July 6

Captain’s Log. Star date 070619. After our late interception with Enterprise Firebird and a lovely supper at a Greek Restaurant we prepare for our return flight. Load the car and head west - in search of privately owned liquor stores, smooth highways and mountains. 

Again a side note: not only are Manitoba and Ontario not radar detector friendly provinces they also have provincially owned liquor stores. I didn’t even know that they still existed. I was transported back to pre-Ralph days when we still had the ALCB, when your choice of liquor was seriously reduced after 6:00. That is some sort  of medieval control. Both bumped down in the list. I think I am currently rating them: Alberta, B.C.(love the province hate the politics), Saskatchewan (I love this crazy province- like Alberta’s tough brother that will beat up other provinces that pick on Alberta- BC take note, Saskatchewan can kick your ass), Newfoundland (any province that gave is Richard gets a free pass), Nova Scotia (Dennis Grandy came from this gem so it has to be a pretty spectacular province), Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut (I recently read Prisoners of the North and I’m a fan), PEI, New Brunswick, Manitoba and Ontario. That’s it. 

Anyway back to our adventure. Darren and Jen have travelled for 3 days and still haven’t left Ontario. So we’re leaving Ontario laughing about their crazy moose signs  and then Jen yelled, “Moose, moose!!” Standing on the very edge of the road was a moose that was considering being a hood ornament for the F350. I thought it would be pretty cool of we drive into Rocky with the car on the trailer and a moose strapped over the hood of the car but I got a hard no from Fuzz. As we carry on the moose on the side of the road are incredible. We saw 6 moose in 100 kilometres. 

The boys are switching driving duties every tank of fuel. Us girls are trying to hold off pee breaks until every refill but it is near impossible. Stopped drinking beer and switch to white wine thinking it would help - it doesn’t. 

Making great time and enjoying the company and then Jen and I decided we should call ahead to Regina to book rooms.....Regina is having some crazy shit going on and is not interested in our patronage. Moose Jaw? No. Okay shit is getting real. I know how Mary and Joesph felt! There was no room at the inn. Desperately changing travel plans to accommodate our absolute need to get the fuck out of the truck and find a comfortable bed. Yorktown? Yes!! Slight northern detour and away we going to Yorktown. Yorktown - the town that is so friendly they have no password for hotel wifi. That’s not the official town slogan but it is a great option. 

Had supper at Brown’s and cheers to breakfast in Ontario, lunch in Manitoba and supper in Saskatchewan. We try really hard to honour Eric Church by celebrating every July Saturday night but we couldn’t. We were exhausted. It was a slight consolidation that if we were still on Ontario time it was midnight when we shut it down. 

July 5

Captain’s Log. Star date 070519. Saskatchewan appears to be far more hospitable than originally anticipated. Unfortunately I forgot it is summer (honest mistake considering Alberta has seen 5,000 mm of rain and 7 minutes of sunshine in June) and I packed no shorts! So I’m sitting in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt in the Enterprise Apollo sweating my ass off (please refer to earlier log about the temperature in the cab). There is actually a/c but Captain is attempting to limit fuel refills to maximize driving time. He was bold enough to declare that, “a good wife would climb out the back window and refill the truck from the slip tank while we are driving” So I am officially admitting I am NOT a good wife. I do see through his thinly veiled attempt to knock me off and get a newer Navigator circa 1980 - 1985. 

While departing Regina during a particularly rough exit we did lose a clearance light from the Ent. Apollo- I can only hope it is not essential for our landing in Thunder Bay. Actually, I also hope it’s the only piece we lose off our chariot. Note to self: purchase duct tape at next fuelling station.

So as the navigator I am attempting solve an equation: If a Firebird leaves Sudbury doing 90 kms/hr and has a headwind of 13 kms/hr and an F350 leaves Regina doing 117 kms/hr with a 20 km/hr tailwind - where will they meet? My Grade 9 thru 12 math is going to pay off! Now I just need to find a triangle and figure out some angles and then trigonometry paid for itself. 

We also had a three legged coyote pass in front of us. WTF?! Saskatchewan has tough coyotes! I have my own coyote story I’ll share in a future blog but suffice it to say I would never chase a coyote in Sorels, in up the bum underwear and a fire poker in February in Saskatchewan . ‘Nuff said. 

So Ryan and I lost our Manitoba virginity together. No Alex. 😒. But I hear that we later may be joined by his cousin Mr. Miller.... One of the first things that confronted us was a large sign stating Radar Detectors Are Illegal In Manitoba. Manitoba is quite bossy. 

