Sept 10

Girls Trip...

I don’t think that boys understand what goes into this weekend. This is some of our considerations when you are planning: 

• What are your best pyjamas? Fuzzy? Short legs? The ugly ones that are the best ever?
• Is it awkward if you bring 5 bottles of wine? Do they understand that those 5 are for me and not to share?
• If I drink my 5 with those bitches love me enough to share theirs?
• What if my Friday makeup is still on on Sunday? Can I pass that off as ‘going out makeup”  I’m asking for a friend.....
• Do we really need food?
• What is more important- red or white?
• What is more important Trena or martini mix? 
• So if we decide that red and Trena are the most important- do we need a change of clothes? 
• What if I wear ALL of my clothes (similar to the Shakelton Expedition to the North Pole) does that mean I can bring one more bottle?
• Am I willing to pay PST in BC to buy beer in this province?
• If someone writes some shit on our vehicle because we have Alberta plates is that a solid defence for man slaughter? 
• How much is a cab from Jens cabin to Golden so I don’t have get a lawyer to defend myself from man slaughter?
• How many years do you do for man slaughter?
• If I know who I want to kill does that make it premeditated?
• If we get pizza delivered how much do they charge?
• Do we have to wear masks if we go to the bar in Golden?
• Should we institute a “Weigh in and Measure” requirement to be allowed to B.C.?
• Can my weigh and height be the standard that we judge all of us?
• Will Jord bring a Oujia board to Golden?
• Can we move to Golden?
• What is the provincial tax  rate in B.C.? 

So these are some of my questions/concerns. Also, just for context, while I am writing this, I swear to God this is what I just heard....”Trena did you just tickle my asshole.” I cannot be sure, but I think it was a question not a statement. I need to sign off so I can hear the rest of this story....

Aug 30

I was working diligently on my April thru August recap of the world’s crazy news headlines but I became despondent realizing that 99% of the stories are negative. Why are we fixated on bad news? Do other people hardships make us feel better? Now, before anyone thinks I am standing on a soap box condemning all that is bad a proclaiming my own “holier than thou-ness” let me tell you I just watched a clip from a Taiwanese kite flying celebration where a three year old was tangled in the strings and was whipped around at 100 feet before being safely caught by by-standers (I am not completely heartless - it was a happy ending) but I did get a chuckle out of the ridiculousness of the situation. If you are as soul-less as I am I highly recommend watching the clip.....

Anyway back to my soap box - in my search for good news stories I found the following headlines “St. Bernard Rescued from Mountain Slightly Embarrassed”  or this beauty; “Elderly Grocery Store Bagger Finds Fame” now two things here: 

1. I cannot be sure I used the semi-colon in the above statement entirely correct AND..
2. WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT A ST. BERNARD OR A CARRY-OUTS CLAIM TO FAME?! (Please note I disregarded the age of the carry out so as to not be sited for ageism...)

We have to be better than this.... 

Again, I will take this opportunity to step down, carefully, from my soap box to mention, at some point in the future I will complain about the Trudeau/Morneau debacle or the “To Wear or Not to Wear The Face Mask” situation. 

Okay, back on the box.....

I am taking this opportunity to talk about a few things that I am encouraged by (and because I am slightly OCD I will list them....)

1. Our community. Now I know we all complain, and I encourage all forms of expression but it is my blog....so, I love Jason Nixon. We have an MLA who is very proud of his constituency. Tammy Burke - Mayor of Rocky, first of all my hats off to you for the position you are in, it is a difficult position to please everyone. I take some liberty because I am a County resident, and some of the Town issues are not mine, but I am proud that she is doing the best she can do in our current economic situation. 

