 of our 24 Day Holiday-Palooza!

We woke up at a respectable 9:00 am and had a light breakfast - toast and Mimosas and then went for a walk to the harbour. I had to show them the harbour in a)daylight and b)when we weren’t doing a alcohol fuelled pub crawl. Then back to the apartment to get ready to visit Drum Castle. On our way to Drum there was a little heart pounding incident where there was screeching of brakes and violent horn honking to avoid an accident but, no worries, all was well and Jen did not poop her pants. Drum Castle is undergoing some repairs to the tower so the visual impact was somewhat lessened. However we signed up for the tour and did a quick stroll around the grounds - saw the chapel, the cemetery where 10 generations of Alexander Irving’s were buried and the PET CEMETERY! All the animals had their own headstones, even the 145 year old turtle! The tour was very overcrowded and not nearly as enjoyable as Fyvie. 

We left the castle, now searching for a pub. Did not need to search long (quick side note: castles and pubs are fairly easy to find) and we found Garlogie Inn. We knew we picked right when we went in and it was packed. We had to sit outside, which initially was a wonderful idea but the looming black clouds that were rolling in indicated a possible change in seating was going to be required. Again, the Gods were on our side and they found us a table inside, we ordered our meal and the skies opened. The first real rain we have had on a island renown for its rain, so doing well. Had an amazing lunch and we were visited by the resident dog, Eddie, who brought his ball to Ryan. The dogs in this country are so well behaved. I think I might ship my puppies here for a lesson. 

Fuzz took a turn at driving. He did very good. He was reminded regularly, “Left, left”. Anyway off to Fraser Castle. No guided tour there. We toured on our own. They do have guides throughout the rooms to answer questions. We were chatting with one lady and Jen asked if she has ever seen any ghosts. She said she was in the same room we were talking to her in and she said she heard 2 other guides on the stairs that were talking to one another. When she went back downstairs later the ladies were there and said they had never been in the stairs. We walked to the top of the castle tower, 120 ft, and looked out around the countryside. We also decided that the circular stone staircases are not safe and would definitely be outlawed in Canada. 

Drove to Portlethen and bought some wine and flowers to Nics’ house to have a visit. A visit that quickly turned into a party. Darren and Jen got to meet more of my Scottish family. Tony, Niro, Noah, Julie, Ian, Ivy and Indie. Nicola had the most amazing charcuterie board that would have fed 85 people. Puts all charcuterie boards I have ever made to shame. The boys headed home without us girls. When we poured ourselves into the taxi to come home and I had the nicest visit with the cabbie. We were greeted at the door by Darren (he “claims” I bit him but there was no evidence the next day so I think he is a liar) and that was it! Day 2 in the books. 

Still September 22

Dear Momsie,

I cried today. 16 times. Once because Ryan was scaring me driving. Once because I didn’t have beer. 14 times because Roy hugged me. Roy is my dad’s best friend and I love him (dad and Roy) and it was such a moment for me. When I paid the bill even the waitress asked if I was okay. And I said no. No, I don’t cry. I don’t have those emotions. Only with Roy. Fuck me, he makes me cry. And then cried when Jen broke a bottle of wine. She said she didn’t break it, it “fell” out of the fridge. But that fucker shattered. 22 minute mop/vacuum job and it was cleaned. 

We did visit a castle today. The boys dropped us off at the door and went to park (there was a 86 minute detour while I was giving directions and I swear to God, i wish I could give a google map view of our route because it was spastic) but we got there. When we got there this lovely lady (like a REAL lady, like you would never say fuck in front of her. Like, she suggested that we go to the Tea Room and Jen and I smiled and said, “That sounds lovely”). Anyway when Jen and I were dropped off, the lady said we missed the tour and we could catch the 3:15 tour I looked at her and was about to say, “ I’m sorry, that’s far too late for us” but Jen said, “That’s only 20 minutes, we will do it”. My jaw dropped. I thought it was, at best, 1:00. At. Best. At. Fucking. Best. Holy shit, I went through a time warp. I had a serious conversation with my travel mates to say - Get. Your. Shit. Together. We cannot waste any mornings away (Fuzz didn’t get up until 11:00). Our time is scheduled to the minute. To. The. Fucking. Minute. I already had a talk about tomorrow. Stay tuned to tomorrow’s schedule and be prepared to be amazed. Anyway, castle. Fyvie Castle. It got a 10/10 from Fuzz. He loved it. He was excited that he could walk through every door without ducking. But this castle has a dark history. This fucker (Catholic) couldn’t divorce his wife, who gave him 5 beautiful daughters but no son. So he “fell in love” with his wife’s niece. So he locked her in a turret and starved her to death. (Fuzz said he locked her up because she cried to much). That Catholic fucker couldn’t divorce her so he starved her to death in the same house as her daughters. I want to have séance and talk to him, fucker. 

