Since I did not officially declare my New Years Resolutions I’ve decided to begin my resolutions on the eve of my next trip around the sun. I’ve tested my impending resolutions for the last 3 1/2 months - almost a “soft opening” of my resolutions.
1. Be a better golfer. Initiated this goal yesterday when Darian took me for lessons in Calgary. Firstly, having to carry my 38 pound golf bag the roughly 17 kilometres to our designated lesson area was in itself a testament to the lofty goal I have set. My goal bag, was acquired because of its ability to hold a case of beer, a change of clothes, a speaker, 3 pairs of socks, 42 golf balls, 3 cans of bug spray (2 of which do not work), a gallon of sunscreen (which I never put on) and, possibly, an empty wine bottle (don’t ask). This bag is meant to be carried from the vehicle directly to the golf cart…..by Ryan. We get to our journey’s end and meet Todd. The most serious golfer I have ever met. He is the real deal. He gives us a curt introduction and then we are down to business. He begins with the psychology of golf. He asks me, “What do you think of when you walk up to the ball?” I answer with complete sincerity, “On what hole will we meet the beer cart?” Darian did laugh. Todd did not. He then corrects me and says, “No. You should be thinking “Where is my ball going to land?””. I again answer, “Oh, I know that. 100% it’s in the water or bush”. Again, Stoney silence. So I buck up and start to follow his instructions. I quickly discovered I have been golfing incorrectly for 25 years. Everything is wrong. I hold my club wrong, address the ball wrong, swing wrong, feet placement wrong, back swing wrong, eye on the ball wrong, club wrong, the list was immeasurable. He made us “Swing. And. Hold”, “Swing. And. Hold” about 100 times. No ball, just “Swing. And. Hold”. I have to pause the story to give a bit of a back story before I continue, I last had a pedicure in, possibly, October? November? 1997? I cannot remember, but my feet are hideous….and I’m wearing Birk’s (I know, the ugliest shoes known to mankind). It has been so long since my last pedicure that the red nail polish now appears to be a French pedicure because there is only a strip of colour at the end of my leathery toes! I should have taken a picture to accompany this description but it would have to come with a disclaimer. Anyway, back to my lesson, 15 minutes in, when Todd is knee deep in my deficiencies, he asks, “Stacy? Do you usually wear sandals when you’re golfing?” Please understand his tone when he asked this question - it was dripping with disgust, condescension, condemnation and a slight tinge of revulsion. I was horrified and said that no, I do wear golf shoes (but honestly, they are golf sandals so my hobbit feet would still be on display) but it “was only lessons” so I didn’t think I needed them. That was the point when Todd abandoned me and solely focused on Darian. Later in the lesson, he had stopped us again to give another display of his magical swing, when a ball whizzed by Darian and I from an errant golfer whose swing was way worse than ours. I asked Todd (or “Toddy” as her referred to himself) - “Todd? Do you think the guy that just about killed us with that ball is wearing golf shoes?” Again, deafening silence. When the lesson wrapped up he asked to feedback, I assured him I would follow all of his tips but I would NOT be going to the driving range nor would I be incorporating practice swings into my golf game (when I told him that I do not do practice swings he almost had to sit down. I am going to emphasize that golf is not a “sport” for me, it is a hobby. A practice swing would evolve my game into a “sport” which I am not willing to do. 2 swings at a ball is dangerously close to exercise. Not falling for it Toddy!) But in all seriousness it was a lot of fun and most definitely picked up some tips, but also, full disclosure, I am so bloody sore today I cannot imagine picking up a golf club. We also left the lessons, went for a beer and THEN FOR PEDICURES! So I cannot show you the “before” picture of my feet because now they’re beautiful!
2. (I’m sure you have forgotten, but I am doing resolutions) Okay, number 2. Actively attempt to take ALL Kleenexes out of my pockets PRIOR to doing laundry. I do not know when this became such an issue in my house but Lord God it is a problem. It’s never, “Will there be Kleenex in the washer/dryer?” but, “How many Kleenexes will there be in the washer/dryer?!” And to be honest, it’s probably easier to improve my golf skills then achieve #2 on the list but the dream is still alive.
3. Have more patience. In general. I need to try harder. Or just try. I’m not sure how to achieve this because my frustration flying altitude is usually at a solid 70% pissed off. I think I roll my eyes more than any other human alive. I actually just rolled my eyes writing that. I try to hone my skills at Costco, probably not the best place to start. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, if there is ever a report on the evening news about a crazy shopper running over people with her cart, rest assured, it is me. I can be home alone and I even get frustrated with myself.
4. Wean myself from Instagram. My God, what a black hole. The worst part is I learn so much useless information - what chickadee call means, how to make Mexican street corn, the best stretch if my sciatic is bothering me, hikes in Panama that I’m for sure going to take, best sangria’s to make, best of Amazon leggings, houses to buy in Tuscany, new artists, deals on flights, new book to read, make up tips, kitchen hacks, how Karl’s surprise kitchen renovation is going, curling thin hair, animal rescues, best ratchet straps to buy, personalized coffee cups, people doing stupid things (usually in Yellowstone), plastic surgery fails, making the perfect poached egg, hockey fights, Excel tips. Honestly it’s hard to step away! I’m limiting myself to 3 hours a week. Pray for me. Also, I probably can’t enforce this until I see the final reveal of Karl’s kitchen renovation. I’m pretty heavily invested.
5. Lastly, more adventures. Ryan and I are re-dedicating ourselves to adventures. Big or little. Unfortunately, Moab is on hold until next year, but stay tuned, there will be more!
