May 5

So we are out camping (as the pictures can attest to) at the dam. Beautiful weekend. Snow - yes, others campers - no, mosquitoes - no, black bear - yes. So truly an amazing weekend. Brian and Kim and Ryan and and I had a great weekend out in the snowy, wet West Country. 

And after a wonderful couple days we are enjoying the last night of winter (on fucking May 4th!!) when Brian quietly sneaks away to bed, then a few minutes later Ryan cleans up from supper and silently disappears and then there is just Kim and I savouring the last glass of wine from a newly, undiscovered gem. We are out in the crisp, late night evening warding off the chill evening air when we are startled by a sudden, unexpected bang from my trailer. We look at one another to confirm we both heard the same noise. Then again - bang, bang. We are unsure of the explanation behind the - bang, bang - noise. Again bang. We know there is something seriously wrong a mere 20 feet away from us. We move with cautious speed to the trailer. What do we see? Ryan in his underwear. All of the furniture in the trailer askew.  Ryan on his hands and knees with a shoe banging at the trailer in a frenzied panic. Kim and I look at one another, silently acknowledging that Ryan has finally lost his last grip on sanity. I opened the door to talk him off the mental cliff he has backed himself onto....I quietly say, “Ryan?” He turns and barely makes eye contact with me and in a near hysteric state he says, “THERE IS A FUCKING MOUSE!” I barely have time to register that there is a 3 ounce terrorist in my trailer before I look at my wall and see a mother-fucking-mouse 2 feet up my wall trying to dodge my psychotic husband slamming his size 11 hiking books at the wall in a half-hazard-idly way.

 I am suddenly heavily invested in the outcome of this battle. I yell at Ryan, “Kill it! Kill it!” (Of course now that I am aware of the situation I am going to direct Ryan’s actions and attempt to control the entire process) Both Riggs are Turk are eager to vacate the premises and as soon as I open the door they see the opportunity to get the fuck away from their certifiable care giver (having said that I have to acknowledge that Riggs is possibly the best mouser I have ever encountered. He is a machine. So for him to be so willing to abandon this kill is a testament to the crazed state Ryan was in) Anyway the mouse drops from the wall and scurries behind the dog food dish and immediately the dog food is struck by the hiking boots and scattered across the room. After 10 more violent boot slams - success. Ryan grabbed a paper towel and held his trophy by the tail. The varmint was dead.

H So Westeros might need Arya Stark to kill the Night King but I need a crazed, middle aged man in his underwear with a hiking boot to save my world. Thank babe. ❤️

April 3

Well....we jet ski like we do everything else.....badly. We lost 3 pairs of sunglasses, Brian’s jet ski was broken (fouled spark plug), Jen got a fat lip and I was bucked off - on shore - and got a mild concussion. That didn’t stop me at the end of the day, declaring to Ryan “I WAS BORN TO JET SKI!” I think that declaration was provoked by the Mimosas, beer, sangria and margaritas because yesterday when I woke up I couldn’t walk, literally. Jen and I were both very handicapped for the day, Jen had a hard time cutting bacon and walking down the 5 stairs to go to the bathroom was equivalent to walking to Base Camp on Everest. We rode the jet skis down the beach to have breakfast (ceviche and margaritas) and it was pretty much downhill from there. We rode about 3.5 kms and Brian and Kim had wiped out twice. When we stopped Kim was putting on a brave face but she truly hated us all. Brian brought her back to our beach (and her book and a bottle of sangria) and we headed down the beach, until we decided that Brian’s jet ski had a fouled plug, we beached the jet skis to do a mechanical overhaul and that’s when my jet ski violently threw me off. So we were only about 8 kms from home but it took us 4 hours to get home. Fuzz rode the broken jet ski back so we tried different combinations - Jen and Brian, me and Brian, Ryan and Brian, me and Jen, me and Jen AND Ryan. I wish someone could have flown a drone beside us to see the train wreck we were. Yet I still felt confident enough when I reached the shore to declare, in a Leo DeCaprio like way, “I WAS BORN TO JET SKI”. 

