June 11

 I have to acknowledge the 1 year anniversary of my blog. Yay me....but not really. I had unrealistic expectations where I was going to blog daily (😳) and I would be universally loved. Now realistically....if I have not offended at least 1 person to the extent that they would abandon me then I consider this a failure. I am one of the most abrasive, horrible people I know. I dislike 98% of the children I know, I would love to name names of the people that piss me off regularly (if you’re close to me you know the names but I am too scared of liability to actually put pen to paper) but maybe I can drop a letter regularly and if you’re smart enough you will know who I am talking about..... ickaronasha....or...pig...Latin......

Anyway, I would like to promise more, regular bogs but I can’t. I am lazy and scared of repeating myself. I have abandoned the idea of retiring on my snappy wit. Now I am afraid I am exposing my real personality- shallow and easily bored! 

As I reflect on my past year I would like to acknowledge some of my achievements and non-achievements...

Achievements: (total side note: my first failure would be spelling “achievements”. I butchered the spelling so baldly that my auto correct suggested “actual tsunami”....)

1. I have not killed anyone. Do not underestimate this achievement. It is substantial.
2. I watched 4 full Netflix series. In 4 nights. Not particularly busy nights...but still an achievement. BTW - I highly recommend Peaky Blinders. But with subtitles....
3. Still fat. Probably fatter than 365 days ago. Who are we kidding? Definitely.
4. A better person. Okay, wrong list.
5. More laugh lines than 1 year ago. Absolutely true. Whether I laugh at myself or you, I most definitely laugh.
6. Tried to be a better person...never mind...refer to #4.
7. Loved more. And stronger. Absolutely. Kim and Brian this is for you. I found a depth in myself that I didn’t know was there. I know I would do anything for you both. Except donate a kidney...or a part of my liver.....for obvious reasons.
8. Recognized the beauty in my left breast. I apologize profusely to this previously uncredited mammary. You, dear left tit, put the “Princess” in “Princess Stacy”.
9. Celebrated 26 years with my neglected, abused, extremely loud husband. I LOVE YOU RYAN (that is the tone I hear everyday)
10. Made people laugh. I love when people say that they read my blog and laugh. Honestly, life is too short and horrific not to laugh at the absurd, ridiculous things around you. And if those ridiculous, absurd things are me or my life then please laugh, God knows I do. 

Now for my Non-Achievements (I hesitate to call them “Failures”):

1. Not lost the 50 pounds that I had high hopes for. Nope, still there...actually the 50 I know and have come to love invited a few more pounds over to join the jiggly party I create every time I move. 
2. Stared doing yoga. Yoga-ing? Yogaling? Jesus, I’m not even sure of the terminology. I am not bendy. At all. And if I bend I probably fart. God I am sexy. 
3. Being sexy. Rolls, un-bendiness, snoring, constantly wearing sweats, unexpectant eyebrows on my chin, swearing like a sailor....Christ the list is long.....
4. Stopping swearing....shit...piss...fuck...damn....hell.....I cannot stop. Because people fucking piss me off every damn day! Shit! Hell! And you’re welcome for me refraining from using the worst one.... 
5. Found Jesus. The fucker might be hiding from me. Are we even sure he’s lost? I have watched a lot of America’s Most Wanted and never was Our Lord and Saviour mentioned. I think it is a conspiracy created by the NDP. 
6. Becoming a millionaire. Tried. Tried hard.
7. Becoming Prime Minister. Now, I think I’m actually bowing out of this race permanently. I’m still hopeful I can be Premier. I think I can...I think I can.....
8. Learning the word to the songs that I always sing. I think that my words are better...honestly who actually knows all the words to Me and Bobby McGee?! You fuckers know you fake some of them!
9. That’s it. I have to wrap it up at #9. I think that I set the bar pretty low so pretty much everything is considered a win. 

Just to let you know, I love you all and that you for listening to my blog, diary, secret inside thoughts. And please know at anytime, I will call upon you for an alibi.