Nov 6 and 7th

So I’m going to be perfectly honest- both days are pretty fuzzy. On the 6th we played cards all day and did not leave the island and today we played cards all day at the island and out on the deck. So same, same. I would like to tell you all on the Shannon-iggins we did but, 2 things: you probably wouldn’t find them as funny as us and I cannot remember most of them. There were 15,000 tears shed and only 17 of them in sorrow, which is amazing because between the 6 of us we have 3 dead dads, 3 dead dogs, 1 divorce, 38 problem children and 1 bad mother-in-law…… so there was only a bit of therapy. And I’m EXHAUSTED from giving out therapy. Whew, these girls are a mess! I think I have done a fairly good job of talking everyone through their issues and they are ready to re-emerge into society and be “fairly” health capacity. I am not sure if everyone appreciates the hours I put into these girls mental health, but suffice it to say, it’s ALOT. So good news, I’m ready to tuen these ladies back into society. They’re ready. Time to push my little birds out of the nest to let them fly. This is my calling. To help.

I love you ladies. Unless we get arrested in Banff. Then I have no fucking idea who you are and don’t hold my hand!

November 5

Warren Kolisnek is such a support. This is his morning text:

Warren: Is it a morning of Polygrip and a vitamin train? Mimosa’s with prune juice? 

And yesterday, when it took us 15 hours to get here:

Warren: “Did you make it tithe geriatric party yet? A weekend of bridge and lawn bowling. Maybe needlepoint in the afternoon with the evenings jam packed with. Good game of bingo”

So laugh is on you! We used to do needlepoint….in our 30’s!? Now our days are filled with (in no particular order): coffee….coffee again when we realized that last night, when we were fairly liquored, we forgot to put the filter in the coffee pot, then a couple beer, then a couple more with Clamato, then a game of dominoes, then we solved world hunger, then we had Caesars, then we were ready for politics, a healthy conversation about socialism versus capitalism (we know where I fall on that subject), the 45 minutes of 80 and 90’s karaoke (at a volume level that is 2 decibels lower than Woodstock), then vodka and Soda’s and we were ready for yoga. A solid 7 minutes of yoga and on to poker and Facebook stalking - which is difficult when your internet connection is spotty. A quick time check and it is 10:08. This is the moment we realize we are 50. We were all awake at 6:30. A.M. In. The. Morning. In the old days this would be when we were going to bed, but now we are awake then because we don’t want to alter our regular schedule. 

We had a very quiet day, where we were entirely responsible and made good decisions. And we are doing a lot of pre-planning for tomorrow. We are taking this shit show on the road. Pub crawl to Golden. God, fucking help us. 

Oh, shit, did I mention the mumu’s?

November 4

Okay, again, in the honor of complete disclosure, this may not be for the of faint heart….Merrly picked us up….,,, LATE!! Yep, late. I’m not sure if everyone knows the rules abut road trips?! You NEVER, NEVER pick up ladies, who are over the age of 23, late. They. Will. Be. Drunk. Was this a secret? In my life I have been pre-road trip buzzing roughly 238 times, and never in my 238 year history have I ever gotten more sober. I know this probably says more about me than it does about me the driver. And I do not think “gotten” is a word, I apologize.

But I regress - Merrily was late.But she drives like a rock star. We were forced 🙄 to divert through Radium. It was awful for me. One more pee break on the side of the road, I know…..awful. We decided that we can no longer do a Chinese fire drill. A 50-year-old-fire-drill is when we all get out of the vehicle, have a pee, refill the cooler and then wander around aimlessly until Merrily herds us all back into the vehicle. 

Anyway -I was trying to tell a story - this is also a near impossible feat - to get through an entire story without being interrupted or forgetting what you were saying. Also, we did have a couple puffs from the medicinal vape so that also made talking difficult. In the middle of my story I announced,”Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore.” Obviously my mouth and my brain weren’t working together, but I definitely didn’t mean to say Oprah.  But it is a true story - Oprah doesn’t call me at home anymore, but also true story - she never did call me at home or at work or anytime. 

So when we stopped for our 43rd pee break - we got out, found our spots to pee, Trena re-filled the cooler -again - and we all got back in the truck - had to all search for our phones before we left and then we headed out. Then Trena announced that SHE DIDN’T PEE! Merrily pulled over but Trena said there was a vehicle behind us - Merrily slammed on the brakes and yelled at Trena, “IT’S A YARD LIGHT! GET THE FUCK OUT AND PEE!” And we wonder why it took us 22 days to get to Golden?!

While we driving it dawned on me that I was traveling with my pall bearers so I took the opportunity to give some instructions. Firstly, they are going to have to be strong. As much as I say I’m going to lose weight, let’s be honest, I’ll always be a solid lady. And dead weight, I can’t imagine how heavy I am going to be. Also my coffin - it is going to be heavy - I am worried about my Pall Bearer Team. I have to loose some weight for the girls. I also need to know if they’re right handed or left handed - important in my placement decisions. But there is 5 girls - I need a sixth. And a spotter. Like someone in training just in case one of these bitches breaks a hip or has a hangover. And I want crying at my funeral. Sobbing. Fuckers better be sad when I’m gone. 

Okay - having a coffee and playing marbles so gotta go. 

Nov 4

So, I am doing calisthenics, deep breathing, mental preparation…there is a girl’s weekend brewing…Trena is turning 50. She is the long last in a long run of amazing ladies turning 50. (On a total side note: WTF - how did 50 happen so fucking fast?!) So block me, unfriend me or ignore me….. or get some fucking bail money because shit is going to get real…..)