December 31

This is it kids - last day of 2017. One year closer to getting rid of Rachel Notley. One year closer to me achieving my goal weight of 220. One year closer to winning the lottery. We decided last night that in lieu of New Years resolutions we are going to eliminate words from our Golden vernacular. This is the current list, but it is still growing:

Rehab - all forms. Alcohol, weight, emotional and sex (we also do think there is such a thing as sex addiction)

Meeting - all forms

Shortcut - this is a highly deceptive word. Darren’s definition of shortcut is an additional 6 hour ride. 

Wagon - unless the wagon is taking us through a drive thru and on to the liquor store. Then we’ll jump on for a short ride.

Skinny - for obvious reasons

Shower - although this is Day 3 and it will soon be a legal requirement 

Sober - for obvious reasons 

Working Hot Tub - sadly the hot tub in Golden has died. I think the spider did it. We are all going to sit in the bathtub this afternoon. Necessity is the mother of invention. We are inventing a new hot tub.

Flu - Jen is currently suffering from some illness that I’m quite sure we are all going to catch after our bath/hot tub this afternoon 

Asian - because we all look Asian today

Cougar - we prefer attractive ladies as our definition, although the lack of showering is putting that definition in jeopardy 

Windchill - possibly the worst word in the English language 

Rent - Darren is toying with the idea of charging us all rent 😳

Pregnant- there is a large, dangerous set of stairs that would address that concern. Coincidentally, those same stairs could address our Darren/rent issue as well

Last call - doesn’t happen in Golden

Diet - doesn’t happen in Golden 

Spider! I never want to hear this word anywhere!

Brian also added some words after his sled ride yesterday:

Avalanche 

Beacon

Side hill

Forearm muscles

Strap-on..... what? What goes on when you boys go on your little excursions?

Tonight we are leaving the safety of the cabin and adventuring in Golden. I have called ahead to warn them.

December 30

I hate cold weather but I like that it prevents snakes, spiders and other nasties from invading my home. That was until last night when a spider the size of a fucking Volkswagen beatle was spotted on the wall at Golden. Darren rescued it and it crawled under the couch. Later in the evening when it wanted to move again it moved the couch. So unfortunately today I will need to burn down Darren and Jen’s cabin at Golden. They had a good run. 

Also discovered that when Kim presses a button on the side of her new iPhone 3 times it calls 911. The operator called back in a speedy 15 minute time frame from Kelowna to confirm the call. Kim was sheepish and apologized for the call, in the meantime I was screaming in the background that we were being held by an 8 legged terrorist. Unfortunately they did not take it seriously and we are still living with this horrendous creature (Darren) and the spider! I am considering it the equivalent of a pre-Apocalyptic state and arming myself accordingly. 

December 29

So my wonderful child, Dekker, decided I was not grey enough and decided to embark on a year long world tour. He has been talking about this for a year and I have, coincidentally, been in heavy denial for a year. 6 months ago he bought a shed to store his belongings, 4 months ago he moved back home and 9 days ago he quit his job. Yesterday he flew out for Nicaragua. 

I gave him all the advice I could think of: 

Don’t do drugs.

Don’t make bad choices.

Wear condoms.

Keep both kidneys.

And Darian and Mike chimed in and told him not to go on camel tours in the desert. (I didn’t ask)

The most important thing I told him was to KEEP IN TOUCH! He’s really bad at that. His immediate plan is Nicaragua for New Years then Costa Rica and Panama before heading to South America. We are meeting him in Scotland in April and I checked, it’s only 103 days......

So in the meantime my friends are keeping me occupied - last night Brian and I were up until 4:30 working on a jigsaw puzzle. Therapy jigsawing. I did know it was a thing but apparently when you combine it with a martini, 3 bottles of wine and a Caesar it totally works. 

December 25

I love Christmas. I do. My family has low to mediocre passion for the holiday but those little fuckers would miss it if I didn’t decorate the house to the nth degree. At the very least they would not be able to complain about helping to put away decorations. 

