Nov 6 and 7th

So I’m going to be perfectly honest- both days are pretty fuzzy. On the 6th we played cards all day and did not leave the island and today we played cards all day at the island and out on the deck. So same, same. I would like to tell you all on the Shannon-iggins we did but, 2 things: you probably wouldn’t find them as funny as us and I cannot remember most of them. There were 15,000 tears shed and only 17 of them in sorrow, which is amazing because between the 6 of us we have 3 dead dads, 3 dead dogs, 1 divorce, 38 problem children and 1 bad mother-in-law…… so there was only a bit of therapy. And I’m EXHAUSTED from giving out therapy. Whew, these girls are a mess! I think I have done a fairly good job of talking everyone through their issues and they are ready to re-emerge into society and be “fairly” health capacity. I am not sure if everyone appreciates the hours I put into these girls mental health, but suffice it to say, it’s ALOT. So good news, I’m ready to tuen these ladies back into society. They’re ready. Time to push my little birds out of the nest to let them fly. This is my calling. To help.

I love you ladies. Unless we get arrested in Banff. Then I have no fucking idea who you are and don’t hold my hand!

November 5

Warren Kolisnek is such a support. This is his morning text:

Warren: Is it a morning of Polygrip and a vitamin train? Mimosa’s with prune juice? 

And yesterday, when it took us 15 hours to get here:

Warren: “Did you make it tithe geriatric party yet? A weekend of bridge and lawn bowling. Maybe needlepoint in the afternoon with the evenings jam packed with. Good game of bingo”

So laugh is on you! We used to do needlepoint….in our 30’s!? Now our days are filled with (in no particular order): coffee….coffee again when we realized that last night, when we were fairly liquored, we forgot to put the filter in the coffee pot, then a couple beer, then a couple more with Clamato, then a game of dominoes, then we solved world hunger, then we had Caesars, then we were ready for politics, a healthy conversation about socialism versus capitalism (we know where I fall on that subject), the 45 minutes of 80 and 90’s karaoke (at a volume level that is 2 decibels lower than Woodstock), then vodka and Soda’s and we were ready for yoga. A solid 7 minutes of yoga and on to poker and Facebook stalking - which is difficult when your internet connection is spotty. A quick time check and it is 10:08. This is the moment we realize we are 50. We were all awake at 6:30. A.M. In. The. Morning. In the old days this would be when we were going to bed, but now we are awake then because we don’t want to alter our regular schedule. 

We had a very quiet day, where we were entirely responsible and made good decisions. And we are doing a lot of pre-planning for tomorrow. We are taking this shit show on the road. Pub crawl to Golden. God, fucking help us. 

Oh, shit, did I mention the mumu’s?

November 4

Okay, again, in the honor of complete disclosure, this may not be for the of faint heart….Merrly picked us up….,,, LATE!! Yep, late. I’m not sure if everyone knows the rules abut road trips?! You NEVER, NEVER pick up ladies, who are over the age of 23, late. They. Will. Be. Drunk. Was this a secret? In my life I have been pre-road trip buzzing roughly 238 times, and never in my 238 year history have I ever gotten more sober. I know this probably says more about me than it does about me the driver. And I do not think “gotten” is a word, I apologize.

But I regress - Merrily was late.But she drives like a rock star. We were forced 🙄 to divert through Radium. It was awful for me. One more pee break on the side of the road, I know…..awful. We decided that we can no longer do a Chinese fire drill. A 50-year-old-fire-drill is when we all get out of the vehicle, have a pee, refill the cooler and then wander around aimlessly until Merrily herds us all back into the vehicle. 

Anyway -I was trying to tell a story - this is also a near impossible feat - to get through an entire story without being interrupted or forgetting what you were saying. Also, we did have a couple puffs from the medicinal vape so that also made talking difficult. In the middle of my story I announced,”Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore.” Obviously my mouth and my brain weren’t working together, but I definitely didn’t mean to say Oprah.  But it is a true story - Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore, but also true story - she never did call me at home or at work or anytime. 

