Mexico Time - I have no idea the time, the date or even the month!

It’s difficult to give an accurate timeline of our trip. Not only have I realized we are incredibly boring but we have not had 1 big party (seriously) nor have we been able to stay awake past 10:00 p.m. (seriously). This is a quick transcript of our dinner conversation:

Brian: this is the best cheese I’ve ever eaten

Jen: Do you think I had measles as a child? 

Fuzz: Who watered the plants today.

Me: Is that a spider or a gecko in the corner? I’m not wearing my glasses

Ryan: mmmmm...(not talking just eating)

Kim: Does anyone want to do shots?

Brian: Seriously? Can we buy this cheese at home?

Jen: I have no idea why there is public alerts when there is a measles outbreak - my mom would give me an aspirin and send me outside to play.

Fuzz: So tomorrow we are going to paint the wall.

Me: Ryan, can you see what’s in the corner?

Ryan: mmmmmm (still just eating)

Kim: The pomegranate tequila or the regular tequila?

Brian: I’m taking some of this cheese home.

Jen: I think we were tougher kids.

Fuzz: we will change the oil in the car tomorrow 

Me: No, I just saw it move. I think it’s a gecko.

Ryan: (Done eating his supper) Stacy are you going to eat that?

Kim: okay, I’ll do a shot. 

The other day the boys went race car driving. They were small go-carts (6 horsepower motors) - us girls had a peaceful pool day, played some dice, had margaritas at the pool and had a nap. Perfect holiday day. Then the boys came home. To say they were excited would be an understatement. If I had Ritalin I would have slipped them some. We heard about every corner of the track, how the helmets fit, that Ryan’s cart had no brakes.....blah, blah, blah. But we decided we were going to give them daily activities- like a kids program at a resort. 

The lot beside Darren and Jen’s is bare. Not bare but there is nothing built there. I’m sure it is occupied by 1,000 nasty spiders, a couple snakes, Jen saw a chicken there yesterday, all kids of birds, occasionally some stray dogs and cockroaches (more about that later). When Darren cut fronds off the palm trees or branches from the trees he tosses them over the fence to the No Mans Land and carries on his merry way. Well the other day he must have had a twinge of conscience (I think he Googled “What is a conscience “ after he Googled “How to fight like a Mexican”) anyway.....he started a small fire. Now I have to do a quick break in the story to do a back story. My dad, Rod, God bless his soul, was a known pyromaniac. His modus operandi was fire. We have had the Fish cops knock on our door in the middle of the night telling us they are giving us 2 hours to put out the fire or he is getting a $10,000 fine (I missed class the next day because I was up all night carrying buckets of water). He burned down his neighbors entire corral system when he was just having “a small grass fire”. When dad went for the Gerry can we all immobilized - we knew shit was about to get real. So when Jen and I were sitting, comfortably by the pool and Miguel (the Mexican contractor) yelled from the roof - “Fire” I suffered from immediate PTSD. Darren’s “small fire” had jumped the road and the lot behind the house was on fire. Amazing how quickly holiday mode is shutdown and emergency mode kicks in. I have to be honest- I didn’t help. My fear of creatures is greater than my fear of fire. 

I can’t remember if I’ve told you about Jen’s dogs (also, in Mexico she is called Yennifer Yopez - I would buy a house in Mexico too if the Mexicans always called me Jennifer Lopez). Anyway, D&J’s house is right beside the fishing marina. Also beside the fishing marina is 400 stray dogs. Yennifer affectionately calls them “mi amigos”. She still calls them that when she is surrounded by 14 of them while she is equally dividing out food for them. In the evening when we are playing cards and you hear the inevitable dog fight break out Jen stomps back to the dogs and yells, very aggressively- “No, no mis amigos. No fighting”. They obviously do not understand English because the fight continues. I think THEY know how to fight like Mexicans. 

The other day we spent the day in Progresso (and got day drunk), met a very lovely lady from Poland that works on a cruise ship, had a beer at Fernando’s bar (the bar that Fuzz and I go to when we need a break). Brian, Kim, Ryan and Jen bought glasses so we spent some time in town - the food is so good. But we got home later and it was dark. I came out on the patio (there was no light on) and I saw this creature crawling around- I knew by the absence of 8 legs that it was not Situation Critical but it was definitely High Alert. I was yelling for someone to come and kill this THING. Jennifer was the hero of the day - out she flew, moved the couch with her super human powers and killed the COCKROACH with her flip flip. This fucker was 2 inches long. Add it to the list of These Are Some Of My Least Favourite Things.

Last story - I love backgammon. The only person who ever plays backgammon with me is my brother, Scott. So when Brian asked if anyone knew how to play backgammon I just nodded with tears in my eyes. So now it’s been backgammon central. I was giving him tips and suggestions in the beginning but then he won a couple so now it’s each man for himself. I also have to pay attention because the little fucker cheats. I was kicking his ass yesterday and there was an “earthquake “ and the board was violently shaken and the game was over. I was assured that there is no earthquakes in the forecast so game on!

