May12

I’ve been on a blog hangover so I’ve neglected Princess Stacy. But I have a terrible story to share. I hate winter and I love summer. Except for the mosquitoes. And the city campers. And the dog poop that the receding snow exposes. And the SPIDERS!! Fucking spiders. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. S.P.I.D.E.R.S. I love summer and I love house cleaning. Okay, “love” maybe a slight exaggeration, but I really love the high I get when my house is clean. I think if heroin addicts cleaned their crack houses they would give up drugs. It is that wonderful for me. If my house is spotless and I wake up in the middle of the night I will get up and do a walk through just to appreciate my clean house. This OCD comes from my mom. My mom that would make me iron tea towels and pillow cases. We were not allowed in the living room for 4 days after she vacuumed because we didn’t appreciate the sanctity of the vacuum lines in the carpet. It probably was borderline abuse. 

Anyway, back to this morning. I have the tunes cranked and I am happily dusting, washing machine is going and I wander in the bedroom to get another load of laundry and my Spidey senses start tingling and I look up and what to my wandering eyes spy? A spider that is right above my bed waiting for me to go to sleep so it can kill me. I am going to create a Raid  can attachment for Brian Walisser’s drone so I can just fly by those mother fuckers from another room and kill them. I am being held hostage in my own home by this eight legged terrorist. You want to talk immigration laws - this fucker hid in a bunch of bananas in Nicaragua and crossed the border under cover of darkness. And he was not coming to Canada with peaceful intentions I can assure you. I gathered every ounce of bravery in my 115 pound body (please give me that one....) and I put every attachment on my vacuum cleaner and I declared martiallaw. I vacuumed him up and then burnt my vacuum. 

I know you guys think that I am such a wimp but I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my friend Kyle Thompson. I love Kyle. He is 6 foot 4, probably 240 and he is a red headed Indian. He is tough and I’ve seen him mad once and I don’t ever want to see it again. He is wonderful. If I ever divorce Ryan and he divorces Shannon then we are totally getting married. Kyle, I think if we ever divorce our spouses it will because THEY are going to marry each other. Anyway, that fucker makes me look like Chuck Norris around spiders. Kyle, you truly are a pussy. But I appreciate that you make me look sane when there is spider within a 10 foot radius of us. If we do get married we will need a Filipino nanny or adopt a Nicaraguan child to take care of spiders. Or move to Greenland. Both viable options. 

I am attaching a drawing rendition of the spider. I am also attaching a picture of the Caesar that Jen and Trena made me for therapy. Thanks girls. 

April 27

Happy Birthday Darian. I cannot believe you are already 26. Man, you think the early toddler years fly by wait until they hit their 20’s! The worst part is you can’t spank them and send them to their room. 

So our last full day in Aberdeen we enjoyed the city. Some shopping, great food and exploring.  Nice way to wrap up the holiday. We pulled an all-nighter so we can, hopefully avoid as much jet lag as possible (well Ryan and I did sneak in 2 hours sleep. It was the best 2 hours imaginable and the worst 2 hours imaginable. We had to leave the house at 3:30 a.m. as our flight left at 6:00 a.m. and we still had to return the Skoda, but good news - NO DENTS! But while we were racing through the streets of Aberdeen in the middle of the night we did see the tell-tail flash of photo radar so I think Scotland is sending me a parting gift - like when you win an Academy Award and you get the gift bag full of Gucci, Prada and Michael Kors goodies, I get a speedy ticket and exchange rate surprises on my Visa. I told Ryan, “that was one more pair of fucking shoes I could have bought!”

Leaving is bittersweet- leaving unbelievable old friends that welcomed us back with open arms, tears for dad and lots of laughs about mom and dad and our time spent living in Scotland. Leaving Dekker on the next part of his own adventure but knowing that him and Megan are traveling together for a little while (and hoping, a little, that he may come home earlier). I relived 1,000 memories and made a 1,000 new ones. Very excited to share a bit of my childhood with my kids and blessed to make new ones with them. Everyone proved to be excellent traveling buddies and we laughed until we cried countless times in the last 2 weeks. We should be getting pretty good at traveling together, at last count we visited:

• 48 pubs across Scotland (we recounted 8 times and finally agreed on 48 but could have been as high as 50)
• 9 castles
• 6 cemeteries 
• 1 cathedral 
• 36 pee stops for Ryan while we were touring/shopping

 It excited to get home and see my dogs, my mom, my Jen and get the trailer ready for camping! Woohoo!!!

Thanks for sharing our trip!!