So when we stopped for our 43rd pee break - we got out, found our spots to pee, Trena re-filled the cooler -again - and we all got back in the truck - had to all search for our phones before we left and then we headed out. Then Trena announced that SHE DIDN’T PEE! Merrily pulled over but Trena said there was a vehicle behind us - Merrily slammed on the brakes and yelled at Trena, “IT’S A YARD LIGHT! GET THE FUCK OUT AND PEE!” And we wonder why it took us 22 days to get to Golden?!

While we driving it dawned on me that I was traveling with my pall bearers so I took the opportunity to give some instructions. Firstly, they are going to have to be strong. As much as I say I’m going to lose weight, let’s be honest, I’ll always be a solid lady. And dead weight, I can’t imagine how heavy I am going to be. Also my coffin - it is going to be heavy - I am worried about my Pall Bearer Team. I have to loose some weight for the girls. I also need to know if they’re right handed or left handed - important in my placement decisions. But there is 5 girls - I need a sixth. And a spotter. Like someone in training just in case one of these bitches breaks a hip or has a hangover. And I want crying at my funeral. Sobbing. Fuckers better be sad when I’m gone. 

Okay - having a coffee and playing marbles so gotta go. 

Nov 4

So, I am doing calisthenics, deep breathing, mental preparation…there is a girl’s weekend brewing…Trena is turning 50. She is the long last in a long run of amazing ladies turning 50. (On a total side note: WTF - how did 50 happen so fucking fast?!) So block me, unfriend me or ignore me….. or get some fucking bail money because shit is going to get real…..)

September 20

So….that fucker made it back in. You know I was almost starting to hope….

But anyway, we are spending a lovely holiday in Victoria. My very wonderful friend Dean McLeod turned 50 and Darian came over to help me celebrate with him. I am so pissed - I took no pictures! Fuck. You know what I did do? Shots! And also Dean, I peed in your driveway while I was waiting for the cab. I’m all class.

But in my hotel room I’m currently sharing with Darian, I have no book to read. But…you know what reading suggestion the hotel gave me? Yep, the bible, the one and only. Now quick side note… Joan - stop reading this blog! 😉

So, please don’t ruin the end of the book - no spoilers, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned…

1. There is three ethnicities- Jews, Greeks and slaves. Pick wisely my friends…
2. There is only two genders - men and angels (but before you pick apparently the dudes are angels as well)
3. Darian asked me, “who was the guy that changed religion? He was German.” I said, “Hilter.” No. Martin Luther (who, btw, was my second guess). Luther said - “let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave” - this confuses me? Is she happy to see him come home because he brought pizza? Is she sad to see him leave because he didn’t empty the dishwasher? The author of this book is not very focused.
4. “Wine is a mocker, a strong drink that turns the wisest man into a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” - firstly, I like that they acknowledge men are worse at holding their alcohol. Second, only when you are drunk do you say what you really want to say. You are pretty wise when you’re drunk - not articulate but wise.
5. “And the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you”” - so for sure God endorses carbs. I fucking called that!
6. Wait, wait - we have a rodeo, “saddle the donkey for me. They saddled the donkey for him and he rode away on it”  it then THEY ATE BREAD TOGETHER! Again with the carbs! 
7. But wait! It gets worse for the donkey guy! A fucking lion met him on the way and killed him?! What? Is this a Tarantino movie? The timeline is all over the place! And the sentence structure is ridiculous.
8. There is a first book of chronicles so I’m kind of excited - I think we are going to go to Narnia right away.

So, the book isn’t that exciting so I skipped to the end to see what happens. I can’t tell a lie. It was slightly sexual and it made me uncomfortable. But I think I need to have full disclosure - we are staying at the Marriott which, apparently is an Evangelical hotel. I’m not sure about the Delta - Buddhism? The Fairmont - catholic? Fuck, now I have to look for a good deal AND what hotel is going to save my soul! But I think might be my first Christian blog. I think I’m pretty good at it. Eat bread and kill the donkey guy! 

September 10

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, my criminal activities have finally been recognized. Al Capone was caught through tax evasion, Ted Bundy was caught stealing a car…how was I caught? I answered my cellphone. Yes, an innocent, “Hello” and my world came crashing down. Here is an informal transcript of my damnation:

Me: Hello? (In a musical, lovely tone, eager to visit with whoever was calling me from Waterloo) 

Waterloo: Hello Anastacia? 

Me (thinking, “fuck, this must be serious?!): Yes?