Anyway that was not going to be my discussion, it was the degree of Santa-ness I used to display. I loved the magic of Santa. I remember growing up when I was on the verge of no longer believing (on a side note, this is the only reason I would ever home school. My kids would believe in Santa and the Easter bunny until they were 20 if I had my way! Not the Tooth Fairy, she was a lazy bitch at my house. I think she still owes Dekker money)...anyway, I was on the verge of no longer believing and we had neighbor kids who told me that Santa wasn’t real! And where did they receive this nugget of information? THEIR OWN MOTHER! She said she did not think it was right to “lie” to her children! Okay, we will return to that statement in a minute! My first thought when this woman told me this was, “Seriously bitch, you just ruined my childhood!” And secondly, “My mom is going to punch you in the face when she finds out you told me this!” To be truthful, although those thoughts did run through my mind they were a much more PG version. Believe it or not I was the quietest, shyest, most introverted child you ever met. I think this Santa “truth” moment may have been a pivotal moment that awoke my inner demon and made me become the person I am today. (Also on a side note - this family was extremely religious and slightly masochistic. They had 3 children -2 girls, 1 boy and if either of the girls didn’t have their bibles beside their bed their father would spank them. Serious spanking. Like 2017 go to jail spankings. But the boy could pretty much do anything consequence free. This discussion is for another day but it also sealed the deal that I did not believe in religion.....or the bible.......)

Back to not lying to your children. Now that I am a parent I know the truth. The very foundation of parenting is built on lies, threats and negotiations. I would tell my kids if they went near the creek without Ryan or I there would be dinosaurs that would eat them (Jurassic Park was a pretty large influence at the time). Guess what, they never went near the Creek. I lied to Darian for 5 years about lasagna- she hated lasagna but she loved “meat and cheese casserole” which was lasagna. She was pissed when she figured that one out. I lied to them tonight when I promised them that I wouldn’t vacuum tomorrow morning - I’m totally vacuuming tomorrow morning. 

I remember one year I was up at the crack of dawn to put in a 30 pound turkey in the oven. Being 30 pounds it had to cook for about 14 hours! Darian got up to have a pee. She was 3 years old and it was late enough in the morning that she would have been awake for the day and I had not yet put out Santa gifts or stuffed the stockings. I felt fear like I had not yet experienced in my lifetime! I quickly stopped, dropped and rolled. I am sure that the Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden were not as stealthy as I was that morning. She crawled back into bed, I sighed a sigh of relief and learned a valuable lesson- I need to slip the kids NyQuil on Christmas Eve.....just kidding. I stuffed stockings the night before after that. 

Now Santa’s gifts often have the price tags still on, sometimes there is a photo of the gift because Santa forgot to deliver it (aka it has not yet arrived at the post office), sometimes Darian buys Dekker’s for me because she lives in the city.....and every year I vow this is the last stocking year! They are 25 and 22 damn it. Even if I home schooled I would have told them the truth by now! Anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you had a wonderful day with family and friends. We had a terrific day and I only lied to my kids 3 times today - I will let you sleep in, the Presecco is cold and it is only -15 outside. The vacuuming is tomorrow’s lie. 

December 21

Oh the irony....excitement that we start, slowly getting more daylight after today....then remembering that this is only The First Offical Day of Winter. 

I will express my feelings in emojis:

😢💩🖕🏼🙄🐲☃️🔫🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍷🍺🍸🍻🍪🥟🍕🍟🥓🥓🥓🥓

I’m not sure if bacon is a feeling but I would assume it is. 

Anyway, I’m going to celebrate Christmas and forget winter. 

December 8

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 🎶🎶 🕊.....

Just kidding....

This is my semi-serious 12 issues with post Christmas shopping - none of which rhymes.

Ryan, mom and I finished out shopping today and when we were driving home this was what I was going to do, in no particular order. Except #1 and #2 - I was super fucking serious about those 2! 

1. Pee

2. Take off my bra. Seriously? How necessary are these articles of clothing?!

3. These boots. Why? Taking them off and loving my UGG slippers.

4. Glass of wine. Naturally.

5. Plucking that chin hair that I have been obsessing about all day.

6. Pony tail, so glad not that my hair is finally look no enough to pull away from my face.

7. Dealing with the ridiculous amount of Costco groceries I need to put away. Who needs 2 large bags of coffee and a veggie tray and a case of breakfast sausages? Why, when you’re shopping, do you think you may be deserted on an island and need 6 of everything? Then you get home and remember you already have 7 heads of lettuce and you just bought 2 more?! 