We also chatted and, as we are 7 hours ahead of Rocky, we can see the future. So if anyone wants to know the 7 49 numbers, for a percentage, we will tell you the numbers. 

Anyway,  Momsie, stayed tuned. 2 castles tomorrow.

September 22…10:00 in Scotland…

Dear Momsie,

So last post I forgot to mention a few things. Firstly, Jen. She is a little high maintenance. We were having lunch before our flight from Calgary and we were worried about her and her bowel movements. More importantly, her lack of control over her bowel movements. Basically we were worried about her having a, “Whoopsie poopsie”. I did mention Depends. But to be honest, I wasn’t sitting beside her on the plane so it really was more of a Jen problem than a Stacy problem. But good news! Entire flight and no 💩! Actually, all day and no 💩! She’s almost ready to take in public. 

We also found the hash tag for our lives…#teamnokids. But before our children get upset, we love you but we are living our best life! 

I am currently acting as camp leader (NOT camp counsellor!) and with the incredible amount of responsibility I am shouldering I have a binder. Well, The Binder. 

It is very important that I know where the binder is at all times. If we lose the binder then we are screwed. I do have some control over the crew when I have the binder. I am also the financial director. I am carrying the kitty. It is an unbelievably easy job. I have discovered that when you hold the money that they follow you. It worked very well last night when Jen and I went on a pub crawl. More about the pub crawl later. 

Our vehicle rental. I am so sad we didn’t take pictures of this catastrophe. I rented a “mid-size” SUV. We were given a Hyundai Tucson. When the back hatch was opened we all stood in silence, mentally doing the mathematical calculation that was required to fit our four 50lbs suitcases, our two carry ons, 2 large backpacks and The Binder. This is the moment when you know we need a camera crew following us. The boys, God bless them, tried, tried and retried. Jen and I were emotional support in the background. I would like to think our input was perceived as constructional, but in all honesty, it could have been “nagging” or “bitching” as the boys defined it. Anyway, with some quick negotiations we are reassigned with a station wagon. We’re are pretty much 2022 version of National Lampoons European Vacation. Ryan is Clark, Jen is Ellen, Fuzz is Russ and I am Audrey. I know I did mention this in my last blog but I didn’t give it the credence it deserved. 

More about the pub crawl. We walked down to the pub last night, beautiful night - warm with a light breeze. When we walked in and it was quite busy. There was a table beside another couple but the tables were close, like so close we were pretty much eating with them. Naturally, we introduced ourselves and then apologized. They live in Netherly but they lived for 4 years in Calgary. Helen and Keith are our new best friends. I have their phone number. His first question was, “ Are you red necks?” I don’t think I’ve ever been asked that. We all turned and looked at Ryan and answered collectively, “ Yep”. The supper was delicious. I had the creamiest garlicky risotto and cod. We started with mussels for an appie. I think once Keith saw us eating the mussels his question about us being rednecks would have been redundant. We ate the shit out of those mussels. It is all we are talking about this morning. Like I said the boys left us. We went to the pub next door and made friends with George. Kind of friends. He was a bit of a dick. Also, there was a football game on the telly. Ukraine versus Scotland. Scotland was winning (2-0) but I made the mistake of saying, “Poor Ukraine”. Did not go over well. They are very serious about their football. George said, “ You know, when you are visiting a country you should support that team”. I said, “Well Scotland and Putin are cheering.” Anyway, we didn’t last long at that bar. Relative really - “not long” was an hour. Then we headed to the next bar. This is our “Joe” bar. I’m not sure what it is actually called but it was full of older patrons. “Old” is also relative because I think we are all the same age. We were all in our teens when the Berlin Wall came down. We walked in right after the finished their quiz. We were immediately accosted and asked various quiz questions. They were recruiting for tonight’s game and wanted to know our skill level. I answered the Bay City Rollers question correctly and we are now going to the Quiz night tonight. Unfortunately I cannot remember where Quiz night is being held tonight, so, unless they send a car, we might miss it. Jen and I called it a night. We are unsure what time it was because we every watch/phone we have is on a different time zone! 

