Friday, 24 April 2020

April 24

I just wanted to make a short list of un-fun things to have done today or are still on my “To Do” list. They are in no particular order of un-fun-ness....
1. Cleaned up 1/2 (or there abouts) of a mouse that has been on my front step for about 5 days now....🤢. I was waiting for Riggs, the cat or some other creature to devour it, but no, it has been left for me. I consider it an offering to the Gods - in this case me being God....
2. Worked on my budget for work - suffice it to say that it is NOT a good time to be working in the oil patch. Unlike the other “good times” when there are uneducated protesters or Ludwig-esque terrorists....oh the good old days.....
3. Tried on my jeans. Jesus fuck. My size 14 jeans..... My size 14 jeans that I cannot even pretend are comfortable. The good news is I could get them done up. It was an engineering feat that could only be compared to the construction of the Panama Canal, but I did get them done up, but Lord Jesus that button was working hard. I finally changed after 20 minutes of trying to convince myself that they, “weren’t that tight” or that I have gained a lot of muscle around my mid section. I am quickly sneaking up on obese. Not really sneaking- huffing, with a burger in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and sweats on....that are also too tight.....
4. I vacuumed the stairs. Might not sound bad but my roll of “muscle” really interferes with bending over....
5. Rescued a woodchuck from Riggs, but alas, too late. Ryan disposed of the poor guy before it had time to decompose on my front step....definitely a blue job.



6. Put make up on and did my hair. I posted a picture on Facebook this week of Kyle Jenner pre and post makeup. I thought I would include a photo of me before make up and after just so can appreciate the work that goes into it and to try and distract you from the dead woodchuck.....




Thursday, 16 April 2020

April 16



I am sure everyone knows that we go on epic road trips and we try to plan one every year. Unfortunately this year we are being forced to modify our trip. The planning is my favourite part and because everything is up in the air I am unable to plan, so....

I thought I would plan a trip for everyone. With the dollar being as shitty as it is we are planning 3 trips within Canada - and why not? Canada is beautiful - we should explore it more!

Okay Trip 1:
A lovely drive out to the coast. Ryan and I have rented homes a few times out there as well as hotelled it. This lovely home is in Ucluelet - which is as hard to spell as it is to say. It has 3 bedrooms and 3 and 1/2 bathrooms. It is an amazing house with unbelievable views.  No pets and no children (I am kidding you can take kids but why would you!) and no parties. It has excellent reviews and in all of my experience with VRBO the home owners have been lovely. Now the price.....a little high I will admit - I have September 8 to the 14 as my pretend dates and it is $875 Canadian a night - but if you have 2 other couples it is only $295 per couple. Do-able but I admit still high. If you wait until late October the price drops to $549 per night (only $183 per couple). October and November are storm season so it would still be a wonderful trip. Bit of a drive from Rocky - about 21 hours and that is not including the ferry nightmare.

The house is 179977 on the VRBO website. If nothing else take a little virtual holiday and take a look - if all else fails and money and the threat of this virus is keeping you home then treat yourself to a pretend holiday.

Ucluelet has great tours, whale watching, kayaking, hiking or buy a case of wine in Kelowna on your drive over and just relax in this great house with friends. Drink the case of wine, argue over cards and who is doing the dishes and see who is still your friends after the holiday.....

Trip 2:
The Yukon - this is on my bucket list. I picked the same dates - September 8 to the 14. The drive would be amazing but definitely hitting colder nights and after the never-ending winter we are experiencing it is hard for me to appreciate those evenings right now. The house only sleeps 4 - unless someone want the futon and in my experience this leads to a quicker fight than who is doing the dishes. Only $325 per night so much more affordable than Ucluelet. Still a long drive though - from Rocky about 25 hours.
 
I did a quick search of things to do in Haines Junction and might be a little slim on choices. It does look like there are Air Tours which I am sure would be great. The VRBO house is number 3765180.
 
