December 29

So left -39 degrees Celsius in Calgary to arrive at Telchac (after 16 hours of traveling- but more about that later) anyway, back to arriving at Telchac and the temperature at 11:00 at night was 25 degrees Celsius. That is with a plus not a negative. The drive to Calgary was fucking Arctic. We had the heater cranked on defrost and the windshield was still frosting up and the backseat was so cold that Jen and I did discuss if we hit the ditch we would only have minutes. Minutes to mix another drink while the boys fixed the truck. Anyway, early morning flight…only to wait on the tarmac for an hour and a half while they got the engine on the left wing running. Such was our desire to leave the fucking ridiculous cold Albertan weather that we didn’t care about the dodgy left engine. We had a quick chat and figured we could make it to Mexico with only 1 engine. We were ready to take our chances.

So made it to Mexico - honestly, we were so happy to be here that we were in slight disbelief that there was no snow, no windchill. Not a winter coat in sight. So what did we do to celebrate?! We sat on the tarmac for an hour before we could deplane. We FINALLY pulled up to the ramp to get off that fucking plane and guess what?! We pulled too close to the airport and they had to get someone to push the plane back one foot! One motherfucking foot!! Okay, off the plane, got our luggage, found our driver and then started our drive to the house. Of course, to keep with our theme, there was road construction and it took us an hour later to get to the house. But after everything- it was STILL worth it! I woke up this morning to the song of birdsong, fresh coffee and a walk on the beach and it is wonderful. I forgot that this weather existed. 

So sitting tonight playing dice tonight and Jen and Darren looked at one another and said, “Should we tell her?” Of course I said, you better fucking tell me….. Ya, they think the tarantula is still living here. So I am giving this resort zero stars. Do not recommend. Yes the wine is cold, there is an endless supply of tequila, the weather is spectacular, the pool is clean and cool, the food is amazing but zero stars!! Fucking tarantula. Ryan did inspect the hole, and the expert that he is, has determined that it is either an old hole or not a tarantula hole. I have never depended on his Native tracking skills more.

Just a quick update - as I am sitting here working on my blog trying to lower my tarantula elevated blood pressure something dropped on my head. I jumped up screaming that something landed on my head. Everyone was convinced that I was imagining it…then we hear Jord giggle. She is on the roof with a ponytail tied to the end of a string that she drooped on my head! So definitely not sleeping tonight. 

Dec 11

Well Jen and I just completed our annual girls shopping trip sans girls. Extremely successful. Spent $500 on others and 3x’s that on us! Being Santa is hard. Anyway….the point of our excursion is: 1. Finding Christmas spirit. 2. Drinking Christmas spirit 3. Enjoying an amazing meal. Check. Check and check. But our night did highlight the need for a blog.  Bathrooms. Okay we need to discuss.

Public bathrooms are a bloody crap shoot (no pun intended). Why. The. Fuck. Are. People. Disgusting?! Who raised these people? Have they ever cleaned a bathroom? A list of questions I have….in no particular order.

1. Flushing. You are all going to learn some things about me… why would you ever make a deposit and not flush?  What is the thought process behind that decision? Are you proud of your contribution? Don’t be. I flush and double flush to ensure I am leaving a bathroom in a condition that I would want to see it in.

2. Not sitting on the seat to pee. I’m not sure about your hovering abilities but mine are not strong. When I pee i sit. Why do some people find the need to to not sit (this is not a man vs woman discussion yet…that will be another point) this is strictly for the ladies out there. Covering the toilet seat in toilet paper is not the equivalent to the cleanliness of a surgical room. If a bathroom is clean then sit and enjoy the pee. Squatting on a toilet inlet seat is never acceptable. I once stood in line for an outhouse behind 8 ladies, of a non-determined nationality, and by the time I got to the bathroom it was revolving. Outhouses are always a little sketchy (I am actually going to save that for its only bullet point) but the state of that outhouse was a direct result of theses women’s peeing choices. When you go into an outhouse and there is pictographs explaining how to SIT on a toilet seat to pee I have issues. 

3. Unisex bathrooms or what the fuck ever we call them now. It is the eternal question- toilet seat up or down. The answer is down. And if we are sharing a mother fucking bathroom them I do not want to see pee drips on the toilet seat. Again I think I need to call mothers and ask if this was acceptable in their house. No drips boys. Clean that up before you leave. Like an adult. 

4. Outhouses. I am an Alberta girl. I’ve peed in every outhouse between the Saskatchewan border and the Pacific Ocean (obviously a slight exaggeration) and I have seen some great outhouses and some that should have just been burnt down. Same rules apply - don’t be a disgusting human being. The worst outhouse I’ve ever seen is Harlech. I went out a peed beside the outhouse because I wasn’t going to go for a tetanus shot if I used that outhouse. Darian worked for parks for a couple of years and her outhouse stories scarred me. When people are on probation or guilt of a lesser crime their punishment should be cleaning bathrooms. And picking garbage. Fuck it - I’m running for office. (TBH I just wrote “ruining” not running but whatever) 

5. Peeing by the side of the road. This is actually quite relevant because Jen and I peed on a side road yesterday on our way to Calgary and got caught. When you catch a woman peeing on the side of the road please know she doesn’t give a damn that you are seeing her ass. I speak for the entire female population when I say that when we have to pee we can’t just whip it out and go. There is location issues, clothing issues (God forbid if you’re wearing coveralls), spray issues….the last thing that concerns us is someone driving around the corner. And please, if you are bush peeing shake and complete. Don’t use toilet paper it is not necessary. 

6. Wash your hands. I think there should be someone in a public bathroom to monitor hand washing. If you don’t wash you get an electric shock. Like an elect shock that makes you pee a little. Get back in there and use soap and wash. Boys this applies to you. You just touched your penis - wash your mother fucking hands before touching anything. 

On behalf of all mothers - thank you.