Sept 12

It’s Jen’s birthday!! And only 364 days until she is 50.....but who’s counting? 

So we woke up this morning with foggy memories. We had to retrace our steps by reviewing our receipts that we have in our purses. There was no power at the house - a big truck took out a power pole downtown so we had no hair straighteners or hot water or coffee maker. But the draw of beer and wings was stronger than our concern about our personal hygiene so we called a cab (terrifying cab driver that was NOT amused by our sparking, witty personalities) and we took our shit show on the road. Went directly to the Whitetooth Brewery and started our Golden Pub Crawl.

This was the best we looked and felt all day.....it really did go downhill aft that. Whitetooth was great. Great server and great beer. But the ball was rolling.....

We left there and accidentally stumbled into the Cannabis store. We just looked........😉

Then a little shopping. I bought boots but they were on sale so it doesn’t count. To the Rockwater for margaritas. I just have to do a little side note: I am so fucking sick of COVID. So in BC they have started a curfew. Bars and restaurants are not allowed to serve liquor after 10 pm. Because one of the little known facts about COVID is that you can only contract it after 10 if you are drinking. Seems to make sense! 🙄I feel so bad for these small businesses during this ridiculousness - us girls decided there and then that we are supporting these businesses. So we ordered another round. Also our servers name was Alexa. It was quite convenient to ask her questions: “Alexa - what’s the temperature out”, “Alexa - can you make us reservations”, “Alexa - tell us a joke”. Again I think sometimes we are the only people that think we’re funny. 

So on to the Island for martinis. We had appies (because at this point in the day food is no longer negotiable). So one martini and a bottle of wine, some appies and off to The Wolfs Den. Before we left The Island we bought the most delicious salsa that the kitchen jarred it for us. But it is black market salsa. I said it is crazy that we can walk down the street with legal drugs and illegal salsa. If I got busted for the salsa I would be pissed!! 

Our server at the Wolf’s Den HATED us. Hated. H.A.T.E.D. US! We decided he must have been gay because he was immune to our wily womanly ways. We giggled and bantered with him and nothing. I believe he may have rolled his eyes. I think if we could review the film from last night we were loud, swearing and repeatedly asking him why he didn’t like us? I guess it will have to remain one of life’s mysteries- like Stonehenge or the Cadbury secret. 

So at this point everything becomes fuzzy. 

When I woke up this morning I thought.....did I contribute to the Wolf’s Den Bill? Then I thought - FUCK! We were going to get the cab to take us to the liquor store for more beer and we didn’t- we just came home. So Trena woke up and I asked her, “Did I give someone money for the bill” - Trena said “No, you paid.” Oh - thanks. Glad we cleared that up.  But, I said, we didn’t buy beer. Yep. We did. I said - who went into the liquor store to get it. Yep - me and Trena. Glad we cleared that up. I do remember asking the cab driver how much it would be to drive us to Banff for last call (another fact about COVID is that in Alberta you can drink liquor after 10 and not get COVID - I know, crazy right?! But listen,  I don’t make this shit up - Nope that is the government’s job) Anyway, I believe it was cost prohibitive to go to Banff - or at least we could find no Banff receipts in our purses so we are assuming we didn’t go there. 

And I love Trena and I pick her over red AND white.....She’s the best. And she doesn’t snore. And she’s pretty. And the best at dice and marbles. Trena....are we good?

Sept 10

Girls Trip...

I don’t think that boys understand what goes into this weekend. This is some of our considerations when you are planning: 

• What are your best pyjamas? Fuzzy? Short legs? The ugly ones that are the best ever?
• Is it awkward if you bring 5 bottles of wine? Do they understand that those 5 are for me and not to share?
• If I drink my 5 with those bitches love me enough to share theirs?
• What if my Friday makeup is still on on Sunday? Can I pass that off as ‘going out makeup”  I’m asking for a friend.....
• Do we really need food?
• What is more important- red or white?
• What is more important Trena or martini mix? 
• So if we decide that red and Trena are the most important- do we need a change of clothes? 
• What if I wear ALL of my clothes (similar to the Shakelton Expedition to the North Pole) does that mean I can bring one more bottle?
• Am I willing to pay PST in BC to buy beer in this province?
• If someone writes some shit on our vehicle because we have Alberta plates is that a solid defence for man slaughter? 
• How much is a cab from Jens cabin to Golden so I don’t have get a lawyer to defend myself from man slaughter?
• How many years do you do for man slaughter?
• If I know who I want to kill does that make it premeditated?
• If we get pizza delivered how much do they charge?
• Do we have to wear masks if we go to the bar in Golden?
• Should we institute a “Weigh in and Measure” requirement to be allowed to B.C.?
• Can my weigh and height be the standard that we judge all of us?
• Will Jord bring a Oujia board to Golden?
• Can we move to Golden?
• What is the provincial tax  rate in B.C.? 

So these are some of my questions/concerns. Also, just for context, while I am writing this, I swear to God this is what I just heard....”Trena did you just tickle my asshole.” I cannot be sure, but I think it was a question not a statement. I need to sign off so I can hear the rest of this story....

Aug 30

I was working diligently on my April thru August recap of the world’s crazy news headlines but I became despondent realizing that 99% of the stories are negative. Why are we fixated on bad news? Do other people hardships make us feel better? Now, before anyone thinks I am standing on a soap box condemning all that is bad a proclaiming my own “holier than thou-ness” let me tell you I just watched a clip from a Taiwanese kite flying celebration where a three year old was tangled in the strings and was whipped around at 100 feet before being safely caught by by-standers (I am not completely heartless - it was a happy ending) but I did get a chuckle out of the ridiculousness of the situation. If you are as soul-less as I am I highly recommend watching the clip.....

