March 13

So recently I was having a conversation with two other people who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. We were talking about our children. Now I love my children and think the sun pretty much rises and sets with them, but I am legally obligated to feel this way about my offspring. Darian’s about to turn 26 (yes, you can do the math, I had her when I was 12. I was very popular in Grade 6) and Dekker turned 23 in January (in the immortal words of Blink 182 - “no one likes you when you’re 23”)

Now I remind you that I love them but I think that I was a fairly realistic parent. I would tell my children that I thought they were Gods gift to the world, but the minute they stepped outside no one else would share my sentiments. I think I have raised 2 fairly functional humans that are not a burden on society. I also spanked. Spanked freely. Spanked often. Spanked with careless abandon. I fully support spanking. 

Anyway back to my conversation with the 2 un-named persons that have children of their own. Being a parent I feel fully able to share with my friends when their children are being assholes. As they do with mine. I expect no less. They were sharing their frustration with their children. Raising children is not for the faint of heart. It is hard, thankless, frustrating and sometimes heart-warming. You always read those stupid memes about realizing once you’re an adult that your parents weren’t so bad, blah, blah, blah. Not true. You realize when you’re a parent that your parents had no fucking idea what they were doing either. 

When you give birth there should be a “How To” book that comes out after the baby. Maybe in lieu of the afterbirth. So when your child is on hour 3 of a teething crying fit you know what to do. Turn to page 16 - uncontrollable crying try: 

A. Swaddling and rocking

B. Ora Gel for the baby 

C. Rub brandy on the baby’s gums and wait for the magic to occur. Okay before I hear any negativity- my great aunt Agnes was the head nurse at the Eckville Hospital for 1,000 years and her advise is gospel in our home.

I am going to write a “How To” book on child rearing. Maybe not a whole book, maybe just a flow chart. 

Anyway all of my parenting advice comes with a forewarning - Dekker is currently in the Southern Hemisphere avoiding me and Darian has no maternal qualities (I am hoping they develop..... remains to be seen).