Waterloo: This is Border Control and we are calling to inform you that there is a warrant out for your arrest.

Me: What did you catch me for? (Thinking of my various crimes)

Waterloo: This call is being recorded.

Me: Good, because I won’t remember what the fuck in confess to.

Waterloo: Recently a package crossed the border addressed to you with more than 4 different kinds of drugs in it, like cocaine and fentanyl and more than $94,000 dollars in it. 

Me: Which border?

Waterloo: THE border.

Me: That makes no sense. I sent the $94,000 to BUY the drugs. What drugs did I get?

Waterloo: Can you spell your name? 

Me: Will you spell it to me and I’ll tell you if it is correct….

Waterloo: WILL YOU PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME?!

Me: (I can read Anna Karina faster than I can spell my name…..this is a side note but can you not agree that when anyone names an innocent child Anastacia Jean Bardenhagen that it is some twisted form of child abuse? I think my mom was punishing me for being born breach. I was 7 before I could spend my name! And, by the way, as a fetus I knew I was going to be born ass first so the world could kiss it, well most of the world, not Waterloo….back to my story) A.N.A.S.T.A.C.I.A  B.E.A.V.E.R.B.O.N.E.S. (Now, I know that Anastacia Beaverbones is not my legal name but my Uncle Wade christened me Beaverbones before I could spell Anastacia and I thought I should honour that by sharing it with Waterloo)

Waterloo: That is not the name we have on file.

Me: Hmmm….that’s strange. I always get my drugs delivered as Anastacia Beaverbones. Is this why I am not getting my Free People packages?

Waterloo: You are buying free people?

Me: Well you cannot buy slaves through the mail….

Then Waterloo hung up on me! So I am sure that the RCMP will show up at any given moment. I might need a lawyer. But on a positive note I am getting at least 4 different kinds of drugs AND $94,000 but, alas, no slaves. 

July 19

I recently got in shit from my mom and Barb Schooler - two women who, normally, I don’t get shit from. Okay, listen, Barb doesn’t give me shit but my mom…..well I sometimes get some passive aggressive shit from her. Anyway, I got in shit for not blogging and - full disclosure - I am: 

1. Lazy
2. Exhausted 
3. Busy
4. Lazy
5. COVID - seriously difficult to blog during a pandemic, and lastly -
6. Lazy

But there are a few things I’d like to share - measuring cups (I’m not talking about this now but it is a future blog so please remind me), COVID (but Jesus Christ I am sick of hearing and/or talking about it), my dog and his seizure (I am not emotionally stable enough for that one yet), my friends (always make me laugh and in the spirit of total honesty - pee a little bit) but right now I would like to talk about 50.

So recently I turned 50. Hard to believe because of my incredible skin elasticity and lack of cellulite, but it is true. Also, my lack of elasticity is due to my natural filler (fat) and my lack of cellulite is directly attributed to my aforementioned natural filler. On a total side note - ladies please say no to filler. I have seen pictures and it is awful - age gracefully- Grey Goose will help.

So anyway- 50. I am so glad I made it through those awkward years - 14 thru 49 - ugh! What a trial that was! Now I am truly an adult. I have been waiting with baited breathe for this age and let me tell you - it did not disappoint. I recognized my inner strength, my vast knowledge and patience was rewarded with an inner peace and tranquillity. I am not ashamed to say that I looked down upon those still unfortunate enough to be struggling through their 40’s and pitied their delusions and unwarranted sense of accomplishment. Oh you children, you just don’t understand the true meaning of life…..

Then dawned day 18,251 of my existence (aka the day after my 50th birthday) and I realized that my warranty expired the day before. My knees hurt, I had an unexplained tingling in my left hand that would not go away, I could no longer see far away OR close up, I had 10,000 fine lines around my eyes, I couldn’t sleep through the night without getting up to pee, polyester is now my fabric of choice, grey hair in sprouting as I speak. What. The. Fuck. I am regretting not investing in the extended warranty (eating well and limiting my alcohol intake) I think I am seeing the result. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like an adult but this adult has to be in bed sleeping by 10:00 and needs at least 50 ounces of water a day. I am adjusting fairly well - more sleep, more water, martinis and progressive glasses but damn growing up is hard!