July 19

I recently got in shit from my mom and Barb Schooler - two women who, normally, I don’t get shit from. Okay, listen, Barb doesn’t give me shit but my mom…..well I sometimes get some passive aggressive shit from her. Anyway, I got in shit for not blogging and - full disclosure - I am: 

1. Lazy
2. Exhausted 
3. Busy
4. Lazy
5. COVID - seriously difficult to blog during a pandemic, and lastly -
6. Lazy

But there are a few things I’d like to share - measuring cups (I’m not talking about this now but it is a future blog so please remind me), COVID (but Jesus Christ I am sick of hearing and/or talking about it), my dog and his seizure (I am not emotionally stable enough for that one yet), my friends (always make me laugh and in the spirit of total honesty - pee a little bit) but right now I would like to talk about 50.

So recently I turned 50. Hard to believe because of my incredible skin elasticity and lack of cellulite, but it is true. Also, my lack of elasticity is due to my natural filler (fat) and my lack of cellulite is directly attributed to my aforementioned natural filler. On a total side note - ladies please say no to filler. I have seen pictures and it is awful - age gracefully- Grey Goose will help.

So anyway- 50. I am so glad I made it through those awkward years - 14 thru 49 - ugh! What a trial that was! Now I am truly an adult. I have been waiting with baited breathe for this age and let me tell you - it did not disappoint. I recognized my inner strength, my vast knowledge and patience was rewarded with an inner peace and tranquillity. I am not ashamed to say that I looked down upon those still unfortunate enough to be struggling through their 40’s and pitied their delusions and unwarranted sense of accomplishment. Oh you children, you just don’t understand the true meaning of life…..

Then dawned day 18,251 of my existence (aka the day after my 50th birthday) and I realized that my warranty expired the day before. My knees hurt, I had an unexplained tingling in my left hand that would not go away, I could no longer see far away OR close up, I had 10,000 fine lines around my eyes, I couldn’t sleep through the night without getting up to pee, polyester is now my fabric of choice, grey hair in sprouting as I speak. What. The. Fuck. I am regretting not investing in the extended warranty (eating well and limiting my alcohol intake) I think I am seeing the result. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like an adult but this adult has to be in bed sleeping by 10:00 and needs at least 50 ounces of water a day. I am adjusting fairly well - more sleep, more water, martinis and progressive glasses but damn growing up is hard!

March 20

Beautiful day. We were required to sit on the deck for the entire day. Mandatory. No excuses. It was wonderful but I think mountain air went to our heads because it got drunk out. 

Also, I think some people are figuring out the identity of Shirley, Carol and Susan so I am giving them new names.....Wonder Woman, She-Ra and The Bionic Woman. There, you’re safe again girls. Played marbles and dice and cards and I won zero times. Bitches are cheating I think. Then there was a dance party and karaoke. We should have a television show. I think we solved a lot of the worlds problems and played the most amazing playlist but no one remembers. If not a tv show then maybe a personal assistant. That takes notes, mixes drinks and gives foot rubs. I’m doing a job posting. 

.....also, I was just informed that I did win at cards.....

March 19

Hi guys! I can’t remember the last time I blogged. Corona Virus, job losses and low oil prices are not conducive to a happy blog. But fuck it. Life is short and I’ve been preparing my entire life for a pandemic. I can live off my own body fat for easily 6 months, I have enough liquor in my house for 2 years and I don’t like people. Check. Check. Check.

We have decided to buck the system and have a “slight” gathering. I can’t mention names because I have to protect the innocent so I am going to call my travelling companions Shirley, Susan and Carol. This is how the trip started.....

Fucking Carol always looks good! 

But soon this happened.....

And we discovered that we are mechanics! Who knew?! 

Anyway we are now happily ensconced in Cancun, British Columbia. I think we are floating down the river later today.

Needless to say when I woke up this morning I didn’t know where I was or who I was sleeping with (good news, it was Susan!) I’ll let you know how today pans out.....

Sept 12

It’s Jen’s birthday!! And only 364 days until she is 50.....but who’s counting? 

