January 2

Wrapping up the holiday. What a great vacation. So many laughs, no tears that I aware of. Wonderful weather and met very nice people (Except you Saskatchewan, you know who you are). So here is Mexico by numbers: 

- 4287 kms from Strachan (I know this because this is how far I am from Riggs’s air tag)

- 822 ice cubes made and consumed

- 166 bottles of beer bought at the grocery store (and consumed)

- 60 showers

- 42 eggs consumed for breakfast

- 38 stairs to the roof deck (climbed 6 bloody times a day!)

- 22 kgs of limes

- 22 rolls of toilet paper used (yep, true story)

- 20 loads of laundry completed 

- 12 sleeps

- 8 raccoons seen (none by me)

- 6 turtles seen (none by me)

- 5 five gallon litres of water consumed

- 5 barracuda’s. 1 black finned tuna, 2 red snappers, 1 Amberjack caught

- 4 cenotes swam in

- 4 bags of nachos and 3 jars of salsa consumed

- 2 lbs of cheese consumed (1.8 lbs consumed by Darian alone)

- 2 40’s of scotch, 2 40’s of whiskey, 2 26’s of gin, 1 40 of Smirnoff consumed

- 2 broken shot glasses

- roughly $258,874 pesos spent supporting the Mexican economy

- 1 very memorable holiday!

Thanks Darian, Mike, Dekker, Suzie and, of course, Big Daddy, Ryan. Thanks for a wonderful trip!

December 30

HEY GUYS!!! I am alive. It was touch and go for a few hours. I spoke directly to Jesus and Krishna and Zeus, and a quick shout out to all other deities, to ask them to spare me. I am pretty sure the God, Jenny Craig, heard my prayers because I can safely say I am down 10 pounds and the soberest I have ever been in Mexico. One of the wonderful waiters at the local Jungle Club asked me, in broken English, if I remember doing the shots on December 25. No Christopher, I do not remember. That was a different Stacy that lived in an easier time. That Stacy never worried about sneezing/pooping. This Stacy cannot hold down water let alone alcohol. Today is Day 4 and I finally feel like I might live. Unfortunately Ryan, Dekker and now Suzie have all come down with the same terrible malady. Suzie is still in the throws of her illness and I feel for her. 

Yesterday I did rally (Dekker was suffering the worst yesterday, he would come up from snorkelling to throw up) and we went on a catamaran tour for the day. It was amazing. Honestly, I should have married for money. What was I thinking?! There was a staff of 4 that were so amazing that we did not want to leave the boat. I will post pictures when I get them back, but honestly, worth every penny! They had fishing lines out and we caught a 30 pound black finned tuna that Kevin, the chef prepared sushimi with a soya sauce, onion concoction that I will live the rest of my life dreaming about. We have also christened Michael Mexican Uncle Gerry. He is the friendliest person and everyone meets him and immediately loves him. But that fucker has an ulterior motive - he is the only one that hasn’t gotten sick. Coincidence? I think not. I think he is taking the opportunity to make everyone love him more. It really is diabolical. 

This morning Mike, Dekker and Ryan were up at the crack of dawn, literally, they left the house when it was pitch dark to meet their fishing boat and went for a 4 hour fishing trip. It was wildly successful and Ryan is currently in the kitchen preparing barracuda that they caught. They caught red snapper, amberjack and 5 barracudas. They were very excited when they got back. Slower day today which was okay, because the boys were tired, the humidity was hovering at around 1000% and my belly and I came to a tentative agreement that I could leave the direct vicinity of a bathroom. 

Anyway, I think I need to go and help with supper - pictures to follow…..Also, huge shout out to Dekker - best margaritas ever!

December 26 - but really….

Well i have to be honest, this was a tame day by anyone’s standards. Ryan and I got up early and made a big batch of Grandma Jean’s spaghetti because “it will last for days”. Nope, we are currently scraping the bottom of the pot. But we had great intentions, it just didn’t match the appetites of the kids. I did mention we had a crazy rainstorm through the night, Darian had to go and check her shower because she thought someone was using it. Spoiler alert: this was the first of 375 trips that Darian was taking to the bathroom. She was suffering from a Class A hangover. In her own words, “I went pro too soon and I had a career ending injury” but I have faith in her resilience. She is nothing if not persistent. Well. Not today. But I have faith. 

Also, Dekker and Mike went snorkelling and current score is Caribbean 2: Dekker and Mike 0. They both got raked over the rocks pretty substantially. Dekker has coral embedded under his finger nails. We are eating jalapeños and he is feeling his injury at the moment. Mike did get some good pictures and, God love him, everything makes that kid happy. 