We went out for supper and after a cocktail, us girls decided a nice bottle of red would be necessary. We called our waiter, Gorge, over and asked about vino tinto (red wine to you English speaking people) and he happily brought us the wine menu. We perused the menu and talked about the merits of merlot, cab sauv and blends, but we all decided that Pinot was a hard no. Cab sauv it was going to be. We again called our smiling waiter over to the table and using our best Spanish we pointed at our choice. Gorge, still smiling shook his head - “Don’t have” - okay, no problem, like true wine connoisseurs we have a second choice - we point to the blend. Still grinning Gorge shakes his head, “No”. Hmmmm. Okay a merlot? Oh Gorge, you happy little bastard, “No, no” so we change tactics - we ask him to pick. The entire menu is available to hm and he points to the Pinot - “That’s all we have”. I love that he brought us the menu, let us go through the motions of choosing and then gave us the only bottle in the restaurant. We drank it and loved it.

So yesterday was a blur of sunburns and sore muscles. We avoided the sun and chose option B - a movie in an air conditioned theatre in Merida. Today is our last day and it’s early enough to not know which was it will go.....could be a runaway.....

April 1

Now scorpions! Adding scorpions to the list! Ryan and Fuzz were in the garage and they moved a piece of wood and there was an evil little fucker there beside a dead gecko. Now we cannot falsely accuse the scorpion of killing the gecko, the investigation is ongoing, but I’m pretty confident the jury will come back with a guilty plea. And it is difficult to try a dead scorpion but there may be some closure for the geckos family. 🦎 🦂 (that is a court drawing of the suspect and the victim)

While the trial was occurring in the garage we enjoyed massages by the pool. My goal in life is to have so much money that getting a massage by the pool is not newsworthy but, alas, it remains newsworthy 🤷🏼‍♀️. Jen learned how to play backgammon and then promptly beat Brian and I - but I think there is an earthquake in the forecast so I’m not too worried about her chances in the next game.

We went out for supper to Kinuh (pronounced Canoe) and the boys were grumpy about going out for an “expensive” supper. We had a wonderful supper - Ryan ordered the Catch of the Day, which was a fish we had never heard of. We googled it and it was STILL a fish we had never heard of. Jen and I, thinking we are now native to Mexico added a little too much habanero to our suppers so we have that to look forward to later today...... Anyway our “expensive” supper that included 3 cosmos, a bottle of red, 2 mojitos and 6 grey goose and sodas as well as desserts came to $3000 Pesos. $214 Canadian. That’s it. I think if we went for a supper for 6 to Dairy Queen we would be looking at that much! To put it in perspective, we had supper at Prairie Creek in before we left (our pre-holiday party) and that bill was $11,800 pesos. 

I think we are maturing - our holiday is far more about the food than the drinks. We have organized a Mexican girl to cook for us on Wednesday night. She spoke no English and we speak limited Spanish so all I can confirm is that we are eating shrimp and ceviche. 

Anyway, we have rented jet skis for the day today - Kim is VERY stressed about it. I’ll keep you posted. 

Mexico Time - I have no idea the time, the date or even the month!

It’s difficult to give an accurate timeline of our trip. Not only have I realized we are incredibly boring but we have not had 1 big party (seriously) nor have we been able to stay awake past 10:00 p.m. (seriously). This is a quick transcript of our dinner conversation:

Brian: this is the best cheese I’ve ever eaten

Jen: Do you think I had measles as a child? 

Fuzz: Who watered the plants today.

Me: Is that a spider or a gecko in the corner? I’m not wearing my glasses

Ryan: mmmmm...(not talking just eating)

Kim: Does anyone want to do shots?

Brian: Seriously? Can we buy this cheese at home?

Jen: I have no idea why there is public alerts when there is a measles outbreak - my mom would give me an aspirin and send me outside to play.

Fuzz: So tomorrow we are going to paint the wall.

Me: Ryan, can you see what’s in the corner?

Ryan: mmmmmm (still just eating)

Kim: The pomegranate tequila or the regular tequila?

