December 29

So left -39 degrees Celsius in Calgary to arrive at Telchac (after 16 hours of traveling- but more about that later) anyway, back to arriving at Telchac and the temperature at 11:00 at night was 25 degrees Celsius. That is with a plus not a negative. The drive to Calgary was fucking Arctic. We had the heater cranked on defrost and the windshield was still frosting up and the backseat was so cold that Jen and I did discuss if we hit the ditch we would only have minutes. Minutes to mix another drink while the boys fixed the truck. Anyway, early morning flight…only to wait on the tarmac for an hour and a half while they got the engine on the left wing running. Such was our desire to leave the fucking ridiculous cold Albertan weather that we didn’t care about the dodgy left engine. We had a quick chat and figured we could make it to Mexico with only 1 engine. We were ready to take our chances.

So made it to Mexico - honestly, we were so happy to be here that we were in slight disbelief that there was no snow, no windchill. Not a winter coat in sight. So what did we do to celebrate?! We sat on the tarmac for an hour before we could deplane. We FINALLY pulled up to the ramp to get off that fucking plane and guess what?! We pulled too close to the airport and they had to get someone to push the plane back one foot! One motherfucking foot!! Okay, off the plane, got our luggage, found our driver and then started our drive to the house. Of course, to keep with our theme, there was road construction and it took us an hour later to get to the house. But after everything- it was STILL worth it! I woke up this morning to the song of birdsong, fresh coffee and a walk on the beach and it is wonderful. I forgot that this weather existed. 

So sitting tonight playing dice tonight and Jen and Darren looked at one another and said, “Should we tell her?” Of course I said, you better fucking tell me….. Ya, they think the tarantula is still living here. So I am giving this resort zero stars. Do not recommend. Yes the wine is cold, there is an endless supply of tequila, the weather is spectacular, the pool is clean and cool, the food is amazing but zero stars!! Fucking tarantula. Ryan did inspect the hole, and the expert that he is, has determined that it is either an old hole or not a tarantula hole. I have never depended on his Native tracking skills more.

Just a quick update - as I am sitting here working on my blog trying to lower my tarantula elevated blood pressure something dropped on my head. I jumped up screaming that something landed on my head. Everyone was convinced that I was imagining it…then we hear Jord giggle. She is on the roof with a ponytail tied to the end of a string that she drooped on my head! So definitely not sleeping tonight. 

Dec 11

Well Jen and I just completed our annual girls shopping trip sans girls. Extremely successful. Spent $500 on others and 3x’s that on us! Being Santa is hard. Anyway….the point of our excursion is: 1. Finding Christmas spirit. 2. Drinking Christmas spirit 3. Enjoying an amazing meal. Check. Check and check. But our night did highlight the need for a blog.  Bathrooms. Okay we need to discuss.

Public bathrooms are a bloody crap shoot (no pun intended). Why. The. Fuck. Are. People. Disgusting?! Who raised these people? Have they ever cleaned a bathroom? A list of questions I have….in no particular order.

1. Flushing. You are all going to learn some things about me… why would you ever make a deposit and not flush?  What is the thought process behind that decision? Are you proud of your contribution? Don’t be. I flush and double flush to ensure I am leaving a bathroom in a condition that I would want to see it in.

2. Not sitting on the seat to pee. I’m not sure about your hovering abilities but mine are not strong. When I pee i sit. Why do some people find the need to to not sit (this is not a man vs woman discussion yet…that will be another point) this is strictly for the ladies out there. Covering the toilet seat in toilet paper is not the equivalent to the cleanliness of a surgical room. If a bathroom is clean then sit and enjoy the pee. Squatting on a toilet inlet seat is never acceptable. I once stood in line for an outhouse behind 8 ladies, of a non-determined nationality, and by the time I got to the bathroom it was revolving. Outhouses are always a little sketchy (I am actually going to save that for its only bullet point) but the state of that outhouse was a direct result of theses women’s peeing choices. When you go into an outhouse and there is pictographs explaining how to SIT on a toilet seat to pee I have issues. 

