September 10

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, my criminal activities have finally been recognized. Al Capone was caught through tax evasion, Ted Bundy was caught stealing a car…how was I caught? I answered my cellphone. Yes, an innocent, “Hello” and my world came crashing down. Here is an informal transcript of my damnation:

Me: Hello? (In a musical, lovely tone, eager to visit with whoever was calling me from Waterloo) 

Waterloo: Hello Anastacia? 

Me (thinking, “fuck, this must be serious?!): Yes?

Waterloo: This is Border Control and we are calling to inform you that there is a warrant out for your arrest.

Me: What did you catch me for? (Thinking of my various crimes)

Waterloo: This call is being recorded.

Me: Good, because I won’t remember what the fuck in confess to.

Waterloo: Recently a package crossed the border addressed to you with more than 4 different kinds of drugs in it, like cocaine and fentanyl and more than $94,000 dollars in it. 

Me: Which border?

Waterloo: THE border.

Me: That makes no sense. I sent the $94,000 to BUY the drugs. What drugs did I get?

Waterloo: Can you spell your name? 

Me: Will you spell it to me and I’ll tell you if it is correct….

Waterloo: WILL YOU PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME?!

Me: (I can read Anna Karina faster than I can spell my name…..this is a side note but can you not agree that when anyone names an innocent child Anastacia Jean Bardenhagen that it is some twisted form of child abuse? I think my mom was punishing me for being born breach. I was 7 before I could spend my name! And, by the way, as a fetus I knew I was going to be born ass first so the world could kiss it, well most of the world, not Waterloo….back to my story) A.N.A.S.T.A.C.I.A  B.E.A.V.E.R.B.O.N.E.S. (Now, I know that Anastacia Beaverbones is not my legal name but my Uncle Wade christened me Beaverbones before I could spell Anastacia and I thought I should honour that by sharing it with Waterloo)

Waterloo: That is not the name we have on file.

Me: Hmmm….that’s strange. I always get my drugs delivered as Anastacia Beaverbones. Is this why I am not getting my Free People packages?

Waterloo: You are buying free people?

Me: Well you cannot buy slaves through the mail….

Then Waterloo hung up on me! So I am sure that the RCMP will show up at any given moment. I might need a lawyer. But on a positive note I am getting at least 4 different kinds of drugs AND $94,000 but, alas, no slaves.