So we woke up this morning with foggy memories. We had to retrace our steps by reviewing our receipts that we have in our purses. There was no power at the house - a big truck took out a power pole downtown so we had no hair straighteners or hot water or coffee maker. But the draw of beer and wings was stronger than our concern about our personal hygiene so we called a cab (terrifying cab driver that was NOT amused by our sparking, witty personalities) and we took our shit show on the road. Went directly to the Whitetooth Brewery and started our Golden Pub Crawl.

This was the best we looked and felt all day.....it really did go downhill aft that. Whitetooth was great. Great server and great beer. But the ball was rolling.....

We left there and accidentally stumbled into the Cannabis store. We just looked........😉

Then a little shopping. I bought boots but they were on sale so it doesn’t count. To the Rockwater for margaritas. I just have to do a little side note: I am so fucking sick of COVID. So in BC they have started a curfew. Bars and restaurants are not allowed to serve liquor after 10 pm. Because one of the little known facts about COVID is that you can only contract it after 10 if you are drinking. Seems to make sense! 🙄I feel so bad for these small businesses during this ridiculousness - us girls decided there and then that we are supporting these businesses. So we ordered another round. Also our servers name was Alexa. It was quite convenient to ask her questions: “Alexa - what’s the temperature out”, “Alexa - can you make us reservations”, “Alexa - tell us a joke”. Again I think sometimes we are the only people that think we’re funny. 

So on to the Island for martinis. We had appies (because at this point in the day food is no longer negotiable). So one martini and a bottle of wine, some appies and off to The Wolfs Den. Before we left The Island we bought the most delicious salsa that the kitchen jarred it for us. But it is black market salsa. I said it is crazy that we can walk down the street with legal drugs and illegal salsa. If I got busted for the salsa I would be pissed!! 

Our server at the Wolf’s Den HATED us. Hated. H.A.T.E.D. US! We decided he must have been gay because he was immune to our wily womanly ways. We giggled and bantered with him and nothing. I believe he may have rolled his eyes. I think if we could review the film from last night we were loud, swearing and repeatedly asking him why he didn’t like us? I guess it will have to remain one of life’s mysteries- like Stonehenge or the Cadbury secret. 

So at this point everything becomes fuzzy. 

When I woke up this morning I thought.....did I contribute to the Wolf’s Den Bill? Then I thought - FUCK! We were going to get the cab to take us to the liquor store for more beer and we didn’t- we just came home. So Trena woke up and I asked her, “Did I give someone money for the bill” - Trena said “No, you paid.” Oh - thanks. Glad we cleared that up.  But, I said, we didn’t buy beer. Yep. We did. I said - who went into the liquor store to get it. Yep - me and Trena. Glad we cleared that up. I do remember asking the cab driver how much it would be to drive us to Banff for last call (another fact about COVID is that in Alberta you can drink liquor after 10 and not get COVID - I know, crazy right?! But listen,  I don’t make this shit up - Nope that is the government’s job) Anyway, I believe it was cost prohibitive to go to Banff - or at least we could find no Banff receipts in our purses so we are assuming we didn’t go there. 

And I love Trena and I pick her over red AND white.....She’s the best. And she doesn’t snore. And she’s pretty. And the best at dice and marbles. Trena....are we good?

Sept 10

Girls Trip...

I don’t think that boys understand what goes into this weekend. This is some of our considerations when you are planning: 