3. Unisex bathrooms or what the fuck ever we call them now. It is the eternal question- toilet seat up or down. The answer is down. And if we are sharing a mother fucking bathroom them I do not want to see pee drips on the toilet seat. Again I think I need to call mothers and ask if this was acceptable in their house. No drips boys. Clean that up before you leave. Like an adult. 

4. Outhouses. I am an Alberta girl. I’ve peed in every outhouse between the Saskatchewan border and the Pacific Ocean (obviously a slight exaggeration) and I have seen some great outhouses and some that should have just been burnt down. Same rules apply - don’t be a disgusting human being. The worst outhouse I’ve ever seen is Harlech. I went out a peed beside the outhouse because I wasn’t going to go for a tetanus shot if I used that outhouse. Darian worked for parks for a couple of years and her outhouse stories scarred me. When people are on probation or guilt of a lesser crime their punishment should be cleaning bathrooms. And picking garbage. Fuck it - I’m running for office. (TBH I just wrote “ruining” not running but whatever) 

5. Peeing by the side of the road. This is actually quite relevant because Jen and I peed on a side road yesterday on our way to Calgary and got caught. When you catch a woman peeing on the side of the road please know she doesn’t give a damn that you are seeing her ass. I speak for the entire female population when I say that when we have to pee we can’t just whip it out and go. There is location issues, clothing issues (God forbid if you’re wearing coveralls), spray issues….the last thing that concerns us is someone driving around the corner. And please, if you are bush peeing shake and complete. Don’t use toilet paper it is not necessary. 

6. Wash your hands. I think there should be someone in a public bathroom to monitor hand washing. If you don’t wash you get an electric shock. Like an elect shock that makes you pee a little. Get back in there and use soap and wash. Boys this applies to you. You just touched your penis - wash your mother fucking hands before touching anything. 

On behalf of all mothers - thank you.

Nov 6 and 7th

So I’m going to be perfectly honest- both days are pretty fuzzy. On the 6th we played cards all day and did not leave the island and today we played cards all day at the island and out on the deck. So same, same. I would like to tell you all on the Shannon-iggins we did but, 2 things: you probably wouldn’t find them as funny as us and I cannot remember most of them. There were 15,000 tears shed and only 17 of them in sorrow, which is amazing because between the 6 of us we have 3 dead dads, 3 dead dogs, 1 divorce, 38 problem children and 1 bad mother-in-law…… so there was only a bit of therapy. And I’m EXHAUSTED from giving out therapy. Whew, these girls are a mess! I think I have done a fairly good job of talking everyone through their issues and they are ready to re-emerge into society and be “fairly” health capacity. I am not sure if everyone appreciates the hours I put into these girls mental health, but suffice it to say, it’s ALOT. So good news, I’m ready to tuen these ladies back into society. They’re ready. Time to push my little birds out of the nest to let them fly. This is my calling. To help.

I love you ladies. Unless we get arrested in Banff. Then I have no fucking idea who you are and don’t hold my hand!

November 5

Warren Kolisnek is such a support. This is his morning text:

Warren: Is it a morning of Polygrip and a vitamin train? Mimosa’s with prune juice? 

And yesterday, when it took us 15 hours to get here:

Warren: “Did you make it tithe geriatric party yet? A weekend of bridge and lawn bowling. Maybe needlepoint in the afternoon with the evenings jam packed with. Good game of bingo”

So laugh is on you! We used to do needlepoint….in our 30’s!? Now our days are filled with (in no particular order): coffee….coffee again when we realized that last night, when we were fairly liquored, we forgot to put the filter in the coffee pot, then a couple beer, then a couple more with Clamato, then a game of dominoes, then we solved world hunger, then we had Caesars, then we were ready for politics, a healthy conversation about socialism versus capitalism (we know where I fall on that subject), the 45 minutes of 80 and 90’s karaoke (at a volume level that is 2 decibels lower than Woodstock), then vodka and Soda’s and we were ready for yoga. A solid 7 minutes of yoga and on to poker and Facebook stalking - which is difficult when your internet connection is spotty. A quick time check and it is 10:08. This is the moment we realize we are 50. We were all awake at 6:30. A.M. In. The. Morning. In the old days this would be when we were going to bed, but now we are awake then because we don’t want to alter our regular schedule. 

