Nov 4

So, I am doing calisthenics, deep breathing, mental preparation…there is a girl’s weekend brewing…Trena is turning 50. She is the long last in a long run of amazing ladies turning 50. (On a total side note: WTF - how did 50 happen so fucking fast?!) So block me, unfriend me or ignore me….. or get some fucking bail money because shit is going to get real…..)

September 20

So….that fucker made it back in. You know I was almost starting to hope….

But anyway, we are spending a lovely holiday in Victoria. My very wonderful friend Dean McLeod turned 50 and Darian came over to help me celebrate with him. I am so pissed - I took no pictures! Fuck. You know what I did do? Shots! And also Dean, I peed in your driveway while I was waiting for the cab. I’m all class.

But in my hotel room I’m currently sharing with Darian, I have no book to read. But…you know what reading suggestion the hotel gave me? Yep, the bible, the one and only. Now quick side note… Joan - stop reading this blog! 😉

So, please don’t ruin the end of the book - no spoilers, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned…

1. There is three ethnicities- Jews, Greeks and slaves. Pick wisely my friends…
2. There is only two genders - men and angels (but before you pick apparently the dudes are angels as well)
3. Darian asked me, “who was the guy that changed religion? He was German.” I said, “Hilter.” No. Martin Luther (who, btw, was my second guess). Luther said - “let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave” - this confuses me? Is she happy to see him come home because he brought pizza? Is she sad to see him leave because he didn’t empty the dishwasher? The author of this book is not very focused.
4. “Wine is a mocker, a strong drink that turns the wisest man into a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” - firstly, I like that they acknowledge men are worse at holding their alcohol. Second, only when you are drunk do you say what you really want to say. You are pretty wise when you’re drunk - not articulate but wise.
5. “And the Lord said to Moses, “Behold I will rain bread from heaven for you”” - so for sure God endorses carbs. I fucking called that!
6. Wait, wait - we have a rodeo, “saddle the donkey for me. They saddled the donkey for him and he rode away on it”  it then THEY ATE BREAD TOGETHER! Again with the carbs! 
7. But wait! It gets worse for the donkey guy! A fucking lion met him on the way and killed him?! What? Is this a Tarantino movie? The timeline is all over the place! And the sentence structure is ridiculous.
8. There is a first book of chronicles so I’m kind of excited - I think we are going to go to Narnia right away.

So, the book isn’t that exciting so I skipped to the end to see what happens. I can’t tell a lie. It was slightly sexual and it made me uncomfortable. But I think I need to have full disclosure - we are staying at the Marriott which, apparently is an Evangelical hotel. I’m not sure about the Delta - Buddhism? The Fairmont - catholic? Fuck, now I have to look for a good deal AND what hotel is going to save my soul! But I think might be my first Christian blog. I think I’m pretty good at it. Eat bread and kill the donkey guy! 

September 10

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, my criminal activities have finally been recognized. Al Capone was caught through tax evasion, Ted Bundy was caught stealing a car…how was I caught? I answered my cellphone. Yes, an innocent, “Hello” and my world came crashing down. Here is an informal transcript of my damnation:

Me: Hello? (In a musical, lovely tone, eager to visit with whoever was calling me from Waterloo) 

Waterloo: Hello Anastacia? 

Me (thinking, “fuck, this must be serious?!): Yes?

Waterloo: This is Border Control and we are calling to inform you that there is a warrant out for your arrest.

Me: What did you catch me for? (Thinking of my various crimes)

Waterloo: This call is being recorded.

Me: Good, because I won’t remember what the fuck in confess to.

Waterloo: Recently a package crossed the border addressed to you with more than 4 different kinds of drugs in it, like cocaine and fentanyl and more than $94,000 dollars in it. 

Me: Which border?

Waterloo: THE border.

Me: That makes no sense. I sent the $94,000 to BUY the drugs. What drugs did I get?

Waterloo: Can you spell your name? 

Me: Will you spell it to me and I’ll tell you if it is correct….

Waterloo: WILL YOU PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME?!

