March 31

Okay, my absolute favourite fake news story EVER is that Putin released over 500 lions and tigers and possibly some hyenas (I mean, why not?) to enforce a lockdown in Russia. Seriously, if this was true then Checkmate Vladimir. You win. You are the true Tiger King. 🤴 

This story was so crazy and I wanted so badly to believe this one. I can picture it - Vladimir, Yevgeny Zinichev (Minister of Emergency Situations) and Sergey Shoygu (Minister of Defence) sitting in the Kremlin enjoying a snifter of brandy while discussing the protection of all Russians and complete denial that the COVID19 virus would ever have the audacity to cross into Russian territory. 

They would all have a chuckle when they discussed the suave, confident way that Donald Trump would assure the American people that a two week self quarantine would suffice. Then they would all have a quiet, introspective moment when the slightest doubt may weave its way into their minds. 

Yevgeny leans forward and hesitantly addresses Putin, “Mr. Putin, in the off chance that someone, inadvertently, brings this virus into Mother Russia we should have a back up plan....”. Putin gives a slight grin, takes another sip of brandy, sets his glass down and turns to address his Ministers, “I have long planned for an emergency like this. We shall release 500 lions and tigers into the streets of every major Russia city. This will guarantee no one leaves their homes and spreads this virus” He smiles triumphantly. 

Yevgeny and Sergey risk a tentative glance at one another and Sergey softly asks, “But Vladimir, where will we get 500 lions and tigers.....” Vladimir victoriously grins... “a few years ago I infiltrated America and made sweet love to an Oklahoman man with a mullet. I agreed to dispose of a crazy woman’s husband and supply him with an endless supply of methamphetamine as long as he could provide me with limitless predatory cats. We have lions, tigers, bears, spider monkeys, a one armed woman and a double amputee at our immediate disposal.....”  

Ties up all those loose ends doesn’t it? 

March 30

Well, I have to start this blog with a sincere apology. I am entirely to blame for this shitty weather. Last week I insisted Ryan bring the patio furniture onto the deck because, “winter is over and spring is here”. Is this my first rodeo?! How could I be so naive that I could think that 1 spring day would confirm the arrival of enduring pleasant weather? I fell for it, I am so desperate for good, positive, happy news that I grasped onto the promise of spring like an alcoholic reaches for a glass of wine after completing their 12 steps in six hours. Mother Nature is so confused she could be in the a Trump Administration - is it supposed to be spring? Still winter? Self isolate? Holiday in Florida? Back to work April 15? 30? 

So during this self quarantine this is what we’ve done.....

1. Watched Netflix:

       - Tiger Kings - God help me it was like crack. I couldn’t get enough. This made me feel more superior as a nation than I should. Well....until I read Uncensored Voice Your Opinion RMH. Seriously people - you frighten me. This is the reason I am growing to hate Facebook. If you believe birds are robots, if you believe Tom Hanks is a pedophile, if you believe that the Chinese people created this disease - then please quietly unfriendly me and we will never speak of this again. But back to Joe Exotic - What. The. Fuck. A few things that caught me off guard - meth + tigers = homosexual. I was never previously aware of this calculation. Next - Carol is crazier than Joe. Third - it only costs $2000 US (currently about $58,972 CDN) to buy a tiger cub.

          - Sexual Education - Ryan and I laughed our asses off through both seasons. I love English shows. 

          - Narcos Mexico - reminds me of one of the many reasons why I don’t sell drugs for a living

          - Ozark - trying to ration this series like a good bottle of red. We did have to watch the last episode of Season 2 for a refresher. So good. 

          - Complete side note - if you are looking for a good series to watch Derry Girls. It is a must. And if you watch that show and Michelle doesn’t remind you of Shannon Beagle then quietly unfriend me on Facebook. Shannon, she is my favourite character ❤️. 

2. Read books: 

         - The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - meh. Not as good as The DeVinci Code or Angels and Demons.

         - Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens -  Very good. 

         - American Dirt - wow! Couldn’t put it down. Only put it down to have a sip of wine, take a deep breath and keep reading.

         - The Alchemist - one of Dekker’s favourite. Not so much one of mine. 

         - Once Upon a River - 18 pages in and so far so good

3. Crocheted 2 scarves - thought this was pointless until winter reasserted its dominance.

4. Cooked amazing meals (and some not so amazing meals) 

          - Tahini Chicken Buddha bowl - delish

          - Homemade split Pea Soup - delish 

          - Blueberry Lemon Poppyseed Muffins - delish

          - Swedish meatballs - meatballs were slightly freezer burnt but seeings how we are in the middle of an Apocalypse then beggars can’t be choosers

          - Roasted Cauliflower and Roasted Garlic soup- delish

          - Beet and Gin cured Salmon - awful. Terrible. We ate freezer burnt chicken fingers that were 100 times better. I will attach a photo of what it should have looked like and what it did look like. 

5. I am currently trying to convince my husband that painting our basement is a great idea. I’ll let you know how that goes.....

That’s it. I’m slowly going crazy. Not sure what we are doing next week......

March 14

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?!?!?

This is unbelievably ridiculous. What is humanity coming to? Every day I am more shocked and disappointed in the world. Is this virus this bad or are we all buying into this hysteria? First of all:

TOILET PAPER - my-mother-fucking-god. I recently counted, I have 13 rolls of toilet paper in my house and when I need roll 14 and there is none available in the world I am going to go postal. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to sleep at night and pray that God will keep me safe and provide me with paper to wipe with, but I do go to bed and pray to my lord and saviour, Rex Murphy, that the world will pull its head out of its ass and use the toilet paper to wipe accordingly. 

TRUDEAU - “All non-essential people please do not come to work”. Trudeau didn’t let the door hit his ass on the way out did he?! Now, I know, he is self-quarantined, taking care of his wife (are they still together? I heard rumour they weren’t) and attempting to learn to tie his own shoes and finally finishing reading Charlotte’s Web, but I think this is a little litmus test for how useless the little shit is.

OIL PRICES - someone grab Putin, Trump and Mohammad bin Salman by the balls and tell them to grow the fuck up. Stand aside, I’ll do it. It’s a big sandbox boys, we can all play. Why do women not rule the world? This shit would not happen, you know why? Because we don’t argue on who has the largest penis. 

CORONAVIRUS - I hate that my iPad recognizes this word before I’m done typing it. Please stop comparing it to the 1918 Pandemic. It is not the same. This is the flu, albeit a flu with a higher mortality rate - but only slightly. Lets put this in context - there are approximately 2,300 suicides A DAY, 90 people die A DAY in car accidents, 1,660 people die A DAY from cancer and approximately 50,000 people die a year from seasonal flu. So can we all settle down. Seriously. There will be deaths, which is awful for those families, but unfortunately that is a fact of life. This is not small pox, it’s the flu. Also - in the last 10 minutes there was 2,500 births so I think we’re okay. And while we are on this - vaccinate your fucking kids! And China - stop eating bats. Jesus fuck. 

THE STOCK MARKET - wow. Just wow. Everyone take a deep breathe.....now exhale..... Calm the fuck down. 

Really, that’s it. No, wait - one more thing. Wash your hands! Again, can’t believe it needs to be said but wash with soap and water. Wash well and wash often. Sneeze into you elbow or a Kleenex and then treat that Kleenex as though it’s radioactive. 

Sophie Trudeau is going to make it through. She is laying in bed right now with a cup of tea with honey in it, she has taken 2 Advil and she is browsing Tinder or Plenty of Fish to look for #2. God bless her and I forgive her for her poor choice the first time around but I think, we can all agree, she has a lot going for her and she will choose much more wisely with husband number 2. We are praying for a speedy recovery Soph!