Anyway back to my soap box - in my search for good news stories I found the following headlines “St. Bernard Rescued from Mountain Slightly Embarrassed”  or this beauty; “Elderly Grocery Store Bagger Finds Fame” now two things here: 

1. I cannot be sure I used the semi-colon in the above statement entirely correct AND..
2. WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT A ST. BERNARD OR A CARRY-OUTS CLAIM TO FAME?! (Please note I disregarded the age of the carry out so as to not be sited for ageism...)

We have to be better than this.... 

Again, I will take this opportunity to step down, carefully, from my soap box to mention, at some point in the future I will complain about the Trudeau/Morneau debacle or the “To Wear or Not to Wear The Face Mask” situation. 

Okay, back on the box.....

I am taking this opportunity to talk about a few things that I am encouraged by (and because I am slightly OCD I will list them....)

1. Our community. Now I know we all complain, and I encourage all forms of expression but it is my blog....so, I love Jason Nixon. We have an MLA who is very proud of his constituency. Tammy Burke - Mayor of Rocky, first of all my hats off to you for the position you are in, it is a difficult position to please everyone. I take some liberty because I am a County resident, and some of the Town issues are not mine, but I am proud that she is doing the best she can do in our current economic situation. 

2. Store owners right now....Brian Walisser (Oras Communications), Shawna Hulberg (Cherubs), (when you live in a small town everyone is known by their maiden name...), Tammy Jagt (Panago), Debby Baich (Home Hardware), Debbie Anderson and everyone else keeping their doors open during this trying time! (Debbie Irwin/Anderson, I know you closed Country Basics but I will never stop missing your store! 😔) We should do all we can do to support these businesses. I have to take a slight side note to acknowledge Garth Ingham. Garth owns Ingham Block in Innisfail, this jewellery store has been a family owned and operated small business since 1916 and he recently took the controversial position as to state his store is Mask Free. Hats off Mr. Ingham. Imagine a jewelry store that encourages anonymity.....again, I am impressed by someone saying, “ Um, no, I do not want masked people in my jewelry store.....”

3. Oil and Gas Industry. This is an industry that got its ass kicked. Seriously. Like watching a Bottom Bar fight circa. 1988. This industry is standing up, brushing the dust off, wiping away the blood and asking Canada, “What can we do?” I am a proud Albertan and Canadian. Enough said, I will need a higher soap box....

4. The 50/50 draw for the last Oilers game. Again, I love the passion of Edmonton Fans. Hats off, you love the game and support the community. Unfortunately, I did not win. I would be writing this blog from the beaches of Mexico raving about the virtues of the Mexicans had I won....

5. My family and friends. I think that everyone can probably say their family and friends keep them grounded and sane. Mine do. 

So no more complaints about the world we are in. Until next week when I bitch about Trudeau and Morneau and their disgusting elitism or the vandalism to Sir John A MacDonald statues. No, today I am wearing my rose coloured glasses enjoying the late summer weather.....

Also the senior grocery bagger - he was a 79 year old Mexican grocery bagger who was laid off during the pandemic and started a You Tube channel showing seniors how to cook....

August 15

Honestly I have been working on this post for 6 weeks but when I am looking at old news stories I quickly get distracted! So this in my January to March recap. I will be more focused and diligent about my April to July. 

Just a quick overview of 2020 to date......just in case you have been living under a rock. I believe that there has been a book written about this trouble time - The Old Testament. 

January - we should have known 2020 was going to be bumpy - very good to start the year with a plague of locusts....😕

• Yep, a plague of locusts 🦗 invaded Ethiopia 🇪🇹 and Somalia 🇸🇴 . Nothing says Jesus 🙏🏽is angry more than a plague of fucking locusts. 
• Philippines volcano 🌋- Taal Volcano, the second most active volcano in the Philippines erupts and crushes homes and kills livestock 🐮🐷and crops 
• Next natural disaster- an earthquake in Turkey 🇹🇷 . A 6.8 earthquake hits Turkey - 1,600 hurt.🤕
• Not done....Bush fires 👨🏼‍🚒🔥in Australia 🇦🇺. Killed 33 people coffin ⚰️ and an estimated 1 billion native animals 🕷🦘🦎🐨🐍 2,500 homes 🏠  and wilderness 🌳 area the size of Greece were destroyed 💣 
• Not done yet.....Kashmir has an avalanche ⛄️that killed 100 people - heaviest snowfall to hit the Himalayan region in a century.❄️❄️❄️
• Hmmm....what natural disaster are we missing....oh ya, a flood 🌊 - Indonesia 🇮🇩 has a flood that kills 83 people😵. Landslides were the heaviest since record keeping began in the 19th century. 
• Brexit 🇬🇧 FINALLY happened - after a referendum was held in June 2016 we finally saw democracy happen.....sort of. Britain officially left the European Union.
• Not unlike Brexit - Harry 🤴and Megan 👸🏽step down from royal duties. (I have to interject here - I am a royalist but I get it, being born into royalty probably isn’t the great job you think it is but.....they are leaving royal duty to be in the public eye in Hollywood. Kind of like jumping out of the frying pan 🍳into the fire 🔥 isn’t it Harry?! I think this reeks of hypocrisy and I really don’t have time for it. I also think Megan is a shallow, selfish person - but I digress....) 
• Also Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 other perished in a helicopter crash 🚁🏀 

So quick summary of January - Jesus sat down with God and said, “Seriously Pops, I would like to get all of our big ones out of the way, I’m thinking of having a quiet relaxing 2020. Maybe go on holidays, take the rest of the year off”  And God, like any other parent thought, “ You lazy, little shit. I will show you pestilence and suffering” 

 

Also, another quick side note, of all of the above disasters, which got the most airtime? 1. Harry, 2. Kobe, 3. burnt koalas....probably says a lot about us....