2. Store owners right now....Brian Walisser (Oras Communications), Shawna Hulberg (Cherubs), (when you live in a small town everyone is known by their maiden name...), Tammy Jagt (Panago), Debby Baich (Home Hardware), Debbie Anderson and everyone else keeping their doors open during this trying time! (Debbie Irwin/Anderson, I know you closed Country Basics but I will never stop missing your store! 😔) We should do all we can do to support these businesses. I have to take a slight side note to acknowledge Garth Ingham. Garth owns Ingham Block in Innisfail, this jewellery store has been a family owned and operated small business since 1916 and he recently took the controversial position as to state his store is Mask Free. Hats off Mr. Ingham. Imagine a jewelry store that encourages anonymity.....again, I am impressed by someone saying, “ Um, no, I do not want masked people in my jewelry store.....”

3. Oil and Gas Industry. This is an industry that got its ass kicked. Seriously. Like watching a Bottom Bar fight circa. 1988. This industry is standing up, brushing the dust off, wiping away the blood and asking Canada, “What can we do?” I am a proud Albertan and Canadian. Enough said, I will need a higher soap box....

4. The 50/50 draw for the last Oilers game. Again, I love the passion of Edmonton Fans. Hats off, you love the game and support the community. Unfortunately, I did not win. I would be writing this blog from the beaches of Mexico raving about the virtues of the Mexicans had I won....

5. My family and friends. I think that everyone can probably say their family and friends keep them grounded and sane. Mine do. 

So no more complaints about the world we are in. Until next week when I bitch about Trudeau and Morneau and their disgusting elitism or the vandalism to Sir John A MacDonald statues. No, today I am wearing my rose coloured glasses enjoying the late summer weather.....

Also the senior grocery bagger - he was a 79 year old Mexican grocery bagger who was laid off during the pandemic and started a You Tube channel showing seniors how to cook....

August 15

Honestly I have been working on this post for 6 weeks but when I am looking at old news stories I quickly get distracted! So this in my January to March recap. I will be more focused and diligent about my April to July. 

Just a quick overview of 2020 to date......just in case you have been living under a rock. I believe that there has been a book written about this trouble time - The Old Testament. 

January - we should have known 2020 was going to be bumpy - very good to start the year with a plague of locusts....😕

• Yep, a plague of locusts 🦗 invaded Ethiopia 🇪🇹 and Somalia 🇸🇴 . Nothing says Jesus 🙏🏽is angry more than a plague of fucking locusts. 
• Philippines volcano 🌋- Taal Volcano, the second most active volcano in the Philippines erupts and crushes homes and kills livestock 🐮🐷and crops 
• Next natural disaster- an earthquake in Turkey 🇹🇷 . A 6.8 earthquake hits Turkey - 1,600 hurt.🤕
• Not done....Bush fires 👨🏼‍🚒🔥in Australia 🇦🇺. Killed 33 people coffin ⚰️ and an estimated 1 billion native animals 🕷🦘🦎🐨🐍 2,500 homes 🏠  and wilderness 🌳 area the size of Greece were destroyed 💣 
• Not done yet.....Kashmir has an avalanche ⛄️that killed 100 people - heaviest snowfall to hit the Himalayan region in a century.❄️❄️❄️
• Hmmm....what natural disaster are we missing....oh ya, a flood 🌊 - Indonesia 🇮🇩 has a flood that kills 83 people😵. Landslides were the heaviest since record keeping began in the 19th century. 
• Brexit 🇬🇧 FINALLY happened - after a referendum was held in June 2016 we finally saw democracy happen.....sort of. Britain officially left the European Union.
• Not unlike Brexit - Harry 🤴and Megan 👸🏽step down from royal duties. (I have to interject here - I am a royalist but I get it, being born into royalty probably isn’t the great job you think it is but.....they are leaving royal duty to be in the public eye in Hollywood. Kind of like jumping out of the frying pan 🍳into the fire 🔥 isn’t it Harry?! I think this reeks of hypocrisy and I really don’t have time for it. I also think Megan is a shallow, selfish person - but I digress....) 
• Also Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 other perished in a helicopter crash 🚁🏀 

So quick summary of January - Jesus sat down with God and said, “Seriously Pops, I would like to get all of our big ones out of the way, I’m thinking of having a quiet relaxing 2020. Maybe go on holidays, take the rest of the year off”  And God, like any other parent thought, “ You lazy, little shit. I will show you pestilence and suffering” 

 

Also, another quick side note, of all of the above disasters, which got the most airtime? 1. Harry, 2. Kobe, 3. burnt koalas....probably says a lot about us....