Trip 3:
I am putting this down as a driving trip but I think it is for the most die hards. Prince Edwards Island. Again, on the Bucket List, but having recently driven to Thunder Bay I need the memory eraser that they used in Men In Black to forget the mind-numbingly boring drive through Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Northern Ontario.  When I searched a house on the East Coast I did request a hot tub - after the 4,860 kilometer journey across Canada you are going to want to soak in a tub. 50 hours of driving and please remember that includes Saskatchewan and Manitoba that has some of the worst highways I have ever encountered. Manitoba also only has Provincially owner liquor stores so it is like a trip back in time. But the house is quite nice.
Lots of bedrooms and bathrooms so no worries about who is sleeping on the futon because you are going to need a masseuse and a chiropractor already! I did research and there are massage therapists in Cape Traverse. I think we can all agree that by the time you arrive there you will have no desire to leave the house to go on a tour for a few days.
 
Well those are all the places that we cannot go to. But my pretend holiday was very good and it also aided in my procrastinating taping my walls in preparation for Ryan painting them.  Sorry, holiday is over - but good news - you do not need to unpack your bags or do laundry!
 

April 15

I’m going to tell you all the things that surprised me today: 

1. That Mother Nature is a bitch. But for real. She has menopause. She forgot what sunshine and green grass was. She is waiting Trump to tell her that it was his idea for the sun to shine and the birds to sing.....

2. Zovias, Cupshe, Joleri, Bekzy, Carmelletta and Reffia all have the same advertisements on Facebook! Side note: I ordered fro, Zovias so I will update you on my order and the real size I should have ordered!

3. I miss human beings. I thought I hated all human contact. I was wrong. 

4. I am capable of unbelievable rage. Seriously. Pray for Ryan.

5. I paid for Master Class. My expectations are high. I have already listen to Wine Appreciation. Guess what? I appreciated wine before the class and did not feel stupid liking a glass for wine. Now suddenly I need to understand the soil it was grown in and the casks it was stored in!

6. I did not know 1 day could experience 13 seasons! They say that Inuit people have 30 different definitions of snow - me too! “fucking snow”, “fucking sideways snow“, “fucking snowman snow”, “fucking rain? No fucking snow”, “fucking light snow”, “fucking snow while the sun is shining”, “fucking big flake snow”, “fucking no snow so I’m expecting tornado” and all of this in a 15 minute window. I’m no longer expecting spring. I’ve written it off.

That’s all. I’m going stir crazy and I’m taking you all along with me. Mix a drink. Enjoy the ride. 

Friday, 10 April 2020

April 10

Mike Meyers once said, “Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematics of not being”. I disagree. I think that Canadians need to acknowledge our uniqueness and take pride in our Canadian-ness. And one of Canada’s biggest achievements is The Battle of Vimy Ridge.

I recently read Vimy by Pierre Berton (another unsung hero of Canada - it should be part of the school curriculum in Canada to read at least one of his books) and it was saddening, horrifying, patriotic, unbelievable and inspiring. I have to give a couple of quotes just to set the tone for this incredible battle:

To put this quote in context I will explain the preface - this is a quote from a soldier who visited the Vimy Ridge Memorial site in 1985, this soldier was in his 90’s and he was asked to describe life in the trenches - the mud, the lice and the filth of the rats - he said, “You had to be there. It’s not possible to describe it to somebody who wasn’t there”. I cannot even comprehend this environment. We are all complaining about social distancing and lack of toilet paper but we should acknowledge what real sacrifice is. 

Pierre Berton tries to explain what trench life was like - “...dig in your backyard a ditch about eight feet deep, fill it during a rain storm with 2 feet of thick clay mud, and then crouch in it, day and night, for a week, living on tinned bully beef, a few slices of mouldy bread or hardtack, and plum jam. Yet even if you fill the ditch with live rats and infested it with so many lice that your shirt crawled, it would still be a pale counterfeit of the real thing. The ceaseless rumble of guns, the crack of bullets overhead, the crump of trench mortars, the stench of mangled bodies, and the command on certain nights to emerge from your filthy hole and crawl in terror across No Man’s Land - these cannot be simulated.” This was the unbelievable conditions these boys lived in if they were lucky enough to not be killed.