Me: (I can read Anna Karina faster than I can spell my name…..this is a side note but can you not agree that when anyone names an innocent child Anastacia Jean Bardenhagen that it is some twisted form of child abuse? I think my mom was punishing me for being born breach. I was 7 before I could spend my name! And, by the way, as a fetus I knew I was going to be born ass first so the world could kiss it, well most of the world, not Waterloo….back to my story) A.N.A.S.T.A.C.I.A  B.E.A.V.E.R.B.O.N.E.S. (Now, I know that Anastacia Beaverbones is not my legal name but my Uncle Wade christened me Beaverbones before I could spell Anastacia and I thought I should honour that by sharing it with Waterloo)

Waterloo: That is not the name we have on file.

Me: Hmmm….that’s strange. I always get my drugs delivered as Anastacia Beaverbones. Is this why I am not getting my Free People packages?

Waterloo: You are buying free people?

Me: Well you cannot buy slaves through the mail….

Then Waterloo hung up on me! So I am sure that the RCMP will show up at any given moment. I might need a lawyer. But on a positive note I am getting at least 4 different kinds of drugs AND $94,000 but, alas, no slaves. 

July 19

I recently got in shit from my mom and Barb Schooler - two women who, normally, I don’t get shit from. Okay, listen, Barb doesn’t give me shit but my mom…..well I sometimes get some passive aggressive shit from her. Anyway, I got in shit for not blogging and - full disclosure - I am: 

1. Lazy
2. Exhausted 
3. Busy
4. Lazy
5. COVID - seriously difficult to blog during a pandemic, and lastly -
6. Lazy

But there are a few things I’d like to share - measuring cups (I’m not talking about this now but it is a future blog so please remind me), COVID (but Jesus Christ I am sick of hearing and/or talking about it), my dog and his seizure (I am not emotionally stable enough for that one yet), my friends (always make me laugh and in the spirit of total honesty - pee a little bit) but right now I would like to talk about 50.

So recently I turned 50. Hard to believe because of my incredible skin elasticity and lack of cellulite, but it is true. Also, my lack of elasticity is due to my natural filler (fat) and my lack of cellulite is directly attributed to my aforementioned natural filler. On a total side note - ladies please say no to filler. I have seen pictures and it is awful - age gracefully- Grey Goose will help.

So anyway- 50. I am so glad I made it through those awkward years - 14 thru 49 - ugh! What a trial that was! Now I am truly an adult. I have been waiting with baited breathe for this age and let me tell you - it did not disappoint. I recognized my inner strength, my vast knowledge and patience was rewarded with an inner peace and tranquillity. I am not ashamed to say that I looked down upon those still unfortunate enough to be struggling through their 40’s and pitied their delusions and unwarranted sense of accomplishment. Oh you children, you just don’t understand the true meaning of life…..

Then dawned day 18,251 of my existence (aka the day after my 50th birthday) and I realized that my warranty expired the day before. My knees hurt, I had an unexplained tingling in my left hand that would not go away, I could no longer see far away OR close up, I had 10,000 fine lines around my eyes, I couldn’t sleep through the night without getting up to pee, polyester is now my fabric of choice, grey hair in sprouting as I speak. What. The. Fuck. I am regretting not investing in the extended warranty (eating well and limiting my alcohol intake) I think I am seeing the result. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like an adult but this adult has to be in bed sleeping by 10:00 and needs at least 50 ounces of water a day. I am adjusting fairly well - more sleep, more water, martinis and progressive glasses but damn growing up is hard!

March 20

Beautiful day. We were required to sit on the deck for the entire day. Mandatory. No excuses. It was wonderful but I think mountain air went to our heads because it got drunk out. 

Also, I think some people are figuring out the identity of Shirley, Carol and Susan so I am giving them new names.....Wonder Woman, She-Ra and The Bionic Woman. There, you’re safe again girls. Played marbles and dice and cards and I won zero times. Bitches are cheating I think. Then there was a dance party and karaoke. We should have a television show. I think we solved a lot of the worlds problems and played the most amazing playlist but no one remembers. If not a tv show then maybe a personal assistant. That takes notes, mixes drinks and gives foot rubs. I’m doing a job posting. 

.....also, I was just informed that I did win at cards.....

