Honestly I have been working on this post for 6 weeks but when I am looking at old news stories I quickly get distracted! So this in my January to March recap. I will be more focused and diligent about my April to July.
January - we should have known 2020 was going to be bumpy - very good to start the year with a plague of locusts....😕
- Yep, a plague of locusts 🦗 invaded Ethiopia 🇪🇹 and Somalia 🇸🇴 . Nothing says Jesus 🙏🏽is angry more than a plague of fucking locusts.
- Philippines volcano 🌋- Taal Volcano, the second most active volcano in the Philippines erupts and crushes homes and kills livestock 🐮🐷and crops
- Next natural disaster- an earthquake in Turkey 🇹🇷 . A 6.8 earthquake hits Turkey - 1,600 hurt.🤕
- Not done....Bush fires 👨🏼🚒🔥in Australia 🇦🇺. Killed 33 people coffin ⚰️ and an estimated 1 billion native animals 🕷🦘🦎🐨🐍 2,500 homes 🏠 and wilderness 🌳 area the size of Greece were destroyed 💣
- Not done yet.....Kashmir has an avalanche ⛄️that killed 100 people - heaviest snowfall to hit the Himalayan region in a century.❄️❄️❄️
- Hmmm....what natural disaster are we missing....oh ya, a flood 🌊 - Indonesia 🇮🇩 has a flood that kills 83 people😵. Landslides were the heaviest since record keeping began in the 19th century.
- Brexit 🇬🇧 FINALLY happened - after a referendum was held in June 2016 we finally saw democracy happen.....sort of. Britain officially left the European Union.
- Not unlike Brexit - Harry 🤴and Megan 👸🏽step down from royal duties. (I have to interject here - I am a royalist but I get it, being born into royalty probably isn’t the great job you think it is but.....they are leaving royal duty to be in the public eye in Hollywood. Kind of like jumping out of the frying pan 🍳into the fire 🔥 isn’t it Harry?! I think this reeks of hypocrisy and I really don’t have time for it. I also think Megan is a shallow, selfish person - but I digress....)
- Also Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 other perished in a helicopter crash 🚁🏀
So quick summary of January - Jesus sat down with God and said, “Seriously Pops, I would like to get all of our big ones out of the way, I’m thinking of having a quiet relaxing 2020. Maybe go on holidays, take the rest of the year off” And God, like any other parent thought, “ You lazy, little shit. I will show you pestilence and suffering”
Also, another quick side note, of all of the above disasters, which got the most airtime? 1. Harry, 2. Kobe, 3. burnt koalas....probably says a lot about us....
No worries kids! New month, better days ahead! We get an extra day to celebrate February 2020!
Okay here we go – onwards and upwards…. wait….no…..no….it gets worse…….
• Corona virus 🦠 starts to make worldwide 🌍 news. An early pandemic is brewing in Wuhan. It is starting to spread worldwide. Yep, this looks like it is going to be in the news 📺for a while…..who knew…..
• Personal reality check for me – I had a lump in my breast🤦🏼♀️. Again, nothing makes you question your life more that a cancer scare. Good news, it is a “fatty deposit” 🤷🏼♀️Also good news – I have a medical term to call my “fatty deposits” spread throughout my body. And in the immortal words of Lizzo – my soul sister – “Feeling good as hell, Hair toss, Check my nails”
• Terrorism in Germany 🇩🇪 – there were twelve men arrested for attempting to start a far-right organization aimed at carrying out attacks against politicians, asylum seekers and Muslims. Okay, hold the phones 📞 . I think we should all take a collective sigh and agree that a Far-Right Wing Political party in Germany is probably not a good idea 🤯. This leads me to another issue I have – teaching history in schools👩🏽🏫. I think it is imperative that kids 🎓learn about history – the good, bad and the ugly. They should learn about slavery, concentration camps, political and religious intolerance, suffrage, wars and genocide. I think we all need to remember “Lest We Forget”
• Oh and this little issue – Blockades on the railway to protest Coastal Gas Link pipeline. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. On. This. One. 🚂🚔🚨
• Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of rape. Say it ain’t so. I had such high hopes – my impression was that he was filled with integrity and honor. Obviously, I jest. This is probably the creepiest muth-fucka I have every seen. 🖕🏼👺
• The US House of Representatives votes 410-4 to designate lynching a federal crime. Just quick check – it is 2020 right? The US Civil War ended 155 years ago right?! Also, who are the 4 that voted to KEEP lynching?! Someone should investigate those dark bastards. I don’t think I can even dishonour this point with emojis.
- The Standard Poodle 🐩 won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I don’t know what kind of evil black magic 🧙🏼is going on at the Westminster Kennel Club but, I think we can all agree, if a Standard Poodle was a human we would all punch him in the face. 👊🏽He would be the most pretentious, arrogant, simple person we have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Standard Poodle! Honestly?!
So now on to a March - spring.....new beginnings...
- We have to start identifying Corona Virus by the new name COVID 19 - why you ask? Because people were associating the virus with Corona beer. 🍺 Now, let’s be honest, if someone believes that the Corona beer causes the virus or is in anyway associated with the virus and they happen to get the virus and die.... can we call that natural selection? I think we can.😇
- Shit is getting real - hockey is cancelled. 🏒Fuck. Of course it is - Edmonton is finally playing decent hockey! I think this was a pivotal moment for Canadians- this bloody virus is wrecking havoc on our lives.😡
- Tiger King. What is this insanity?! This hillbilly from Oklahoma has a questionable large cat 🦁🐯zoo and is repeatedly threatening this equally flaky, possibly husband-murdering nut bar 🧝🏼♀️from Florida. He ran for president and Governor of Oklahoma AND HAD CONSIDERABLE SUPPORT! (I would like to speak to this more, however, we have a drama teacher for our Prime Minister so I think I lose some credibility). Hockey is suspended for 8 days and suddenly we are all addicted to the meth crazed, mullet wearing lunatic. On a side note, I did learn that a I can purchase a tiger for $2000 US and dispose of a husband with no evidence......🤫
- COVID-19 is officially declared a pandemic. I also learned the definition of Epidemic, Pandemic, Endemic and an Outbreak - I hope to never hear any of these words again! I also started working from home in March. I always thought I would love working from home - I don’t. It was awful. I also thought I hated people - I don’t. Well I do, but I learned I only hate 96% of the population not the 99% I thought I did.
- Dow Jones dropped almost 3,000 points in one day. Largest 1 day drop since 1987. 💵
- Summer Olympics were canceled. Effect on my life =0%.🏋🏼♀️⛹🏼♀️🥇
- Sophie Trudeau gives a speech in London💂🏼♂️ for the WE Charity. This is not nearly as earth shattering as it’s going to be as it is in July but I don’t want to give too many spoiler alerts for July..... Sophie later is confirmed as having COVID 19, which she contracted while in London.....almost like God is saying, “Sorry sweetheart, you are doing some truly unethical shit and I have to call you on it because no one else does” 😷
- Bill Withers, Joe Diffie and Kenny Rogers died - sad month. 😓
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