February 16

In an effort to bring a smile I am going to share with everyone my enormous left breast photo. I do not think it needs an introduction it is making itself quite well known. Now never before has that boob been needing this much attention. I have a few theories on this substantial breast:

1. It was caught mid-flight on its way over my left shoulder....
2. It is trying to get Ryan's beer.....
3. One of my fat rolls is caught in my bra giving the false impression of a large left breast...
4. Both my right and left boobs are sharing 1 cup....
5. I store all of my good ideas in that side of my bra and I am bursting with information....

Also, please note, that is NOT a nipple, it is the bolt in the picnic table. I also think I do not need a boob job, I only need this picnic table everywhere I go. We have been trying to recreate this photo and, alas, to no avail. Like Halley's Comet, contracting chicken pox or hearing Rachel Notley say something intelligent - this was a once in a lifetime event. I am glad that Ol' Leftie, as I affectionately call her, had her moment in the sun. On July 15, 2015. At Vermillion Crossing.

You were a beauty for 15 minutes and I understand that those standards are difficult to maintain and you can live proudly knowing Lil' Righty, as I affectionately call the other one, has never made me as proud as you did. Love you left boob and the other people who are in these picture but I cannot focus on....

February 15

I have to do a blog about my dear friend Tony. Jen and I were honored to do all we could do to help Brian and Kim bury their child. No parent should ever have to face the pain and heartache that these wonderful people are braving. I love you more than you could possibly know and I respect and admire your grace and love during this nightmare. You both amaze me.

I did not get to say a few things about Tony but I would like to now. What an amazing human. We only had him for a very short 16 years but I cannot believe the impression this young man made on my life. What a true inspiration. Very few people make me belly laugh every few sentences, but my God that child did. I loved being around him. Honestly, just being in his presence was blissful. He did not need to talk – we would make eye contact and both roll our eyes. He was so brutally honest, which I loved almost as most as his humor. He was my go-to guy many times just because I knew he would appreciate my twisted sense of humor, and I his. I just loved him like my own.

I promise to you that we will all remember you with laughter and love. I can’t imagine it now, but we will get there. It’s funny – whenever I think of you or remember times we all spent together, I think there was a glow around you. You were a gift that was given for 16 years. What a fucking amazing gift. Love you Tony.

February 1

Oh my God, I try. I swear to God I try, but I wish I could have stick and hit people who drive me bat shit crazy!!! In lieu of my beating stick, and because I consider this blog some form of venting, I have to share my thoughts on 2018 so far.  I think I am making my New Year’s resolutions  in mid-February for the Chinese New Year.  Here goes:

1.       I am not a good person. It’s all I can do not to have a Tourette Syndrome outburst and lose my mind. I am always two steps away from a Brittney Spears meltdown – shave my head  and start smashing cars with an umbrella. I interact with people and walk away and roll my eyes. If Eye Rolling was an Olympic sport I would take Gold, Silver and Bronze. If eye rolling burned calories I would be 85 pounds. My Chinese New Year’s resolution is to NOT shave my head…baby steps…

2.       This should be number 1. People who live in the city, sit on their asses 40 hours a week on the 7^th floor of some office building in downtown Edmonton, breathing recycled air, listening to their shitty new age music, going to yoga at night, tofu eating mother fuckers that try to tell me that my side by side is destroying the earth. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Please. Take you opinion in the Edmonton Journal about the torque of my OHV and the song bird bullshit and shove it up your ass. I live here. I listen to the birds. I am a responsible OHV user. And you know what?! I clean up the garbage you leave behind after you come to MY BACKYARD on the long weekend . My Chinese New Year’s resolution – to fight this Y2Y bullshit worth every fibre of my being.

3.       The NDP commercials on the radio. When Rachel tries to defend Albertans over the Robin Hood hating Jason Kenny. Rachel, do not every include me in your little RA RA speech. I am going to take out my own radio ad – “If you earn it, it’s yours. Not some lazy bastard on welfare.” I heard that the UPC approval rating in Alberta is 57% and NDP is 23%. Good. This time next year Rachel can pack her bags, call her horrible cousin Kathleen Wynne and rent a basement suite with her. They can knit blankets for the underprivileged. My Chinese New Year’s resolution – stop counting the days until the NDP is a sad footnote in Alberta’s history and start counting the hours.

4.       Changing the lyrics of Oh Canada. Oh Canada, what are you doing? Really? Are transgender people losing sleep over the lyrics to our national anthem? Do they take this as a personal affront? Little history on our national anthem. The original lyrics were, “True patriot love thou doust in us command” but was changed before the First World War to encourage young men to sign up to fight. I just think with everything Canadians are facing – immigration, NAFTA concerns, lumber tariffs, TSX poor performance,  carbon taxes, the money we spend on Justin’s hair products – that we need to spend ANY time on song lyrics is a little embarrassing. Seriously Canada – man up (sorry, I was being gender specific with that comment). Get your shit together and deal with real issues. Our drama teacher leader should not worry about what other teachers are saying about him in the lunch room and do his god damn job! My Chinese New Year’s resolution – sing loud and proud – “In all our SONS command”.

 

I apologize for my Brittney outburst, but seriously, please tell me you are with me. Please, tell me that there are other sane Albertans that constantly shake their heads and wonder what we are doing? Who is driving the ship?