I also learned the importance of reading slowly and understanding what you are signing up for. I ordered groceries online. We are going through a lot of limes so I ordered another 22. Except I did not order 22 limes. I ordered 22 kgs of limes. I shit you not. I will attach a photo of our overabundance of limes. If you hear on the international news that there is a shortage of limes in Mexico, please know we are directly responsible. Sorry Mexico. We will be serving margaritas for the foreseeable future. 

So tonight will be an early night, we have a big day tomorrow so stay tuned for that one. Darian is going to stay out of the bathroom for at least 12 minutes and we will all be consuming 15 limes an hour. Please forward all lime drink recipes to us at your earliest convenience. I have also, temporarily, retired from cards. Michael, my favourite has taken me out 3 times . I had a twinge and ALMOST stopped loving him. So I thought the best thing would be is to leave the table, and re-evaluate. I am also attaching a picture of how bad Mike felt taking me out. I really do believe it was genuine. 

December 25

 Feliz Navidad!Weather this morning is overcast and muggy, very nice. What’s not nice- the cacophony of screeching birds that have taken up residence on our roof. They are beautiful, don’t get me wrong but if I had a slingshot or a rock or an AK47 this would be a different conversation. Nevertheless, we woke up in paradise….the kids are sleeping and we are enjoying a coffee and a game of crib. Yesterday was an adventure, off to the beach club (soon to be our favourite location) for ceviche and beer. We made our reservations for tonight- lobster and a band, it promises to be a great night. Then our lovely driver picked us up and off to the cenotes we go. Just getting settled into our drive and we take a right and we are there. Honestly, if I could throw a rock, hit a bird, it would fall at the cenote. Again, not condoning the killing of birds……Naturally our first stop was at the tequila bar, a shot, bought a bottle, Suzie and Darian bought hats and then to the cenotes. 4 of them and they were pretty cool also, considering it is Christmas Eve, it wasn’t that busy. 

I have to give a quick update on our bird situation, we now have a woodpecker, joyously pounding on the metal downspout on our neighbours deck. Really is music to the ears. We also have a resident squirrel, that is roughly the size of a chihuahua. He appears to be quite industrious and I believe may be building a semi-detached bungalow in the area with a fully stocked pantry. Ryan commented that he was big enough to run a Huskavarna. 

Back to the cenotes, again, lots of fun and they were followed by lunch. I can only assume it was delicious but we all covered the pulled pork tacos in enough hot sauce and jalapeños to kill and parasite they may be living in us. I fear for all of our mornings. This leads me to another concern - the shortage of toilet paper. Not currently an issue but if my jalapeño/hot sauce prediction comes to fruition then we could be Code Red. Stay tuned…

Anyway, home last night where we played poker until after midnight. Suzie is keeping a running total of what everyone owes because we are currently lacking change. Full disclosure, I owe everyone. I cannot win a bloody hand. So between poker, cenotes, tips, cervezas, tequila and drivers I am bleeding money. 

Okay, Merry Christmas everyone! My family has never been so excited to see a Christmas morning. Not because we are on vacation, or to unwrap gifts, nope. I promised them that as of Christmas Day we could listen to music other than Christmas music. That’s all they could talk about last night. So I took my last opportunity to saturate the air with Michael Buble, Celion Dion, Mariah Carey, Burl Ives and Boney M all night. Might sneak a couple more in today. 

(Temporary Backup) Merry Christmas Eve!

Well, after much discussion, planning and some passive aggressive arguing, we made it to our 1st Annual Christmas Vacation. Ryan and I decided earlier this year that if there are no grandchildren in our immediate (or long term apparently) futures then we are planning trips over the holidays and the kids can come with or they can make their own plans. Funny, when you book a house in Mexico OUR Christmas plans quickly become THEIR Christmas plans! 