• What are your best pyjamas? Fuzzy? Short legs? The ugly ones that are the best ever?
• Is it awkward if you bring 5 bottles of wine? Do they understand that those 5 are for me and not to share?
• If I drink my 5 with those bitches love me enough to share theirs?
• What if my Friday makeup is still on on Sunday? Can I pass that off as ‘going out makeup”  I’m asking for a friend.....
• Do we really need food?
• What is more important- red or white?
• What is more important Trena or martini mix? 
• So if we decide that red and Trena are the most important- do we need a change of clothes? 
• What if I wear ALL of my clothes (similar to the Shakelton Expedition to the North Pole) does that mean I can bring one more bottle?
• Am I willing to pay PST in BC to buy beer in this province?
• If someone writes some shit on our vehicle because we have Alberta plates is that a solid defence for man slaughter? 
• How much is a cab from Jens cabin to Golden so I don’t have get a lawyer to defend myself from man slaughter?
• How many years do you do for man slaughter?
• If I know who I want to kill does that make it premeditated?
• If we get pizza delivered how much do they charge?
• Do we have to wear masks if we go to the bar in Golden?
• Should we institute a “Weigh in and Measure” requirement to be allowed to B.C.?
• Can my weigh and height be the standard that we judge all of us?
• Will Jord bring a Oujia board to Golden?
• Can we move to Golden?
• What is the provincial tax  rate in B.C.? 

So these are some of my questions/concerns. Also, just for context, while I am writing this, I swear to God this is what I just heard....”Trena did you just tickle my asshole.” I cannot be sure, but I think it was a question not a statement. I need to sign off so I can hear the rest of this story....

Aug 30

I was working diligently on my April thru August recap of the world’s crazy news headlines but I became despondent realizing that 99% of the stories are negative. Why are we fixated on bad news? Do other people hardships make us feel better? Now, before anyone thinks I am standing on a soap box condemning all that is bad a proclaiming my own “holier than thou-ness” let me tell you I just watched a clip from a Taiwanese kite flying celebration where a three year old was tangled in the strings and was whipped around at 100 feet before being safely caught by by-standers (I am not completely heartless - it was a happy ending) but I did get a chuckle out of the ridiculousness of the situation. If you are as soul-less as I am I highly recommend watching the clip.....

Anyway back to my soap box - in my search for good news stories I found the following headlines “St. Bernard Rescued from Mountain Slightly Embarrassed”  or this beauty; “Elderly Grocery Store Bagger Finds Fame” now two things here: 

1. I cannot be sure I used the semi-colon in the above statement entirely correct AND..
2. WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT A ST. BERNARD OR A CARRY-OUTS CLAIM TO FAME?! (Please note I disregarded the age of the carry out so as to not be sited for ageism...)

We have to be better than this.... 

Again, I will take this opportunity to step down, carefully, from my soap box to mention, at some point in the future I will complain about the Trudeau/Morneau debacle or the “To Wear or Not to Wear The Face Mask” situation. 

Okay, back on the box.....

I am taking this opportunity to talk about a few things that I am encouraged by (and because I am slightly OCD I will list them....)

1. Our community. Now I know we all complain, and I encourage all forms of expression but it is my blog....so, I love Jason Nixon. We have an MLA who is very proud of his constituency. Tammy Burke - Mayor of Rocky, first of all my hats off to you for the position you are in, it is a difficult position to please everyone. I take some liberty because I am a County resident, and some of the Town issues are not mine, but I am proud that she is doing the best she can do in our current economic situation. 

2. Store owners right now....Brian Walisser (Oras Communications), Shawna Hulberg (Cherubs), (when you live in a small town everyone is known by their maiden name...), Tammy Jagt (Panago), Debby Baich (Home Hardware), Debbie Anderson and everyone else keeping their doors open during this trying time! (Debbie Irwin/Anderson, I know you closed Country Basics but I will never stop missing your store! 😔) We should do all we can do to support these businesses. I have to take a slight side note to acknowledge Garth Ingham. Garth owns Ingham Block in Innisfail, this jewellery store has been a family owned and operated small business since 1916 and he recently took the controversial position as to state his store is Mask Free. Hats off Mr. Ingham. Imagine a jewelry store that encourages anonymity.....again, I am impressed by someone saying, “ Um, no, I do not want masked people in my jewelry store.....”

3. Oil and Gas Industry. This is an industry that got its ass kicked. Seriously. Like watching a Bottom Bar fight circa. 1988. This industry is standing up, brushing the dust off, wiping away the blood and asking Canada, “What can we do?” I am a proud Albertan and Canadian. Enough said, I will need a higher soap box....