And these were boys. I’m not sure what you think of when you hear the word soldier. I think of order, training, confidence, wisdom, ability, mature, prepared, fit. Some of these boys were as young as 16 or 17. Some weighed less than 120 pounds. These boys were from families that pioneered Western Canada. They were used to back breaking work, sleeping outside and going without. They were strengthened by playing lacrosse and hockey. They could kill a deer with a rifle, eat cold meals and ride horses. They had tinkered with farm machinery and could quickly adapt to their surroundings. And over half of the Canadian troops were from west of Ontario, even though that was a very sparsely populated area in Canada in 1914. 

Again a quote from Berton, “As David Lloyd George, the British Prime Minister, was to put in his memoirs “Whenever the Germans found the Canadian corps coming into line, they prepared for the worst.” The Canadian troops quickly were recognized by the Allies that, although we were a young nation, comprised of immigrants, we were more than able to step up and fight the Germans. 

The Germans had taken the ridge in October 1914 and the Allies had been trying to recapture it ever since. The French fought for it for a year and lost over 150,000 men, then the British tried. There were several battles over the course of many months in 1915 and 1916 but the Germans kept control of the ridge. In early 1917 it was the Canadians turn.

Now there was incredible planning and the book details the act of warfare that I cannot even begin to understand but the Battle was eventually planned for April 9, 1917. It was Easter Monday at 5:30 am. It was snowing - blizzard like conditions. Can you imagine anything more Canadian? By April 12 the Canadians held the ridge. Now, obviously, the time in between the initial attack and eventually taking the ridge was absolute hell and cost Canada 3,600 soldiers and almost 7,000 wounded but when the dust settled a nation was born.

Canada captured the ridge with “blinding speed”. The Germans never regained the ridge and it was generally agreed that this was the turning point of the war. 

The Americans (who, by the way, did not enter WW1 until April 1917) acknowledged our performance. The New York Tribune wrote, “every American will feel a thrill of admiration and a touch of honest envy at the achievement of the Canadian troops.... No praise of the Canadian achievement can be excessive Canada has sent across the sea an army greater than Napoleon ever commanded in the field”. And the New York Times wrote, “ In Canada‘s history, one of the great days, a day of glory to furnish inspiration for her sons for generations”. Impressive admiration from a country that currently struggles to acknowledge any country outside of its borders. 

I am not doing this battle the justice it deserves but I really wanted to highlight how great Canada can be. How important it is to be unified. How proud we should be of the Canadians that fought (and fight) for our country. How petty and silly we can be - especially right now while we are fighting this pandemic. How we, as Canadians, should proudly and loudly defend and praise our nation. 

How did Canada lose respect for the West? The west was praised for the hardships that the pioneer families suffered to settle the west, the building of a cross country railway, the hard work of all of the men and women to establish a life, an economy that would help support ALL of Canada. Western Canadians fought in both wars, these were farm boys that left the farm and the comforts of home to fight for freedom. My own grandfather fought in WW2 and I am sure suffered his own demons until his dying day. 

I was trying not to get on my soap box for this blog and sincerely and honestly praise the soldiers and their families for the sacrifices they made and ensure them that it was not made in vain. We live our life because of their commitment and perseverance that theses people showed. I thank you. My family thanks you. 

One more thing (this blog is like Lord of The Rings, it never ends!) I would like to tell Mike Meyers that he is wrong. We are not English. We are not American. We are Canadian. We are a great nation. 

And damn it READ A PIERRE BERTON BOOK!! If not Vimy then Prisoners of the North, it is another great one. 