So we have counted down the days, shopped, packed and coordinated schedules and quickly the day arrived. The entire airport rigamarole process was amazingly trouble free, which is unusual for me. Guaranteed I am the one that gets pulled aside and searched. I think it is racial profiling - chubby, middle aged white girl - most dangerous predator on Earth. Highly underrated. Well, some weight loss and I slipped right under the radar. Now they thought, “Skinny and stunningly beautiful (minus the bags under her eyes, grey hair, 1fucking annoying chin hair, slight limp (bad knee - I’ll cover that in a minute) this specimen of perfection could never smuggle a raccoon into Mexico”. Also, I was with Dekker and I was sure if security had a choice between me and Dekker they would take him. We also had to run the gauntlet of drug dogs and I would lie if I didn’t consider they would find something…..Darian…… But successful! Also, air travel with Darian is akin to tip toeing through a field of land mines - could be pain free or could be catastrophic, it all depends on her mixture of alcohol and Adavan, a balance she is perfecting. Also, booking a seat far away from her in case she has a mid-flight meltdown. Sorry Mike, she’s your problem now. But she nailed it, got on the plane, popped 2 pills, put her headphones on, eye mask on and promptly passed out. Mike said she woke up enough to eat half a sandwich and passed out again. Winning! Ryan and I did sit down directly behind the stinkiest man on the plane - a heady mixture of sweat, rotting meat, grease and a je ne sais quoi that we could not identify. Headphones fix the cry of children but there is no quick cure for a 5 hour assault to our olfactory organ. Anyway, back to our successful travel day. Landed in Mexico and had to wait an hour for our luggage. I have an incredible fear of lost luggage. It is the reason I am applying for a Handicap sticker for my vehicle. I am not sure if it is a recognized phobia but I am christening it Lostpackagephobia. It also applies to my Amazon packages. Anyway, got it, thank God because I have 16 new outfits in there. 

We then headed for our ride, I surprised everyone with a limo. But, full disclosure, it was the only company in Cancun that would do a grocery pit stop for us, so it wasn’t really a treat, it was a necessity. But the look on everyone’s faces was totally worth it. Ryan was concerned that our ride would not have enough room for the 6 of us, our luggage and groceries. I reassured him we would be fine. Well a 14 person limo, our luggage and $8,500 worth of groceries and we filled that bad boy right up. I love Mexican grocery stores - you want to buy a motorcycle? A washing machine? Limes? Local grocery store has it all. This sucker was 14 meters long, and Jorge backed it up about 1.5kms to our condo. He also did a 12 point turn on the returno that caused a little stress but we are here! 

Now I have to quickly talk about my knee. I have never had knee problems but suddenly my left knee has made a conscious decision to ache like a mofo. I wasn’t limping so much as I was dragging it behind me. Micheal had the audacity to suggest I might be suffering from gout. Gout! Michael! I would never! I have popped a couple Advil and magically it disappeared….for 22 minutes and was back with a vengeance. Quick update: I cured gout, pain free today. 

Anyway, signing off for the day - cenote tour today. Pray for my knees, the power of my tweezers against the chin hair superpowers and my ability to manage my family. 

Another trip around the sun…

So time for my semi-annual blog….

Since I did not officially declare my New Years Resolutions I’ve decided to begin my resolutions on the eve of my next trip around the sun. I’ve tested my impending resolutions for the last 3 1/2 months - almost a “soft opening” of my resolutions. 

1. Be a better golfer. Initiated this goal yesterday when Darian took me for lessons in Calgary. Firstly, having to carry my 38 pound golf bag the roughly 17 kilometres to our designated lesson area was in itself a testament to the lofty goal I have set. My goal bag, was acquired because of its ability to hold a case of beer, a change of clothes, a speaker, 3 pairs of socks, 42 golf balls, 3 cans of bug spray (2 of which do not work), a gallon of sunscreen (which I never put on) and, possibly, an empty wine bottle (don’t ask). This bag is meant to be carried from the vehicle directly to the golf cart…..by Ryan. We get to our journey’s end and meet Todd. The most serious golfer I have ever met. He is the real deal. He gives us a curt introduction and then we are down to business. He begins with the psychology of golf. He asks me, “What do you think of when you walk up to the ball?” I answer with complete sincerity, “On what hole will we meet the beer cart?” Darian did laugh. Todd did not. He then corrects me and says, “No. You should be thinking “Where is my ball going to land?””. I again answer, “Oh, I know that. 100% it’s in the water or bush”. Again, Stoney silence. So I buck up and start to follow his instructions. I quickly discovered I have been golfing incorrectly for 25 years. Everything is wrong. I hold my club wrong, address the ball wrong, swing wrong, feet placement wrong, back swing wrong, eye on the ball wrong, club wrong, the list was immeasurable. He made us “Swing. And. Hold”, “Swing. And. Hold” about 100 times. No ball, just “Swing. And. Hold”. I have to pause the story to give a bit of a back story before I continue, I last had a pedicure in, possibly, October? November? 1997? I cannot remember, but my feet are hideous….and I’m wearing Birk’s (I know, the ugliest shoes known to mankind). It has been so long since my last pedicure that the red nail polish now appears to be a French pedicure because there is only a strip of colour at the end of my leathery toes! I should have taken a picture to accompany this description but it would have to come with a disclaimer. Anyway, back to my lesson, 15 minutes in, when Todd is knee deep in my deficiencies, he asks, “Stacy? Do you usually wear sandals when you’re golfing?” Please understand his tone when he asked this question - it was dripping with disgust, condescension, condemnation and a slight tinge of revulsion. I was horrified and said that no, I do wear golf shoes (but honestly, they are golf sandals so my hobbit feet would still be on display) but it “was only lessons” so I didn’t think I needed them. That was the point when Todd abandoned me and solely focused on Darian. Later in the lesson, he had stopped us again to give another display of his magical swing, when a ball whizzed by Darian and I from an errant golfer whose swing was way worse than ours. I asked Todd (or “Toddy” as her referred to himself) - “Todd? Do you think the guy that just about killed us with that ball is wearing golf shoes?” Again, deafening silence. When the lesson wrapped up he asked to feedback, I assured him I would follow all of his tips but I would NOT be going to the driving range nor would I be incorporating practice swings into my golf game (when I told him that I do not do practice swings he almost had to sit down. I am going to emphasize that golf is not a “sport” for me, it is a hobby. A practice swing would evolve my game into a “sport” which I am not willing to do. 2 swings at a ball is dangerously close to exercise. Not falling for it Toddy!) But in all seriousness it was a lot of fun and most definitely picked up some tips, but also, full disclosure, I am so bloody sore today I cannot imagine picking up a golf club. We also left the lessons, went for a beer and THEN FOR PEDICURES! So I cannot show you the “before” picture of my feet because now they’re beautiful!