Okay - Ryan is making a full Scottish breakfast this morning- black pudding, baked beans, fried eggs, bacon and ham and then we are Castle Hunting. I promise more pictures! 

Sept 21

Dear Momsie,

What an adventure! We left Calgary (believe it or not, fairly uneventful!) and we were headed to Amsterdam. 8 hours of bliss, reading and some movie watching and maybe some light napping. We took 2 gravol and a nighttime Advil and up I swear to God, I couldn’t finish my wine. Seriously. I poured my red wine into Ryan’s glass and I dozed off (if you ask any of my travelling companions I “ passed out”) but I had a fucking uncomfortable 7 5/8 hour sleep on our 8 hour journey. Needless to say everyone else slept an average of 45 minutes (roookies) but I can tell you it is currently 12:48 am and everyone else is out cold and I am up writing to you. We arrived in Amsterdam and played 5 games of crib and had a round of small beers, a round of medium beers and around of large beers - Fuzz and I were partners and we lost. I honestly believe if we could have had round of extra large beers we might have taken the championship, but we had to board the plane to Aberdeen. We got on the plane and headed back North. Aberdeen is a second home. Once we landed, I sighed, and knew people I love and who love me are here, my happy place. Well, until we got our rental vehicle. Nope. A Hydia will not do, We Jenga-ed the shit out of that vehicle and our luggage would NOT fit in that vehicle. Back in to the retail store, some slight “negotiations” and we are paying an extra $30/day for a vehicle that is so uncool that Brad Pitt himself would not get laid in. If it wanted to be cool it would be a station wagon, but it isn’t. It is a wanna-be station wagon. But (side note….) Darian, Dekker and Michael - it is from the Skoda family so you know we will be in good hands 🤪 So we are away….to the nearest gas station to fill the front passenger tire with air as it currently is at a healthy 3 pounds. Again, away we are, but Ryan and I had 3 “Fuck you” fights before we hit the A90 route we are looking for bound for Stonehaven. We found our Airbnb and I have to say, we have stayed in 20 VRBO’s and 15 Airbnb’s and this is honestly the coolest, most eclectic Airbnb ever (and it has a bidet)! Fuzz had a 20 minute power nap and Ry, Jen and I enjoyed the moment. Now off to our first castle. Dunottar. I need a minute to address my mom. My momma. My Queen. The woman who made me love castles. And Scotland. And cemeteries. And Jacobities. And Bruce Springsteen. She is the only human being that can connect the dots to all of those things. Love you mom and you are here, every step of the way. And so is dad. Walking up the hill from Dunottar is dad, every step. 

Anyway, tour is over…quick stop at the wine store (£160) and the grocery store and back to the apartment for quick game of cards and the walk to the harbour for supper. Momsie, you know that Ryan struggles to stay awake at the best of times, but at the worst of times (28 hours with no sleep), he is head bobbing at the table. We are all trying to engage him in conversation but, for once, he has nothing to say. Head Bob, eyes rolling back, slight slobber at the side of his mouth and you know if that fucker goes down it is taking a picker and a six man crew to take him to bed. It was touch and go, pretty stressful for everyone but me. I used my old tactic- kick him under the table and tell him to, “Wake the fuck up” - it worked for 12 minutes. He ate then stood up and announced that he was leaving. Poor Fuzz was torn, wanted to back up his buddy, wanted to support Jen and I and also wanted to call it a night. God bless him he stayed with us……for 18 minutes……until we got to the next pub and he left us. I cannot be 100% sure but I think his parting words were, “Fuck you bitches, I’m going home” but cannot swear that in a court of law. It might have been, “Love you ladies, have a great night”. Really - same same, so - us lovely ladies had a great n. 2 more pubs, 4 more life long friends and we made it home. 