4. The 50/50 draw for the last Oilers game. Again, I love the passion of Edmonton Fans. Hats off, you love the game and support the community. Unfortunately, I did not win. I would be writing this blog from the beaches of Mexico raving about the virtues of the Mexicans had I won....

5. My family and friends. I think that everyone can probably say their family and friends keep them grounded and sane. Mine do. 

So no more complaints about the world we are in. Until next week when I bitch about Trudeau and Morneau and their disgusting elitism or the vandalism to Sir John A MacDonald statues. No, today I am wearing my rose coloured glasses enjoying the late summer weather.....

Also the senior grocery bagger - he was a 79 year old Mexican grocery bagger who was laid off during the pandemic and started a You Tube channel showing seniors how to cook....

August 15

Honestly I have been working on this post for 6 weeks but when I am looking at old news stories I quickly get distracted! So this in my January to March recap. I will be more focused and diligent about my April to July. 

Just a quick overview of 2020 to date......just in case you have been living under a rock. I believe that there has been a book written about this trouble time - The Old Testament. 

January - we should have known 2020 was going to be bumpy - very good to start the year with a plague of locusts....😕

• Yep, a plague of locusts 🦗 invaded Ethiopia 🇪🇹 and Somalia 🇸🇴 . Nothing says Jesus 🙏🏽is angry more than a plague of fucking locusts. 
• Philippines volcano 🌋- Taal Volcano, the second most active volcano in the Philippines erupts and crushes homes and kills livestock 🐮🐷and crops 
• Next natural disaster- an earthquake in Turkey 🇹🇷 . A 6.8 earthquake hits Turkey - 1,600 hurt.🤕
• Not done....Bush fires 👨🏼‍🚒🔥in Australia 🇦🇺. Killed 33 people coffin ⚰️ and an estimated 1 billion native animals 🕷🦘🦎🐨🐍 2,500 homes 🏠  and wilderness 🌳 area the size of Greece were destroyed 💣 
• Not done yet.....Kashmir has an avalanche ⛄️that killed 100 people - heaviest snowfall to hit the Himalayan region in a century.❄️❄️❄️
• Hmmm....what natural disaster are we missing....oh ya, a flood 🌊 - Indonesia 🇮🇩 has a flood that kills 83 people😵. Landslides were the heaviest since record keeping began in the 19th century. 
• Brexit 🇬🇧 FINALLY happened - after a referendum was held in June 2016 we finally saw democracy happen.....sort of. Britain officially left the European Union.
• Not unlike Brexit - Harry 🤴and Megan 👸🏽step down from royal duties. (I have to interject here - I am a royalist but I get it, being born into royalty probably isn’t the great job you think it is but.....they are leaving royal duty to be in the public eye in Hollywood. Kind of like jumping out of the frying pan 🍳into the fire 🔥 isn’t it Harry?! I think this reeks of hypocrisy and I really don’t have time for it. I also think Megan is a shallow, selfish person - but I digress....) 
• Also Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 other perished in a helicopter crash 🚁🏀 

So quick summary of January - Jesus sat down with God and said, “Seriously Pops, I would like to get all of our big ones out of the way, I’m thinking of having a quiet relaxing 2020. Maybe go on holidays, take the rest of the year off”  And God, like any other parent thought, “ You lazy, little shit. I will show you pestilence and suffering” 

 

Also, another quick side note, of all of the above disasters, which got the most airtime? 1. Harry, 2. Kobe, 3. burnt koalas....probably says a lot about us....

No worries kids! New month, better days ahead! We get an extra day to celebrate February 2020!

Okay here we go – onwards and upwards…. wait….no…..no….it gets worse…….

• Corona virus 🦠 starts to make worldwide 🌍 news. An early pandemic is brewing in Wuhan. It is starting to spread worldwide. Yep, this looks like it is going to be in the news 📺for a while…..who knew…..

