March 23

Well my friends you are leaving your salty paradise to return to a snowy, cold paradise. I know your time in Motherfucking Belize (I am only referring to it in its Latin name from now on) was wonderful and you somehow fumbled through with out me and my bikini clad, bodacious body but alas, the time has come to return to your Northern home. Up in the high tundra where we experience winter for a solid 9 months, followed by 3 months of wet, unpredictable weather.  But the good news is I am here, waiting patiently with blue cheese stuffed olives and cold vodka. I know, these are the sacrifices I make for you, my friends. No, more sunny pictures from your delightful holiday for me to me greeted with every day. No more drunken FaceTime calls to tell me, "how much fun you're having". No more "did you feed the cats" or "how is Carter" or "how are my solar panels" Oh, how I'll miss those calls. Nope - as in the immortal words of Eminem  - snap back to reality - oh there goes gravity.

 

 

Just to slowly ease you into the bitter, glacial environment you are returning to I am including a couple of photos for you. By the way, I am going to your house Jen and I will be there at midnight when you return. In your hot tub. Waiting.

 

Fly safe friends!! 

 

March 22

The best part about having a slave, serf, captive, worker, labourer, assistant roommate is the help. The little things like bringing me breakfast in bed, vacuuming, bathing the dog, starting fires, washing windows, changing batteries in the smoke detector, dishes, pedicures, shoveling snow, you know those little things.

He is really coming along. I applaud his efforts. His attitude is exemplary. I think he enjoys his new life of servitude. I’m in no hurry to get rid of him, he seems quite comfortable and has recently stopped crying himself to sleep at night. He really is settling in. I might even be able to stop locking him in his room at night, he has stopped trying to escape (the bars on the windows are a deterrent). 

Thanks Carter - I told you it would be worth it!

March 21

Well Carter has been with me for 5 days and I believe I am excelling at my guardianship requirements.

• He got 87% on a math test. I am sure that this is indirectly related to my positive mathematical influence. I am very proud of him. 
• I taught him most of the words to Dream On. Now, I don’t like casting stones but seriously Brian and Kim! It is tantamount to child abuse you not teaching this child the classics. I taught him loud singing is the best. If you are unsure of the words then you sing louder, with conviction and make that shit up. Car karaoke is the best therapy possible.
• Late suppers. Patience makes food taste better.
• Sweet potatoes- the child hasn’t had sweet potatoes. For the love of God what are you doing!
• We have not yet enjoyed martinis - school nights and all..... But we did have Mimosas on Sunday with Cam and My Captain. Cam is a Mimosa pro. Carter is a sophomore but I do have 3 more days.
• Opening wine. He does it without me even asking. It’s like our time together has made him psychic. It is truly amazing.
• We have been watching Planet Earth on Netflix and he tells me when all the spider parts are over so I don’t accidentally witness the killing and consuming of a dragonfly and have to deal with this horrific nightmares for the next week.
• We have been studying geography - I showed him where “Fucking Belize” is. Also, fun fact, he did not know the country’s actual name was Fucking Belize. I explained it came from the Latin name Motherfucking Belize.
• He is beginning paperwork tonight to have himself legally emancipated and join my family. 

  He is actually missing you guys but I think that Martini Thursday may make things a little easier. Well, not Friday at school but, really, how important are Friday’s?

March 16

So, Carter is on his way back from Belize. He thought long and hard about his decision to leave me and decided that his loyalties lie with me and he is coming home to his second Momma (or third, I lose count). Way to go Carter. The bar has been set high and I have to make Rocky seem as exciting and wonderful as your past week in Belize. I have had some feedback from your Belizean family about your  needs:

1. Rum (and lots of it) - completely have this covered. My goal is to get you drinking martinis this week.
2. Great weather - well....We may have to improvise on this one but if you are drinking martinis like I plan for you to be drinking martinis then I think the weather will no longer be a factor.
3. Possible prostitution... now I think we may need to travel for this......

Brian and Kim have entrusted me with the care of their son. Like, not just, "Can Carter stay with you for the last week of our holiday?" But I get this:

 



So 2 things -

1. I was a negligent parent that would pawn my children off without giving legal consent to care for my children (This is totally a squirrel moment but I have a quick story: We were having a girls supper at the Prairie Creek Inn (wonderful, completely recommend it) and the waitress asks how old the kids are now and that she babysat them once. I looked at Jen - who was sitting beside me - waiting for her to answer.... and then realized the waitress was talking to me! I had no idea who this woman was or when she cared for my kids. I think if we refer to the Handbook that is coming out in lieu of the placenta (I hope everyone read my earlier blog when I referred to this otherwise you may be confused) if you turn to page 56 - Who is Caring for Your Children When You Are Out - I think it is very important to at least know their name. Whoops - parenting fail!)
2. Anyway the second thing - thank you to the Walisser's for entrusting me with your kid. Seriously what were you thinking?! This is the kind of power that completely goes to my head. I suddenly endorse child labour! I am thinking that a face tattoo would be super bad ass. He would be the hit of the parties I am taking him to. Parties at your house - I will run this by your house sitter but I think it is do-able. I'm going to teach him how to drive your Mustang - I'm sure we'll have at least 1 day we can take the old girl for a drive. (Car not me!)

