September 11

Okay, get ready. Road trip 2017 countdown...3......

Let me first start by acknowledging Jen's Birthday. She is about to reach Level 46 of the Game of Life. I believe that comes with a lifetime supply of merlot, great boobs and a free spin. You go girl ❤️.

Next, although I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm and support of our trip and their expressed interest to accompany us, let me explain. No. I'm sorry but this is just not applicable. Booking houses, restaurants and excursions for more than 6 is near impossible. Nay, nay, truly impossible. This is a trip that requires 110% commitment and $10,000. For real-sesses. It is not for the faint of heart. Not unlike a life-timed plan to the top of Everest (or for the very least Camp1) this is a long, hard road trip that is only enjoyed but the truly, sadistic, motherfuckers that travel hundreds of miles a day that wake up at the crack of dawn to do it again. I refuse to plan for more than 6. Mike drop. Leave the stage. 

So we had our pre-plan meeting/argument/bartering/threatening meeting tonight (and all who know me know"meeting" is not in my vocabulary) about our route. We have decided in stone (or yellow highlighter for Jen and I, green for Brian or blue for Darren and Ryan who cannot stay focused and want to know where Kentucky is). So countdown is on....

September 1 - WFT - seriously September?!

I recently had to swear on the Bible that I would tell – “the whole truth, nothing but the truth so help me God’.  Now I struggled with the entire concept. For many reasons:

·         I find the Bible as reliable/realistic/truthful as Wikipedia. I have issue with a book written, rewritten, edited and otherwise altered over the last few hundred years by men with their own social, political and sexist views.

·         My memory is sketchy at best. Last Tuesday is fairly fuzzy for me. Dates are subjective (incidentally so are years!) to me. I usually remember my weight and my hair colour/style at the time not the date.

·         Lawyers are pompous asses that are far more motivated by their financial greed than the fight for the greater good. Ryan and I would never divorce and fight over the kids – it would be a coin toss – heads they’re yours and tails they’re mine. Totally on a side note – the court visit had NOTHING to do with divorce.

·         The entire judicial system should be sped up. Honestly, if I was the judge,  in 99% of these cases it would not take me long to get through this shit. You have 45 minutes TOPS to plead your case. I’ll give you a pretty quick verdict. I’m a mom – I know when someone is full of shit.

·         Less financial penalties and more community service. But serious community service. Like cleaning ditches and planting trees and helping others. Serious manual labour. I can supervise as well. I will have lots of time because I will be speeding through the court cases in the morning and busting their asses in the afternoon.  

So, if I am every called as a witness (and please tell me you also sing, “Can I get a Witness” by Marvin Gaye anytime you hear that statement) again I think when I am asked to swear on the Bible I am going to ask to pinkie swear everyone I the courtroom (pinkie swears are unbreakable and completely upheld in the court of Stacy). I will tell them that I promise to tell you as much as I remember and whether or not I was wearing size 8 jeans or 14 and if I liked my hairdo at the time. Boom! Next case…..

August 26

So, sorry I haven't blogged anything recently. I have been busy dieting and trying not to kill anyone. So far so good. 

I didn't realize it before but carbs are magical. They make me love life (...read between the lines....Ryan), they make me smart, witty, funny, enjoyable to be around. Carbs are wonderful and I have not had any for 216 hours and 23 minutes. If someone offered me a warm cinnamon bun I would cut a bitch to eat it! I would eat it slowly and savour every bite. 

Now I am a protein/fibre girl. Also - not sure if everyone knows this or not - red wine is NOT high in protein. Or fibre. Nor is vodka. I asked Siri and unless that bitch has something again me and merlot then no, no protein. I considered soaking salmon in vodka but my scale and a looming size 16 (!!!!) said no, back away chubby girl. 

So here I am, carbless and crying. I believe that could be a country song! But I can do this. Our road trip is nearing and I do not want Ryan to have to put extra springs on my side of the car so 15 pounds or bust. Also my BFF's are suffering along side me (shout out to my homies that drank water and declined the wings and ribs while watching the McGregor Mayweather fight). On a positive note - tomorrow I will remember who won the fight. I also picked up some great tips - tire the other guy out, mock him slightly and then be gracious with your win. 

Anyway, Tuesday is weigh in day so I'll keep you posted.....

August 15

Well I spent some quality time with my mom on Sunday. Picking out a funeral plot for her and dad. Yep, nothing says, "Funday Sunday" like graveyard hopping. But God bless her for making these decisions now. My dad and I were funeral whores. Anytime he needed someone to go with him I would be there. (Mostly for the sandwiches). I have a very nervous tick - I laugh at funerals. I swear to God I don't know why but I do. At Grandma Jean's funeral the pall bearers slipped on the snow (cowboy boots + snow = disaster) and almost dropped the coffin. All I could think of was Grandma saying, "Well excuse me I just fell out of the hearse" which was one of her favourite sayings. I was out of control laughing. Even at Dad's funeral (to date worst day of my life) I laughed pretty much through the entire process. Well, until I had to get up to give his eulogy, then I struggled. But my dad would have laughed - mostly at me - and he wouldn't have minded me saying fuck either - he would have really laughed at that. Anyway, this leads me to my own funeral wishes:

I have to preface this with Darian's prediction that Jen and I will die together of sudden liver failure. Like Thelma and Louise The Sequel. 