• Personal reality check for me – I had a lump in my breast🤦🏼‍♀️. Again, nothing makes you question your life more that a cancer scare. Good news, it is a “fatty deposit” 🤷🏼‍♀️Also good news – I have a medical term to call my “fatty deposits” spread throughout my body. And in the immortal words of Lizzo – my soul sister – “Feeling good as hell, Hair toss, Check my nails”

• Terrorism in Germany 🇩🇪  – there were twelve men arrested for attempting to start a far-right organization aimed at carrying out attacks against politicians, asylum seekers and Muslims. Okay, hold the phones 📞 . I think we should all take a collective sigh and agree that a Far-Right Wing Political party in Germany is probably not a good idea 🤯. This leads me to another issue I have – teaching history in schools👩🏽‍🏫. I think it is imperative that kids 🎓learn about history – the good, bad and the ugly. They should learn about slavery, concentration camps, political and religious intolerance, suffrage, wars and genocide. I think we all need to remember “Lest We Forget” 

• Oh and this little issue – Blockades on the railway to protest Coastal Gas Link pipeline. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. On. This. One. 🚂🚔🚨

• Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of rape. Say it ain’t so. I had such high hopes – my impression was that he was filled with integrity and honor. Obviously, I jest. This is probably the creepiest muth-fucka I have every seen. 🖕🏼👺

• The US House of Representatives votes 410-4 to designate lynching a federal crime. Just quick check – it is 2020 right? The US Civil War ended 155 years ago right?! Also, who are the 4 that voted to KEEP lynching?! Someone should investigate those dark bastards. I don’t think I can even dishonour this point with emojis. 

-  The Standard Poodle 🐩 won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I don’t know what kind of evil black magic 🧙🏼is going on at the Westminster Kennel Club but, I think we can all agree, if a Standard Poodle was a human we would all punch him in the face. 👊🏽He would be the most pretentious, arrogant, simple person we have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Standard Poodle! Honestly?!

 

So now on to a March - spring.....new beginnings...

• We have to start identifying Corona Virus by the new name COVID 19 - why you ask? Because people were associating the virus with Corona beer. 🍺 Now, let’s be honest, if someone believes that the Corona beer causes the virus or is in anyway associated with the virus and they happen to get the virus and die.... can we call that natural selection? I think we can.😇
• Shit is getting real - hockey is cancelled. 🏒Fuck. Of course it is - Edmonton is finally playing decent hockey! I think this was a pivotal moment for Canadians- this bloody virus is wrecking havoc on our lives.😡
• Tiger King. What is this insanity?! This hillbilly from Oklahoma has a questionable large cat 🦁🐯zoo and is repeatedly threatening this equally flaky, possibly husband-murdering nut bar 🧝🏼‍♀️from Florida. He ran for president and Governor of Oklahoma AND HAD CONSIDERABLE SUPPORT! (I would like to speak to this more, however, we have a drama teacher for our Prime Minister so I think I lose some credibility). Hockey is suspended for 8 days and suddenly we are all addicted to the meth crazed, mullet wearing lunatic. On a side note, I did learn that a I can purchase a tiger for $2000 US and dispose of a husband with no evidence......🤫
• COVID-19 is officially declared a pandemic. I also learned the definition of Epidemic, Pandemic, Endemic and an Outbreak - I hope to never hear any of these words again! I also started working from home in March. I always thought I would love working from home - I don’t. It was awful. I also thought I hated people - I don’t. Well I do, but I learned I only hate 96% of the population not the 99% I thought I did. 
• Dow Jones dropped almost 3,000 points in one day. Largest 1 day drop since 1987. 💵
• Summer Olympics were canceled. Effect on my life =0%.🏋🏼‍♀️⛹🏼‍♀️🥇
• Sophie Trudeau gives a speech in London💂🏼‍♂️ for the WE Charity. This is not nearly as earth shattering as it’s going to be as it is in July but I don’t want to give too many spoiler alerts for July..... Sophie later is confirmed as having COVID 19, which she contracted while in London.....almost like God is saying, “Sorry sweetheart, you are doing some truly unethical shit and I have to call you on it because no one else does” 😷
• Bill Withers, Joe Diffie and Kenny Rogers died - sad month. 😓

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