June 30

I have to start this story with love - love to my mom and my aunts. Now that I have that out of the way I can share the horrors of my childhood. When there were milestones in my Grandpa and Grandma Smith's lives my mom and her sisters would plan entertainment for the party. The entertainment was me and my cousins singing. Those sick twisted women would force us to dress up and sing some God awful song to our poor grandparents. Let me reassure everyone that we were not the Von Trapps. I would compare us to the sound a cat makes while being bathed. 

I remember G&G's 40th wedding anniversary (picture attached) was the last time we got the band together. I apologize on behalf of myself and my cousins to any family members that had to sit through our melodious ditty. I remember that Ryan was there and I thought my cool factor dropped by a solid 100 points. I am proud to say that I never inflicted that suffering and torment on my own children. I do think it may have instilled a love of song though, and I am not ashamed to share my symphonic screeching around a camp fire. 

Occasionally I wake up in a cold sweat worrying about the words to the song I need to sing in public. Obviously a clear case of PTSD. I think the only way to deal with this trauma is to get the band back together for a reunion tour and make our mothers sit through 5 or 6 verses of an archaic church hymn. Better yet, a couple verses of a Jay Z song. 

June 28

So now that graduation is rolling around again and another set of bright eyed young adults are setting off into the world, or back to their parents basements (I'm not judging) I understand your dilemma.  I am a pseudo mom/friend/confidant/inspiration (just bloody go with me on the "inspiration" part!!) to a few of the grads this year - Cam Williams, Riley Walisser, Ryan O'Toole, Haley Willert, Steph Hazelaar just to name a few. Haley had on her Instagram page - "Graduating in 4 days and yet still don't know what I'm doing with my life" and I wanted to share with her some of my observations.

I am now 46 and I'm still not sure I'm an adult. I thought I would morph into an adult when I turned 18 - nope. 21 - Nope. Married - nope. Had a baby - nope. Bought a vehicle, lost a grandparent(s), got a mortgage, travelled internationally independently, considered a boob job, waxed my armpits, quit a job, went to college, got a career, voted, bitched about the deficit, started an RRSP, started drinking martinis, stopped drinking martinis, started drinking martinis again, got a tattoo….. the list is endless and still NO. I don't think that the goal is adulthood. I think the goal is goodness. Trueness. Integrity. Bad-ass-ness. Dedication. Love. Patience. Forgiveness. Humility. Laughter. Sadness. Joy. These should be your goals - not adulthood. Your girls (and Riley!) are wonderful young people who I enjoy being around and are on the cusp of an amazing future. And fuck being an adult - I have decided it is too much work!!!Best wishes, lots and lots of love and congratulations on your achievement.

And if that didn't make you feel better here is a truly 80's picture of me at graduation….

June 27

You know why I love my friends? They are wonderful people that are so much fun to be around. Unless of course you have a slight mishap with your husband's precious side by side that he may or may not love more than you. Then they are vicious creatures that argue over who is going to tell Ryan and what his reaction is going to be. These are my friends that accompanied me on Saturday. 

I am just kidding, Jennifer was out of Fuzzy's side by side and to mine before I had even come to a complete stop, Erin was there within seconds and Kim was supportive from afar (she was worried about my co-pilot Carter - broken limbs, bruises etc). I felt the love girls. The boys too were there pushing me out of way to right side the bike. And they were muttering about the bike, the door being bent, the oil draining, Ryan being mad, blah, blah, blah.  No concern for me or Carter (we were both fine). Anyway all was well no damage, no bruises, no harm, no foul. 

And for the record - the first thing Ryan asked was, "Is Stacy okay?" ❤️

 

June 23

Things that I appreciate now that I am 41......ish........

1. Being a parent. Who knew it was this hard? I thought you just made up some rules and kids just happily follow them. Well that is how I was - Scott was a TOTALLY different story! ;-). My kids are pretty great. It only took 48,874 spankings, 829 hours of grounding and more threats than a Donald Trump interview.
2. Ryan. He does put up with a lot is shit. Not from me. But quite a bit from Jennifer.
3. My friends. The older you get the better they get. Love you bitches - all of you.
4. Coffee. Pretty much the only reason I get out of bed, unless I have a hangover, then
 thank you Lord Jesus for beer and clam. And Advil and Tylenol and more sleep and a greasy Mushroom burger from Burger Baron (no cheese or bacon if you ever feel the need to buy me one) .
5. Red wine. Merlot, Malbec, Cab Sauv, in a pinch Pinot Noir. And a special shout out to Wine Wednesday (flowed by Martini Thursday). It took me awhile to grow to love red wine, but like a finely tuned athlete that is training for the Olympics, I persevered. I struggled long and hard, both day and night and my dreams were realized - I love red wine.
6. Cheaper insurance. It is still ridiculously expensive just slightly less so. Unfortunately life insurance is more expensive....
7. Laugh lines. Refer to 1, 2 and 3. Some wrinkles are well earned and the lines around my eyes and mouth are from laughing. Sometimes at myself, mostly at myself.
8. Confidence - definitely care much less about what people think. Unfortunately I also lack a filter so pretty much whatever I think comes out my mouth. My inner voice ALWAYS escapes.
9. Not worrying about getting pregnant. Oh Lawdy, this is a good one. Who knew a hysterectomy was such a great idea!? I am sure it is similar to the glorious feeling the Wright brothers had when they took flight.
10. hmmm.....struggling with 10...... Oh ya! I forget everything! It is very convenient when I have done something very embarrassing. Give me 10 minutes and it never happened.