No worries kids! New month, better days ahead! We get an extra day to celebrate February 2020!

Okay here we go – onwards and upwards…. wait….no…..no….it gets worse…….

• Corona virus 🦠 starts to make worldwide 🌍 news. An early pandemic is brewing in Wuhan. It is starting to spread worldwide. Yep, this looks like it is going to be in the news 📺for a while…..who knew…..

• Personal reality check for me – I had a lump in my breast🤦🏼‍♀️. Again, nothing makes you question your life more that a cancer scare. Good news, it is a “fatty deposit” 🤷🏼‍♀️Also good news – I have a medical term to call my “fatty deposits” spread throughout my body. And in the immortal words of Lizzo – my soul sister – “Feeling good as hell, Hair toss, Check my nails”

• Terrorism in Germany 🇩🇪  – there were twelve men arrested for attempting to start a far-right organization aimed at carrying out attacks against politicians, asylum seekers and Muslims. Okay, hold the phones 📞 . I think we should all take a collective sigh and agree that a Far-Right Wing Political party in Germany is probably not a good idea 🤯. This leads me to another issue I have – teaching history in schools👩🏽‍🏫. I think it is imperative that kids 🎓learn about history – the good, bad and the ugly. They should learn about slavery, concentration camps, political and religious intolerance, suffrage, wars and genocide. I think we all need to remember “Lest We Forget” 

• Oh and this little issue – Blockades on the railway to protest Coastal Gas Link pipeline. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. On. This. One. 🚂🚔🚨

• Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of rape. Say it ain’t so. I had such high hopes – my impression was that he was filled with integrity and honor. Obviously, I jest. This is probably the creepiest muth-fucka I have every seen. 🖕🏼👺

• The US House of Representatives votes 410-4 to designate lynching a federal crime. Just quick check – it is 2020 right? The US Civil War ended 155 years ago right?! Also, who are the 4 that voted to KEEP lynching?! Someone should investigate those dark bastards. I don’t think I can even dishonour this point with emojis. 

-  The Standard Poodle 🐩 won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I don’t know what kind of evil black magic 🧙🏼is going on at the Westminster Kennel Club but, I think we can all agree, if a Standard Poodle was a human we would all punch him in the face. 👊🏽He would be the most pretentious, arrogant, simple person we have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Standard Poodle! Honestly?!

 

So now on to a March - spring.....new beginnings...

• We have to start identifying Corona Virus by the new name COVID 19 - why you ask? Because people were associating the virus with Corona beer. 🍺 Now, let’s be honest, if someone believes that the Corona beer causes the virus or is in anyway associated with the virus and they happen to get the virus and die.... can we call that natural selection? I think we can.😇
• Shit is getting real - hockey is cancelled. 🏒Fuck. Of course it is - Edmonton is finally playing decent hockey! I think this was a pivotal moment for Canadians- this bloody virus is wrecking havoc on our lives.😡
• Tiger King. What is this insanity?! This hillbilly from Oklahoma has a questionable large cat 🦁🐯zoo and is repeatedly threatening this equally flaky, possibly husband-murdering nut bar 🧝🏼‍♀️from Florida. He ran for president and Governor of Oklahoma AND HAD CONSIDERABLE SUPPORT! (I would like to speak to this more, however, we have a drama teacher for our Prime Minister so I think I lose some credibility). Hockey is suspended for 8 days and suddenly we are all addicted to the meth crazed, mullet wearing lunatic. On a side note, I did learn that a I can purchase a tiger for $2000 US and dispose of a husband with no evidence......🤫
• COVID-19 is officially declared a pandemic. I also learned the definition of Epidemic, Pandemic, Endemic and an Outbreak - I hope to never hear any of these words again! I also started working from home in March. I always thought I would love working from home - I don’t. It was awful. I also thought I hated people - I don’t. Well I do, but I learned I only hate 96% of the population not the 99% I thought I did. 
• Dow Jones dropped almost 3,000 points in one day. Largest 1 day drop since 1987. 💵
• Summer Olympics were canceled. Effect on my life =0%.🏋🏼‍♀️⛹🏼‍♀️🥇
• Sophie Trudeau gives a speech in London💂🏼‍♂️ for the WE Charity. This is not nearly as earth shattering as it’s going to be as it is in July but I don’t want to give too many spoiler alerts for July..... Sophie later is confirmed as having COVID 19, which she contracted while in London.....almost like God is saying, “Sorry sweetheart, you are doing some truly unethical shit and I have to call you on it because no one else does” 😷
• Bill Withers, Joe Diffie and Kenny Rogers died - sad month. 😓

• 
  

May 11

As promised, things that I like:

1. Getting into clean sheets. A bonus points if my legs are freshly waxed......alas, no bonus points lately....

2. Spelling “definitely” correctly, the first time. Even spelling it close enough so that spell check knows what I am trying to say. 