We had a very quiet day, where we were entirely responsible and made good decisions. And we are doing a lot of pre-planning for tomorrow. We are taking this shit show on the road. Pub crawl to Golden. God, fucking help us. 

Oh, shit, did I mention the mumu’s?

November 4

Okay, again, in the honor of complete disclosure, this may not be for the of faint heart….Merrly picked us up….,,, LATE!! Yep, late. I’m not sure if everyone knows the rules abut road trips?! You NEVER, NEVER pick up ladies, who are over the age of 23, late. They. Will. Be. Drunk. Was this a secret? In my life I have been pre-road trip buzzing roughly 238 times, and never in my 238 year history have I ever gotten more sober. I know this probably says more about me than it does about me the driver. And I do not think “gotten” is a word, I apologize.

But I regress - Merrily was late.But she drives like a rock star. We were forced 🙄 to divert through Radium. It was awful for me. One more pee break on the side of the road, I know…..awful. We decided that we can no longer do a Chinese fire drill. A 50-year-old-fire-drill is when we all get out of the vehicle, have a pee, refill the cooler and then wander around aimlessly until Merrily herds us all back into the vehicle. 

Anyway -I was trying to tell a story - this is also a near impossible feat - to get through an entire story without being interrupted or forgetting what you were saying. Also, we did have a couple puffs from the medicinal vape so that also made talking difficult. In the middle of my story I announced,”Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore.” Obviously my mouth and my brain weren’t working together, but I definitely didn’t mean to say Oprah.  But it is a true story - Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore, but also true story - she never did call me at home or at work or anytime. 

So when we stopped for our 43rd pee break - we got out, found our spots to pee, Trena re-filled the cooler -again - and we all got back in the truck - had to all search for our phones before we left and then we headed out. Then Trena announced that SHE DIDN’T PEE! Merrily pulled over but Trena said there was a vehicle behind us - Merrily slammed on the brakes and yelled at Trena, “IT’S A YARD LIGHT! GET THE FUCK OUT AND PEE!” And we wonder why it took us 22 days to get to Golden?!

While we driving it dawned on me that I was traveling with my pall bearers so I took the opportunity to give some instructions. Firstly, they are going to have to be strong. As much as I say I’m going to lose weight, let’s be honest, I’ll always be a solid lady. And dead weight, I can’t imagine how heavy I am going to be. Also my coffin - it is going to be heavy - I am worried about my Pall Bearer Team. I have to loose some weight for the girls. I also need to know if they’re right handed or left handed - important in my placement decisions. But there is 5 girls - I need a sixth. And a spotter. Like someone in training just in case one of these bitches breaks a hip or has a hangover. And I want crying at my funeral. Sobbing. Fuckers better be sad when I’m gone. 

Okay - having a coffee and playing marbles so gotta go. 

Nov 4

So, I am doing calisthenics, deep breathing, mental preparation…there is a girl’s weekend brewing…Trena is turning 50. She is the long last in a long run of amazing ladies turning 50. (On a total side note: WTF - how did 50 happen so fucking fast?!) So block me, unfriend me or ignore me….. or get some fucking bail money because shit is going to get real…..)

September 20

So….that fucker made it back in. You know I was almost starting to hope….

But anyway, we are spending a lovely holiday in Victoria. My very wonderful friend Dean McLeod turned 50 and Darian came over to help me celebrate with him. I am so pissed - I took no pictures! Fuck. You know what I did do? Shots! And also Dean, I peed in your driveway while I was waiting for the cab. I’m all class.