March 24 and 25 and 26

I need to start a “Remember For The Next Time I Come To Mexico” list. On the list is going to be:

1. A big purse/beach bag
2. A big floppy hat
3. Sun screen 
4. A toilet seat

Why, in the name of Ricky Gervais, is there no seats on any of these bloody toilets?! I’m not sure if you are familiar with my muscle to fat ratio for my thighs but it’s about 80/20 - with fat leading the pack. I cannot, I repeat, cannot squat that long without my bum grazing the side of the toilet. I am always, immediately, transported back to the time I was 8 months pregnant with Darian and I waddled to the bathroom for my 2:00 a.m. pee and I sat down only to have my bum soaked in water. It is the one and only time Ryan did not put the seat down. 

Boys went to bed early and us girls were having a late night glass of wine. We were doing some research on cenotes to visit in the area but Jen realized that Fuzz took her iPad to bed when she retrieved it the last search Fuzz had done on google was “How to fight like a Mexican”. Not sure what that is all about but I am so excited to see the results of this investigation. Does it mean he will wear a mask? Does it mean he’s bringing a couple stray dogs and his cousin Jose? Not sure but I’ll keep everyone posted. 

March 23

Status: Cankles

For real cankles. Jesus. We FaceTimed Camryn and she said, “Oh my God, I think your kidneys are failing”. Now, to the usual layperson this may concern them but I laughed in the face of possible life threatening issues and I say - nay, nay it’s not my time yet. But seriously, I am concerned. When my ankles are larger than my considerable thighs I think that we should all be concerned. It equatable to a natural disaster. We have walked (I’m not kidding you) 7kms today - in flip flops - 100% humidity, when I’ve had (roughly) 4 cups of salt on the side of multiple margarita glasses. 

Went into Progesso and had a little walk around. Had the best tacos and then hopped back in the Journey to head to the grocery store. “Hopped” is a relative term - in actuality moving seats, opening windows to dispel the 400 degree heat in the van and stacking 1300 pounds of humans into the vehicle. And we head to the grocery store (with Brian complaining that we are only going to liquor stores and grocery stores.....this is NOT his first rodeo - he knows the drill!) and what appears before our wondering eyes? A check stop. Federallis, machine guns, and a blow box. Fuzz passed the test (I was 50/50 - if he failed they took him...and we would have to rock, paper, scissors to see how else would drive or he passes and we keep him. You can understand my conundrum). But after he passed the test he turned the wrong way down a one way street and we had 16 Ferderallis yelling at us to stop. We heard no gunfire so we raced on. I can cross “Out running the Mexican popo” off my Bucket List. 

But grocery shopping in a Mexican grocery store is like playing Russian roulette - “Do you think this spice is chilli powder” or “Is this skimmed milk or whole fat”. Update: it wasn’t chilli powder but it was an acceptable substitute and it wasn’t milk at all - it was sour cream. We came home and played Riffle (Jen won again...) and Brian made the most delicious Chicken Caesar salad with homemade croutons- soooo good. Broke two shot glasses and a bottle of Jameson’s Whiskey (not full but made a hell of a mess in the kitchen). I said it was because the Ricky Gervais god was grumpy because we broke another commandment. 

March 22

Oh my god.....biggest spider I’ve ever seen before outside of a zoo or a David Attenborough documentary. This mother fucker carried his own lawn chair to the top deck of the house and when he got there he asked for his own beer. This fucker was so big that is visible from Google Earth. I know that, obviously, there are big spiders in Mexico, but for fuck sakes - when I’m faced with one that I need to shake hands with to greet I am out! He was awful. I did try to burn down the Mexico house but I was denied. Apparently Jen said that this was a good spider but she doesn’t realize that there is no such thing as a “good” spider. 

So that’s my whole day...pool....walk.....Mimosa.....pool....laughs....something to eat....laughs....drinks...A HUGE FUCKING SPIDER THAT COULD KILL ANYONE AND I WILL THINK ABOUT EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP!! 

March 21

Okay - met Raul and a van full of beer and coolers (actually it was only 6 coolers and a case of beer - it literally lasted us for 8 kms) and we were on our way to Telchac. 

We were discussing religion with Raul and he said “Not so many Catholics, lots of Mormons and yews (I speak Spanish - he meant “Jewish”) and Christians”. Then he said that he talked to a man once that said his religion was his family and friends. Which led us to discuss our new religion- The Holy Order of Angelic Voices and Great Choices. It is a bit of a mouthful but I promise it’s a great religion. I’m not sure how you become a tax free entity but that would make our church more legit. We are working on our commandments:

1. Thou shalt not drink bad wine.
2. Thou shalt revere P!nk, Kid Rock, Eric Church and Willie.
3. Thou shalt not do shots.
4. Thou shalt not do yoga.
5. Thou shalt not reveal online shopping expenses
6. Thou shall treat their wives like Goddesses.
7. Martini Thursdays shall be the Holy Order of Angelic Voices and Great Choices sabbath.
8. Thou shalt not go to bed before the party is over.
9. Thou shall always sing as loud as possible (correct words are not necessary).
10. Thou shall always be willing to play poker for cash.