3. This. Cresting Strachan hill and seeing the first hint of green on the trees. Makes me euphoric.

4. Spelling “euphoric” correctly. (Spell check did help me....)

5. A clean kitchen. Recently Ryan has taken over this duty and my kitchen is sparkling clean day and night. I love it.

6. Madonna falling down those stairs at the Brit Awards. I have never shared video on my blog but of you’re feeling a little blue watch this clip. Never fails to bring a smile to my face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx5IMCJFIMw

7. Ryan’s new beard. It. Is. Awesome. 

8. Completing the planting of all of my summer plant pots for my deck. Ironically, it makes me equally happy to dump aforementioned plant pots at the end of the season.

9. Road trips. Preferably with a cold beer.

10. An end in sight to isolating at home! 

Way more likes that dislikes.

May 7

A short list of things that really bother me....that are not Coronavirus related.....

1. Madonna. Every incarnation of her bothers me. Have you ever watched an interview with her? She is narcissistic, shallow, arrogant and not that smart. And I’m not sure what is going on with her face right now - Botox? Injections? It is awful.

2. Killer hornets. Really? Why? Who is responsible for this? Before you answer, I know, the Chinese. They seem to be responsible for everything! Ryan and I honestly had a dead one in the yard 2 years ago (we are actually arguing about whether it was 1 or 2 years ago or if it was still alive or dead) but it did traumatize me. It was incredibly big. Another insect to add to my long list of “Insects to Avoid”.

3. Uncomfortable bras. I know I lose 1/2 of my audience with this one but why is it so hard to design a comfortable bra. We can send a man to the moon but we cannot make a bra that you can comfortably wear for 8 hours? Oh the humanity! 

Okay, tomorrow 3 things I like.....

April 24

I just wanted to make a short list of un-fun things to have done today or are still on my “To Do” list. They are in no particular order of un-fun-ness....

1. Cleaned up 1/2 (or there abouts) of a mouse that has been on my front step for about 5 days now....🤢. I was waiting for Riggs, the cat or some other creature to devour it, but no, it has been left for me. I consider it an offering to the Gods - in this case me being God....

2. Worked on my budget for work - suffice it to say that it is NOT a good time to be working in the oil patch. Unlike the other “good times” when there are uneducated protesters or Ludwig-esque terrorists....oh the good old days.....

3. Tried on my jeans. Jesus fuck. My size 14 jeans..... My size 14 jeans that I cannot even pretend are comfortable. The good news is I could get them done up. It was an engineering feat that could only be compared to the construction of the Panama Canal, but I did get them done up, but Lord Jesus that button was working hard. I finally changed after 20 minutes of trying to convince myself that they, “weren’t that tight” or that I have gained a lot of muscle around my mid section. I am quickly sneaking up on obese. Not really sneaking- huffing, with a burger in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and sweats on....that are also too tight.....

4. I vacuumed the stairs. Might not sound bad but my roll of “muscle” really interferes with bending over....

5. Rescued a woodchuck from Riggs, but alas, too late. Ryan disposed of the poor guy before it had time to decompose on my front step....definitely a blue job.

6. Put make up on and did my hair. I posted a picture on Facebook this week of Kyle Jenner pre and post makeup. I thought I would include a photo of me before make up and after just so can appreciate the work that goes into it and to try and distract you from the dead woodchuck.....

April 16

I am sure everyone knows that we go on epic road trips and we try to plan one every year. Unfortunately this year we are being forced to modify our trip. The planning is my favourite part and because everything is up in the air I am unable to plan, so....

I thought I would plan a trip for everyone. With the dollar being as shitty as it is we are planning 3 trips within Canada - and why not? Canada is beautiful - we should explore it more!

Okay Trip 1:
A lovely drive out to the coast. Ryan and I have rented homes a few times out there as well as hotelled it. This lovely home is in Ucluelet - which is as hard to spell as it is to say. It has 3 bedrooms and 3 and 1/2 bathrooms. It is an amazing house with unbelievable views.  No pets and no children (I am kidding you can take kids but why would you!) and no parties. It has excellent reviews and in all of my experience with VRBO the home owners have been lovely. Now the price.....a little high I will admit - I have September 8 to the 14 as my pretend dates and it is $875 Canadian a night - but if you have 2 other couples it is only $295 per couple. Do-able but I admit still high. If you wait until late October the price drops to $549 per night (only $183 per couple). October and November are storm season so it would still be a wonderful trip. Bit of a drive from Rocky - about 21 hours and that is not including the ferry nightmare.

The house is 179977 on the VRBO website. If nothing else take a little virtual holiday and take a look - if all else fails and money and the threat of this virus is keeping you home then treat yourself to a pretend holiday.

Ucluelet has great tours, whale watching, kayaking, hiking or buy a case of wine in Kelowna on your drive over and just relax in this great house with friends. Drink the case of wine, argue over cards and who is doing the dishes and see who is still your friends after the holiday.....

Trip 2:
The Yukon - this is on my bucket list. I picked the same dates - September 8 to the 14. The drive would be amazing but definitely hitting colder nights and after the never-ending winter we are experiencing it is hard for me to appreciate those evenings right now. The house only sleeps 4 - unless someone want the futon and in my experience this leads to a quicker fight than who is doing the dishes. Only $325 per night so much more affordable than Ucluelet. Still a long drive though - from Rocky about 25 hours.