Brian: I’m taking some of this cheese home.

Jen: I think we were tougher kids.

Fuzz: we will change the oil in the car tomorrow 

Me: No, I just saw it move. I think it’s a gecko.

Ryan: (Done eating his supper) Stacy are you going to eat that?

Kim: okay, I’ll do a shot. 

The other day the boys went race car driving. They were small go-carts (6 horsepower motors) - us girls had a peaceful pool day, played some dice, had margaritas at the pool and had a nap. Perfect holiday day. Then the boys came home. To say they were excited would be an understatement. If I had Ritalin I would have slipped them some. We heard about every corner of the track, how the helmets fit, that Ryan’s cart had no brakes.....blah, blah, blah. But we decided we were going to give them daily activities- like a kids program at a resort. 

The lot beside Darren and Jen’s is bare. Not bare but there is nothing built there. I’m sure it is occupied by 1,000 nasty spiders, a couple snakes, Jen saw a chicken there yesterday, all kids of birds, occasionally some stray dogs and cockroaches (more about that later). When Darren cut fronds off the palm trees or branches from the trees he tosses them over the fence to the No Mans Land and carries on his merry way. Well the other day he must have had a twinge of conscience (I think he Googled “What is a conscience “ after he Googled “How to fight like a Mexican”) anyway.....he started a small fire. Now I have to do a quick break in the story to do a back story. My dad, Rod, God bless his soul, was a known pyromaniac. His modus operandi was fire. We have had the Fish cops knock on our door in the middle of the night telling us they are giving us 2 hours to put out the fire or he is getting a $10,000 fine (I missed class the next day because I was up all night carrying buckets of water). He burned down his neighbors entire corral system when he was just having “a small grass fire”. When dad went for the Gerry can we all immobilized - we knew shit was about to get real. So when Jen and I were sitting, comfortably by the pool and Miguel (the Mexican contractor) yelled from the roof - “Fire” I suffered from immediate PTSD. Darren’s “small fire” had jumped the road and the lot behind the house was on fire. Amazing how quickly holiday mode is shutdown and emergency mode kicks in. I have to be honest- I didn’t help. My fear of creatures is greater than my fear of fire. 

I can’t remember if I’ve told you about Jen’s dogs (also, in Mexico she is called Yennifer Yopez - I would buy a house in Mexico too if the Mexicans always called me Jennifer Lopez). Anyway, D&J’s house is right beside the fishing marina. Also beside the fishing marina is 400 stray dogs. Yennifer affectionately calls them “mi amigos”. She still calls them that when she is surrounded by 14 of them while she is equally dividing out food for them. In the evening when we are playing cards and you hear the inevitable dog fight break out Jen stomps back to the dogs and yells, very aggressively- “No, no mis amigos. No fighting”. They obviously do not understand English because the fight continues. I think THEY know how to fight like Mexicans. 

The other day we spent the day in Progresso (and got day drunk), met a very lovely lady from Poland that works on a cruise ship, had a beer at Fernando’s bar (the bar that Fuzz and I go to when we need a break). Brian, Kim, Ryan and Jen bought glasses so we spent some time in town - the food is so good. But we got home later and it was dark. I came out on the patio (there was no light on) and I saw this creature crawling around- I knew by the absence of 8 legs that it was not Situation Critical but it was definitely High Alert. I was yelling for someone to come and kill this THING. Jennifer was the hero of the day - out she flew, moved the couch with her super human powers and killed the COCKROACH with her flip flip. This fucker was 2 inches long. Add it to the list of These Are Some Of My Least Favourite Things.

Last story - I love backgammon. The only person who ever plays backgammon with me is my brother, Scott. So when Brian asked if anyone knew how to play backgammon I just nodded with tears in my eyes. So now it’s been backgammon central. I was giving him tips and suggestions in the beginning but then he won a couple so now it’s each man for himself. I also have to pay attention because the little fucker cheats. I was kicking his ass yesterday and there was an “earthquake “ and the board was violently shaken and the game was over. I was assured that there is no earthquakes in the forecast so game on!

