July 15

Made the epic, colossal journey to Fairmont. Puck drop. Mike drop. Period. If you have been here with us you know the sentence ends there. 

We are a force. Like Hurricane Katrina (I know, old reference but applicable). We have been here for 2 days and visited be security once, dog attack once, 2 wine glasses broken, 2 fights, 16 martinis, NO GAME OF THRONES, 18 holes, 10 of us on the zip line tour and one escort out of Walisser's trailer- have I mentioned it is Day 1? 

I also have my nieces, 2 of them. I love, love, love them but it's hard to be responsible for me let alone two other human beings. I know they are 15 and 16 respectively, but I too am respectively, just kidding. 

I will attempt to keep everyone apprised of our activities but keep your expectations low.

In the immortal words of Brandon Imeson, "What the fuck is wrong with you people?" 

July 10

Another summer weekend gone. Naturally we were camping and having our fireside parties/sing-a-long/solving world problems…..

 

We were singing “Lonesome Loser” by Little River Band and I realized how monumentally politically incorrect it is:

 

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'”

 

Today the lyrics would have to be re-written:

“Have you heard from a reliable, unbiased news source regarding the gender neutral individual who is currently suffering from an unidentified syndrome. This person has been assaulted by a female sovereign repeatedly and he is endeavoring to overcome the social, political and economic diversity  to excel with enthusiasm and vivacity”

 

Not sure if it has the same lyrical harmony…

 

July 6

Okay I am in my trailer with my 132,631 friends (mosquitoes) and they have a whole new weight loss plan for me...lack of blood. I'm not arguing, it may work.

I have to start with an update about my Sister With a Penis - all is good. (Btw....my iPad auto-corrected...wtf is a "Pemis"???) But I digress, my Tier One friend (hard to attain this level!) is doing fine. But our scare led me to reflect on my own life. Most people have a "Bucket List" and I too have decided on mine, except mine is a "Bucket List of Thing I'll Never Do"....

1. Look good in a hat. Let's face it I have an enormous head. If my head was full of quarters I could retire. I am a complete Bobble Head. I'm not sure where I get it - Bardenhagen side or Smith side but I'm leaning (with my large head) towards the Bardenhagen side (my numerous moles come from the Smith side)

2. Like spiders. Nope. Never. 

3. Vote NDP. Nope. Never. If I could have a 3.1, I will never vote Liberal either. My grandpa Smith would never forgive me, nor would I ever be able to look my big bobble head in the mirror again.

4. Skydive. First I would have to be completely honest about my weight, which I find it hard to do (even with Dr. Robinson, who after he weighs me I punch in the throat and threaten him with his life if he ever tells anyone else)

5. Shit, this is a hard one. Listen to ZZTop. Seriously, can't do it. I have to apologize to Darien Parker because he said he would disown me if I ever said this but I HATE ZZTop. (Also hate Florida Georgia Line - not sure if this helps or hinders with Darien's disgust) 

6. Sing the correct lyrics to 87.7% of the songs I sing. I make up my own words (which in my bobble head sound perfect!) Jack and Diane - I don't know what the fuck John Cougar Mellencamp sings but he's wrong.

7. Stop swearing. I try. But I can't fucking do it. Shit. 

8. Take in bottles. It's disgusting. They are dirty and gross. Ryan bought me a truck once because my argument was, "I'll take in the bottles" then we both stared long and deep into each other's souls because we both knew I was lying. 

9. Donate my liver. Sorry world, it's mine.

10. Be skinny. First my large head exonerates me from this, as does my large ass, boobs, belly, ankles, wrists, eyelashes and attitude. I know there is a lot of large bitches out there because when you try to order clothes from Roots all the XL and L are gone. You know what is left??? XXS!!! 

July 3

So I'm not sure if everyone knows about my circle, but my circle is small and tight. It is very tight and I love, love, love those around me. So I do have some criteria:

1. Must be able to pee on the potty

2. Have to be able to drive me home from a party 

3. Cannot. I repeat. CANNOT. EVER. EVER. EVER. Make me or Jen a martini with gin. This is a non-negotiable.

4. Have to be called a Thunder-Cunt or a Fiery Cunt at some point in the last 12 hours.

5. Must be able to console/counsel/condemn people at 3:00 a.m.

6. Be able to talk shit about ANYONE (including me) at any given time....and if someone walks in mid-conversation to must be able to quickly adapt a conversation.

