Well life lesson - my iPad is now my moral compass. Obviously my iPad is trying to steer me clear of hard drugs but it has no problem with me doing recreational drugs. It also, apparently, has no issues with hermaphrodites. Intersesting. I already know that no matter how many times I spell “fuck”it still prefers “duck”. Well I’m sorry iPad but I am the creator my own fucking (not ducking or rucking) destiny!!! But we are on the same page about coccaine and meth.....
Anyway back to my shopping addiction.... My iPad may have issues with drugs and swearing but it is also the tool with which I online shop. It’s all about helping me then. It is my personal assistant then. I start to spell Ana......and immediately up pops Anastacia. Then Rock.....and there is magically appears.....Rocky Mountain House!! It is enabling my addiction. Almost encouraging....
I’m casually browsing Facebook (definition: stalking everyone) and up pops an ad for the fucking cutest blouse I have ever seen. I cannot comprehend how I have existed without owning this shirt! I see myself wearing it at work, walking hand in hand with Ryan down the beach, bicycle riding for bagels in it (my imagination is incredibly active...actually, in my imagination I’M incredibly active). Then I buy the aforementioned blouse, which I discover is priced in U.S. dollars, plus shipping and handling which is twice the price of the shirt and I finally get it, delivered to Brian Walisser at Oras Communications, your friendly Purolator delivery location (Brian - that is $20 for the advertising) and the goddamn thing is too small, linen - which everyone knows makes you look like a wrinkled homeless person! And the cheapest piece of clothing that a 6 year old Tiawanese child has ever made! Oh the humanity. Now you are pot committed to the shitty shirt you KNOW you will never walk down the beach wearing because you belly roll sticks out the bottom, your back fat where your bra strap is is visible from 100 feet away and there now is red wine spilt down the front because you needed a drink to calm yourself down, but the fucking sleeves are so tight you can’t get the glass to your mouth so you just attempt to toss wine in the general direction of your mouth. I mean not that it has ever happened to me, just that I could happen. You know, in the off chance I, potentially made a bad purchase.
Also - the models. Please bitches, gain some weight. Like 40 pounds. I would love to go a site and see women with a spare tire modeling a tank top. Back fat in a dress. A sleeveless dress worn with arm wings - you know - when you stop waving at someone but the saggy part of your arm keeps waving. A shoe model with cankles. If I went to the Aritzia site and there were women there that were 170 pounds modeling pants that advertised a forgiving waste band that ensured your belly would not over-power the waste line and poke out overtop - I would buy a pair in every colour. I have completely stopped shopping at Lulu. They sell lies and deceit. No one that skinny smiles that much. There mouths smile but their eyes say, “I want bacon and a beer”.
My clothing choice now begins with:
My clothing choice now begins with:
- Can I sleep in that?
- Will it hide stains?
- Do I have to EVER iron it?
- Can I wear it to work/camping/golf/to a wedding?
- Can I bend over in it?
- Does Jen already own it in a smaller size (skinny bitch - I hate it when we wear the same outfit - it’s like the “Before” and “After” picture.....)
- Will it cover my belly/bum and still look chic and stylish?
Anyway, that’s it - I’m thinking that mumu’s could be an option. Fuck sakes! My phone does not recognize “mumu”!
