We have a beautiful yard that includes 10,000 acres of lawn. It takes a solid 6 hours of mowing (okay, it takes Ryan 6 hours because he is a lawn ninja - it takes me 4 hours because I have the lawnmower on NASCAR setting). I have a love hate relationship with my lawnmower, it starts as soon as I back it out of the shed (which was built too close to the barbed wire fence - this stems from a long ago fight between Ryan and I when I said, “we are NOT too close to the property line. Build the shed here.” Once the shed was built I quickly realized that the lawnmower backs directly into the fence and Ryan was right. Whatever!) So the first part of mowing includes a 16 point turn to get the bloody machine out. Then I’m off.
I have two dogs that have toys, sticks, various bones from animals that I cannot even comprehend how they got them. I have had a dead beaver, a premature fawn (dead long before my dog awarded me with it), a prairie chicken, an entire hind end of a deer that was hit on the highway and always, always dead mice in various states of decay. So I prepare myself for the Discovery Channel of opportunities that await me. I’m half way through mowing before I remember that I forgot to put sunscreen on my face and I am going to have my Super Hero mask on (tanned face and glowing white circles around my eyes from my sunglasses). I also recently started mowing the ditch along the road- why not right? It does look great, but it also adds another hour... I have a technique for mowing over rocks in the ditch - I close my eyes and pray. It is 60% effective. It also reinforces what I already knew....God only listens to me 60% of the time. I was very happy to realize that the last time Ryan mowed he moved all of the rocks. This also reinforces what I already knew.....Ryan listens to me 65% of the time.
I also don’t know how, why or when this started but every time I mow, EVERYTIME, I sing songs from the Sound of Music. This actually applies to any time I am quiet, in any setting, on everyday of my life. I am not contemplating the meaning of life or calculating the interest we’ve paid on our mortgage (I do actually do this as well), I’m thinking, “What the fuck is the second verse of 16 Going on 17?!”
The other pet peeve I have is that if my lawnmower runs out of gas it is ALWAYS the furthest possible location from the Gerry can. And it is a well known fact that it cost $40 to fill up a Gerry can and it weighs 100 pounds full and I am destined to spill $8.00 on my lawn.
I also turn my head, sing What Do We Do With A Problem Like Maria as loud as I can a run over the already decapitated mice and pretend they weren’t there. I think I am assisting Mother Nature in biodegrading. Can we all go with that one?
Anyway, on to my second least favourite job.....cleaning the holiday trailer. 😖
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