July 19

I recently got in shit from my mom and Barb Schooler - two women who, normally, I don’t get shit from. Okay, listen, Barb doesn’t give me shit but my mom…..well I sometimes get some passive aggressive shit from her. Anyway, I got in shit for not blogging and - full disclosure - I am: 

1. Lazy
2. Exhausted 
3. Busy
4. Lazy
5. COVID - seriously difficult to blog during a pandemic, and lastly -
6. Lazy

But there are a few things I’d like to share - measuring cups (I’m not talking about this now but it is a future blog so please remind me), COVID (but Jesus Christ I am sick of hearing and/or talking about it), my dog and his seizure (I am not emotionally stable enough for that one yet), my friends (always make me laugh and in the spirit of total honesty - pee a little bit) but right now I would like to talk about 50.

So recently I turned 50. Hard to believe because of my incredible skin elasticity and lack of cellulite, but it is true. Also, my lack of elasticity is due to my natural filler (fat) and my lack of cellulite is directly attributed to my aforementioned natural filler. On a total side note - ladies please say no to filler. I have seen pictures and it is awful - age gracefully- Grey Goose will help.

So anyway- 50. I am so glad I made it through those awkward years - 14 thru 49 - ugh! What a trial that was! Now I am truly an adult. I have been waiting with baited breathe for this age and let me tell you - it did not disappoint. I recognized my inner strength, my vast knowledge and patience was rewarded with an inner peace and tranquillity. I am not ashamed to say that I looked down upon those still unfortunate enough to be struggling through their 40’s and pitied their delusions and unwarranted sense of accomplishment. Oh you children, you just don’t understand the true meaning of life…..

Then dawned day 18,251 of my existence (aka the day after my 50th birthday) and I realized that my warranty expired the day before. My knees hurt, I had an unexplained tingling in my left hand that would not go away, I could no longer see far away OR close up, I had 10,000 fine lines around my eyes, I couldn’t sleep through the night without getting up to pee, polyester is now my fabric of choice, grey hair in sprouting as I speak. What. The. Fuck. I am regretting not investing in the extended warranty (eating well and limiting my alcohol intake) I think I am seeing the result. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like an adult but this adult has to be in bed sleeping by 10:00 and needs at least 50 ounces of water a day. I am adjusting fairly well - more sleep, more water, martinis and progressive glasses but damn growing up is hard!