No worries kids! New month, better days ahead! We get an extra day to celebrate February 2020!

Okay here we go – onwards and upwards…. wait….no…..no….it gets worse…….

• Corona virus 🦠 starts to make worldwide 🌍 news. An early pandemic is brewing in Wuhan. It is starting to spread worldwide. Yep, this looks like it is going to be in the news 📺for a while…..who knew…..

• Personal reality check for me – I had a lump in my breast🤦🏼‍♀️. Again, nothing makes you question your life more that a cancer scare. Good news, it is a “fatty deposit” 🤷🏼‍♀️Also good news – I have a medical term to call my “fatty deposits” spread throughout my body. And in the immortal words of Lizzo – my soul sister – “Feeling good as hell, Hair toss, Check my nails”

• Terrorism in Germany 🇩🇪  – there were twelve men arrested for attempting to start a far-right organization aimed at carrying out attacks against politicians, asylum seekers and Muslims. Okay, hold the phones 📞 . I think we should all take a collective sigh and agree that a Far-Right Wing Political party in Germany is probably not a good idea 🤯. This leads me to another issue I have – teaching history in schools👩🏽‍🏫. I think it is imperative that kids 🎓learn about history – the good, bad and the ugly. They should learn about slavery, concentration camps, political and religious intolerance, suffrage, wars and genocide. I think we all need to remember “Lest We Forget” 

• Oh and this little issue – Blockades on the railway to protest Coastal Gas Link pipeline. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. On. This. One. 🚂🚔🚨

• Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of rape. Say it ain’t so. I had such high hopes – my impression was that he was filled with integrity and honor. Obviously, I jest. This is probably the creepiest muth-fucka I have every seen. 🖕🏼👺

• The US House of Representatives votes 410-4 to designate lynching a federal crime. Just quick check – it is 2020 right? The US Civil War ended 155 years ago right?! Also, who are the 4 that voted to KEEP lynching?! Someone should investigate those dark bastards. I don’t think I can even dishonour this point with emojis. 

-  The Standard Poodle 🐩 won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I don’t know what kind of evil black magic 🧙🏼is going on at the Westminster Kennel Club but, I think we can all agree, if a Standard Poodle was a human we would all punch him in the face. 👊🏽He would be the most pretentious, arrogant, simple person we have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Standard Poodle! Honestly?!

 

So now on to a March - spring.....new beginnings...

• We have to start identifying Corona Virus by the new name COVID 19 - why you ask? Because people were associating the virus with Corona beer. 🍺 Now, let’s be honest, if someone believes that the Corona beer causes the virus or is in anyway associated with the virus and they happen to get the virus and die.... can we call that natural selection? I think we can.😇
• Shit is getting real - hockey is cancelled. 🏒Fuck. Of course it is - Edmonton is finally playing decent hockey! I think this was a pivotal moment for Canadians- this bloody virus is wrecking havoc on our lives.😡
• Tiger King. What is this insanity?! This hillbilly from Oklahoma has a questionable large cat 🦁🐯zoo and is repeatedly threatening this equally flaky, possibly husband-murdering nut bar 🧝🏼‍♀️from Florida. He ran for president and Governor of Oklahoma AND HAD CONSIDERABLE SUPPORT! (I would like to speak to this more, however, we have a drama teacher for our Prime Minister so I think I lose some credibility). Hockey is suspended for 8 days and suddenly we are all addicted to the meth crazed, mullet wearing lunatic. On a side note, I did learn that a I can purchase a tiger for $2000 US and dispose of a husband with no evidence......🤫
• COVID-19 is officially declared a pandemic. I also learned the definition of Epidemic, Pandemic, Endemic and an Outbreak - I hope to never hear any of these words again! I also started working from home in March. I always thought I would love working from home - I don’t. It was awful. I also thought I hated people - I don’t. Well I do, but I learned I only hate 96% of the population not the 99% I thought I did. 
• Dow Jones dropped almost 3,000 points in one day. Largest 1 day drop since 1987. 💵
• Summer Olympics were canceled. Effect on my life =0%.🏋🏼‍♀️⛹🏼‍♀️🥇
• Sophie Trudeau gives a speech in London💂🏼‍♂️ for the WE Charity. This is not nearly as earth shattering as it’s going to be as it is in July but I don’t want to give too many spoiler alerts for July..... Sophie later is confirmed as having COVID 19, which she contracted while in London.....almost like God is saying, “Sorry sweetheart, you are doing some truly unethical shit and I have to call you on it because no one else does” 😷
• Bill Withers, Joe Diffie and Kenny Rogers died - sad month. 😓

