July 6

Okay I am in my trailer with my 132,631 friends (mosquitoes) and they have a whole new weight loss plan for me...lack of blood. I'm not arguing, it may work.

I have to start with an update about my Sister With a Penis - all is good. (Btw....my iPad auto-corrected...wtf is a "Pemis"???) But I digress, my Tier One friend (hard to attain this level!) is doing fine. But our scare led me to reflect on my own life. Most people have a "Bucket List" and I too have decided on mine, except mine is a "Bucket List of Thing I'll Never Do"....

1. Look good in a hat. Let's face it I have an enormous head. If my head was full of quarters I could retire. I am a complete Bobble Head. I'm not sure where I get it - Bardenhagen side or Smith side but I'm leaning (with my large head) towards the Bardenhagen side (my numerous moles come from the Smith side)

2. Like spiders. Nope. Never. 

3. Vote NDP. Nope. Never. If I could have a 3.1, I will never vote Liberal either. My grandpa Smith would never forgive me, nor would I ever be able to look my big bobble head in the mirror again.

4. Skydive. First I would have to be completely honest about my weight, which I find it hard to do (even with Dr. Robinson, who after he weighs me I punch in the throat and threaten him with his life if he ever tells anyone else)

5. Shit, this is a hard one. Listen to ZZTop. Seriously, can't do it. I have to apologize to Darien Parker because he said he would disown me if I ever said this but I HATE ZZTop. (Also hate Florida Georgia Line - not sure if this helps or hinders with Darien's disgust) 

6. Sing the correct lyrics to 87.7% of the songs I sing. I make up my own words (which in my bobble head sound perfect!) Jack and Diane - I don't know what the fuck John Cougar Mellencamp sings but he's wrong.

7. Stop swearing. I try. But I can't fucking do it. Shit. 

8. Take in bottles. It's disgusting. They are dirty and gross. Ryan bought me a truck once because my argument was, "I'll take in the bottles" then we both stared long and deep into each other's souls because we both knew I was lying. 

9. Donate my liver. Sorry world, it's mine.

10. Be skinny. First my large head exonerates me from this, as does my large ass, boobs, belly, ankles, wrists, eyelashes and attitude. I know there is a lot of large bitches out there because when you try to order clothes from Roots all the XL and L are gone. You know what is left??? XXS!!!