March 24 and 25 and 26

I need to start a “Remember For The Next Time I Come To Mexico” list. On the list is going to be:

1. A big purse/beach bag
2. A big floppy hat
3. Sun screen 
4. A toilet seat

Why, in the name of Ricky Gervais, is there no seats on any of these bloody toilets?! I’m not sure if you are familiar with my muscle to fat ratio for my thighs but it’s about 80/20 - with fat leading the pack. I cannot, I repeat, cannot squat that long without my bum grazing the side of the toilet. I am always, immediately, transported back to the time I was 8 months pregnant with Darian and I waddled to the bathroom for my 2:00 a.m. pee and I sat down only to have my bum soaked in water. It is the one and only time Ryan did not put the seat down. 

Boys went to bed early and us girls were having a late night glass of wine. We were doing some research on cenotes to visit in the area but Jen realized that Fuzz took her iPad to bed when she retrieved it the last search Fuzz had done on google was “How to fight like a Mexican”. Not sure what that is all about but I am so excited to see the results of this investigation. Does it mean he will wear a mask? Does it mean he’s bringing a couple stray dogs and his cousin Jose? Not sure but I’ll keep everyone posted. 

March 23

Status: Cankles

For real cankles. Jesus. We FaceTimed Camryn and she said, “Oh my God, I think your kidneys are failing”. Now, to the usual layperson this may concern them but I laughed in the face of possible life threatening issues and I say - nay, nay it’s not my time yet. But seriously, I am concerned. When my ankles are larger than my considerable thighs I think that we should all be concerned. It equatable to a natural disaster. We have walked (I’m not kidding you) 7kms today - in flip flops - 100% humidity, when I’ve had (roughly) 4 cups of salt on the side of multiple margarita glasses. 

Went into Progesso and had a little walk around. Had the best tacos and then hopped back in the Journey to head to the grocery store. “Hopped” is a relative term - in actuality moving seats, opening windows to dispel the 400 degree heat in the van and stacking 1300 pounds of humans into the vehicle. And we head to the grocery store (with Brian complaining that we are only going to liquor stores and grocery stores.....this is NOT his first rodeo - he knows the drill!) and what appears before our wondering eyes? A check stop. Federallis, machine guns, and a blow box. Fuzz passed the test (I was 50/50 - if he failed they took him...and we would have to rock, paper, scissors to see how else would drive or he passes and we keep him. You can understand my conundrum). But after he passed the test he turned the wrong way down a one way street and we had 16 Ferderallis yelling at us to stop. We heard no gunfire so we raced on. I can cross “Out running the Mexican popo” off my Bucket List. 

But grocery shopping in a Mexican grocery store is like playing Russian roulette - “Do you think this spice is chilli powder” or “Is this skimmed milk or whole fat”. Update: it wasn’t chilli powder but it was an acceptable substitute and it wasn’t milk at all - it was sour cream. We came home and played Riffle (Jen won again...) and Brian made the most delicious Chicken Caesar salad with homemade croutons- soooo good. Broke two shot glasses and a bottle of Jameson’s Whiskey (not full but made a hell of a mess in the kitchen). I said it was because the Ricky Gervais god was grumpy because we broke another commandment. 

March 22

Oh my god.....biggest spider I’ve ever seen before outside of a zoo or a David Attenborough documentary. This mother fucker carried his own lawn chair to the top deck of the house and when he got there he asked for his own beer. This fucker was so big that is visible from Google Earth. I know that, obviously, there are big spiders in Mexico, but for fuck sakes - when I’m faced with one that I need to shake hands with to greet I am out! He was awful. I did try to burn down the Mexico house but I was denied. Apparently Jen said that this was a good spider but she doesn’t realize that there is no such thing as a “good” spider. 

So that’s my whole day...pool....walk.....Mimosa.....pool....laughs....something to eat....laughs....drinks...A HUGE FUCKING SPIDER THAT COULD KILL ANYONE AND I WILL THINK ABOUT EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP!!