These are the first draft, still hammering out the final details. I think if we need a leader I am voting for Ricky Gervais or Russell Brand, I think the English accent lends credence to our religion. 

So we headed to Merida for groceries and booze. All 6 of us bundled in the Journey for our journey - two in the front, three in the middle and one in the back - or as we affectionately call it - row28. Got into Merida to Costco - which has a cenote in the parking lot - seriously. Took 2 shopping carts and we filled them...to the top. We then wheeled them out to the Journey and packed them in there. We had a flat of a Prosecco, a flat of Dos Equis, a flat of Pacifico, a case of wine, 24 pack of toilet paper and $800 of groceries - our Holy Lord Ricky Gervais was on our side helping us pack everything in that vehicle. I think that’s the only way we got it all in there - divine intervention. We load back in the vehicle and Fuzz yells to the back of the bus, “Is that fucking Stacy in the vehicle?” He is so mouthy when there is 3 seats, a cooler of veggies and a case of toilet paper in between us. 

We went for supper to a steakhouse and it was like playing Jenga trying to get out of that vehicle without the food and alcohol pyramid crashing down. I had to back out of the vehicle...ass exposed....which Ryan ensured was exposed to everyone. I was birthed by the Journey. 

Back home and we played Riffle. Jen won. $600 pesos for her. Then we played a Jacks for shots (and, incidentally the same time we decided on Commandment number 3) and Mexico loves Jen....she didn’t have to drink any tequila.....but I did....3 shots. 

March 20

Well I have not blogged in for ever so I need to catch everyone up. Through the God awful month of February- when temperatures hit a balmy -36 degrees Celsius (before windchill) we planned a trip to Mexico (more on that in a minute). Now I know there is this rumour that hell is hot. Well I am here to dispel that rumour. Hell is -42 degrees with a healthy wind from the North. Satan wears Sorels and has Hot Pockets in his mittens. Satan giggles when people slip on the ice and he roars with laughter when we shovel. He is a bastard. 

Anyway, we booked Mexico because Darren and Jennifer generously bought a house in Mexico and they were gracious enough to invite us to their home, which is fairly ironic because I live beside them and all Darren ever says to me, “Jesus Christ, why don’t you go home?!” Anyway flights booked and then you know that means? Ladies you know what this means.....booking a trip to get waxed. Lord have mercy, I think I’m changing my mind. Satan rips the hair out of your legs with a wax strip. While I’m laying on that bed, trying to convince myself that having smooth legs is the only thing separating me from a Kardashian, I curse the 20-something, fresh faced girl ripping my hair out. She has no idea the hell I’ve lived. I try to remember the pain I felt when I was going through childbirth to put this pain in context but, nope, this is pretty fucking bad. So waxing done, new swimsuit bought, bags packed, house sitter organized and we’re off. 

We spent the night at the Marriott at the airport discussing our first battle - we reserved seats (of course, nothing is free it cost us - collectively- $210) only to discover that we were split up. The Ingham’s and Williams’ were in the back forty - row 28 - basically on the tail of the plane and the Walisser’s were in row 10 but in seats A and F. When we checked in in the morning the very unhelpful, unimpressed West Jet lady basically told us to fuck off when we expressed our displeasure - she also rolled her eyes when she saw Jen was bringing her own martini glasses. So we get on the plane to find a 23 month old snot machine sitting behind us. It was going to be a long flight. Brian had already ordered a double rum before the plane had reached flying altitude. 

Made it Cancun and to be perfectly honest - the kid was really good. Nothing stress me out more than waiting for my luggage on that bloody carousel. I’m always convinced my luggage has gone east when I go west. So while we wait and wait and wait. Brian’s suitcase was the very last one to come out and it as accompanied by 2 security guards that immediately escorted him to a room to search him.  So we did what all good friends would do. We left him. 

We did start to get concerned when, after 10 minutes, we were still waiting. The struggle was real. Do we totally abandon him for a ice cold margarita or do we continue to wait. I’ve got to tell you the vote was close. Finally we saw him emerge dragging his suitcase behind him and he was ready for a beer. He had packed poker chips in the metal case in his suitcase. Apparently this raised every red flag in Mexico. 

So we make it Raulsaturnino. Ya that’s right that was his name. We called him Raul. I called him “Canihaveanotherbeer” or “Canwestopforapee” he seemed to answer to that as well. But that’s enough for now....more to follow.