March 11

So my “friends” are on a tropical-end of winter-extravaganza WITHOUT RYAN AND I! While they are vacationing on their island paradise I received a request.....can I blog about their holiday? Why yes, yes I can! This blog to celebrate day 3 of your holiday is a “Want Ad” - for 4 new friends. 

Searching for 4 new best friends. Must be able to drink a variety of alcohol at any given time of day. Willingness to go on an impromptu road trip at the drop of a hat is a must. There will be a strict weight policy that will not be modified for any reason - minimal weight of 160 is non-negotiable. Readiness to cook a variety of dishes strongly recommended as well as the vocabulary of a sailor. (Although correcting pronunciation expected) Excellent sense of humor and self-effacing ability highly favoured. Ability to care for me when I require it and I too will support your emotional needs - usually through ridicule and mocking. Consideration given to someone who can binge watch any series on Netflix and then repeat verbatim for the next week. Communication guy nice but not essential (hasn’t proven reliable in the past). Tiny person would also be considered- the need to squeeze aforementioned into the trunk of a car has been required. Online shopping/intervention required. Perfect martini making ability also highly favoured. Riverboat, cabin in Golden and endless supply of Crunch n’ Munch expected. If this sounds 

like something you are interested in then I promise to love, humor and support you. Please forward resumes and sample martinis to Stacy Ingham. If you are not contacted directly then thank you for your interest and good luck searching for your new best friends, however Ryan and I have decided to continue our search. 

Or all of this can be avoided if you COME HOME. Also Jen, I’ve decided you need to gain weight. 

Love you guys and have fun.

February 16

In an effort to bring a smile I am going to share with everyone my enormous left breast photo. I do not think it needs an introduction it is making itself quite well known. Now never before has that boob been needing this much attention. I have a few theories on this substantial breast:

1. It was caught mid-flight on its way over my left shoulder....
2. It is trying to get Ryan's beer.....
3. One of my fat rolls is caught in my bra giving the false impression of a large left breast...
4. Both my right and left boobs are sharing 1 cup....
5. I store all of my good ideas in that side of my bra and I am bursting with information....

Also, please note, that is NOT a nipple, it is the bolt in the picnic table. I also think I do not need a boob job, I only need this picnic table everywhere I go. We have been trying to recreate this photo and, alas, to no avail. Like Halley's Comet, contracting chicken pox or hearing Rachel Notley say something intelligent - this was a once in a lifetime event. I am glad that Ol' Leftie, as I affectionately call her, had her moment in the sun. On July 15, 2015. At Vermillion Crossing.

You were a beauty for 15 minutes and I understand that those standards are difficult to maintain and you can live proudly knowing Lil' Righty, as I affectionately call the other one, has never made me as proud as you did. Love you left boob and the other people who are in these picture but I cannot focus on....

February 15

I have to do a blog about my dear friend Tony. Jen and I were honored to do all we could do to help Brian and Kim bury their child. No parent should ever have to face the pain and heartache that these wonderful people are braving. I love you more than you could possibly know and I respect and admire your grace and love during this nightmare. You both amaze me.

I did not get to say a few things about Tony but I would like to now. What an amazing human. We only had him for a very short 16 years but I cannot believe the impression this young man made on my life. What a true inspiration. Very few people make me belly laugh every few sentences, but my God that child did. I loved being around him. Honestly, just being in his presence was blissful. He did not need to talk – we would make eye contact and both roll our eyes. He was so brutally honest, which I loved almost as most as his humor. He was my go-to guy many times just because I knew he would appreciate my twisted sense of humor, and I his. I just loved him like my own.

I promise to you that we will all remember you with laughter and love. I can’t imagine it now, but we will get there. It’s funny – whenever I think of you or remember times we all spent together, I think there was a glow around you. You were a gift that was given for 16 years. What a fucking amazing gift. Love you Tony.