I know there were other stories to share, but, unfortunately, I can’t remember them, so I share end here for know.

Yours truly, with much love and affection 

Previously Known As Princess Stacy - Know Queen Stacy.

Holidays…Day -1….

Weeks of planning, hotels booked, Airbnb’s booked, vehicle rented, tours confirmed, house sitter’s arranged, dog’s farmed out, money exchanged, weight lost (just kidding - collectively, 18 pounds gained 🙄) and tomorrow is the big day! Scotland here we come. My greatest wish is to meet Trudeau in the Amsterdam Airport and he is “accidentally” strangled by the microphone cord that he used to sing Bohemian Rhapsody before the Queen’s funeral. A girl can dream….

Momsie, I have decided everyday my blog will be a letter home to you. You can travel with us, be our silent guide. Our moral compass. The wind beneath our wings. We may need advice, an alibi or a shoulder to cry on, after all, we are travelling with our husbands for 24 days, God help us. 

I have a few questions about packing; why are empty suitcases 22 pounds and you’re only allowed 50 pounds? I have packed 3 outfits and my suitcase weighs 65 pounds. Wtf?! I am kidding, I have packed, roughly 28 outfits, makeup, 3 pairs of shoes, hair product, the drone, 2 swimsuits and the magical electrical adapter, but in my defence we are going to 2 countries with fairly significant temperature differences. I think the 50 pound rule is one of the dumbest ever. If you fly Business you get 70 pounds! 70 POUNDS!?! Where is the justice?! So….I am upgrading to Business. I think it is probably what Ryan would want. I will also need a Sherpa, I can only hope that KLM offers Sherpas. But, again, focusing on the positive, we are not flying Air Canada.

Well, wish us luck and remember that we may need bail money in Sterling and/or Euros. 

July 7

I am the worst blogger ever, but in my defence, very little goes on in my life that is bloggable. Also, bloggable is not a word that my iPad understands. Anyway, in 75 days (but who is counting?) we go on an epic holiday (stayed tuned for future blogs) and I am trying to understand reels.

I have to have full disclosure- my major was I.T. Believe me when I say no one understands less about computers, computer programs, PRI’s, IP addresses, servers, mother fucking reels on Instagram than I do!! I am pathetic. I need to be on the top of my game for our holiday, so tonight I am doing some “light” research. I thought it was a great opportunity to share my findings.

So, I believe I did share it am an IT major, so I started my research…. I typed into the search bar (sorry, for all you non-techs types, I’ll take it slow…)

1. “How” - yep this was the beginning of my search. Immediately Google tries to help me. This was the responses:
1. How many weeks in the year? 
2. How many litres in a gallon?
3. How did Elvis die?

So…. Who the fuck does not know how many weeks in a year? Jesus?! I have it counted out from Jan 1st - Week 1 - lose 1.5 pounds, week 2 - 1 pound, Week 3 - 2 pounds… Honest to God, if I ever followed through I would be 98 pounds BY WEEK 52!!!! 52 weeks in a year! And spoiler alert - I GAINED 8 POUNDS BY WEEK 5!

How many litres in a gallon? Good question - 2.2 is always my answer (which, btw, drove my dad mental!) It is 2.2 pounds per kg. Litres in a gallon is, I think 4. We do this math when we go to the states to figure out how badly Canada is screwing us on fuel taxes, but I usually get sidetracked with how cheap the beer is and that you can buy it in the gas station.

How did Elvis die? How fucking young are people that ask this question?! If you ask the question you do not deserve to know the answer. Ugh! Fucking Millennials! 