April 25 and 26

April 25 - Had a bit of a late night on the 24th and then an early (ish) morning so no time to blog. These kids are incredibly hard to keep up to! Dekker, Megan, Mike, Darian, Ryan and I went out for drinks after our Thai/Indian feeding frenzy to a nearby pub at 11:00 at night - and Darian and I  discovered gin. I’ve always hated gin, for the same reason I hated Buckley’s cough syrup - it tastes like you’re licking a tree. But this tree had Prosecco and some other magical ingredients that made it magically delicious. Anyone, one of those and me and the old guy left to home and the kids stayed out to drink. I made them pinkie swear that there would be no midnight graveyard trips without me.

Up on the morning of the 25th, breakfast and off to Edinburgh Castle. Megan had never been either so it was a new experience for all of us. Now I hate to sound like a pretentious asshole but we are at the point that we might be tapped out on castles. It’s not the castles, it’s the tourists. Seriously, I’m going to stab someone in the eye! I know it sounds terrible, but, fucking Asians! Fuckng Asians! Argh! They hork lugies (I’m sorry it is disgusting but 10x’s worse to see!) and spit everywhere. They do not move when you say, “excuse me” and try to get by but no one moves! I was going postal. I did use my advantageous size and incredibly pointy elbows to maneuver my way through the 4’8” mob. I also used my vast vocabulary to express my displeasure. I don’t think there was a single person that was not pissed about this group of tourists. Anyway, good-bye Edinburgh Castle, hello Royal Mile. 

Knocked 4 more pubs off our list (as well as a couple more). Bannerman’s was one of the most questionable pubs I’ve ever been in - it looks like it was invaded by Vikings 1,000 years ago and the never left - just started listening to Death Metal. Needless to say we did not stay for a drink because it would have been followed by a mandatory tetanus shot. Then to the Voodoo lounge which was very nice (we convinced the boys it was a lesbian bar because there was only ladies in there), we tried to get into the Royal Cafe but it was packed and we could not wedge ourselves in there. Then to the Abbotsford and I would like to describe it but I cannot remember it. There was at least one pub in between each of the Bucket List pubs. 

Thai/Indian left overs for supper and the kids played cards (yet again Ryan and I admitted defeat and went to bed).

April 26 - leaving Edinburgh. And Dekker and Megan. 😞 I’m very happy that Megs is here with Dekker (they are headed to England to explore) so parting wasn’t quite so sad. Ryan, Mike, Darian and I headed north. Had a delicious breakfast of chips, chocolate bars, gummy bears and beer and enjoyed the drive. Stopped at Stonehaven for lunch at the Tolbooth (it was closed when we in Stoney earlier). Got to our cottage in Aberdeen and I’m not going to explain it until tomorrow’s post but you have to see it to believe it! 

Some touring through Aberdeen. Visited our first cathedral, and in my opinion, the best - St. Machars Cathedral. It was built in 1191 and is breathtaking. Legend has it William Wallace’s left arm was sent here after his execution. A very different city than Edinburgh but still beautiful. Much less walking and NO HILLS!! 

April 24

I need to address 2 glaringly obvious differences between Scotland and Canada:

1. There are no obese people in this country. I’ve seen 2 overweight people- and I did not hear them speak so I cannot confirm their nationality (so I’m assuming they’re English or Polish. Also, side, side note - I’m amazed at the number of Polish people in Scotland!). Anyway, back to my “No Back Fat in Scotland” observation. The average weight here is probably 150lbs for these women! Apparently they have not discovered deliciousness of pastry pies or the availability of pubs every 40 feet. And no gyms (I know, I too am unfamiliar with the word - I hear it’s a place people go to “work-out”. Not sure what that means either). I want to know the secret, I won’t tell anyone. If I come back to Canada skinny you will know they shared it with me. 
2. Dogs. Callie Beamish you have to marry a Scot, I think they love dogs more than you! Everyone has one and most of them aren’t on leashes. Nope walking down the streets of Edinburgh with their dog trotting merrily alongside them. Stopping and sitting at the intersections waiting for the light to change. Going into pubs and laying on the floor while their owner enjoys a pint. Now, if anyone has met Turk he usually greets you by shoving his tongue down your throat and then licking your ears. I’ve raised a 8 pound Harvey Weinstein! 😯 Turk is awful. I kept thinking that he would grow out of it but recently I had an epiphany- THIS IS MY DOG. And Riggs, he is beautiful, I’ve been lulled into a false sense of confidence in Riggs because he is a kind, gentle soul who would take a treat from a child with the same placidity as a Buddhist monk but put a leash on him and suddenly he is Connor Mcgreggor and wants to fight everyone. My dogs would go into a pub and it would be chaos - Turk would jump all over everyone making out, begging for food, barking wildly while Riggs would pee on everything and catch a whiff of a mouse and tear up floorboards to catch it. What have I done with my life?! I’m attaching a photo in this blog to remind myself they’re cute (and I miss them like crazy!) 