February 1

Oh my God, I try. I swear to God I try, but I wish I could have stick and hit people who drive me bat shit crazy!!! In lieu of my beating stick, and because I consider this blog some form of venting, I have to share my thoughts on 2018 so far.  I think I am making my New Year’s resolutions  in mid-February for the Chinese New Year.  Here goes:

1.       I am not a good person. It’s all I can do not to have a Tourette Syndrome outburst and lose my mind. I am always two steps away from a Brittney Spears meltdown – shave my head  and start smashing cars with an umbrella. I interact with people and walk away and roll my eyes. If Eye Rolling was an Olympic sport I would take Gold, Silver and Bronze. If eye rolling burned calories I would be 85 pounds. My Chinese New Year’s resolution is to NOT shave my head…baby steps…

2.       This should be number 1. People who live in the city, sit on their asses 40 hours a week on the 7^th floor of some office building in downtown Edmonton, breathing recycled air, listening to their shitty new age music, going to yoga at night, tofu eating mother fuckers that try to tell me that my side by side is destroying the earth. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Please. Take you opinion in the Edmonton Journal about the torque of my OHV and the song bird bullshit and shove it up your ass. I live here. I listen to the birds. I am a responsible OHV user. And you know what?! I clean up the garbage you leave behind after you come to MY BACKYARD on the long weekend . My Chinese New Year’s resolution – to fight this Y2Y bullshit worth every fibre of my being.

3.       The NDP commercials on the radio. When Rachel tries to defend Albertans over the Robin Hood hating Jason Kenny. Rachel, do not every include me in your little RA RA speech. I am going to take out my own radio ad – “If you earn it, it’s yours. Not some lazy bastard on welfare.” I heard that the UPC approval rating in Alberta is 57% and NDP is 23%. Good. This time next year Rachel can pack her bags, call her horrible cousin Kathleen Wynne and rent a basement suite with her. They can knit blankets for the underprivileged. My Chinese New Year’s resolution – stop counting the days until the NDP is a sad footnote in Alberta’s history and start counting the hours.

4.       Changing the lyrics of Oh Canada. Oh Canada, what are you doing? Really? Are transgender people losing sleep over the lyrics to our national anthem? Do they take this as a personal affront? Little history on our national anthem. The original lyrics were, “True patriot love thou doust in us command” but was changed before the First World War to encourage young men to sign up to fight. I just think with everything Canadians are facing – immigration, NAFTA concerns, lumber tariffs, TSX poor performance,  carbon taxes, the money we spend on Justin’s hair products – that we need to spend ANY time on song lyrics is a little embarrassing. Seriously Canada – man up (sorry, I was being gender specific with that comment). Get your shit together and deal with real issues. Our drama teacher leader should not worry about what other teachers are saying about him in the lunch room and do his god damn job! My Chinese New Year’s resolution – sing loud and proud – “In all our SONS command”.

 

I apologize for my Brittney outburst, but seriously, please tell me you are with me. Please, tell me that there are other sane Albertans that constantly shake their heads and wonder what we are doing? Who is driving the ship?

January 18

After yesterday’s grumpy blog I feel it’s important to be more positive. I talk a lot about things I hate, but here is one thing I love - Calgary. I do, not enough to live there, but I really enjoy the city.

• To me there is only 6 streets - Deerfoot, Memorial, Crowchild, McLeod, Glemore and 16th. I always ask Darian, “Where is that from Memorial?” When Darian drives and we use other streets I’m so excited- it’s like finding Narnia. But alas, I can never find them again. 
• Downtown Calgary. Work takes me there regularly and I have stayed in all the hotels. I know the best restaurants, spas and parking lots. 
• I love the Calgary airport. Best place to people watch. When people tell me they fly out of Edmonton I unfriend them. Calgary airport stories are some of my favourite.
• Concerts at the Saddledome. I know, it’s old, but I love Saddledome concerts. 
• Chinook Mall. I only wish it had a larger Roots store. But that is why the Lord Jesus gave us Banff.
• Christmas shopping with Jen or Jen and Trena or Jen, Trena and Merrily. And once Tracy. Frank, the guy that runs the bar at The Carriage House, knows it’s not Christmas until we show up. And Redstone Grill - it is shopping tradition that we close the place. 
• Calgary winter is always the rest of Alberta’s spring. It is forty below in the entire province but Calgary is enjoying a balmy -5 degrees. The Canadian Geese never leave! Perpetual spring. 
• Eating in downtown on weekdays- everyone around you is talking oil and gas industry. And it’s positive! Those are my people. 
• Rush hour. I’ve driven through downtown Denver, Seattle, Vegas and Vancouver. Calgary rush hour is a chance to do some carpool karaoke. 
• Driving to Calgary on highway 22 and enjoying the view. Beautiful. And also knowing where the popo usually sit.....

