November 4

Okay, again, in the honor of complete disclosure, this may not be for the of faint heart….Merrly picked us up….,,, LATE!! Yep, late. I’m not sure if everyone knows the rules abut road trips?! You NEVER, NEVER pick up ladies, who are over the age of 23, late. They. Will. Be. Drunk. Was this a secret? In my life I have been pre-road trip buzzing roughly 238 times, and never in my 238 year history have I ever gotten more sober. I know this probably says more about me than it does about me the driver. And I do not think “gotten” is a word, I apologize.

But I regress - Merrily was late.But she drives like a rock star. We were forced 🙄 to divert through Radium. It was awful for me. One more pee break on the side of the road, I know…..awful. We decided that we can no longer do a Chinese fire drill. A 50-year-old-fire-drill is when we all get out of the vehicle, have a pee, refill the cooler and then wander around aimlessly until Merrily herds us all back into the vehicle. 

Anyway -I was trying to tell a story - this is also a near impossible feat - to get through an entire story without being interrupted or forgetting what you were saying. Also, we did have a couple puffs from the medicinal vape so that also made talking difficult. In the middle of my story I announced,”Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore.” Obviously my mouth and my brain weren’t working together, but I definitely didn’t mean to say Oprah.  But it is a true story - Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore, but also true story - she never did call me at home or at work or anytime. 

So when we stopped for our 43rd pee break - we got out, found our spots to pee, Trena re-filled the cooler -again - and we all got back in the truck - had to all search for our phones before we left and then we headed out. Then Trena announced that SHE DIDN’T PEE! Merrily pulled over but Trena said there was a vehicle behind us - Merrily slammed on the brakes and yelled at Trena, “IT’S A YARD LIGHT! GET THE FUCK OUT AND PEE!” And we wonder why it took us 22 days to get to Golden?!

While we driving it dawned on me that I was traveling with my pall bearers so I took the opportunity to give some instructions. Firstly, they are going to have to be strong. As much as I say I’m going to lose weight, let’s be honest, I’ll always be a solid lady. And dead weight, I can’t imagine how heavy I am going to be. Also my coffin - it is going to be heavy - I am worried about my Pall Bearer Team. I have to loose some weight for the girls. I also need to know if they’re right handed or left handed - important in my placement decisions. But there is 5 girls - I need a sixth. And a spotter. Like someone in training just in case one of these bitches breaks a hip or has a hangover. And I want crying at my funeral. Sobbing. Fuckers better be sad when I’m gone. 

Okay - having a coffee and playing marbles so gotta go.