 

I did a quick search of things to do in Haines Junction and might be a little slim on choices. It does look like there are Air Tours which I am sure would be great. The VRBO house is number 3765180.

 

Trip 3:

I am putting this down as a driving trip but I think it is for the most die hards. Prince Edwards Island. Again, on the Bucket List, but having recently driven to Thunder Bay I need the memory eraser that they used in Men In Black to forget the mind-numbingly boring drive through Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Northern Ontario.  When I searched a house on the East Coast I did request a hot tub - after the 4,860 kilometer journey across Canada you are going to want to soak in a tub. 50 hours of driving and please remember that includes Saskatchewan and Manitoba that has some of the worst highways I have ever encountered. Manitoba also only has Provincially owner liquor stores so it is like a trip back in time. But the house is quite nice.

Lots of bedrooms and bathrooms so no worries about who is sleeping on the futon because you are going to need a masseuse and a chiropractor already! I did research and there are massage therapists in Cape Traverse. I think we can all agree that by the time you arrive there you will have no desire to leave the house to go on a tour for a few days.

 

Well those are all the places that we cannot go to. But my pretend holiday was very good and it also aided in my procrastinating taping my walls in preparation for Ryan painting them.  Sorry, holiday is over - but good news - you do not need to unpack your bags or do laundry!

 

April 15

I’m going to tell you all the things that surprised me today: 

1. That Mother Nature is a bitch. But for real. She has menopause. She forgot what sunshine and green grass was. She is waiting Trump to tell her that it was his idea for the sun to shine and the birds to sing.....

2. Zovias, Cupshe, Joleri, Bekzy, Carmelletta and Reffia all have the same advertisements on Facebook! Side note: I ordered fro, Zovias so I will update you on my order and the real size I should have ordered!

3. I miss human beings. I thought I hated all human contact. I was wrong. 

4. I am capable of unbelievable rage. Seriously. Pray for Ryan.

5. I paid for Master Class. My expectations are high. I have already listen to Wine Appreciation. Guess what? I appreciated wine before the class and did not feel stupid liking a glass for wine. Now suddenly I need to understand the soil it was grown in and the casks it was stored in!

6. I did not know 1 day could experience 13 seasons! They say that Inuit people have 30 different definitions of snow - me too! “fucking snow”, “fucking sideways snow“, “fucking snowman snow”, “fucking rain? No fucking snow”, “fucking light snow”, “fucking snow while the sun is shining”, “fucking big flake snow”, “fucking no snow so I’m expecting tornado” and all of this in a 15 minute window. I’m no longer expecting spring. I’ve written it off.

That’s all. I’m going stir crazy and I’m taking you all along with me. Mix a drink. Enjoy the ride. 

April 10

Mike Meyers once said, “Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematics of not being”. I disagree. I think that Canadians need to acknowledge our uniqueness and take pride in our Canadian-ness. And one of Canada’s biggest achievements is The Battle of Vimy Ridge.

I recently read Vimy by Pierre Berton (another unsung hero of Canada - it should be part of the school curriculum in Canada to read at least one of his books) and it was saddening, horrifying, patriotic, unbelievable and inspiring. I have to give a couple of quotes just to set the tone for this incredible battle:

To put this quote in context I will explain the preface - this is a quote from a soldier who visited the Vimy Ridge Memorial site in 1985, this soldier was in his 90’s and he was asked to describe life in the trenches - the mud, the lice and the filth of the rats - he said, “You had to be there. It’s not possible to describe it to somebody who wasn’t there”. I cannot even comprehend this environment. We are all complaining about social distancing and lack of toilet paper but we should acknowledge what real sacrifice is. 

Pierre Berton tries to explain what trench life was like - “...dig in your backyard a ditch about eight feet deep, fill it during a rain storm with 2 feet of thick clay mud, and then crouch in it, day and night, for a week, living on tinned bully beef, a few slices of mouldy bread or hardtack, and plum jam. Yet even if you fill the ditch with live rats and infested it with so many lice that your shirt crawled, it would still be a pale counterfeit of the real thing. The ceaseless rumble of guns, the crack of bullets overhead, the crump of trench mortars, the stench of mangled bodies, and the command on certain nights to emerge from your filthy hole and crawl in terror across No Man’s Land - these cannot be simulated.” This was the unbelievable conditions these boys lived in if they were lucky enough to not be killed.

And these were boys. I’m not sure what you think of when you hear the word soldier. I think of order, training, confidence, wisdom, ability, mature, prepared, fit. Some of these boys were as young as 16 or 17. Some weighed less than 120 pounds. These boys were from families that pioneered Western Canada. They were used to back breaking work, sleeping outside and going without. They were strengthened by playing lacrosse and hockey. They could kill a deer with a rifle, eat cold meals and ride horses. They had tinkered with farm machinery and could quickly adapt to their surroundings. And over half of the Canadian troops were from west of Ontario, even though that was a very sparsely populated area in Canada in 1914. 

Again a quote from Berton, “As David Lloyd George, the British Prime Minister, was to put in his memoirs “Whenever the Germans found the Canadian corps coming into line, they prepared for the worst.” The Canadian troops quickly were recognized by the Allies that, although we were a young nation, comprised of immigrants, we were more than able to step up and fight the Germans. 