2. (I’m sure you have forgotten, but I am doing resolutions) Okay, number 2. Actively attempt to take ALL Kleenexes out of my pockets PRIOR to doing laundry. I do not know when this became such an issue in my house but Lord God it is a problem. It’s never, “Will there be Kleenex in the washer/dryer?” but, “How many Kleenexes will there be in the washer/dryer?!” And to be honest, it’s probably easier to improve my golf skills then achieve #2 on the list but the dream is still alive.

3. Have more patience. In general. I need to try harder. Or just try. I’m not sure how to achieve this because my frustration flying altitude is usually at a solid 70% pissed off. I think I roll my eyes more than any other human alive. I actually just rolled my eyes writing that. I try to hone my skills at Costco, probably not the best place to start. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, if there is ever a report on the evening news about a crazy shopper running over people with her cart, rest assured, it is me. I can be home alone and I even get frustrated with myself. 

4. Wean myself from Instagram. My God, what a black hole. The worst part is I learn so much useless information - what chickadee call means, how to make Mexican street corn, the best stretch if my sciatic is bothering me, hikes in Panama that I’m for sure going to take, best sangria’s to make, best of Amazon leggings, houses to buy in Tuscany, new artists, deals on flights, new book to read, make up tips, kitchen hacks, how Karl’s surprise kitchen renovation is going, curling thin hair, animal rescues, best ratchet straps to buy, personalized coffee cups, people doing stupid things (usually in Yellowstone), plastic surgery fails, making the perfect poached egg, hockey fights, Excel tips. Honestly it’s hard to step away! I’m limiting myself to 3 hours a week. Pray for me. Also, I probably can’t enforce this until I see the final reveal of Karl’s kitchen renovation. I’m pretty heavily invested.

5. Lastly, more adventures. Ryan and I are re-dedicating ourselves to adventures. Big or little. Unfortunately, Moab is on hold until next year, but stay tuned, there will be more!

Jan 6 - June Recap - last try

Ah, our expedition to the land of the midnight sun, Canada’s last wilderness, our claim to Canadian gold. What a great adventure! I cannot get over how big Canada actually is, how beautiful it is, how diverse the land is and how friendly people are! And this was also when our little Aussie came into our life like a pop of fireworks! Our dear Alice! We drove through landscapes devastated by fire (in some cases, still on fire), lunched on the side of the road, taught Alice the magic of martinis (I believe her exact words were, “I will drink this battery acid to get to the olive), ate the best meals, went on nightly adventures, counted bears, buffalo, caribou and more, jumped in glacier lakes at midnight, swam in hot springs, packed ourselves in the vehicle 3 deep, visited with 300 strangers, got lost (whoops, 100% my fault!), partied with the dancing girls in Dawson, got drunk in McBride (mild understatement for my inebriated state….), drank a sour toe cocktail, toured glaciers, played games, repaired motorhomes, lost track of time and stayed up all night and, surprisingly, had very few fights! Howie, Terry, Alice, Fuzz, Jen and Ryan - I would go again tomorrow! Trip of a lifetime! I have so many pictures! I’m limiting it to 10….maybe 15 😉