This is unbelievably ridiculous. What is humanity coming to? Every day I am more shocked and disappointed in the world. Is this virus this bad or are we all buying into this hysteria? First of all:
TOILET PAPER - my-mother-fucking-god. I recently counted, I have 13 rolls of toilet paper in my house and when I need roll 14 and there is none available in the world I am going to go postal. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to sleep at night and pray that God will keep me safe and provide me with paper to wipe with, but I do go to bed and pray to my lord and saviour, Rex Murphy, that the world will pull its head out of its ass and use the toilet paper to wipe accordingly.
TRUDEAU - “All non-essential people please do not come to work”. Trudeau didn’t let the door hit his ass on the way out did he?! Now, I know, he is self-quarantined, taking care of his wife (are they still together? I heard rumour they weren’t) and attempting to learn to tie his own shoes and finally finishing reading Charlotte’s Web, but I think this is a little litmus test for how useless the little shit is.
OIL PRICES - someone grab Putin, Trump and Mohammad bin Salman by the balls and tell them to grow the fuck up. Stand aside, I’ll do it. It’s a big sandbox boys, we can all play. Why do women not rule the world? This shit would not happen, you know why? Because we don’t argue on who has the largest penis.
CORONAVIRUS - I hate that my iPad recognizes this word before I’m done typing it. Please stop comparing it to the 1918 Pandemic. It is not the same. This is the flu, albeit a flu with a higher mortality rate - but only slightly. Lets put this in context - there are approximately 2,300 suicides A DAY, 90 people die A DAY in car accidents, 1,660 people die A DAY from cancer and approximately 50,000 people die a year from seasonal flu. So can we all settle down. Seriously. There will be deaths, which is awful for those families, but unfortunately that is a fact of life. This is not small pox, it’s the flu. Also - in the last 10 minutes there was 2,500 births so I think we’re okay. And while we are on this - vaccinate your fucking kids! And China - stop eating bats. Jesus fuck.
THE STOCK MARKET - wow. Just wow. Everyone take a deep breathe.....now exhale..... Calm the fuck down.
Really, that’s it. No, wait - one more thing. Wash your hands! Again, can’t believe it needs to be said but wash with soap and water. Wash well and wash often. Sneeze into you elbow or a Kleenex and then treat that Kleenex as though it’s radioactive.
Sophie Trudeau is going to make it through. She is laying in bed right now with a cup of tea with honey in it, she has taken 2 Advil and she is browsing Tinder or Plenty of Fish to look for #2. God bless her and I forgive her for her poor choice the first time around but I think, we can all agree, she has a lot going for her and she will choose much more wisely with husband number 2. We are praying for a speedy recovery Soph!
No comments:
Post a Comment