The Germans had taken the ridge in October 1914 and the Allies had been trying to recapture it ever since. The French fought for it for a year and lost over 150,000 men, then the British tried. There were several battles over the course of many months in 1915 and 1916 but the Germans kept control of the ridge. In early 1917 it was the Canadians turn.

Now there was incredible planning and the book details the act of warfare that I cannot even begin to understand but the Battle was eventually planned for April 9, 1917. It was Easter Monday at 5:30 am. It was snowing - blizzard like conditions. Can you imagine anything more Canadian? By April 12 the Canadians held the ridge. Now, obviously, the time in between the initial attack and eventually taking the ridge was absolute hell and cost Canada 3,600 soldiers and almost 7,000 wounded but when the dust settled a nation was born.

Canada captured the ridge with “blinding speed”. The Germans never regained the ridge and it was generally agreed that this was the turning point of the war. 

The Americans (who, by the way, did not enter WW1 until April 1917) acknowledged our performance. The New York Tribune wrote, “every American will feel a thrill of admiration and a touch of honest envy at the achievement of the Canadian troops.... No praise of the Canadian achievement can be excessive Canada has sent across the sea an army greater than Napoleon ever commanded in the field”. And the New York Times wrote, “ In Canada‘s history, one of the great days, a day of glory to furnish inspiration for her sons for generations”. Impressive admiration from a country that currently struggles to acknowledge any country outside of its borders. 

I am not doing this battle the justice it deserves but I really wanted to highlight how great Canada can be. How important it is to be unified. How proud we should be of the Canadians that fought (and fight) for our country. How petty and silly we can be - especially right now while we are fighting this pandemic. How we, as Canadians, should proudly and loudly defend and praise our nation. 

How did Canada lose respect for the West? The west was praised for the hardships that the pioneer families suffered to settle the west, the building of a cross country railway, the hard work of all of the men and women to establish a life, an economy that would help support ALL of Canada. Western Canadians fought in both wars, these were farm boys that left the farm and the comforts of home to fight for freedom. My own grandfather fought in WW2 and I am sure suffered his own demons until his dying day. 

I was trying not to get on my soap box for this blog and sincerely and honestly praise the soldiers and their families for the sacrifices they made and ensure them that it was not made in vain. We live our life because of their commitment and perseverance that theses people showed. I thank you. My family thanks you. 

One more thing (this blog is like Lord of The Rings, it never ends!) I would like to tell Mike Meyers that he is wrong. We are not English. We are not American. We are Canadian. We are a great nation. 

And damn it READ A PIERRE BERTON BOOK!! If not Vimy then Prisoners of the North, it is another great one. 

March 31

Okay, my absolute favourite fake news story EVER is that Putin released over 500 lions and tigers and possibly some hyenas (I mean, why not?) to enforce a lockdown in Russia. Seriously, if this was true then Checkmate Vladimir. You win. You are the true Tiger King. 🤴 

This story was so crazy and I wanted so badly to believe this one. I can picture it - Vladimir, Yevgeny Zinichev (Minister of Emergency Situations) and Sergey Shoygu (Minister of Defence) sitting in the Kremlin enjoying a snifter of brandy while discussing the protection of all Russians and complete denial that the COVID19 virus would ever have the audacity to cross into Russian territory. 

They would all have a chuckle when they discussed the suave, confident way that Donald Trump would assure the American people that a two week self quarantine would suffice. Then they would all have a quiet, introspective moment when the slightest doubt may weave its way into their minds. 

Yevgeny leans forward and hesitantly addresses Putin, “Mr. Putin, in the off chance that someone, inadvertently, brings this virus into Mother Russia we should have a back up plan....”. Putin gives a slight grin, takes another sip of brandy, sets his glass down and turns to address his Ministers, “I have long planned for an emergency like this. We shall release 500 lions and tigers into the streets of every major Russia city. This will guarantee no one leaves their homes and spreads this virus” He smiles triumphantly. 

Yevgeny and Sergey risk a tentative glance at one another and Sergey softly asks, “But Vladimir, where will we get 500 lions and tigers.....” Vladimir victoriously grins... “a few years ago I infiltrated America and made sweet love to an Oklahoman man with a mullet. I agreed to dispose of a crazy woman’s husband and supply him with an endless supply of methamphetamine as long as he could provide me with limitless predatory cats. We have lions, tigers, bears, spider monkeys, a one armed woman and a double amputee at our immediate disposal.....”  

Ties up all those loose ends doesn’t it? 

March 30

Well, I have to start this blog with a sincere apology. I am entirely to blame for this shitty weather. Last week I insisted Ryan bring the patio furniture onto the deck because, “winter is over and spring is here”. Is this my first rodeo?! How could I be so naive that I could think that 1 spring day would confirm the arrival of enduring pleasant weather? I fell for it, I am so desperate for good, positive, happy news that I grasped onto the promise of spring like an alcoholic reaches for a glass of wine after completing their 12 steps in six hours. Mother Nature is so confused she could be in the a Trump Administration - is it supposed to be spring? Still winter? Self isolate? Holiday in Florida? Back to work April 15? 30? 

So during this self quarantine this is what we’ve done.....

1. Watched Netflix:

       - Tiger Kings - God help me it was like crack. I couldn’t get enough. This made me feel more superior as a nation than I should. Well....until I read Uncensored Voice Your Opinion RMH. Seriously people - you frighten me. This is the reason I am growing to hate Facebook. If you believe birds are robots, if you believe Tom Hanks is a pedophile, if you believe that the Chinese people created this disease - then please quietly unfriendly me and we will never speak of this again. But back to Joe Exotic - What. The. Fuck. A few things that caught me off guard - meth + tigers = homosexual. I was never previously aware of this calculation. Next - Carol is crazier than Joe. Third - it only costs $2000 US (currently about $58,972 CDN) to buy a tiger cub.