We also passed a JimBob truck hauling bridges. I rolled down the window

and gave him a big wave and he read the Apollo sign on the door and gave us a honk. Fuck Rocky is friendly. If anyone knows who he is could you ask him to keep a watch on the highway for clearance lights. (Sorry - a complete side note: I’m typing while we are racing down the highway avoiding semi’s and various farm equipment and I typed “clearance” wrong and my iPad auto corrected to “clearly ailing tsunamis “ so now I need to google tsunami illnesses) 

Nearing hour 12..... still going without calling a divorce lawyer. 

Manitoba roads are atrocious. They are a patchwork of pavement, concrete and NDP dreams. I had to google it - Manitoba has an NDP government *eye roll* that is so March. Didn’t they get the memo? Another reason Manitoba has been shuffled towards the bottom of my provincial hierarchy. They are even behind Ontario (Doug Ford, you crazy bastard, you made the difference for me). Anyway we entered Ontario and suddenly we are inundated with rules:

1. Still illegal to have radar detector so now we are only using our adara etectorda ( for those of you who unfamiliar with pig Latin that’s radar detector) anyway but we are only using it for GPS. But when the “GPS” flashes we do slow down. Unfortunately we are in the Enterprise Apollo not the Millennium Falcon and we are unable to reach 0.5 faster than light speed. 
2. Immediately the speed limit goes from 110 km/hr to 90 km/hr. Okay, I think we are maybe overreacting. You deny the radar detector AND THEN CHALLENGE US TO DRIVE 90?! I think not Ontario- Sammy Hagar and Ryan Ingham don’t drive 55. The only speeders on the road are from Alberta. We pull up beside them and we both look at each other like the brothers Doug and Steve Butabi from Night at the Roxbury - “Are you speeding? No, you want me to? Okay follow me”.
3. And now you take us from 4 lanes to 2 lanes?! Oh, Ontario you saucy bitch. If Manitoba voted further right you’d be shuffled lower in the pile.
4. AND THEN I SEE THIS!!

They have a angry fucking moose called “ Night Danger” Fucking rights we are speeding! I thought the coyote was tough!

OMG, hour 13.5 and we saw Night Danger!! (I did call him Night Ranger but Ryan corrected me.....and then we listened to Sister Christian). So if we get stopped I feel vindicated and I can tell Officer Ontario that our decision to speed in order to not be killed by Night Danger/Night Ranger is completely justified. Should work. 

We made it! We drove 1,306 kilometres in 13.5 hours....through road construction, 90 kilometre speed limits, farm equipment and bloody Manitoba highways. We liked it so much we are going back tomorrow. 

July 4

Captain’s Log. Star date 070419. Deep Space Station Williams has issued a priority one call. More than an emergency, it signals near or total disaster (or potential disaster). We can only assume the Williams have departed Toronto in the Enterprise Firebird as we plan to intercept them in the Enterprise Apollo F350. 

In the Enterprise Apollo for 1 hour and 13 minutes and the Captain and the Navigator are fighting about the music. And the flight path. And the temperature in the cab. So pretty fucking standard. I lost the music fight - no more Reba now it’s Led Zeppelin, won the route - Kindersley not Medicine Hat and the heat in the cab is a draw - it is either +30 or +6 in here! 

Also, in all my worldly travels I have never driven further east, in Canada, than Stettler. Yep, I’m a Saskatchewan virgin. 

East of Olds we picked up our first passenger. Alexander Keith. I like him. 

Saskatchewan virginity lost. Alex and I like Saskatchewan. Unfortunately the combination of Alexander Keith’s and Saskatchewan’s rough translation of paved roads means I need to pee! Captain is not impressed with his navigator’s over active bladder and A.K. and I have been split up. Captain appears to be an asshole. 

150 kms out of Regina and suddenly the Captain’s attitude has changed. Navigator has been promoted to Co-Captain. First Mate? Not sure of the new title but the Captain switched seats with me and immediately started snoring. Rude. But being the new Captain, navigator and Entertainment Director means that Led Zepplin can sit the fuck down. Reba! You’re up! 

Arrived safely in Regina at 11:20. 918 kilometres under our belt. ALSO - the rain stopped at Kindersley! Exotic, tropical Kindersley! Albertans pack your bags! Saskatchewan is hogging summer.