Tuesday, 31 March 2020

March 31

Okay, my absolute favourite fake news story EVER is that Putin released over 500 lions and tigers and possibly some hyenas (I mean, why not?) to enforce a lockdown in Russia. Seriously, if this was true then Checkmate Vladimir. You win. You are the true Tiger King. 🤴 

This story was so crazy and I wanted so badly to believe this one. I can picture it - Vladimir, Yevgeny Zinichev (Minister of Emergency Situations) and Sergey Shoygu (Minister of Defence) sitting in the Kremlin enjoying a snifter of brandy while discussing the protection of all Russians and complete denial that the COVID19 virus would ever have the audacity to cross into Russian territory. 

They would all have a chuckle when they discussed the suave, confident way that Donald Trump would assure the American people that a two week self quarantine would suffice. Then they would all have a quiet, introspective moment when the slightest doubt may weave its way into their minds. 

Yevgeny leans forward and hesitantly addresses Putin, “Mr. Putin, in the off chance that someone, inadvertently, brings this virus into Mother Russia we should have a back up plan....”. Putin gives a slight grin, takes another sip of brandy, sets his glass down and turns to address his Ministers, “I have long planned for an emergency like this. We shall release 500 lions and tigers into the streets of every major Russia city. This will guarantee no one leaves their homes and spreads this virus” He smiles triumphantly. 

Yevgeny and Sergey risk a tentative glance at one another and Sergey softly asks, “But Vladimir, where will we get 500 lions and tigers.....” Vladimir victoriously grins... “a few years ago I infiltrated America and made sweet love to an Oklahoman man with a mullet. I agreed to dispose of a crazy woman’s husband and supply him with an endless supply of methamphetamine as long as he could provide me with limitless predatory cats. We have lions, tigers, bears, spider monkeys, a one armed woman and a double amputee at our immediate disposal.....”  

Ties up all those loose ends doesn’t it? 


Monday, 30 March 2020

March 30

Well, I have to start this blog with a sincere apology. I am entirely to blame for this shitty weather. Last week I insisted Ryan bring the patio furniture onto the deck because, “winter is over and spring is here”. Is this my first rodeo?! How could I be so naive that I could think that 1 spring day would confirm the arrival of enduring pleasant weather? I fell for it, I am so desperate for good, positive, happy news that I grasped onto the promise of spring like an alcoholic reaches for a glass of wine after completing their 12 steps in six hours. Mother Nature is so confused she could be in the a Trump Administration - is it supposed to be spring? Still winter? Self isolate? Holiday in Florida? Back to work April 15? 30? 

So during this self quarantine this is what we’ve done.....
1. Watched Netflix:
       - Tiger Kings - God help me it was like crack. I couldn’t get enough. This made me feel more superior as a nation than I should. Well....until I read Uncensored Voice Your Opinion RMH. Seriously people - you frighten me. This is the reason I am growing to hate Facebook. If you believe birds are robots, if you believe Tom Hanks is a pedophile, if you believe that the Chinese people created this disease - then please quietly unfriendly me and we will never speak of this again. But back to Joe Exotic - What. The. Fuck. A few things that caught me off guard - meth + tigers = homosexual. I was never previously aware of this calculation. Next - Carol is crazier than Joe. Third - it only costs $2000 US (currently about $58,972 CDN) to buy a tiger cub.
          - Sexual Education - Ryan and I laughed our asses off through both seasons. I love English shows. 
          - Narcos Mexico - reminds me of one of the many reasons why I don’t sell drugs for a living
          - Ozark - trying to ration this series like a good bottle of red. We did have to watch the last episode of Season 2 for a refresher. So good. 
          - Complete side note - if you are looking for a good series to watch Derry Girls. It is a must. And if you watch that show and Michelle doesn’t remind you of Shannon Beagle then quietly unfriend me on Facebook. Shannon, she is my favourite character ❤️. 