No, I'm just kidding about everything except the face tattoo and the martinis. I will take super good care of him and try to keep him full - a Herculean task I know. Please enjoy your week my friends - love you lots and Carter is in great hands - Bahahaha!!!

March 13

So recently I was having a conversation with two other people who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. We were talking about our children. Now I love my children and think the sun pretty much rises and sets with them, but I am legally obligated to feel this way about my offspring. Darian’s about to turn 26 (yes, you can do the math, I had her when I was 12. I was very popular in Grade 6) and Dekker turned 23 in January (in the immortal words of Blink 182 - “no one likes you when you’re 23”)

Now I remind you that I love them but I think that I was a fairly realistic parent. I would tell my children that I thought they were Gods gift to the world, but the minute they stepped outside no one else would share my sentiments. I think I have raised 2 fairly functional humans that are not a burden on society. I also spanked. Spanked freely. Spanked often. Spanked with careless abandon. I fully support spanking. 

Anyway back to my conversation with the 2 un-named persons that have children of their own. Being a parent I feel fully able to share with my friends when their children are being assholes. As they do with mine. I expect no less. They were sharing their frustration with their children. Raising children is not for the faint of heart. It is hard, thankless, frustrating and sometimes heart-warming. You always read those stupid memes about realizing once you’re an adult that your parents weren’t so bad, blah, blah, blah. Not true. You realize when you’re a parent that your parents had no fucking idea what they were doing either. 

When you give birth there should be a “How To” book that comes out after the baby. Maybe in lieu of the afterbirth. So when your child is on hour 3 of a teething crying fit you know what to do. Turn to page 16 - uncontrollable crying try: 

A. Swaddling and rocking

B. Ora Gel for the baby 

C. Rub brandy on the baby’s gums and wait for the magic to occur. Okay before I hear any negativity- my great aunt Agnes was the head nurse at the Eckville Hospital for 1,000 years and her advise is gospel in our home.

I am going to write a “How To” book on child rearing. Maybe not a whole book, maybe just a flow chart. 

Anyway all of my parenting advice comes with a forewarning - Dekker is currently in the Southern Hemisphere avoiding me and Darian has no maternal qualities (I am hoping they develop..... remains to be seen). 

March 12

So Day 4 of the No Stacy in Belize vacation my former friends are enjoying. These are some of the things I’ve done to occupy myself while you’ve been gone - partying with Belizian Stacy whom I can only assume is as witty, charming and intelligent as Canadian Stacy.

1. Hot tubbed with Ryan at Darren and Jens 🏊‍♀️ 
2. Have fed those cats 14 times 🐱 
3. Went on a road trip with Ryan and hit the ditch (more on that story later) 🚙
4. Broke Brian’s tow rope while on our Fucking Adventure 🏔
5. Gave myself a pedicure 💅🏼
6. Made 24 chocolate chip cookies 🍪
7. Ate 22 chocolate chip cookies🤦🏼‍♀️
8. Watched 3 episodes of Godless - might be hooked📺
9. Read 2 books📕📗
10. Sat at Jen’s island with an empty martini glass....and my dog....and tears.....😭
11. Cleaned my house, decorated for spring, ironed and organized my office🌼
12. Went for a walk with Ryan to the creek. Yes, you read it correctly, a fucking walk!🚶🏼‍♀️
13. Opening a bottle of wine now and probably watching more Godless.🍷🍷🍷

A fucking walk!

Again, only Day 4!

March 11

So my “friends” are on a tropical-end of winter-extravaganza WITHOUT RYAN AND I! While they are vacationing on their island paradise I received a request.....can I blog about their holiday? Why yes, yes I can! This blog to celebrate day 3 of your holiday is a “Want Ad” - for 4 new friends. 

Searching for 4 new best friends. Must be able to drink a variety of alcohol at any given time of day. Willingness to go on an impromptu road trip at the drop of a hat is a must. There will be a strict weight policy that will not be modified for any reason - minimal weight of 160 is non-negotiable. Readiness to cook a variety of dishes strongly recommended as well as the vocabulary of a sailor. (Although correcting pronunciation expected) Excellent sense of humor and self-effacing ability highly favoured. Ability to care for me when I require it and I too will support your emotional needs - usually through ridicule and mocking. Consideration given to someone who can binge watch any series on Netflix and then repeat verbatim for the next week. Communication guy nice but not essential (hasn’t proven reliable in the past). Tiny person would also be considered- the need to squeeze aforementioned into the trunk of a car has been required. Online shopping/intervention required. Perfect martini making ability also highly favoured. Riverboat, cabin in Golden and endless supply of Crunch n’ Munch expected. If this sounds 

like something you are interested in then I promise to love, humor and support you. Please forward resumes and sample martinis to Stacy Ingham. If you are not contacted directly then thank you for your interest and good luck searching for your new best friends, however Ryan and I have decided to continue our search. 

Or all of this can be avoided if you COME HOME. Also Jen, I’ve decided you need to gain weight. 

Love you guys and have fun.