But in my hotel room I’m currently sharing with Darian, I have no book to read. But…you know what reading suggestion the hotel gave me? Yep, the bible, the one and only. Now quick side note… Joan - stop reading this blog! 😉

So, please don’t ruin the end of the book - no spoilers, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned…

1. There is three ethnicities- Jews, Greeks and slaves. Pick wisely my friends…
2. There is only two genders - men and angels (but before you pick apparently the dudes are angels as well)
3. Darian asked me, “who was the guy that changed religion? He was German.” I said, “Hilter.” No. Martin Luther (who, btw, was my second guess). Luther said - “let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave” - this confuses me? Is she happy to see him come home because he brought pizza? Is she sad to see him leave because he didn’t empty the dishwasher? The author of this book is not very focused.
4. “Wine is a mocker, a strong drink that turns the wisest man into a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” - firstly, I like that they acknowledge men are worse at holding their alcohol. Second, only when you are drunk do you say what you really want to say. You are pretty wise when you’re drunk - not articulate but wise.
5. “And the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you”” - so for sure God endorses carbs. I fucking called that!
6. Wait, wait - we have a rodeo, “saddle the donkey for me. They saddled the donkey for him and he rode away on it”  it then THEY ATE BREAD TOGETHER! Again with the carbs! 
7. But wait! It gets worse for the donkey guy! A fucking lion met him on the way and killed him?! What? Is this a Tarantino movie? The timeline is all over the place! And the sentence structure is ridiculous.
8. There is a first book of chronicles so I’m kind of excited - I think we are going to go to Narnia right away.

So, the book isn’t that exciting so I skipped to the end to see what happens. I can’t tell a lie. It was slightly sexual and it made me uncomfortable. But I think I need to have full disclosure - we are staying at the Marriott which, apparently is an Evangelical hotel. I’m not sure about the Delta - Buddhism? The Fairmont - catholic? Fuck, now I have to look for a good deal AND what hotel is going to save my soul! But I think might be my first Christian blog. I think I’m pretty good at it. Eat bread and kill the donkey guy! 

September 10

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, my criminal activities have finally been recognized. Al Capone was caught through tax evasion, Ted Bundy was caught stealing a car…how was I caught? I answered my cellphone. Yes, an innocent, “Hello” and my world came crashing down. Here is an informal transcript of my damnation:

Me: Hello? (In a musical, lovely tone, eager to visit with whoever was calling me from Waterloo) 

Waterloo: Hello Anastacia? 

Me (thinking, “fuck, this must be serious?!): Yes?

Waterloo: This is Border Control and we are calling to inform you that there is a warrant out for your arrest.

Me: What did you catch me for? (Thinking of my various crimes)

Waterloo: This call is being recorded.

Me: Good, because I won’t remember what the fuck in confess to.

Waterloo: Recently a package crossed the border addressed to you with more than 4 different kinds of drugs in it, like cocaine and fentanyl and more than $94,000 dollars in it. 

Me: Which border?

Waterloo: THE border.

Me: That makes no sense. I sent the $94,000 to BUY the drugs. What drugs did I get?

Waterloo: Can you spell your name? 

Me: Will you spell it to me and I’ll tell you if it is correct….

Waterloo: WILL YOU PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME?!

Me: (I can read Anna Karina faster than I can spell my name…..this is a side note but can you not agree that when anyone names an innocent child Anastacia Jean Bardenhagen that it is some twisted form of child abuse? I think my mom was punishing me for being born breach. I was 7 before I could spend my name! And, by the way, as a fetus I knew I was going to be born ass first so the world could kiss it, well most of the world, not Waterloo….back to my story) A.N.A.S.T.A.C.I.A  B.E.A.V.E.R.B.O.N.E.S. (Now, I know that Anastacia Beaverbones is not my legal name but my Uncle Wade christened me Beaverbones before I could spell Anastacia and I thought I should honour that by sharing it with Waterloo)

Waterloo: That is not the name we have on file.

Me: Hmmm….that’s strange. I always get my drugs delivered as Anastacia Beaverbones. Is this why I am not getting my Free People packages?

Waterloo: You are buying free people?

Me: Well you cannot buy slaves through the mail….

Then Waterloo hung up on me! So I am sure that the RCMP will show up at any given moment. I might need a lawyer. But on a positive note I am getting at least 4 different kinds of drugs AND $94,000 but, alas, no slaves. 

