June 20

So today – June 20 – the day before summer in the rest of the world – this is what I am dealing with at Strachan – A BLZZARD! Now I take full responsibility for this because I did two things that I know was akin to giving Mother Nature the middle finger ; I took my winter tires off and I put away the snow shovel. I am sorry. I know better.

But this led me to think of other things I never want to hear:

1.       I recently went to the gynecologist for an oil change and a tire rotation (really it sounds better than what I actually went there for) but the doctor asked me some questions that flustered me. Of course the obligatory, “How many drinks do you have in a week?” I, of course, said one a night. Now I will take some liberty with this question – one glass? One bottle? And really, if you average out EVERYDAY of my life I think that I am being generous when I say one drink a day. So I think I have that one covered. She also asked me, “Has anyone in your family died of cancer?” I said – with confidence – no. Nope. No one. When I was leaving the clinic I remembered – oh ya – MY DAD!!! MY DAD  DIED OF CANCER!!!! How can I overlook this one little detail? Also (and finally) the gynecologist would not say the word “vagina”. She is a vagina doctor and is obviously not comfortable with the word. I think that more people should be comfortable with the word – I am going to use it 10 times today in a sentence. If I was a gynecologist I would call myself a Vagina Doctor because it is MUCH easier to spell than gynecologist (that counts as 1 of my 10).

2.       I never want to hear Ryan turn to me when we are sitting in the side by side and say, “Do you think we can make it?” Now this question is always before we have to climb some God-awful hill or cross a nasty looking muskeg. NO I DON’T THINK WE CAN MAKE IT! TAKE ME HOME. I find as I am getting older I have a greater level of fear and a growing adversity for being cold, wet and/or muddy.

3.       I never want to hear, “Justin Trudeau has been reelected as Canada’s Prime Minister”. I think there is a few hundred thousand that will agree with me on this one.

4.       I never want to hear Dekker say, “I’m buying a street bike” . I actually have heard this and then I heard it when he drove it home and I hear it when he leaves. I actually hear it until he gets to Cow Lake which is about 15 kms away!!!

5.       Lastly (but not leastly) I never want to hear, “Huntsman Spider Devours Possum”. Again, I did hear this!! And just like that I am enjoying our late June snowfall. I am going to get out my snow shovel and shovel with glee. I will make a snow man, actually she will be a snow woman because she will have a vagina (2 down 8 to go).

 

  

June 18

I have to share a dream that I had the other night – it is blog worthy.

So in this dream I am standing in a formal waiting area. It has a very plush soft yellow carpet, round walls that are painted a light yellow. It is sparsely furnished – only a highly polished side table that has a huge bouquet of flowers on it. Also in the room is Brian Walisser. We are standing a few feet apart and waiting silently. (I have to do a quick side note to introduce my friend  Brian to anyone who does not know him -  he is hilarious, and witty and, unfortunately, currently sporting a beard that would make any sasquatch insanely jealous.  Although he is all of the above he is also one of the most neurotic people I know – but that too just endears him to me…..and his eventual therapist)

Anyway, Brian are waiting in this waiting room in complete silence. There is a formal, ceremonious atmosphere in the room. Two large oak doors open and who walks in? Queen Elizabeth the Second, Prince William and Kate and….. the Pope! Yes the Pope – The Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church and there he is in full regalia with the Queen sporting her tiara but BRIAN AND I ARE NOT SURPRISED!  Nope just chillin’ with our homies – the QE2 and her eventual successor and his wife and the man that has God’s ear.

And what does Brian do? He starts chasing the Pope around the room trying to tickle him. And the Pope is running around giggling.  I mentioned that the room is sparsely furnished and circular? They are running around the room dodging the 93 year old monarch. I AM SO MAD AT HIM!! I am trying to catch his eye to give him the, “Are you fucking serious!!” look but he is too busy playing tag with the pontiff to pay any attention to my stink eye. Kate, bless her soul, gives me the “What Can you Do?” look…..

I am so mad but I find myself unable to walk or talk. Why you ask? Because my dress is so fucking tight and my heels are too high and I AM SUCKING IN MY BELLY!!! Of course I am sucking in my belly! I am standing beside the 106 pound Duchess of Cambridge who is wearing size double bloody zero and 4” heels!! You know that dream when you are standing on the tracks and there is an oncoming train and you can’t move? Well that was me – standing in a circular room pissed off at Brian and unable to walk or talk!

So this had lead me to some investigating because there has to be 100 untold messages in this dream:

1.       Was there going to be some announcement about the Church of England and the Catholic Church reuniting? And why, in the name of God would I be there if that was the case? Would I get to voice my opinion on religion? Maybe offer an alternative? Maybe cough during the announcement and mumble “Bullshit” while the process was happening?

2.       Why do Brian and the Pope have such a close relationship? Does Brian have something on him? Can we crack the Catholic code?

3.       If I was going in public beside Kate why would I not invest in the World’s Greatest Spanx? I have seen the magical girdle that they show on Facebook (okay, maybe not on your Facebook ads but definitely on mine!)Why would I not have a quick lipo surgery before the big day? Maybe forgo wings and beer for a couple weeks? Do I lack that much self-control? Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes I do.

4.       I did research dreams about the Pope on a highly regarded website  – only “highly regarded” because it was the first website on my search engine…..Any way dreams about the Pope may indicate, “To see a pope in your dream represents your spiritual guidance, beliefs, and spiritual self. The dream serves to be an inspiration. Alternatively, it may indicate your own self-righteousness, narrow-mindedness, and holier-than-thou attitudes.” Now, in all seriousness, if I had to describe myself in 10 words or less it would be: Self-righteous, narrow-minded and holier than thou. So I think we nailed that one on the head. However, ironically those are the same words I would use to describe the Catholic Church as well......

5.Maybe a giggling Pope means something else?  Not a lot to offer on the internet about a giggling Pope.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my inner mind remains a mystery. And I learned my lesson – when I meet the Queen I will not take Walisser with me.