K, back to the problem at hand - how to make a reel…. Continuing with my typing…

1. “How do” - okay, google again is trying to help…
1. How do I get monkey pox?
2. How does monkey pox spread?
3. How does the NHL draft work?

So, fucking monkey pox - are we really worried about this? Seriously! (On a complete side note - if you comment about Monkey Pox on this blog I will unfriend you). On a scale of 1 to 10 Monkey Pox scares me about 72. Shingles fucking scale me. Cold sores scare me. Yeast infections scare me! Grizzly bears scare me. My scale scares me.

How does monkey pox spread? I did not go down this rabbit hole - I can only assume licking a monkeys ass would spread the pox. I don’t need google to tell me that is a bad idea.

How does the NHL draft work. 100% legit question. That fucking question has kept me up at night. Thank you google for sharing with me other peoples confusion. And again, fuck you Millennials for making this the number 3 question.

Onwards and upwards….How do I make reel?

1. How do I contact Shaw by phone?
2. How do I pay CRA?
3. How do I take a screen shot?

I think I can safely say Shaw does NOT want to be contacted by phone. 

I think the CRA question was planted by the federal government. Pay online, mail it in or pay at the bank. Or say, Fuck you Trudeau, come and get it. But now that Trudeau has access to all personal comments I want the federal court of law to know that I am joking! But, in all seriousness, Trudeau - put your toes in the St. Lawerence and keep walking.

How do I take a screen shot? Aww, my people. Hold my hand, you little retards, pretty soon we are going to figure out how to make a reel….

1. “How do I make” - okay, here we go…
1. How do I make a payment to the CRA?
2. How do I make buttermilk?
3. How do I make you love me?

Those fuckers are relentless! Fuck off Trudeau - you gave out CERB - no one is paying you back!

One cup milk, one cup vinegar. Or better yet - BUY BUTTERMILK!

Man, this is getting deep. I am an IT major but I will dip my toes into this loaded question. You can’t make anyone love you. You get pregnant and trap them for life. For more true love questions contact me directly.

1. “How do I make a”
1. How do I make a payment to CRA?
2. How do I make an appointment to Canadian Passport?
3. How do I make a post shareable on Facebook?

Trudeau- you now appear needy and desperate. It is embarrassing. Just get someone pregnant so they love you. 

Everyone wants to get the hell out of Canada! Don’t go to the US - the octogenarian men have decided that women have no control over their bodies, don’t go to the Ukraine- Putin decided that no one has control over their bodies, don’t go to England - about to go through some political upheavals (please Lord Jesus, us next) - that leaves 191 other countries to choose from…

So, it is 11:20, I have to work tomorrow so I have to go to bed and now I need to investigate NHL drafts, shareable posts on Facebook and countries to immigrate to. If there are any millennials out there that want to help me make reels I will withhold derogatory comments until after our training session.

 

January 15

So today on Day 44 of Survivor Mexico we took a tour for our Challenge. We went to Motul to go to the Cenote Sambula. When we left the house Jen said we were going to a tsunami and didn’t even question it. We packed the beer cooler and blindly followed her. So we went to the cenote and we were fairly unimpressed - until we met Donna and Sam for lunch and they asked if we swam through the tunnel to the other side. Ummm, what? We could have swam away from the screaming 3 year olds?! Damn! I would have crawled across broken glass to get away from them.

Also, I am suffering from ridiculous blisters from, I assume, bug bites. Thursday they were hideous. My Mexican Doctor Jen diagnosed them as scurvy, then flesh eating disease, then shingles, then spider bites that would rupture and produce baby spiders (basically I am a host) and she then consulted with her Canadian Counterpart, who I believe specializes in feet, Shannon Beagle, and she believes it is staph infection. Regardless, it is disgusting. I will be attaching a photo so please do not look at it while eating. On Thursday I had 10. Today I’m down to 1 - the one Dr. Jen is convinced is full of spider eggs. Darren and Ryan, not my doctors, I didn’t actually do a consultation with them, are both convinced they will have to amputate. Darren said I am no longer Princess Stacy. I am now Pirate Stacy. Unsure what the next few days will bring- I am hoping there is no individual immunity and I can sneak through the next tribal counsel. I’ll keep you posted. 