• 
  

May 11

As promised, things that I like:

1. Getting into clean sheets. A bonus points if my legs are freshly waxed......alas, no bonus points lately....

2. Spelling “definitely” correctly, the first time. Even spelling it close enough so that spell check knows what I am trying to say. 

3. This. Cresting Strachan hill and seeing the first hint of green on the trees. Makes me euphoric.

4. Spelling “euphoric” correctly. (Spell check did help me....)

5. A clean kitchen. Recently Ryan has taken over this duty and my kitchen is sparkling clean day and night. I love it.

6. Madonna falling down those stairs at the Brit Awards. I have never shared video on my blog but of you’re feeling a little blue watch this clip. Never fails to bring a smile to my face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx5IMCJFIMw

7. Ryan’s new beard. It. Is. Awesome. 

8. Completing the planting of all of my summer plant pots for my deck. Ironically, it makes me equally happy to dump aforementioned plant pots at the end of the season.

9. Road trips. Preferably with a cold beer.

10. An end in sight to isolating at home! 

Way more likes that dislikes.

May 7

A short list of things that really bother me....that are not Coronavirus related.....

1. Madonna. Every incarnation of her bothers me. Have you ever watched an interview with her? She is narcissistic, shallow, arrogant and not that smart. And I’m not sure what is going on with her face right now - Botox? Injections? It is awful.

2. Killer hornets. Really? Why? Who is responsible for this? Before you answer, I know, the Chinese. They seem to be responsible for everything! Ryan and I honestly had a dead one in the yard 2 years ago (we are actually arguing about whether it was 1 or 2 years ago or if it was still alive or dead) but it did traumatize me. It was incredibly big. Another insect to add to my long list of “Insects to Avoid”.

3. Uncomfortable bras. I know I lose 1/2 of my audience with this one but why is it so hard to design a comfortable bra. We can send a man to the moon but we cannot make a bra that you can comfortably wear for 8 hours? Oh the humanity! 

Okay, tomorrow 3 things I like.....

April 24

I just wanted to make a short list of un-fun things to have done today or are still on my “To Do” list. They are in no particular order of un-fun-ness....

1. Cleaned up 1/2 (or there abouts) of a mouse that has been on my front step for about 5 days now....🤢. I was waiting for Riggs, the cat or some other creature to devour it, but no, it has been left for me. I consider it an offering to the Gods - in this case me being God....

2. Worked on my budget for work - suffice it to say that it is NOT a good time to be working in the oil patch. Unlike the other “good times” when there are uneducated protesters or Ludwig-esque terrorists....oh the good old days.....

3. Tried on my jeans. Jesus fuck. My size 14 jeans..... My size 14 jeans that I cannot even pretend are comfortable. The good news is I could get them done up. It was an engineering feat that could only be compared to the construction of the Panama Canal, but I did get them done up, but Lord Jesus that button was working hard. I finally changed after 20 minutes of trying to convince myself that they, “weren’t that tight” or that I have gained a lot of muscle around my mid section. I am quickly sneaking up on obese. Not really sneaking- huffing, with a burger in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and sweats on....that are also too tight.....