          - Sexual Education - Ryan and I laughed our asses off through both seasons. I love English shows. 

          - Narcos Mexico - reminds me of one of the many reasons why I don’t sell drugs for a living

          - Ozark - trying to ration this series like a good bottle of red. We did have to watch the last episode of Season 2 for a refresher. So good. 

          - Complete side note - if you are looking for a good series to watch Derry Girls. It is a must. And if you watch that show and Michelle doesn’t remind you of Shannon Beagle then quietly unfriend me on Facebook. Shannon, she is my favourite character ❤️. 

2. Read books: 

         - The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - meh. Not as good as The DeVinci Code or Angels and Demons.

         - Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens -  Very good. 

         - American Dirt - wow! Couldn’t put it down. Only put it down to have a sip of wine, take a deep breath and keep reading.

         - The Alchemist - one of Dekker’s favourite. Not so much one of mine. 

         - Once Upon a River - 18 pages in and so far so good

3. Crocheted 2 scarves - thought this was pointless until winter reasserted its dominance.

4. Cooked amazing meals (and some not so amazing meals) 

          - Tahini Chicken Buddha bowl - delish

          - Homemade split Pea Soup - delish 

          - Blueberry Lemon Poppyseed Muffins - delish

          - Swedish meatballs - meatballs were slightly freezer burnt but seeings how we are in the middle of an Apocalypse then beggars can’t be choosers

          - Roasted Cauliflower and Roasted Garlic soup- delish

          - Beet and Gin cured Salmon - awful. Terrible. We ate freezer burnt chicken fingers that were 100 times better. I will attach a photo of what it should have looked like and what it did look like. 

5. I am currently trying to convince my husband that painting our basement is a great idea. I’ll let you know how that goes.....

That’s it. I’m slowly going crazy. Not sure what we are doing next week......

March 14

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?!?!?

This is unbelievably ridiculous. What is humanity coming to? Every day I am more shocked and disappointed in the world. Is this virus this bad or are we all buying into this hysteria? First of all:

TOILET PAPER - my-mother-fucking-god. I recently counted, I have 13 rolls of toilet paper in my house and when I need roll 14 and there is none available in the world I am going to go postal. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to sleep at night and pray that God will keep me safe and provide me with paper to wipe with, but I do go to bed and pray to my lord and saviour, Rex Murphy, that the world will pull its head out of its ass and use the toilet paper to wipe accordingly. 

TRUDEAU - “All non-essential people please do not come to work”. Trudeau didn’t let the door hit his ass on the way out did he?! Now, I know, he is self-quarantined, taking care of his wife (are they still together? I heard rumour they weren’t) and attempting to learn to tie his own shoes and finally finishing reading Charlotte’s Web, but I think this is a little litmus test for how useless the little shit is.

OIL PRICES - someone grab Putin, Trump and Mohammad bin Salman by the balls and tell them to grow the fuck up. Stand aside, I’ll do it. It’s a big sandbox boys, we can all play. Why do women not rule the world? This shit would not happen, you know why? Because we don’t argue on who has the largest penis. 

CORONAVIRUS - I hate that my iPad recognizes this word before I’m done typing it. Please stop comparing it to the 1918 Pandemic. It is not the same. This is the flu, albeit a flu with a higher mortality rate - but only slightly. Lets put this in context - there are approximately 2,300 suicides A DAY, 90 people die A DAY in car accidents, 1,660 people die A DAY from cancer and approximately 50,000 people die a year from seasonal flu. So can we all settle down. Seriously. There will be deaths, which is awful for those families, but unfortunately that is a fact of life. This is not small pox, it’s the flu. Also - in the last 10 minutes there was 2,500 births so I think we’re okay. And while we are on this - vaccinate your fucking kids! And China - stop eating bats. Jesus fuck. 

THE STOCK MARKET - wow. Just wow. Everyone take a deep breathe.....now exhale..... Calm the fuck down. 

Really, that’s it. No, wait - one more thing. Wash your hands! Again, can’t believe it needs to be said but wash with soap and water. Wash well and wash often. Sneeze into you elbow or a Kleenex and then treat that Kleenex as though it’s radioactive. 

Sophie Trudeau is going to make it through. She is laying in bed right now with a cup of tea with honey in it, she has taken 2 Advil and she is browsing Tinder or Plenty of Fish to look for #2. God bless her and I forgive her for her poor choice the first time around but I think, we can all agree, she has a lot going for her and she will choose much more wisely with husband number 2. We are praying for a speedy recovery Soph!

February 13

My lump, my lump, my lovely lady lump.....was benign. Thank God. Boy, nothing makes you question your own mortality like the thought of possibly fighting cancer. I have a few observations I would like to share and because I suffer from OCD I will list them:

1. Ladies - go for mammograms. They’re awful and if it wasn’t for the fact my boob is being held hostage I would punch the technician in the face when she gives that handle its final twist. Early detection of any cancer is essential. This plea especially goes out to all my cousins - please be diligent in checking. 