January 11

So, I am sure that everyone is quite worried about the status of our health concerns. Firstly, we had the Omicron so we only need to isolate/recover/lie for 5 days, less the time change of 2 hours, less the ounces of tequila we consumed for medical purposes, less the weight we have gained to fight the illness, less the hours we have slept in for additional recovery time, plus the night I threw up because I was pretty COVID-y/drunky for overall our recovery time was 16 hours. And we all made it through. But Jesus/Trudeau/West Jet said,”Fuckoff! You’re not invited back to Canada for another 7 days!” So, instead of coming home, in preferred seating, on the 12th, we have shitty seats and we are leaving on the 19th. Yep, fucking Canada is rejecting us. Fuckers don’t reject us on April 30th when it is the tax deadline. Nope, love us then! We would be invited back on the next plane. 

But, we re-booked and the started the next phase of our holiday. I’m not even sure this can be called a holiday anymore. I think this is an Odyssey. But, we had always planned to end our holiday in Holbox. Little did we know that it would be a commercial break in our, now, 24 day holiday…. I know that everyone has heard about The Island Of Misfit Toys? Well this is the Island of Skinny, 6 foot, Incredibly Beautiful, 22 year old, Mostly Lesbian, or Dating European Soccer Star Women. Fuck me! Can someone, please, discreetly, direct me to the Pretty Drunk, Slightly Chubby, Pass Out At The Beach, 50+ Island?! For the love of God, it is ridiculous! Even Darren asked, “Is there a mold for the women?!” But most of them have resting bitch face. Apparently it is painful to be 20, skinny and beautiful. 

But I digress, we arrived on the island as we arrive most places - slightly disorganized, slightly irritated and wondering why we left home (again, in this story - “home” is Darren and Jen’s house in Telchac) we literally had to search for a taxi to take us to our hotel. Then when we found the, aforementioned taxi, we had to convince him to drive us to our hotel. Our hotel that happened to be 500 feet from the dock - but still cost is $200 pesos and 45 minutes. Pretty much set the stage for the next 3 days. Expensive and not as great as D&J’s resort. But honestly, between the torrential downpours and the skinny bitches it has been wonderful. Beautiful beaches, delicious food, gracious people and fantastic friends. We have played 15 games of crib, 8 games of dice, 7 up 7 down and 4 games of Riffle so we pretty much have gained a bronze medal in Middle Age. We have been in bed by 9, complained about the “kids” partying until 1:00 a.m., talked about the midnight fights that woke us up and slept in every day. We are getting pretty good at holidays. Which is good news because we have another 68 days until we pass the physical to get us back into Canada. 

We will be starting Phase 3 of our Mexican Odyssey tomorrow. We have gotten (My English teacher at Mackie Academy would back hand me for using the word “gotten”) pretty good at ordering drinks from our waiter so when we return to Telchac I’m really hopeful that Jordyn will continue to serve us drinks in the manner I have become accustomed to. Sorry, to catch everyone up, when we went to Holbox Jordyn stayed at the house (she too was rejected by Canada). When we drove out of the yard Jord was waving goodbye and thinking, “Thank God they’re gone). 

Anyway, that was a quick update on our Holiday Within A Holiday story. I won’t even start talk about the 5 pound lobster that Ryan and I consumed tonight because I know everyone is already mad because we missed the 63 Day Polar Vortex that Alberta endured but know we too are struggling with weather. 2 rainstorms today that forced us off the beach that the European beauties were on but we all have our crosses to bear…..

Also - while we have been gone Betty White, Sidney Poitier and Bob Saget have died. Wtf - can’t you guys take care of shit while I’m gone?! 

January 7

So today we have concocted an elaborate treasure hunt for the boys. I told them that they are pirates and they have to find the treasure. Jen and I are really working hard at devising these complicated activities to keep them from bothering us. But the good news is they have made some Mexican friends and, apparently, they all share the same passion for digging. We called the  Mexican wives last night and they agreed to let their husbands come over and be pretend pirates again today. I’ll keep you updated on their progress….

