February 13

My lump, my lump, my lovely lady lump.....was benign. Thank God. Boy, nothing makes you question your own mortality like the thought of possibly fighting cancer. I have a few observations I would like to share and because I suffer from OCD I will list them:

1. Ladies - go for mammograms. They’re awful and if it wasn’t for the fact my boob is being held hostage I would punch the technician in the face when she gives that handle its final twist. Early detection of any cancer is essential. This plea especially goes out to all my cousins - please be diligent in checking. 

2. My boobs are the most unnecessary appendages on my body.....followed closely by my pinkie fingers and pinkie toes..... If push comes to shove they gone! There is also the added benefit of weight loss. My boobs are fairly heavy...10 pounds? And for good measure, while I am under anaesthetic, might as well take my left pinkie. I suffer from arthritis in it and it is fairly bothersome. 

3. How the fuck am I old enough of suffer from arthritis?! 

4. When I spell “anaesthetic” my iPad tries to autocorrect to “Anastacia”. Well played iPad. Well played.

5. An oncologist is a cancer doctor. An ornithologist studies birds. Unbelievably important difference. 

6. To my friend Dennis Stilling and my friend Trena Goudie. You both gave me very big belly laughs when I needed them most. Dennis sent me a text while I was waiting for my biopsy, and I quote, “Your guns are strong. But if they’re not then you can get brand new shiny ones 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼“. I burst out laughing in the waiting room. And to Trena who was at my house with Jen as soon as they heard I had a lump. She walked in the house and said, “Jesus fuck! How serious are you about weight loss?!” 

7. To Trena and Jennifer - You. Are The Best. Jennifer - if I ever need anything, or don’t think I need anything, or it’s Tuesday and my life is a wreck - you are there. Thank you so much. Here’s to never having to wait in a clinic waiting room again! Jen and Trena wanted to know if I needed company the night I first heard I had a lump, I said no, I was fine. When I got home from work they were both already at my house. 💜 

8. To anyone who is fighting cancer - my prayers go out to you. It is motherfucker! I wish you health and happiness.

9. I am suddenly much more concerned about the application of sun screen this summer! 

10. Thank you to all my friends and family. I definitely felt the love. 

Anyway, that’s the latest chapter of my life. Now on to happier times!