Anyway, recap of our day - late morning.....again. Every night we go to bed at 2:00 am and agree we’re going to have an early morning and 10:30 am rolls around and everyone is groggily climbing out of bed - not sure what we’re doing wrong 🤔. Darian and I went shopping. Great, great shopping. They have the cutest pants here. I’m also attaching a photo because that’s as close as I’m going to get to owning any because EVERYONE HERE IS SO FUCKING SKINNY I CANNOT FIND A PAIR TO FIT ME!! Bell bottom jeans are coming back into style - my Lord God how I’ve waited patiently for bell bottom and shoulder pads to come back and it’s looking like 2018 maybe my year! I did buy shoes (you can buy shoes for fat people) and a belt (as a side note - my favourite son-in-law Michael has been letting me borrow his belt. God love him he is very patient with my wardrobe issues). Also, you may notice in pictures I’m always wearing a scarf. This is a fashionable way to hide both my second and third chins I have developed in Scotland. Necessity is the mother of invention. (Jen is said “invention” not “intervention”). I also bought bib-overalls!! I have been on a cross Canada and Western USA quest to find blue jean overalls and finally I have got them. I love them and I also look like a tank in them - oh the irony. 

While we were shopping the boys went to Surgeon Hall. This is a three story museum that houses every organ with every type of disease - broken bones, kidney stones, black lung, the list was long and horrific. I am adding another sentence to Things I Never Want To Hear Ryan Say: “oh my God, I’ve never seen so many penis’s”. This is the only time that sentence can be used where it is acceptable. 

We went to meet up with the boys (after we took a cab back to the house to drop off our shopping!) and also decided we would cross another of our Top 10 Pubs off our list - The Devils Advocate. But first we climbed 1,000 fucking stairs to get to The Royal Mile (the street where we thought we were meeting the boys) and when we reached the top Darian checked her messages and said, “um, mom I have some bad news” yep, turn around and all the way down the stairs to the pub.......and then back up the stairs to the tour we were going on!! We did Mary King’s Close Tour. It’s in underground tour of old Edinburgh. It was very interesting but our guide was the one that made the tour - it was his 12th of the day and he had lost all interest. He had very dry humor and we loved it. Cracked us up. 

Then more walking (14.3 kms, 22,147 steps and 33 floors climbed) such a beautiful city. We are really enjoying it. We came home and ordered Thai and Indian food! Lots of it. Darling Meagan joined us from her trip in Ireland and were excited to see a new face!! 

April 23

Ryan found a huge spider in the sink this morning, which is unfortunate because it is a nice flat but now we’ll have to burn it down. I’m pretty sure my insurance covers that. 

Today we decided would be a, “get your bearings day” so we decided that we would start at the cemetery......so......we were not at the Greyfriars cemetery last night......I personally believe that Google Maps saved our lives. Thank you google gods. We were actually in Calton Cemetery, which is the worlds 16th most haunted cemetery. Which is still pretty fucking scary. Anyway, we walked through Greyfriars in the daylight and it pretty much sealed the deal - I will not do it in the middle of the night. 

We walked and we walked and we walked. 27,139 steps. That’s 17.3 kms! I took a photo so I could show people. And that was at 10:30 at night, we still walked back home! If I keep doing this I can keep eating pastries. We have the top 10 pubs to see in Edinburgh and yesterday we crossed 4 off of our Boozy Bucket List. Pub hunting is much more fun than ghost hunting! 👻🍺. Visited The Brewdog, Hanging Bat, Blackbird and Bennett’s Bar. Jed at the Blackbird made me a martini (my first in Scotland) but he added a lemon twist. No olives. Very good.  Mike ordered a pint of something (him and Darian are beer connoisseurs) and the bartender would only serve him a 1/3 of a pint - otherwise he would be, “twittled”. I think that is my new favourite word! You’re not “shittered” your “twittled”. Sounds cute and fuzzy. 

Anyway, so far Edinburgh has been cemeteries, beer and walking! Not only did I get to use the hedgehog 🦔 emoji now I get to use the 🚶🏼‍♀️ emoji! 

April 22

Left Beatrice, the rabbits, ducks, puppies and pheasants 🙁 Very sad to leave the Highlands. But on to our next fucking Adventure! 

Loaded up and headed south. Ryan is driving so much better he hardly ever scares us. Now Darian overreacts to everything which scares us even more. 

Stopped at Sterling for an hour and ended up staying for 3. The most people we have seen at a castle on our entire visit and we were a little bitter about it. There were people walking around in period costumes. Pretty cool but again - too many people. 