January 6

Firstly, Happy Birthday Clinton Casey. I have to rake a quick side note about our Mexico Adventure to discuss. Y childhood. Clinton was my best friend, my hero, the only other person in the world that my Grandma Jean loved and my cousin. We would fight about who was the oldest. We would fight about who was the quickest, we would fight about who Grandma loved the best - I lost them all…..except who Grandma loved the most 😉. That fucker was the oldest - that bothered me until we turned 30! Then suddenly, I was okay with it! I love you Strawberry! Happy Birthday from Grandma’s favourite!! 

So today…. Day 2198 of COVID. We are all okay and we are all no longer contagious. But suddenly we have new problems….. I will attach photos. 

So… we have an issue. I think I poop too big of poops. I think Mexico is not ready for my bowels. The Mayan culture existed for 3,000 years but ended at a Stacy poop. Who knew? Seriously, it is not entirely my fault, I think that Jen’s hair is also an issue. But can I back up our day? Like I backup the Mexico sewer system?

We started slowly, like we start all Mexican days. Easing into the day….do I have a hangover…..is COVID a thing today…do I need to have a coffee or a beer for breakfast? Today was a glorious day - no hangover, no COVID, sunny and hot. So we went on our walk and we’re deciding what the day had in store for us. But wait…..the shower isn’t draining…..scared to flush a poop….who do you call? Ghostbusters? Nope. Sewerbusters! So our current situation is: 

           1. okay to poop

           2. No showering

So that’s fine…. We are washing in the ocean. 

But seriously, it is not a poop issue. 

January 5…Continued….

So I am not sure you guys know that Jord is stuck here with us. Jord is ready to walk home to get away from us. She is currently having an imaginary conversation with the West Jet lady:

West Jet Lady: Hello, can we help you?

Jordyn: Please, please get me out of here. Are you up to date with the current situation?

West Jet Lady: I would love to help you.

Jordyn: I need to get away from these people.

West Jet Lady: How sick are you? 

Jordyn: Not really. I won’t cough for the entire flight.

West Jet Lady: okay, we will get you in first class.

Jordyn: Can you send a chopper to Telchac to pick me up so I don’t have to spend anymore time with them?

West Jet Lady: absolutely, I will do anything I can for you. 

Jordyn: Okay, thanks, my mom wants to talk to you.

West Jet Lady: Okay thanks Jord. Click.

Jen: Hello. Hello? Hello, west jet lady? 

So We are all surviving. Except Jen, she got her period after a year and a half of not having it. So, she is going through menopausal puberty. I’m no doctor but I feel confident diagnosing her. 

And we can’t remember everything. Like the big bottle of white wine that disappeared out of the fridge (my money is on Jord) or the day we ate burgers, or the entire day of Monday or where we got COVID from but Jesus decided we get an entirely new holiday. He is giving us two more weeks in Mexico to figure shit out. So we will either come home with face tattoos or an adopted stray dog or without our husbands. But, honestly, we are still unsure of how we are getting home. But when this is over we are writing a book. How to Survive a Pandemic.

January 5

Okay - quick update…hot, margaritas, hangover, hot, COVID, beer, guacamole….wait. What? COVID?! Yep.COVID. We are no longer just fighting mosquitoes and hangovers - now we fight the ‘Vid. Thank God I’m at my fighting weight!

We all were convinced we had head colds and guess what?! We do! The worst part was yesterday when Jen and I were suffering from a hangover brought on from no where (well not “no where” but we could not remember the 2 martinis, eating spaghetti or the scorpion so we will chalk that one up to forgetfulness) we got our positive results. But good news - convalescing in Mexico is highly recommended. Still 30 degrees, still cold beer and lots of head cold medicine. We should be okay. No sure when we are coming home. Not sure how we are coming home. Pretty sure COVID is NOT a weight loss program. My multiple bug bites are 1,000 times worse than COVID. But don’t worry about us, worry about our husbands! If COVID doesn’t take them it will be shovel they didn’t even hear coming! This is a photo of us recovering…..