1. Hallowe’en. I hated it when I was young, I hated it when my kids were young and I hate it now. I did like Halloween caberet’s at Hardendell Hall. Is it Hardendell or Hardindell Hall? Fuck! This would be a question I would ask my dad!
2. Valentines Day. Seriously. Why do we need a day to acknowledge the many ways our husbands do not recognize us?! Let’s have a day that they forget about us and we have to know they know we know they don’t give a shit about this day!
3. New Years Eve! I don’t like hugging and kissing people wishing them happy New Year. I don’t like people. I don’t like being excited about a new year I don’t like being sad a year is over. I don’t like New Years!
But here we are. So instead of making my own resolutions I’m going to make the for other people. Here goes:
1. Darren Williams. Well this is easy. He can only improve. There is no way back. Be a better person. To grow 2 inches. To accept all of Jen’s friends. To not curl his little lips. To stop braiding his armpit hairs. To let us share his data. To not yell at his kids when their party lasts longer than ours. To be more hospitable. To be more nice - even the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes for fuck sakes!
2. Tyler - take your meds you crazy little fucker.
3. Ryan - to consolidate your multiple personalities into a whole person
4. Brian - be able to wiggle your toes. Baby steps. And learn to love your inner vagina - we love you as “one of the girls”
5. Jen - stop falling asleep at 9:30 on New Years Eve. Pace yourself.
6. Kim - live life. Love lots and be okay. We love everything about you. Be you.
7. Shorty - put your fucking Christmas tree in the right place!
8. Callie - no more dogs and keep this boy - we like him.
9. Jord - my Captain. Keep your Zappleton close and always listen to my bedtime stories.
10. Darian - deer strike. You know what I mean.
11. Dekker - shave. Maybe a hair cut.
12. Dennis Grandy - please don’t retire. Rethink your decisions.
13. Tammy Burke - aka “ The Mayor” - consider allowing Brian and I to write your speeches
14. Braunski - shave that god awful moustache
15. Tracy - to lay off the gym.... and stop fucking crying!
16. Trena - get a nanny......for Newf
17. Newf - lay off the gym......and stop fucking crying
18. Travis - deliver 3 random Burger Baron meals to Jen and I throughout 2019
19. Cam - breathe deep, go slow and drain all the water out of Sea World
20. Merrily - move back to Rocky
21. Michael - put a ring on it!!! And keep your bagpipes on you at all times!
21. Michael - put a ring on it!!! And keep your bagpipes on you at all times!
22. Brenda - go clothes shopping for Pete
23. Pearl - listen to Stacy sing for an hour every week
24. Stacy - keep on keeping on. Blog more. Gain 5 pounds to finally reach your goal weight. Stretch more. Paint my toe nails monthly. Reach my toe nails. Give Tyler his meds.
So I think we can all agree that 2019 is looking good.
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