7. Put up with me crying about my dad

8. Know that my dad was the most fucking awesome person you could ever know.

9. Be able to eat supper at 8:00 p.m., 9:00 p.m. , 10:00 p.m., 11:00 p.m., 5:00 a.m, 6:00 a.m. ..........

10. Be able to wipe my 3 day old mascara away and make look like Cindy Crawford. Cindy Crawford after a car accident....in Tijuana....after a 3 day drinking binge with Johnny Depp....and questionable plastic surgery....

11. Help me return my husband's side by side after I put it on it's side

12. Replace my dog you killed (Tracy, I don't think I need to say more)

13. Listen to my advice about marriage/child rearing/NDP at anytime, and agree that all my opinions are correct

14. Not have any heart problems.

15. Not have any heart problems.

16. Not have any heart problems.

17. Not have any heart problems.....

I will donate my kidney, liver, arm, leg or anything else, but I cannot donate my heart. You already have it. 

Please, please never scare me like this. You are my sister with a penis. I love you with a 1,000 fiery suns. I'm not sure how to soft sell this but I think that my friend Brian finally got his period and he has finally become a woman. Brian, my friend, my sister, my guy, please use tampons. You will live. You have to try to attain Tier One!! ❤️❤️❤️

June 30

I have to start this story with love - love to my mom and my aunts. Now that I have that out of the way I can share the horrors of my childhood. When there were milestones in my Grandpa and Grandma Smith's lives my mom and her sisters would plan entertainment for the party. The entertainment was me and my cousins singing. Those sick twisted women would force us to dress up and sing some God awful song to our poor grandparents. Let me reassure everyone that we were not the Von Trapps. I would compare us to the sound a cat makes while being bathed. 

I remember G&G's 40th wedding anniversary (picture attached) was the last time we got the band together. I apologize on behalf of myself and my cousins to any family members that had to sit through our melodious ditty. I remember that Ryan was there and I thought my cool factor dropped by a solid 100 points. I am proud to say that I never inflicted that suffering and torment on my own children. I do think it may have instilled a love of song though, and I am not ashamed to share my symphonic screeching around a camp fire. 

Occasionally I wake up in a cold sweat worrying about the words to the song I need to sing in public. Obviously a clear case of PTSD. I think the only way to deal with this trauma is to get the band back together for a reunion tour and make our mothers sit through 5 or 6 verses of an archaic church hymn. Better yet, a couple verses of a Jay Z song. 

June 28

So now that graduation is rolling around again and another set of bright eyed young adults are setting off into the world, or back to their parents basements (I'm not judging) I understand your dilemma.  I am a pseudo mom/friend/confidant/inspiration (just bloody go with me on the "inspiration" part!!) to a few of the grads this year - Cam Williams, Riley Walisser, Ryan O'Toole, Haley Willert, Steph Hazelaar just to name a few. Haley had on her Instagram page - "Graduating in 4 days and yet still don't know what I'm doing with my life" and I wanted to share with her some of my observations.

I am now 46 and I'm still not sure I'm an adult. I thought I would morph into an adult when I turned 18 - nope. 21 - Nope. Married - nope. Had a baby - nope. Bought a vehicle, lost a grandparent(s), got a mortgage, travelled internationally independently, considered a boob job, waxed my armpits, quit a job, went to college, got a career, voted, bitched about the deficit, started an RRSP, started drinking martinis, stopped drinking martinis, started drinking martinis again, got a tattoo….. the list is endless and still NO. I don't think that the goal is adulthood. I think the goal is goodness. Trueness. Integrity. Bad-ass-ness. Dedication. Love. Patience. Forgiveness. Humility. Laughter. Sadness. Joy. These should be your goals - not adulthood. Your girls (and Riley!) are wonderful young people who I enjoy being around and are on the cusp of an amazing future. And fuck being an adult - I have decided it is too much work!!!Best wishes, lots and lots of love and congratulations on your achievement.

And if that didn't make you feel better here is a truly 80's picture of me at graduation….

June 27

You know why I love my friends? They are wonderful people that are so much fun to be around. Unless of course you have a slight mishap with your husband's precious side by side that he may or may not love more than you. Then they are vicious creatures that argue over who is going to tell Ryan and what his reaction is going to be. These are my friends that accompanied me on Saturday. 

I am just kidding, Jennifer was out of Fuzzy's side by side and to mine before I had even come to a complete stop, Erin was there within seconds and Kim was supportive from afar (she was worried about my co-pilot Carter - broken limbs, bruises etc). I felt the love girls. The boys too were there pushing me out of way to right side the bike. And they were muttering about the bike, the door being bent, the oil draining, Ryan being mad, blah, blah, blah.  No concern for me or Carter (we were both fine). Anyway all was well no damage, no bruises, no harm, no foul. 

And for the record - the first thing Ryan asked was, "Is Stacy okay?" ❤️