8. Refill of wine glass.

9. Mind numbing regret for the amount of money you spent.

10. Mind numbing regret you didn’t order a 2lbs of wings instead of only 1lbs!

11. Research on Pinterest....can lettuce be deep fried, frozen or muddled into a drink?

12. Sitting on the couch, newly refilled wine glass, basking in the glory of being completed your shopping, when you start to remember everything you forgot to buy and realize you need to made ANOTHER trip to Red Deer!!!!

December 5

Oh my goodness! A month has passed and I have not blogged. I’m really bad at this.

Jen and I recently went on our Annual Christmas Shopping Trip. A quest if you will. It involves copious amounts of shopping, usually some personal shoe shopping, a long lunch where you celebrate with a glass of white, more shopping, back to the room and then a nice night out for supper (usually with Darian). 

This year was no exception (I will attach a photo of my fabulous boots). I have to give a shout out to Nine West. I love you ladies. I think they are the nicest in the mall. I did wear comfortable footwear while shopping but by day two I did shop in my slippers. Honestly. They are UGG slippers so I choose to believe I was fashionable and comfortable. 

I think Christmas shopping is like boot camp. You walk 10 miles carrying 15 pounds of shopping in a mall that has an average temperature of 42 desgrees (honestly Chinook mall - everyone in that mall was suffering from hot flashes) and you have to fight slow walkers, moms with strollers, skinny bitches in Aritzia and over zealous shop attendants. (I bought a pestle and mortar and the woman who sold it to me said it was “authentic” - she knows, she lived in Mexico for 12 years - she told me 12 times in case I hadn’t heard her the first 11 times. She then asked me if I wanted and avocado scoop. I said no, it’s not authentic Mexican. I only buy authentic Mexican items - like pestle and mortars, somberos and prescription Prozac.) I hate it when they try to up sell me. Seriously. I am the worlds largest impulse shopper. I do not need a avacado scoop. I actually didn’t know they existed but it would sit in my drawer beside my garlic press, lemon rind grater, cheese knives, melon ball scoop and apple corer.  Needless to say my cork screw, bottle opener, spaghetti scoop and potato masher get a lot of use. 

The other useless kitchen item I own is a weigh scale. Once, one fucking time, I thought I would weigh my food before eating it. I had some stupid bitch in a store look at the size of my ass and suggest a food scale. Impulsively, I bought it. Does anyone want it? It weighs ice cream, popcorn, both red and white wine and French fries. 

I actually need to address skinny sales people. When I walk into a clothing store I want help from the heaviest person working there to help me. That bitch will be the honest one. I want to ask, “Do I look good in this.” And hear her laughing as she is opening a bottle of wine saying, “Fuck no”. Never mind, that is why I have Jen. 

I once was shopping in a store that I had no business even thinking about shopping in, it was Push in Chinook. It is no longer there and I hope I had some influence on that. I picked out a dress to try on (again, no business trying it on) and merrily skipped off to the dressing room. I got it on okay - imagine a dress 2 sizes too small squeezed over all of my lovely curves. It was hideous. Even I had to laugh. I thought about taking a picture to later show it to my food scale to show how badly we were failing at food measurement. This was not the issue....taking it off was. I tried to take it off inside out over my head. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. I was trapped inside a $210 dress that became a straitjacket. It was covering my face and I had my hands pinned over my head. I started laughing hysterically. I swear to God, I was in there for 45 minutes slowly wiggling my way out. All the while having a 95 pound, 21 year old nimble, 22 inch waist, 5”2’ sales girl asking, “How are you doing in there?” I learned 2 things that day - NEVER TRY ANYTHING ON, buy it there and live with the consequences. And the second - NO SKINNY SALES GIRLS. I’m going to start shopping with my food scale - if a sales girls weight is measurable on that fucking scale and/or she has lived in Mexico then I am going to yell - NEXT! 

Anyway, have to go to work. I promise I will blog more in December. Obviously I have a lot on my mind and this is the cheapest therapy imaginable and also, despite the above comment, I do not take Prozac.