September 20

So….that fucker made it back in. You know I was almost starting to hope….

But anyway, we are spending a lovely holiday in Victoria. My very wonderful friend Dean McLeod turned 50 and Darian came over to help me celebrate with him. I am so pissed - I took no pictures! Fuck. You know what I did do? Shots! And also Dean, I peed in your driveway while I was waiting for the cab. I’m all class.

But in my hotel room I’m currently sharing with Darian, I have no book to read. But…you know what reading suggestion the hotel gave me? Yep, the bible, the one and only. Now quick side note… Joan - stop reading this blog! 😉

So, please don’t ruin the end of the book - no spoilers, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned…

1. There is three ethnicities- Jews, Greeks and slaves. Pick wisely my friends…
2. There is only two genders - men and angels (but before you pick apparently the dudes are angels as well)
3. Darian asked me, “who was the guy that changed religion? He was German.” I said, “Hilter.” No. Martin Luther (who, btw, was my second guess). Luther said - “let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave” - this confuses me? Is she happy to see him come home because he brought pizza? Is she sad to see him leave because he didn’t empty the dishwasher? The author of this book is not very focused.
4. “Wine is a mocker, a strong drink that turns the wisest man into a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” - firstly, I like that they acknowledge men are worse at holding their alcohol. Second, only when you are drunk do you say what you really want to say. You are pretty wise when you’re drunk - not articulate but wise.
5. “And the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you”” - so for sure God endorses carbs. I fucking called that!
6. Wait, wait - we have a rodeo, “saddle the donkey for me. They saddled the donkey for him and he rode away on it”  it then THEY ATE BREAD TOGETHER! Again with the carbs! 
7. But wait! It gets worse for the donkey guy! A fucking lion met him on the way and killed him?! What? Is this a Tarantino movie? The timeline is all over the place! And the sentence structure is ridiculous.
8. There is a first book of chronicles so I’m kind of excited - I think we are going to go to Narnia right away.

So, the book isn’t that exciting so I skipped to the end to see what happens. I can’t tell a lie. It was slightly sexual and it made me uncomfortable. But I think I need to have full disclosure - we are staying at the Marriott which, apparently is an Evangelical hotel. I’m not sure about the Delta - Buddhism? The Fairmont - catholic? Fuck, now I have to look for a good deal AND what hotel is going to save my soul! But I think might be my first Christian blog. I think I’m pretty good at it. Eat bread and kill the donkey guy! 

September 10

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, my criminal activities have finally been recognized. Al Capone was caught through tax evasion, Ted Bundy was caught stealing a car…how was I caught? I answered my cellphone. Yes, an innocent, “Hello” and my world came crashing down. Here is an informal transcript of my damnation:

Me: Hello? (In a musical, lovely tone, eager to visit with whoever was calling me from Waterloo) 

Waterloo: Hello Anastacia? 

Me (thinking, “fuck, this must be serious?!): Yes?

Waterloo: This is Border Control and we are calling to inform you that there is a warrant out for your arrest.

Me: What did you catch me for? (Thinking of my various crimes)

Waterloo: This call is being recorded.

Me: Good, because I won’t remember what the fuck in confess to.

Waterloo: Recently a package crossed the border addressed to you with more than 4 different kinds of drugs in it, like cocaine and fentanyl and more than $94,000 dollars in it. 

Me: Which border?

Waterloo: THE border.

Me: That makes no sense. I sent the $94,000 to BUY the drugs. What drugs did I get?

Waterloo: Can you spell your name? 

Me: Will you spell it to me and I’ll tell you if it is correct….

Waterloo: WILL YOU PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME?!

Me: (I can read Anna Karina faster than I can spell my name…..this is a side note but can you not agree that when anyone names an innocent child Anastacia Jean Bardenhagen that it is some twisted form of child abuse? I think my mom was punishing me for being born breach. I was 7 before I could spend my name! And, by the way, as a fetus I knew I was going to be born ass first so the world could kiss it, well most of the world, not Waterloo….back to my story) A.N.A.S.T.A.C.I.A  B.E.A.V.E.R.B.O.N.E.S. (Now, I know that Anastacia Beaverbones is not my legal name but my Uncle Wade christened me Beaverbones before I could spell Anastacia and I thought I should honour that by sharing it with Waterloo)

Waterloo: That is not the name we have on file.

Me: Hmmm….that’s strange. I always get my drugs delivered as Anastacia Beaverbones. Is this why I am not getting my Free People packages?

Waterloo: You are buying free people?

Me: Well you cannot buy slaves through the mail….

Then Waterloo hung up on me! So I am sure that the RCMP will show up at any given moment. I might need a lawyer. But on a positive note I am getting at least 4 different kinds of drugs AND $94,000 but, alas, no slaves.