• Naturally martinis, red or white wine will be served when you enter. 
• Have not yet decided where the funeral will be held (depends on how infamous I/we are at our death(s). Definitely not a church, actually most churches requested this.
• I would like everyone to sing Country Roads. But it must be sung like I sing it.....badly. Maybe Fat Bottom Girls too, maybe read the crowd, see if they want something a little more upbeat. No hymns for the love of God.
• Crying, wailing. Especially from Ryan (and please make sure he doesn't bring a date) - just kidding, Darian already said she'd take care of that.
• I have not yet decided about cremation. I requested that Ryan build me a mausoleum but that was shut down fairly quickly. I'm 98% leaning towards cremation. 
• Also not sure of my pall bearers. I believe the number I have directly corresponds to my death weight. So is 12 too many? Like bridesmaids! I actually like this idea when I'm alive. Like Cleopatra being cared around. 

Anyway, any day spent with my mom is great. She had a beautiful spot picked out for her and dad (and the ashes of the 4 dogs we have - don't tell her though). She will be around for many years to come (very important because we need to know who they'll be buried by - many need to relocate to a better neighbourhood 😉) And my death will come after I overthrow the nursing home I am lodged at and eliminate curfew and institute Happy Hour at the ripe age of 94. 

August 11

There are certain things that will never cease to amaze me:

1. That I do not have full time parental supervision. Honestly, the fact that I don't have to run some of my decisions past a responsible adult amazes me.

2. That I plant flowers in the summer. I have the attention span of a two month old puppy. By mid-July I'm excited about which plant is going to die first so I can get some off of my deck. (My deck currently looks like an Amazonian rain forest)

3. That I have not identified anyone on Americas Most Wanted. I've watched that show before and sworn I recognized someone from high school.

4. My ability to binge watch a series on Netflix and start talking with an accent. Case in point, I am 3 seasons into Nashville and I'm saying, "Ya'll" and "Gracious". I totally blame my vulgar language on Shameless. 

5. Why I'm not a better singer. Ya'll, I try darn hard but gracious me I sound like a cat getting its tail stepped on. (Thank you Nashville) or Jesus Christ I can't carry a tune on a tin fucking can (Thank you Shameless)

6. Vladimir Putin and as sex symbol. He looks like every evil villain in a Bond movie.

7. Why I don't own a vineyard. Cut out the middle man - genius!

8. Why I cannot do a cartwheel. Actually in recent years my gymnastic ability has digressed to the point that getting off the floor without groaning is an achievement. 

9. Why popcorn isn't a food group. Why sweet Jesus? Why?

10. Why I cannot do eye make up and look like a super model! Nope I look like a meth addicted hooker. Not a good look. 

Just some of the things that keep me up at night. Now off to watch 17 YouTube videos on eye make application and Vladimir memes.....

August 4

There are some crazy laws that are still applicable in Canada.

1. Coin Overload- there are limits to how many coins you can use in 1 transaction. $5 in nickels, $25 in loonies or $40 in toonies. Nothing about dimes or quarters so carry on paying for groceries with them. I think this applies to my poker pot winnings please cash my winnings into bills, preferably $100 bills.

2. No sorcery or enchantment - it is illegal to fraudently pretend to exercise or to use any kind of witchcraft, socery, enchantment or conjugation or to tell fortunes for payment. Now this one confuses me - does this include when I tell someone to go fuck themselves? I sometimes wish people would fuck off. I think I'm walking a fine line on this one.

3. Garage sales - it is illegal to hold more than 2 garage sales a year in Toronto. 2 things I have going for me here - I hate Toronto and I hate garage sales. Should be safe on this one. I am an anti-hoarder, I hate clutter and I'm sure as shit not buying other people's clutter. I also don't like other people trying to wheel and deal with me....or talk to me. 

4. No duelling - it is illegal to challenge or be challenged by someone in a duel. This totally applies to Indian Leg Wrestling. I have a few drinks and think my fat legs are good for something (besides looking fabulous of course!) and I can win a wrestling match. Please, if I ever challenge you to a fight, pat my head and say, no little retard, sit down. 

5. No fake maple - no faking Canadian maple syrup. Again safe on this one. Although it is difficult to maintain this weight I don't really like maple syrup.

6. Leave the Queen alone - it is prohibited to intentionally alarm or frighten the Queen. I absolutely think that this also applies to Princesses!! I think I need to retain a lawyer for this one! Spiders, throat chopping and Lake Tahoe whoopsies will all be illegal. No being scared on the side by side or river boat. Longs walks sometimes frighten me as do undercooked burgers. Oh my goodness I think I need to start writing this down for my lawyer.

August 1

Cleaning house tonight and I thought I would take a 15 minute break to figure out my Apple Music account.....2 hours later.....

• I have made a life long friend with Derrick the Apple support guy
• He lives in Idaho...alone (probably has 16 cats or God forbid someone tied up in the basement) on a side note - I have difficulty getting dog/cat/horse/house sitters, imagine getting someone to take care of your basement prisoner for a weekend!
• Derrick will be joining us for Christmas 
• Derrick took great joy in telling me I didn't need an "update" I needed an "upgrade". Apparently I have not updated since 2011. I didn't think that was bad until I realized it is currently 2017 (screw July, where did 2012 and 2013 go!)
• Still waiting for my upgrade to complete - probably complete mid-2018
• Realized I have been paying for Apple Music for 14 months and have never used it, all the while paying for songs
• Almost positive that Derrick has access to all my iLife. iPhone,iPad,Mac. If I disappear look for me in an Idaho basement....

Looking forward to Tuesday at noon when Derrick calls me back for an update (no joke!)