Then off to the Wallace Monument. We had to check it his sword. 1.63 metres long -impressive. I have difficulty chopping onions with a 4 inch butcher knife let alone killing countless Englishmen with a 5 1/2 foot sword. We got there at 4:20 and they close at 5:00, so not looking good. The monument is on top of a large hill which we have to scale to get to the monument and then climb the 246 steps to the top. Darian said we could run up the hill. Run up the hill. Run. Hill. Me. Fat. No run. Fortunately there was the last bus to the top (thank you lord Jesus for recognizing my short, fat, non-running body) So made it to the monument but there is still the pesky problem of the 246 steps to the top. In now only 20 minutes. This is not just 246 normal steps, this is 246 stone steps in a circular tower. With a width of about 2 feet’s and people coming down those steps. Not friendly people. Guess what?! I made it!! I cursed the large chicken pot pie I had for lunch (I think I need to go through rehab to break my pastry addiction), I cursed the 2 beer I had at lunch, the coat I was wearing (sweat pouring down my back - I know, I am incredibly sexy), I cursed my lifelong commitment to not exercise, I cursed the Dutch people we kept meeting on the stairs. I cursed the English (they are the reason Wallace had to attack and therefore this God-awful tower was constructed), I cursed Ryan for not offering to piggyback me up, I cursed the 2 beer and beef pot pie I was going to enjoy when I made it back down (let’s be honest, this was not going to be the pivotal moment in my life when I change 47 years of bad behaviour!) and then.......I turned my final step....and I MADE IT!! It was glorious! Euphoric! Elated! And then horrified - my legs were shaking so bad and I realized I need to go back down two hundred and fucking forty fucking six steps! 

Then to the Kelpies. Jord I kept all legs hidden. The Kelpies can definitely take a Kracken. I’m not sure if I have shared my Kracken story. One night, after an awesome Golden party (I know, shocker) Jord was giving everyone names (there is far more to the story but in an effort to protect the innocent I cannot share all details) - anyway, I was christened “The Kracken” and as everyone knows, Krackens have 8 legs (duh?!) but I was in an unfortunate accident and only have 7 legs - I am a Septapus Kracken. Jord vows to get me 3 more legs so my dreams can be realized and I can be a Decapus Kracken. Because Decapus sounds much more frightening than Septapus. Anyway, back to my Kelpie story - these are 30 metre high, horse head sculptures. They were huge.

Then to Edinburgh. Dekker is the DJ/navigator and he did amazing. We all agreed that he was the best person to direct Ryan through the maze of traffic circles and twisting roads to get us to our flat in central Edinburgh. We made it, changed and then headed out for supper and back for more poker games (Darian has finally mastered Wriffle!). A few more drinks (Ryan went to bed) and then we decided it would be a great idea to go the the Greyfriars Kirkyard (cemetery). Greyfriars was established in 1561 and it is rumoured that there are 500,000 bodies buried in there. When there are heavy rain bones have been exposed. It is said to be the most haunted graveyard in the word with an actively violent poltergeist. So off we go, adventuring to the most haunted cemetery in the world, who wouldn’t? We spent about an hour these and it truly was an experience. Very dark and depressing. We all experienced pounding, pebbles tossed towards us and best of all, a hedgehog. Not a ghost hedgehog- a real one! Mike tripped over it and it rolled itself into a ball. Little cutey. While everyone was admiring and taking photos of the hedgehog I was dutifully on ghost watch. The hedgehog could have been a diversion.... I am also very excited that I get to use this emoji: 🦔! 

 We knew we had to be out by the witching hour, 3:00 am, because the cemetery couldn’t get much scarier but we were taking no chances. Made it back to the house by 3:00 and all accounted for so it was a success. 

April 21

Oh. My. God. 5 posts in 1 day. It is like cramming for an exam. Don’t tell my mom -this is how I made it through high school and college. 

Today is a little anti-climatic. We had a gloriously lazy day. Darian, Mike and Dekker went hiking. I blogged (not sure if you know each blog takes me about an hour - it is difficult to get all the voices in my head to work together). Ryan and I did go for about a 5km hike (Darian keeps correcting me - in Scotland it is not hiking it is hill walking). Ry and I walked from behind our house back into the hills - amazing. Honestly amazing. Rugged and desolate. 

But I need to address a couple Scottish issues:

• There is no ice to be bought on this entire island. Anywhere. When you ask for ice in the stores or gas stations they look at you like you are insane. I was asked to repeat my question. Ice for fuck sales. Frozen water. Seriously.
• Wine glasses. Smallest wine glasses I’ve ever seen. 3 sip wine glasses. Where oh where is Big Karl?! Oh for a wine glass that I don’t need to fill every 3 minutes. On a side note: Mcguigan wine? WTF Karl?! Are you holding out?!
• Not being able to buy cases of beer - only singles?!

Also, I apologize for my unbelievable, uncontrollable hair. Granted my hair on a good day is barely passable, I usually look homeless and electrocuted but on this island it is on a whole new level. Darian and I both burnt out our hair straighteners within the first 2 days so that is a slight excuse. Between my frizziness and the wind I look like Mufasa. 

K, I promise to not fall so far behind again. Talk to you tomorrow ABOUT tomorrow!