September 20

So I was going to do a entire San Francisco post at once but Day 1 of San Fran has been significant enough to warrant its own post. We drove into SF and it was really fairly smooth. I said to Ryan, “Wow, compared to Denver (so awful - gridlock was unfathomable - every vehicle was dented - it was literally bumper cars) this is amazing. And Seattle was so stressful (terrrible downpour and we could not see the road!). San Francisco is fairly bad rush hour but, really, comparable to Calgary.....” Then we turned into downtown San Fran. Motherfucker. I have driven a side by side up hills that are not so steep and been less terrified. I’m not sure I can explain these streets to people who haven’t been here. Seriously. It is m.o.t.h.e.r.f.u.c.k.i.n.g. steep. And we are driving a standard. So on a scale of 1 to 10 it is pretty much a 10....and I have ridden in a side by side with Farren (much love Farren but I usually do a Hail Mary before a ride and I’M NOT CATHOLIC!!) These roads are both admirable and humbling. They obviously have never had icy roads.

So we defy the laws of gravity and arrive at our house (seriously, the most terrified I’ve ever been on a road - including middle of fucking Nogales, Mexico with my dad, rush hour Aberdeen with Ryan and Saskatchewan River Crossing with Darian driving my car in front of a bus load of Asians!) We are all a little stressed and on edge (read between the lines: shaking and yelling at one another)....

Total side note - we hear from everyone, “oh your road trip sounds like fun, we want to come....” but you have no idea. There is always a “Fuck You” fight between one of the six of us at least 3 times daily. There is about 50 hours of planning, 10 hours of rescheduling and then we pick dates..... Booking houses is unbelievable- must have 3 bedrooms/3 bathrooms and, preferably, a hot tub. Must be on pavement and have a spectacular view. Must have acceptable wine glasses and dishes for 6. Must have puffy pillows and little carpet. Outstanding housekeeping and NO MOUSE POOP (surprisingly hard to find). Close to 4 star dining but still secluded. And still fit within our budget. So once we pick the house then we pick events to see or do. Again 15 fights ensue (14.6 of these are Darren and I) So we have a “loose” route and then 4 more meetings to discuss logistics and then we pull out a map to start finalizing. Felt comes out...we actually put pen to paper and start making real plans. Nope. 10 more arguments about the route and dates. Then we realize we can see a concert if we reschedule everything. Done. More meetings to plan. Book houses (at least $3k CDN) and then book hotels (another $1.5K) then we put into the kitty (God knows how much this is - at least $2k) then daily poker games ($20/day/person- non-negotiable) and then shopping (for the sake of my marriage I refuse to put a dollar value on this)... It is the very definition of a first world problem but it is an incredible amount of work and the actual trip has extremely stressful moments. 

Back to San Francisco. We get to our house and the street in front of our house is also a street the the trolley goes up so we are on a finite timeline to move all our luggage in. All. Our. Luggage. Here is a photo of our luggage : 

This DOES NOT include the 2 boxes of liquor and 2 cooler bags of food! We needed to carry the bags up 38 stairs - stairs that have no consistency in the height or the depth... it is a fucking Amazing Race episode just bringing  luggage up! Then...we need parking. We quickly huddled and agreed parking is a blue job - high five boys, you are again up (again side note - Ryan, Brian and Fuzz did an amazing job of getting us to the top of Mount Everest/ the corner of Jackson and Mason). Boys found a secure parking lot and returned home (no human feces yet encountered). Ordered Chinese (we are in the heart of Chinatown) and played poker and then headed to bed....

Morning! Can’t say “good morning” because Brian is semi-paralyzed. He has a pinched nerve and he is in agony. I realize the depth our inhumanity when everyone kicks a man when he is down. Literally. He is laying on the floor in absolute agony and no one can walk by him without kicking him, giving him a wet Willy, trying to put their balls in his face (Ryan) or trying to fart in his face (Darren). It isn’t even fun to bug him because he just groans. 

We drug him up and sent him with the most compassionate caregivers imaginable ....... Ryan and Darren. God go with you Brian. The best I could do for him was help set him up with an Uber account so he could escape their evil clutches (they assured him that seeing a stripper would make his back feel better - not sure if they are medically licensed to give such advice but who am I to argue?) Us girls did what we thought was best....shoe shopping....for us. I think our new friend, Handicapped Brian, would want us to be happy.

I am becoming an Uber professional. It is the only way to navigate these streets. When you google map any location in the city it gives you the route and the distance but....it also gives you how many metres uphill and how many metres downhill. There are also (not surprisingly) very few overweight people. Bought some shoes and ubered down to Fisherman’s Wharf to meet the boys for lunch. We met the boys and 10,000 tourists and 20,000 seagulls. Brian showed us the new way he walks. He steps forward with his right leg and then drags his left leg, at a sideways angle, behind him. So I think he maybe on the road to recovery. We also showed him our new shoes which I think really perked him up. You’re welcome Bri-guy. Brian took a Uber back to the house, the boys did Ripley’s Believe it or Not and we did some souvenir shopping. 

Back to the house and had a quick martini and got ready for the concert. Then we get the bad news....Brian is out. And he needs Kim to be his caregiver/bum wiper. We begged him to come, well, a quick beg because our Uber was here and I live in constant fear of getting a bad review so there is no making him wait. Then we went to the AT&T Park and saw The Doobie Brothers, Zac Brown and The Eagles. So, so good (but don’t tell Brian and Kim - we told them it was terrible) There was a girl sitting beside us and she leaned over everyone to tell me that she loved my hair and my boots and I was so cute. I asked Jen if she could change seats with my new best friend...but then I looked back over at my new best friend and....she was passed out...... So, that kind of ruined my moment. I told Jen to sit back down and forget that she had been momentarily demoted. Joe Walsh announced that all 40,000 seats were filled......um....Joe.......this is awkward.....but there is only 39,998 people here - no Brian and Kim. ☹️ There was also a guy sitting behind us that never fucking stopped talking. And he had the worst voice. He was talking to his date about stocks and property values and NOT PAYING ATTENTION! He told his date that Vince Gill was married to Amy Bryant - Amy Bryant from Saturday Night Live....not Amy Grant the Christian singer. I told Jen I was buying him fries because the only time he stopped talking was when he was eating! 

Back to the house and our Handicap-Capable friend and his lovely wife. They graciously ordered pizza and we told them how terrible the concert was (total lie - the BEST concert I’ve ever been to!)