2. My boobs are the most unnecessary appendages on my body.....followed closely by my pinkie fingers and pinkie toes..... If push comes to shove they gone! There is also the added benefit of weight loss. My boobs are fairly heavy...10 pounds? And for good measure, while I am under anaesthetic, might as well take my left pinkie. I suffer from arthritis in it and it is fairly bothersome. 

3. How the fuck am I old enough of suffer from arthritis?! 

4. When I spell “anaesthetic” my iPad tries to autocorrect to “Anastacia”. Well played iPad. Well played.

5. An oncologist is a cancer doctor. An ornithologist studies birds. Unbelievably important difference. 

6. To my friend Dennis Stilling and my friend Trena Goudie. You both gave me very big belly laughs when I needed them most. Dennis sent me a text while I was waiting for my biopsy, and I quote, “Your guns are strong. But if they’re not then you can get brand new shiny ones 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼“. I burst out laughing in the waiting room. And to Trena who was at my house with Jen as soon as they heard I had a lump. She walked in the house and said, “Jesus fuck! How serious are you about weight loss?!” 

7. To Trena and Jennifer - You. Are The Best. Jennifer - if I ever need anything, or don’t think I need anything, or it’s Tuesday and my life is a wreck - you are there. Thank you so much. Here’s to never having to wait in a clinic waiting room again! Jen and Trena wanted to know if I needed company the night I first heard I had a lump, I said no, I was fine. When I got home from work they were both already at my house. 💜 

8. To anyone who is fighting cancer - my prayers go out to you. It is motherfucker! I wish you health and happiness.

9. I am suddenly much more concerned about the application of sun screen this summer! 

10. Thank you to all my friends and family. I definitely felt the love. 

Anyway, that’s the latest chapter of my life. Now on to happier times! 

January 18

Wow, I discovered something about myself today and it isn’t pretty. I am addicted, I know what you’re thinking, but, no. I am addicted to my phone. When did this happen?

Today is a town day. Please understand that this takes much mental preparation- firstly, I have to get out of my pyjamas, do my hair and makeup(but even on a good day this is optional), then I have to deal with people. Ugh, people. 

So off to town, in this frigid weather, singing to the radio and I have a heart stopping moment....I forgot my phone. Queue heart palpitations. I seriously thought about turning around and going home and I was at the Clearwater bridge!! I could throw a rock and hit Rocky! I was struggling with problem solving. How could I survive for 4 hours without my phone?! And what was my phone going through?! 

I am not one of those people that is on my phone constantly. I do not have it on the table with me when we are out for supper. I very seldom have a conversation with a person face to face while having another conversation via text. It is extremely rude. But my phone has my grocery list, my to do list for town, access to my accounts, Suduko and Facebook - you know essentials. 

The other problem is Apple. I have an iPhone, iPad, iMusic, iMac, iPods ......I am an iWhore. Apple has me. I cannot ever leave. God damn corporations. Steve Jobs was brilliant. What a marketing genius. 

So now here I am. In town with only my IPad (I am not a caveman, I do have some form of technology but alas, no wifi) trying to remember my grocery list, all the places I need to go to town today, what time I am meeting Dennis for lunch, hoping Jen isn’t trying to text me from Mexico and worrying about the price of oil. Oh the humanity! 

I also joined Noom - fucking phone is also my pedometer! Now Noom isn’t going to know how incredibly active I am today. She will never believe me. I haven’t left the couch in a week and now, the ONE DAY I am doing something my phone remains on my couch and I am not! 

The other discovery I have made is that I don’t care about my bottle of red blend that is at home only my phone. I think this is really putting my life in perspective. Phone = problem. Red Wine = acceptable vice. Well that is 

Wow, I discovered something about myself today and it isn’t pretty. I am addicted, I know what you’re thinking, but, no. I am addicted to my phone. When did this happen?

Today is a town day. Please understand that this takes much mental preparation- firstly, I have to get out of my pyjamas, do my hair and makeup(but even on a good day this is optional), then I have to deal with people. Ugh, people. 

So off to town, in this frigid weather, singing to the radio and I have a heart stopping moment....I forgot my phone. Queue heart palpitations. I seriously thought about turning around and going home and I was at the Clearwater bridge!! I could throw a rock and hit Rocky! I was struggling with problem solving. How could I survive for 4 hours without my phone?! And what was my phone going through?! 

I am not one of those people that is on my phone constantly. I do not have it on the table with me when we are out for supper. I very seldom have a conversation with a person face to face while having another conversation via text. It is extremely rude. But my phone has my grocery list, my to do list for town, access to my accounts, Suduko and Facebook - you know essentials. 

The other problem is Apple. I have an iPhone, iPad, iMusic, iMac, iPods ......I am an iWhore. Apple has me. I cannot ever leave. God damn corporations. Steve Jobs was brilliant. What a marketing genius. 

So now here I am. In town with only my IPad (I am not a caveman, I do have some form of technology but alas, no wifi) trying to remember my grocery list, all the places I need to go to town today, what time I am meeting Dennis for lunch, hoping Jen isn’t trying to text me from Mexico and worrying about the price of oil. Oh the humanity! 

I also joined Noom - fucking phone is also my pedometer! Now Noom isn’t going to know how incredibly active I am today. She will never believe me. I haven’t left the couch in a week and now, the ONE DAY I am doing something my phone remains on my couch and I am not! 

The other discovery I have made is that I don’t care about my bottle of red blend that is at home only my phone. I think this is really putting my life in perspective. Phone = problem. Red Wine = acceptable vice. Well that is reassuring.