July 19

I recently got in shit from my mom and Barb Schooler - two women who, normally, I don’t get shit from. Okay, listen, Barb doesn’t give me shit but my mom…..well I sometimes get some passive aggressive shit from her. Anyway, I got in shit for not blogging and - full disclosure - I am: 

1. Lazy
2. Exhausted 
3. Busy
4. Lazy
5. COVID - seriously difficult to blog during a pandemic, and lastly -
6. Lazy

But there are a few things I’d like to share - measuring cups (I’m not talking about this now but it is a future blog so please remind me), COVID (but Jesus Christ I am sick of hearing and/or talking about it), my dog and his seizure (I am not emotionally stable enough for that one yet), my friends (always make me laugh and in the spirit of total honesty - pee a little bit) but right now I would like to talk about 50.

So recently I turned 50. Hard to believe because of my incredible skin elasticity and lack of cellulite, but it is true. Also, my lack of elasticity is due to my natural filler (fat) and my lack of cellulite is directly attributed to my aforementioned natural filler. On a total side note - ladies please say no to filler. I have seen pictures and it is awful - age gracefully- Grey Goose will help.

So anyway- 50. I am so glad I made it through those awkward years - 14 thru 49 - ugh! What a trial that was! Now I am truly an adult. I have been waiting with baited breathe for this age and let me tell you - it did not disappoint. I recognized my inner strength, my vast knowledge and patience was rewarded with an inner peace and tranquillity. I am not ashamed to say that I looked down upon those still unfortunate enough to be struggling through their 40’s and pitied their delusions and unwarranted sense of accomplishment. Oh you children, you just don’t understand the true meaning of life…..

Then dawned day 18,251 of my existence (aka the day after my 50th birthday) and I realized that my warranty expired the day before. My knees hurt, I had an unexplained tingling in my left hand that would not go away, I could no longer see far away OR close up, I had 10,000 fine lines around my eyes, I couldn’t sleep through the night without getting up to pee, polyester is now my fabric of choice, grey hair in sprouting as I speak. What. The. Fuck. I am regretting not investing in the extended warranty (eating well and limiting my alcohol intake) I think I am seeing the result. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like an adult but this adult has to be in bed sleeping by 10:00 and needs at least 50 ounces of water a day. I am adjusting fairly well - more sleep, more water, martinis and progressive glasses but damn growing up is hard!

March 20

Beautiful day. We were required to sit on the deck for the entire day. Mandatory. No excuses. It was wonderful but I think mountain air went to our heads because it got drunk out. 

Also, I think some people are figuring out the identity of Shirley, Carol and Susan so I am giving them new names.....Wonder Woman, She-Ra and The Bionic Woman. There, you’re safe again girls. Played marbles and dice and cards and I won zero times. Bitches are cheating I think. Then there was a dance party and karaoke. We should have a television show. I think we solved a lot of the worlds problems and played the most amazing playlist but no one remembers. If not a tv show then maybe a personal assistant. That takes notes, mixes drinks and gives foot rubs. I’m doing a job posting. 

.....also, I was just informed that I did win at cards.....

March 19

Hi guys! I can’t remember the last time I blogged. Corona Virus, job losses and low oil prices are not conducive to a happy blog. But fuck it. Life is short and I’ve been preparing my entire life for a pandemic. I can live off my own body fat for easily 6 months, I have enough liquor in my house for 2 years and I don’t like people. Check. Check. Check.

We have decided to buck the system and have a “slight” gathering. I can’t mention names because I have to protect the innocent so I am going to call my travelling companions Shirley, Susan and Carol. This is how the trip started.....

Fucking Carol always looks good! 

But soon this happened.....

And we discovered that we are mechanics! Who knew?! 

Anyway we are now happily ensconced in Cancun, British Columbia. I think we are floating down the river later today.

Needless to say when I woke up this morning I didn’t know where I was or who I was sleeping with (good news, it was Susan!) I’ll let you know how today pans out.....