June 21

Things you never appreciate when you are young:

1. No bills. Sure living by my mom and dad's rules were the cross I had to bear but I adapted (I regularly snuck out my window, well until I eventually got caught - that's a story for another time). 

2. The wisdom of my grandparents. 

3. Belly shirts. Why in the name of God did I not wear them more regularly? And isn't it ironic that they are called "belly shirts" but you can't wear them when you have a big belly?!

4. My eyesight. Now if I don't have my glasses it is a guessing game when I'm driving - "Is that a deer in the ditch?" Nope only a stump, that I pass every time I drive home but I cannot let my guard down, one of these times there will be a tricky deer there just waiting for the opportunity to scare the shit out of me.

5. Farts. I'm sure most of you know my horror story but sometimes I cannot fart with confidence.....

6.  My weight. Oh my God, if I could go back to my high school weight I would NEVER wear clothes. 

7. Grey hair. I spend a fortune on hair colouring but as soon as the door to the hair dressers hits my fat ass on the way out I sprout 15 new grey hairs. 

8. Dallas, Falcon Crest and Dynasty. My life pretty much revolved around those shows.

9. The price of gas. I could fill up my vehicle for $18.00. Then cruise main street for 6 hours. 

10. Summer holidays!!!! 

June 20

I just finished reading the biography of Prince Charles and I cannot believe I am admitting this but.....I kinda like Camila. I never thought I would ever utter those words. Next I will be voting for the NDP, who have I become?!

I think she would be fun to have a few glasses of wine with. Her and Pink and Jann Arden and maybe, just maybe Oprah. But not Oprah that is going to diagnose your problems. The Oprah that will bitch about her worst celebrity guests. And the chubby Oprah, not post marathon 40-ish Oprah. 

But Prince Charles is a loon. I am very much a royalist, I like that Canada is a Commonwealth country but Prince Charles has no sense of reality.....not unlike the NDP actually! 

I don't think I could have drinks with Charles, I would end up calling him "Chuck" and saying fuck 1,375 times in our conversation. 

June 19

Occasionally I get inspired to lose weight. Inspired may not be the right word.....forced?....... yes, forced. Forced by my stupid jeans. I would like to just go and buy bigger jeans but they keep shrinking. Fucking dryer! 

When I was younger I could eat and drink anything and still wear single digit sizes. Ah, the old days. Now I look at food and I gain weight. Okay, that sounds a little victim-ish. I eat like a 400 pound pro-football player and drink like and Irishman and exercise less than anyone I know. Maybe there is a correlation, maybe not, it's not for me to decide. All I know is it's out of control. 

So tonight I walked to Jennifer's house, ate a very healthy dinner, only had 1 glass of wine and fuck it's easy! 2 more days of this and I should hit my goal weight. I am not going to take the "Before" and "After" pictures, instead I am doing an artistic rendition of the before and after photos. 

A poor man's Photoshop if you will. I will keep you all posted on my journey....

  

June 18

I had the craziest dream: 

I was in the hospital. It was a beautiful spa like hospital. I was sharing a room with Gail Mason (and Gail if it was a plastic surgery clinic I'm not sure why the hell you are there!) Anyway, it was quite a process I was going through because I was in there for a long time. Jennifer came in (checked in) and she was talking to Gail who was complaining about how loudly I snore. 

Rebecca you were also there, not getting a procedure. You were the mayor of the town and your name was Pepsi. You stopped by to visit and you were rocking a cute up-do. 

Anyway, there was going to big reveal after my surery(s) and.....wait.......RYAN'S CELL PHONE RANG AND WOKE ME UP! 

Needless to say I woke up with high expectations......I want my money back! 

1. Not sure what I ate/drank last night to have that crazy dream.

2. I think Gail was there as my "after" model. I took her in with me and said the the doctor, "I want to look like this"

3. Becky, Pepsi is a stripper name not a mayor. You should be a "Susan" or a "Paula". But your hair was terrific!

4. Jen, why were we not sharing a room. Are we fighting? I can't remember the status of our friendship after the Oilmen's.

5. Gail, true story. I do snore. If we ever share a hospital room I will provide you, the nurses, the doctors and the cleaning staff all with ear plugs. 

6. I'm terrified that it wasn't a hospital, but a treatment facility........

June 16

Well I have been saying that I'm going to do a blog forever.....

So here I am. Clueless. Starting a blog that 3 of my friends (and my husband and my 2 kids) will read only after I cajole and nag them.

Enjoying a glass (okay two) of red with Ryan and priding myself on my technological prowess and then reality hits - Riggs throws up a bird he ate earlier in the day. So really, I can have a blog but I still have dog puke on my lawn...

Update from my above note: my technological prowess was honestly somewhat lacking. Darian came home and helped me. NOW shit's going to happen!