July 7

I am the worst blogger ever, but in my defence, very little goes on in my life that is bloggable. Also, bloggable is not a word that my iPad understands. Anyway, in 75 days (but who is counting?) we go on an epic holiday (stayed tuned for future blogs) and I am trying to understand reels.

I have to have full disclosure- my major was I.T. Believe me when I say no one understands less about computers, computer programs, PRI’s, IP addresses, servers, mother fucking reels on Instagram than I do!! I am pathetic. I need to be on the top of my game for our holiday, so tonight I am doing some “light” research. I thought it was a great opportunity to share my findings.

So, I believe I did share it am an IT major, so I started my research…. I typed into the search bar (sorry, for all you non-techs types, I’ll take it slow…)

1. “How” - yep this was the beginning of my search. Immediately Google tries to help me. This was the responses:
1. How many weeks in the year? 
2. How many litres in a gallon?
3. How did Elvis die?

So…. Who the fuck does not know how many weeks in a year? Jesus?! I have it counted out from Jan 1st - Week 1 - lose 1.5 pounds, week 2 - 1 pound, Week 3 - 2 pounds… Honest to God, if I ever followed through I would be 98 pounds BY WEEK 52!!!! 52 weeks in a year! And spoiler alert - I GAINED 8 POUNDS BY WEEK 5!

How many litres in a gallon? Good question - 2.2 is always my answer (which, btw, drove my dad mental!) It is 2.2 pounds per kg. Litres in a gallon is, I think 4. We do this math when we go to the states to figure out how badly Canada is screwing us on fuel taxes, but I usually get sidetracked with how cheap the beer is and that you can buy it in the gas station.

How did Elvis die? How fucking young are people that ask this question?! If you ask the question you do not deserve to know the answer. Ugh! Fucking Millennials! 

K, back to the problem at hand - how to make a reel…. Continuing with my typing…

1. “How do” - okay, google again is trying to help…
1. How do I get monkey pox?
2. How does monkey pox spread?
3. How does the NHL draft work?

So, fucking monkey pox - are we really worried about this? Seriously! (On a complete side note - if you comment about Monkey Pox on this blog I will unfriend you). On a scale of 1 to 10 Monkey Pox scares me about 72. Shingles fucking scale me. Cold sores scare me. Yeast infections scare me! Grizzly bears scare me. My scale scares me.

How does monkey pox spread? I did not go down this rabbit hole - I can only assume licking a monkeys ass would spread the pox. I don’t need google to tell me that is a bad idea.

How does the NHL draft work. 100% legit question. That fucking question has kept me up at night. Thank you google for sharing with me other peoples confusion. And again, fuck you Millennials for making this the number 3 question.

Onwards and upwards….How do I make reel?

1. How do I contact Shaw by phone?
2. How do I pay CRA?
3. How do I take a screen shot?

I think I can safely say Shaw does NOT want to be contacted by phone. 

I think the CRA question was planted by the federal government. Pay online, mail it in or pay at the bank. Or say, Fuck you Trudeau, come and get it. But now that Trudeau has access to all personal comments I want the federal court of law to know that I am joking! But, in all seriousness, Trudeau - put your toes in the St. Lawerence and keep walking.

How do I take a screen shot? Aww, my people. Hold my hand, you little retards, pretty soon we are going to figure out how to make a reel….

1. “How do I make” - okay, here we go…
1. How do I make a payment to the CRA?
2. How do I make buttermilk?
3. How do I make you love me?

Those fuckers are relentless! Fuck off Trudeau - you gave out CERB - no one is paying you back!

One cup milk, one cup vinegar. Or better yet - BUY BUTTERMILK!

Man, this is getting deep. I am an IT major but I will dip my toes into this loaded question. You can’t make anyone love you. You get pregnant and trap them for life. For more true love questions contact me directly.

1. “How do I make a”
1. How do I make a payment to CRA?
2. How do I make an appointment to Canadian Passport?
3. How do I make a post shareable on Facebook?

Trudeau- you now appear needy and desperate. It is embarrassing. Just get someone pregnant so they love you. 

Everyone wants to get the hell out of Canada! Don’t go to the US - the octogenarian men have decided that women have no control over their bodies, don’t go to the Ukraine- Putin decided that no one has control over their bodies, don’t go to England - about to go through some political upheavals (please Lord Jesus, us next) - that leaves 191 other countries to choose from…

So, it is 11:20, I have to work tomorrow so I have to go to bed and now I need to investigate NHL drafts, shareable posts on Facebook and countries to immigrate to. If there are any millennials out there that want to help me make reels I will withhold derogatory comments until after our training session.