December 31

So, firstly, Happy New Year. Now I have to tell you about holidays I hate:

1. Hallowe’en. I hated it when I was young, I hated it when my kids were young and I hate it now. I did like Halloween caberet’s at Hardendell Hall. Is it Hardendell or Hardindell Hall? Fuck! This would be a question I would ask my dad! 

2. Valentines Day. Seriously. Why do we need a day to acknowledge the many ways our husbands do not recognize us?! Let’s have a day that they forget about us and we have to know they know we know they don’t give a shit about this day! 

3. New Years Eve! I don’t like hugging and kissing people wishing them happy New Year. I don’t like people. I don’t like being excited about a new year I don’t like being sad a year is over. I don’t like New Years! 

But here we are. So instead of making my own resolutions I’m going to make the for other people. Here goes: 

1. Darren Williams. Well this is easy. He can only improve. There is no way back. Be a better person. To grow 2 inches. To accept all of Jen’s friends. To not curl his little lips. To stop braiding his armpit hairs. To let us share his data. To not yell at his kids when their party lasts longer than ours. To be more hospitable. To be more nice - even the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes for fuck sakes! 

2. Tyler - take your meds you crazy little fucker.

3. Ryan - to consolidate your multiple personalities into a whole person 

4. Brian - be able to wiggle your toes. Baby steps. And learn to love your inner vagina - we love you as “one of the girls” 

5. Jen - stop falling asleep at 9:30 on New Years Eve. Pace yourself.

6. Kim - live life. Love lots and be okay. We love everything about you. Be you. 

7. Shorty - put your fucking Christmas tree in the right place!

8. Callie - no more dogs and keep this boy - we like him.

9. Jord - my Captain. Keep your Zappleton close and always listen to my bedtime stories.

10. Darian - deer strike. You know what I mean.

11. Dekker - shave. Maybe a hair cut. 

12. Dennis Grandy - please don’t retire. Rethink your decisions.

13. Tammy Burke - aka “ The Mayor” - consider allowing Brian and I to write your speeches 

14. Braunski - shave that god awful moustache 

15. Tracy - to lay off the gym.... and stop fucking crying! 

16. Trena - get a nanny......for Newf

17. Newf - lay off the gym......and stop fucking crying 

18. Travis - deliver 3 random Burger Baron meals to Jen and I throughout 2019

19. Cam - breathe deep, go slow and drain all the water out of Sea World

20. Merrily - move back to Rocky
21. Michael - put a ring on it!!! And keep your bagpipes on you at all times! 

22. Brenda - go clothes shopping for Pete

23. Pearl - listen to Stacy sing for an hour every week

24. Stacy - keep on keeping on. Blog more. Gain 5 pounds to finally reach your goal weight. Stretch more. Paint my toe nails monthly. Reach my toe nails. Give Tyler his meds. 

So I think we can all agree that 2019 is looking good. 

December 18

Oh my Lord! Every time I look at Facebook it is anger - Yellow Vests, Trudeau, Notley, Bighorn Propsal, Oil Prices, Trump, Putin, France, Brexit - please Lord Jesus in your manger surrounded by sheep and goats and allegid “wise men” I wave the white flag (sorry if I offended- light coloured flag), I call a temporary truce. It is Christmas. Let’s be merry and bright. (In honour of my momma - Let’s be Mary and bright!😘) I would like to acknowledge 10 things I am grateful for this year:

1. Ryan. I love you and am constantly amazed by your patience in me. Seriously, 80% of the time I am not that crazy about me. I love you and have for 30+ years. You make me laugh, and cry, and pull my hair out but I would not want to do this crazy fucking adventure without you.

2. Global warming. Fuck y’all if it means not -40 degrees I’m in! 

3. Trump. Now just listen, I think the fucker is certifiable but he is entertaining. I would love to see him bitch slap Trudeau - that UN loving, pipeline hating, Quebec worshipping, Bollywood imitating, publicity whoring mother fucker - but make no mistake, I think Trump is 2 degrees short of sane but at the same time, he is the most honestly self serving politician I can remember- which makes him the most honest politician holding office. 

4. My friends. The list is long. Trena, Jen, Brian, Kim, Shorty, Callie, Momsie, Becky....okay the list isn’t THAT long but bitches - I love you. You make me laugh. You counsel. You plot. You cry. You think of alibis. You help me spend the imaginary lottery. I love you all. To the moon and back.

5. Scotland. Roy, Sher, Pam and Mike. I cannot put into words seeing you again. It was everything I hoped, imagined and expected. You welcomed my family, you welcomed me and you honoured my dad. I love you all more than you will ever know. I count the minutes until I can see you again. I was so proud to share you with my kids.

6. Keyera. I spend most of the time with my work family. You are pretty great. I am usually laughing with you.....or at you. 

7. My crazy brain. I know I have heard lots of people comment on my blog but I really is the best outlet for my insanity. It is therapeutic. It is an outlet. I recommend all to do this. Even if no one reads it, I promise, it will make you feel better.

8. Micheal - you are my 3rd child. You are such a welcome addition to our family and have been from the first moment we met you. You possess a graciousness that I would love to possesss. Please let me sing back up in your band. 

9. My melodious voice. Although no one appreciates you as much as I do, I think you are wonderful. I think Freddie Mercury and Prince died not appreciating the 3rd wonder of the musical world - your range and abilities. No one sings Paradise By The Dashboard Light like you. Okay, maybe Meatloaf but you are a close second. I share dub you “Meatball”.

10. Obviously my kids - you gave me grey hairs, substantially decreased my bank account, made me laugh, stress me out and made me incredibly proud. Dekker travelling the world with more facial hair than Jesus Christ himself and Darian, who is part mermaid and can live in a hot tub for 12 hours - I love you both and expect you to take care of me in my old age in a manner I have become accustomed to.

Honourable mentions:

Don and Marilyn - I cannot express the pleasure I get in my toilet paper being folded like a 5 star resort.

Martini Thursday- I need not quantify why you are my favourite day of the week.

Jord - because you are Jord.

Cam - because you love my dog as much as I do.

Jocelyn - just because. Please visit more.

Darren - for letting us celebrate Martini Thursday 5 days a week at your house

Darren - for not being home 5 days a week

Dennis Grandy - you would have made top 10 but you are retiring and I cannot yet process what this means to my life.