Now the one thing I don’t like about Calgary.....The Flames. I can’t. I just cannot. I went to a Flames game and I felt so disloyal. I apologized to everyone around me and explained I was an Oiler fan and although I appreciated their little team, they are not the real team in Alberta. I felt terrible. I wanted to call the Oilers and confess my disloyalty. In a perfect world the Oilers would be in Calgary but I guess Calgary gets a small Roots store in Chinook and the Calgary Flames - we all have our crosses to bear.....

January 17

So today I was driving to Calgary this morning for a meeting and I was scrolling through radio channels trying to find Jack FM. I love that station but I can never remember where it is. Anyway I passed by 18 Christian channels and 6 French channels and I stumbled on a talk station. I abhor talk radio. Hate, hate, hate it. But they were discussing the 11 year old that claimed a white guy tried to cut off her hijab. This claim was quickly taken as gospel buy our illustrious Prime um Minister um, Justin, um Trudeau, Kathlyn “Notley’s Older, Worse Sister” and Toronto’s Mayor - not Rob Ford. 

As much as it goes against everything I believe in, I continued to listen. In anger. Setting aside this kids reason for doing this - bullying? Parents making her wear it? Really who cares? At 11 you know better. Why was it not an Asian or a Black man or another Muslim? I am not a racist - everyone drives me crazy. I don’t care what race, religion, gender, sexual preference, occupation, age or nationality you are - DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. I don’t ask for a DNA swab before I decide you are an asshole. I am equally judgemental.

I am somewhat indifferent to immigration. Last I checked 95% of Canadians are immigrants. It would do well for some people to remember this. Whether you’re first, second, third or further - we are immigrants. Our grandparents or great grandparents all immigrated to this country for a variety of reasons but we assimilated. Sure our country is a “melting pot” of cultures but if your 11 year old child is claiming she was physically attacked, to an entire nation, because of her hijab then this family should be having a serious discussion about their reasoning behind wearing this garment. 

Now, before the whole “it’s in the Quran” blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. I also don’t care about the Bible. I cannot imagine that God would specially address women’s apparel. Really? I think he has bigger fish to fry. I wish the first chapter in all these books was: 1. DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. 

I disagree with burkas completely, I think it is a ridiculous ideology that hiding a woman’s face and body will protect men from looking at them and having impure thoughts. Take off the burka and carry a taser. That too will discourage impure thoughts. And let’s address the elephant in the room - if you cannot control your physical urges then you are a sexual predator. Period. 

My only other immigration comment is, after assimilation, leave your extreme beliefs in the country you were being persecuted in. We are a peaceful nation, being lead by a moron. We enjoy hockey and bitching about the weather. Get a job, don’t be a burden on society. Don’t break the law (should be immediate deportation). Don’t bring your Muslim versus Jewish or Christianity nonsense here. Don’t be an extremist- in any religion - Baptist, Catholic, Islamic, Dutch Reform - you’re all fine. Your God loves you all equally. 

Anyway, this is why I hate talk radio. All I wanted was classic 80’s rock. 

And I decided the group that drives me the most crazy - slow drivers in the fast lane! 

January 5

Quick Dekker update: he has left Nicaragua and travelled south and is in Costa Rica. Apparently there is not yet a maternal pull to make him return to the Great White North, but it is only Day 9 so my hopes remain high.

Watching the Canada Juniors game and (of course) I am cheering for a win but bless the Swedes if they get it. They are a spunky bunch! And big! Edited since my initial post: no longer good wishes to Sweden. Hacking little bastards! 

While watching this impressive, fast game I have an Oilers Theory. I think it is no coincidence that their miserable season also coincides with their unfortunate choice in the vile, neon orange they chose for their jerseys. Heads should role for that choice. Looking at their jerseys is comparable to staring straight at an eclipse (although I cannot verify this, Donald Trump, can. But as of the publication time of this blog he has not returned my call) I can only hope that someone is going to call an emergency board meeting to recall all jerseys sold. No harm, no foul. We can still make playoffs.

My next theory (not sure I’ve shared this one before) - the gravitational pull is stronger at my house than anywhere else in the world. This would explain the ridiculous number the scale shows me. 

Anyway, enjoying a quiet night at the rig with Ryan (quiet for me - he is busy) and slowly recovering from this god awful disease that Jennifer kindly shared with me.