With 2020 looming I refuse to make any resolutions....or maybe I will make resolutions that are completely attainable. Like setting the bar quite low, embarrassingly low. So my 2020 resolutions are:
1. Gain 10 pounds. Why not? Everything I own is ridiculously tight already. Why not go the extra distance and buy an entirely new wardrobe? At Tent and Awning. Or really commit to mumu’s - I have flirted with the idea but why not own it?
2. Continue swearing like a sailor. I offend fairly easily, but fuck it. No one like a sanctimonious cunt.
3. Continue to judge freely and harshly. My pedestal is fairly shiny and high and I cling to it like a fucking spider monkey.
4. Institute Martini Thursday as a National Holiday.
5. Binge watch multiple searches of real crime shows on Netflix. This sedentary lifestyle will aid in my #1 goal. Really - win, win.
6. Continue to be the trophy wife that Ryan loves. He is so lucky and I remind him of this daily.
7. Continue to love my friends, even the skinny ones. Even the ones that are poor losers at King’s Cribbage. Even the ones that can’t be trusted at the Mayor’s house because she used toothpicks as weapons. Even the ones that are still busy raising children.
8. Continue to ignore my blog for months on end and still assume people will still read this bullshit.
9. Sing more often, and louder. And to Nana - she learn to appreciate my melodious voice. Michael and the Tambourines are going on the road. I will also continue to sing ALL the wrong words to ALL songs.
10. Break my incredible record for an 8 hour hot tub party. I think we may start today. I’m sure that Darren will be very supportive of our desire to eat chilli smokies in the hot tub. Maybe we can convince him to be our servant helper/bartender.
Here is to 2020. A healthy, prosperous year to all you motherfuckers! Much love 💗.