March 19

Hi guys! I can’t remember the last time I blogged. Corona Virus, job losses and low oil prices are not conducive to a happy blog. But fuck it. Life is short and I’ve been preparing my entire life for a pandemic. I can live off my own body fat for easily 6 months, I have enough liquor in my house for 2 years and I don’t like people. Check. Check. Check.

We have decided to buck the system and have a “slight” gathering. I can’t mention names because I have to protect the innocent so I am going to call my travelling companions Shirley, Susan and Carol. This is how the trip started.....

Fucking Carol always looks good! 

But soon this happened.....

And we discovered that we are mechanics! Who knew?! 

Anyway we are now happily ensconced in Cancun, British Columbia. I think we are floating down the river later today.

Needless to say when I woke up this morning I didn’t know where I was or who I was sleeping with (good news, it was Susan!) I’ll let you know how today pans out.....

Sept 12

It’s Jen’s birthday!! And only 364 days until she is 50.....but who’s counting? 

So we woke up this morning with foggy memories. We had to retrace our steps by reviewing our receipts that we have in our purses. There was no power at the house - a big truck took out a power pole downtown so we had no hair straighteners or hot water or coffee maker. But the draw of beer and wings was stronger than our concern about our personal hygiene so we called a cab (terrifying cab driver that was NOT amused by our sparking, witty personalities) and we took our shit show on the road. Went directly to the Whitetooth Brewery and started our Golden Pub Crawl.

This was the best we looked and felt all day.....it really did go downhill aft that. Whitetooth was great. Great server and great beer. But the ball was rolling.....

We left there and accidentally stumbled into the Cannabis store. We just looked........😉

Then a little shopping. I bought boots but they were on sale so it doesn’t count. To the Rockwater for margaritas. I just have to do a little side note: I am so fucking sick of COVID. So in BC they have started a curfew. Bars and restaurants are not allowed to serve liquor after 10 pm. Because one of the little known facts about COVID is that you can only contract it after 10 if you are drinking. Seems to make sense! 🙄I feel so bad for these small businesses during this ridiculousness - us girls decided there and then that we are supporting these businesses. So we ordered another round. Also our servers name was Alexa. It was quite convenient to ask her questions: “Alexa - what’s the temperature out”, “Alexa - can you make us reservations”, “Alexa - tell us a joke”. Again I think sometimes we are the only people that think we’re funny. 

So on to the Island for martinis. We had appies (because at this point in the day food is no longer negotiable). So one martini and a bottle of wine, some appies and off to The Wolfs Den. Before we left The Island we bought the most delicious salsa that the kitchen jarred it for us. But it is black market salsa. I said it is crazy that we can walk down the street with legal drugs and illegal salsa. If I got busted for the salsa I would be pissed!! 

Our server at the Wolf’s Den HATED us. Hated. H.A.T.E.D. US! We decided he must have been gay because he was immune to our wily womanly ways. We giggled and bantered with him and nothing. I believe he may have rolled his eyes. I think if we could review the film from last night we were loud, swearing and repeatedly asking him why he didn’t like us? I guess it will have to remain one of life’s mysteries- like Stonehenge or the Cadbury secret. 

So at this point everything becomes fuzzy. 

When I woke up this morning I thought.....did I contribute to the Wolf’s Den Bill? Then I thought - FUCK! We were going to get the cab to take us to the liquor store for more beer and we didn’t- we just came home. So Trena woke up and I asked her, “Did I give someone money for the bill” - Trena said “No, you paid.” Oh - thanks. Glad we cleared that up.  But, I said, we didn’t buy beer. Yep. We did. I said - who went into the liquor store to get it. Yep - me and Trena. Glad we cleared that up. I do remember asking the cab driver how much it would be to drive us to Banff for last call (another fact about COVID is that in Alberta you can drink liquor after 10 and not get COVID - I know, crazy right?! But listen,  I don’t make this shit up - Nope that is the government’s job) Anyway, I believe it was cost prohibitive to go to Banff - or at least we could find no Banff receipts in our purses so we are assuming we didn’t go there. 

And I love Trena and I pick her over red AND white.....She’s the best. And she doesn’t snore. And she’s pretty. And the best at dice and marbles. Trena....are we good?