2. Read books: 
         - The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - meh. Not as good as The DeVinci Code or Angels and Demons.
         - Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens -  Very good. 
         - American Dirt - wow! Couldn’t put it down. Only put it down to have a sip of wine, take a deep breath and keep reading.
         - The Alchemist - one of Dekker’s favourite. Not so much one of mine. 
         - Once Upon a River - 18 pages in and so far so good

3. Crocheted 2 scarves - thought this was pointless until winter reasserted its dominance.

4. Cooked amazing meals (and some not so amazing meals) 
          - Tahini Chicken Buddha bowl - delish
          - Homemade split Pea Soup - delish 
          - Blueberry Lemon Poppyseed Muffins - delish
          - Swedish meatballs - meatballs were slightly freezer burnt but seeings how we are in the middle of an Apocalypse then beggars can’t be choosers
          - Roasted Cauliflower and Roasted Garlic soup- delish
          - Beet and Gin cured Salmon - awful. Terrible. We ate freezer burnt chicken fingers that were 100 times better. I will attach a photo of what it should have looked like and what it did look like. 

5. I am currently trying to convince my husband that painting our basement is a great idea. I’ll let you know how that goes.....


That’s it. I’m slowly going crazy. Not sure what we are doing next week......










Saturday, 14 March 2020

March 14

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?!?!?

This is unbelievably ridiculous. What is humanity coming to? Every day I am more shocked and disappointed in the world. Is this virus this bad or are we all buying into this hysteria? First of all:
TOILET PAPER - my-mother-fucking-god. I recently counted, I have 13 rolls of toilet paper in my house and when I need roll 14 and there is none available in the world I am going to go postal. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to sleep at night and pray that God will keep me safe and provide me with paper to wipe with, but I do go to bed and pray to my lord and saviour, Rex Murphy, that the world will pull its head out of its ass and use the toilet paper to wipe accordingly. 
TRUDEAU - “All non-essential people please do not come to work”. Trudeau didn’t let the door hit his ass on the way out did he?! Now, I know, he is self-quarantined, taking care of his wife (are they still together? I heard rumour they weren’t) and attempting to learn to tie his own shoes and finally finishing reading Charlotte’s Web, but I think this is a little litmus test for how useless the little shit is.
OIL PRICES - someone grab Putin, Trump and Mohammad bin Salman by the balls and tell them to grow the fuck up. Stand aside, I’ll do it. It’s a big sandbox boys, we can all play. Why do women not rule the world? This shit would not happen, you know why? Because we don’t argue on who has the largest penis. 
CORONAVIRUS - I hate that my iPad recognizes this word before I’m done typing it. Please stop comparing it to the 1918 Pandemic. It is not the same. This is the flu, albeit a flu with a higher mortality rate - but only slightly. Lets put this in context - there are approximately 2,300 suicides A DAY, 90 people die A DAY in car accidents, 1,660 people die A DAY from cancer and approximately 50,000 people die a year from seasonal flu. So can we all settle down. Seriously. There will be deaths, which is awful for those families, but unfortunately that is a fact of life. This is not small pox, it’s the flu. Also - in the last 10 minutes there was 2,500 births so I think we’re okay. And while we are on this - vaccinate your fucking kids! And China - stop eating bats. Jesus fuck. 
THE STOCK MARKET - wow. Just wow. Everyone take a deep breathe.....now exhale..... Calm the fuck down. 

Really, that’s it. No, wait - one more thing. Wash your hands! Again, can’t believe it needs to be said but wash with soap and water. Wash well and wash often. Sneeze into you elbow or a Kleenex and then treat that Kleenex as though it’s radioactive. 

Sophie Trudeau is going to make it through. She is laying in bed right now with a cup of tea with honey in it, she has taken 2 Advil and she is browsing Tinder or Plenty of Fish to look for #2. God bless her and I forgive her for her poor choice the first time around but I think, we can all agree, she has a lot going for her and she will choose much more wisely with husband number 2. We are praying for a speedy recovery Soph!