4. I vacuumed the stairs. Might not sound bad but my roll of “muscle” really interferes with bending over....

5. Rescued a woodchuck from Riggs, but alas, too late. Ryan disposed of the poor guy before it had time to decompose on my front step....definitely a blue job.

6. Put make up on and did my hair. I posted a picture on Facebook this week of Kyle Jenner pre and post makeup. I thought I would include a photo of me before make up and after just so can appreciate the work that goes into it and to try and distract you from the dead woodchuck.....

April 16

I am sure everyone knows that we go on epic road trips and we try to plan one every year. Unfortunately this year we are being forced to modify our trip. The planning is my favourite part and because everything is up in the air I am unable to plan, so....

I thought I would plan a trip for everyone. With the dollar being as shitty as it is we are planning 3 trips within Canada - and why not? Canada is beautiful - we should explore it more!

Okay Trip 1:
A lovely drive out to the coast. Ryan and I have rented homes a few times out there as well as hotelled it. This lovely home is in Ucluelet - which is as hard to spell as it is to say. It has 3 bedrooms and 3 and 1/2 bathrooms. It is an amazing house with unbelievable views.  No pets and no children (I am kidding you can take kids but why would you!) and no parties. It has excellent reviews and in all of my experience with VRBO the home owners have been lovely. Now the price.....a little high I will admit - I have September 8 to the 14 as my pretend dates and it is $875 Canadian a night - but if you have 2 other couples it is only $295 per couple. Do-able but I admit still high. If you wait until late October the price drops to $549 per night (only $183 per couple). October and November are storm season so it would still be a wonderful trip. Bit of a drive from Rocky - about 21 hours and that is not including the ferry nightmare.

The house is 179977 on the VRBO website. If nothing else take a little virtual holiday and take a look - if all else fails and money and the threat of this virus is keeping you home then treat yourself to a pretend holiday.

Ucluelet has great tours, whale watching, kayaking, hiking or buy a case of wine in Kelowna on your drive over and just relax in this great house with friends. Drink the case of wine, argue over cards and who is doing the dishes and see who is still your friends after the holiday.....

Trip 2:
The Yukon - this is on my bucket list. I picked the same dates - September 8 to the 14. The drive would be amazing but definitely hitting colder nights and after the never-ending winter we are experiencing it is hard for me to appreciate those evenings right now. The house only sleeps 4 - unless someone want the futon and in my experience this leads to a quicker fight than who is doing the dishes. Only $325 per night so much more affordable than Ucluelet. Still a long drive though - from Rocky about 25 hours.

 

I did a quick search of things to do in Haines Junction and might be a little slim on choices. It does look like there are Air Tours which I am sure would be great. The VRBO house is number 3765180.

 

Trip 3:

I am putting this down as a driving trip but I think it is for the most die hards. Prince Edwards Island. Again, on the Bucket List, but having recently driven to Thunder Bay I need the memory eraser that they used in Men In Black to forget the mind-numbingly boring drive through Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Northern Ontario.  When I searched a house on the East Coast I did request a hot tub - after the 4,860 kilometer journey across Canada you are going to want to soak in a tub. 50 hours of driving and please remember that includes Saskatchewan and Manitoba that has some of the worst highways I have ever encountered. Manitoba also only has Provincially owner liquor stores so it is like a trip back in time. But the house is quite nice.

Lots of bedrooms and bathrooms so no worries about who is sleeping on the futon because you are going to need a masseuse and a chiropractor already! I did research and there are massage therapists in Cape Traverse. I think we can all agree that by the time you arrive there you will have no desire to leave the house to go on a tour for a few days.

 

Well those are all the places that we cannot go to. But my pretend holiday was very good and it also aided in my procrastinating taping my walls in preparation for Ryan painting them.  Sorry, holiday is over - but good news - you do not need to unpack your bags or do laundry!